a boy on an electric bicycle chewing a buzzing vaper whizzes by the castle.
Alice Waters from a Berkeley burning bush: not the purple author. i am the inventor of cooking water. i mean i'm not a snob but what i said about organic food during Lear's time is sadly too late today. sure it was more expensive but we had '80s money back then! it wasn't called organic back then it was just WHAT WE DID! i mean i just hosted the last-ever Mountain Winery concert cos we had to save the wood jug to store the last black-currant wine rather than use it as an music instrument. even the women had long beards that day. the debate is not whether or not it's a taco or a sandwich, it's about why are these Taco Bell taco-sandwiches SO FUCKING SMALL!!!
Circus Coo: i would gladly buy a credit card from Alison Sieke. and my credit is as bad as Batman's! i can't get insurance on my rubbery legs cos they twist around my body three times over...
Lance Lear: as this tale takes place entirely within the realms of our land i want our week guests to feel welcome and at home. service their every need.
Lovato: every?
Lance: within reason. search after the gold apple.
Hampshire: yeah but it's tricky. seek out Emilia for this one?
Lance: only if you have to. of course as a general principle she's much more entertaining than any of us.
Floch: isn't Jan your bestest of best friends, daddy?
Lance: he sure is, i'm nothing without him. he was my ONLY friend during the dark times. and the Middle Ages. without him i'd be dead now, and not from a tower. he stood by me when when the press hated me. the press from my own kingdom. cure Jan of his lifelong dementia and bring him back here to me.
daughters: are we ever gonna see mom again, dad?
Lance: ummmmm.........sure but she has to call first.
Boc: lefty loosey righty tighty, got it. i'm ready to strike attaching the nozzle to my sword.
Sir Lawn Sprinkler: that's cheating! my water is natural.
Michael Weiss wearing a purple safari hat: if the chick is on Instagram she's batty. a crazy conspiracy chick. why does she CONTINUE on Instagram is the question...
Michelle Agresti: i'm playing Georgia Kernell in the movie. i can be aggressive like her.
Jodie Whittaker: Doctor Who has become like football for me...
Max Kellerman: i'm going back to school. at P.S. 101. i have no ill will towards Stephen A. this fall i'm playing Sonny Corinthos's long-lost son/henchman who comes back to town after being in New York all of Sonny's life.........the other side of New York.
Max Kellerman: First Take without me sucks now.
Laertus at Bruno's: Dirg, instead of saying "bois" use the French word for wood.
Celine: Blue's Clues has just started in France...
Mike Tyson: they took my pigeons away. but i banged on the empty cages and eventually was allowed sticks and became a pro drummer. i did the drums for the theme to the Frasier reboot which premiered on 9/11. i flew all the way to France to steal yo girl, Mike Doonesbury. Mike Doonesbury's Vietnamese woman. and boy are my arms tired. farewell to arms. i went inside the black-and-white of the a-ha "Take On Me" video to take down the Demon Slayer Marilyn Manson mask from the girl's apartment and affix it to the corner cafe.
Rongmin: for whom the bell tolls
Jennifer Garner: shhhh. don't tell anybody. but i think i'm gonna be able to make it in time for bedtime.
Mother Goose: i used to have red hair.
Kyle Brandt: i'm playing George Costanza in the Seinfeld movie.
Tsuyu Asui: i got quarters. but you'll never find where i keep them.
Martin Yan: coat the wok with olive oil. it scrubs it clean better than butter. or my amber oil.
Olive Oyl: Popeye Bluto'd Brutus.
Jeff Goldblum: that's what she said.........she being the dinosaur.
Power Rangers Dino Fury: you know that gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach when you're watching a show that's become a stranger to you now.........THIS same show that was once your favorite show of all time. THIS is the moment you leave the show forever. btw this show gets historically low ratings, how is it able to continue?
mikawa: sweet medicinal agave juice but you have to eat the sharp pointy bramble pricks
intimate ceremony: it's gotta be in the Twilight forest, one acre over from the castle woods. with Paramore as house band.
Codrus at El Escorial: a little secret, the courtyard is Portuguese. we gotta go back to olden times when monasteries were palaces. the Spain monks knew how to do it right with style!
Lance Lear: we're gonna live it up when the next castle-to-castle meeting takes place here.
Emma Raducanu: like 2001 i'm heralding in the Lizzo Age!
Leylah Fernandez: Emma has Tim Henman, i have Steve Nash, the two men are the same man.
Leylah: we're gonna share endorsements, Instagram followers...
Emma: boyfriends...
KDFC: serving the greater Obec bay, Colonel's classical, Sanders's sonatas
Billy Crystal: i'm embarrassed when the Yankees aren't winning. i'm embarrassed to have people over to the house.
Blade Runner: you can only see La La Land at the AMC Burbank 16.
Alex Prager: i got the first matinee ticket.
Saitama: they call me Bald Runner. too much malding.
Boc and Bjork at the Extinction Rebellion:
Boc: can i borrow the swan?
Bjork: only if you paint it black.
Boc: when you're tying your clear plastic bags to your feet do it twice. and add a double-knot.
Sir Lawn Sprinkler: i found a McDonalds bag in your lawn! not even a brown bag a white bag! how uncouth!
Boc: i know right? there's not a McDonalds for a mile from the castle! i wish there were.
Sir Lawn: the neighbors don't like us fighting.
Boc: but it's not noise. we are literally watering their plants for them!
Tyler Lyle ascends an orange volcano.
Codrus to Cotard: you know the difference between you and i, brother? the netsuke and ojime on my robe are nude.
Gladyce: are nails supposed to grow big every week?
Doryce: witch's nails are.
Codrus: if i have to be footed the bill for a new religion, it better be worth it!
Cotard: it is, brother! what could be more worth it than art! the Symbolica in the Netherlands is a most castley installation.
Pat and Jennifer Pizarro on the pirate ship:
Pat: i'm afraid this is the plankless death scene for me.
Jen: whatever do you mean?
Pat: any girl i date, any woman i marry, will NEVER compare to you. she'll always be lacking in my eyes, which will make me lacking in their eyes.
Sinead O'Connor and Peter Gabriel: not necessarily.
Jen: some women like me are nymphs who don't care.
Pat: you didn't MENTION you were a nymph the only semester we saw each other's eyes! i need a time machine to whisk me back just ONE YEAR BEFORE so I can be Scott Trimble!
Scott Trimble: yous sure that's a good idea, Paul? do you really want to be me? i have a whole set of problems you know nothing of.
Pat: i would have entered this pirate play with you and we would have rewritten it together! i would have written plays all day instead of going to drama class at Berkeley. drama class is just the act of living life. then i wouldn't have to do this anymore.
Scott Trimble: see this red bandana on my head? it's from all the blood. i didn't spill. i had rock star dreams but i didn't have a Greyhound bus. i'm from Detroit where all they care about is rap and their style of pizza. that's tomato sauce on my head. the tomato sauce is not a stage prop, i have to work at Pizza Hut for my PhD.
Pat: does this ship transform into a DeLorean?
Laertus: vaccines are already required for school.
Dirg: but covid is the 13th vaccine on the list.
Celine: meet the new editor of Copin Comics! moi!
The Pope: i'm joining with Celine on this venture to bring more gritty realistic graphic novels to our wayward youth. the main character is a pope who takes drugs...
Takahashi's father: i was that little Asian boy who slaps Kurt Cobain's guitar down at the end of the "Smells Like Teen Spirit" video.
Dirg: soon it will be time to change out my socks at Macy's, like the slick mechanic who broke Madonna's heartshape at the 2021 VMAs.
Gladyce: dear our china is not supercharged.
Dirg: you're telling me!
Gladyce: we're not utilizing it to our fullest potential. we have a beautiful set of twenty spotted glasses but we only use one, the front one, we drink from it and put it back in the cupboard. just the one.
Doryce: let's not Plath our potential. quaff a querty o' em!
frat girl eating a Whopper: sus doesn't stand for suspicious, sus stands for susceptible...
Doryce: the elegant shopper, the slim freckled freshfaced woman in slender darkblue jeans who sways her long cupped auburn hair in rhythm to her basket filled with one apple one tomato one celery. taller than a basketball player, rawhide boots up to her belly button.
Gladyce: you're too old to be that at the Store, dear. the old men there are always all at the spice aisle rocking back and forth.
Doryce: i don't eat popcorn nor beef jerky no more cos i don't watch any more late-night anime.
AOC, a debutante at the Castle Ball., wears a dress with
Eat The Rich
on the back.
Dirg: i would have thought she'd wear the Eat Mor Chikin dress. shall i escort her to the dungeon in the basement where the last Administration is in shackles?
Bitch Pudding: i need my own show...
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Codrus: that Odin was no monk!
Eye: Twilight of the Ice Nymphs and go.
Robert Pattinson: fine, THIS came before. but i didn't cum. is this a love story or is this torture?
Guy Maddin: hi Bob. can i call you Bob? can i take your mic?
Guy Maddin: look, folks, none of this was my fault. i wanted more fairy sex. i wanted more nudity. why do producers have to mess with a director's vision? the only way to make a movie is to write it yourself, film it yourself, and fund it yourself. like Ex President Bump did with his campaign video. i asked the actors for money but they didn't have any.
Lance Lear: Guy Maddin took my daughters on a fourway date to teach them all about man things.
Lovato: Guy taught me how to tackle. and the spiral move.
Hampshire: Guy taught me how to drop-kick a field goal. and the spiral move.
Floch: he was quite the gentleman. he taught me that the turducken is a real animal in nature that lives behind the turret. and that BOTH Mahomes and Brady needed to be on the cover cos if it was just Brady the villagers would riot.
Guy Maddin: hi Atom. can i call you Strange?
Atom Egoyan: look, man, you will NEVER be me.
Lars von Trier: this movie was bad even for ME.
Rembrandt: who did the sets for this? they stole my oil paintings!!!
Wheels from Degrassi: the same company that made this fairy-porn made Degrassi. that explains a lot when it comes to all that was allowed. thank god they finally canceled that Next Class atrocity. i play a covered wheelbarrow in this movie.
Jahmil French: Drake killed me. and Drake killed Tupac.
Nigel Whitmey: am i that ugly they couldn't use my voice?
Guy Maddin: you sounded like Mickey Mouse.
Nigel: i got a shot to my nuts right before the audition. nobody knows what i really sound like. this is the only film in Hollywood history where the main character isn't in the credits.
Ross McMillan: the good news is this freed up Canada to invent dubstep.
Pascale Bussieres: why am i not more famous? why is my butt not more famous? why isn't my butt on Broadway! at least get my butt into the Met Gala. i sound better than Jacques Pepin's ginger daughter trying a French accent.
Shelley Duvall: i will never get this, I AM NOT UGLY!!! and yet i play as if i'm ugly. the ugly stepsister. the ugly dragon daughter. why? o Fuerza why?!
Frank Gorshin: i look scary without my mask. unsettling. you don't know where my eyes will dart next.
Alice Krige: do you understand the title of this film? the ice, we nymphs are so hot we melt the ice. see? like my expression throughout this whole film, i perfected the ice stare. it's not a cringe it's a gauzy glower. i was the only one trying here, i acted the hell out of this weary script, elevated it to Mount Olympus eyeline!
RH Thomson: imagine Morty as an adult...
Dirg: uh, what's with the lighting here? it's so damn hazy. like a bad Vitamin C trip.
Guy Maddin: this setting actually worked to my advantage, it was meant to be eternal sunlight so i had to insist the entire film be shot inside a warehouse, that saved money. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotted Mind.
Dirg: okay, i appreciate the elegant Expedia, the trippy Tripadvisor golden bungalow here but i would have much preferred to see the inside of the prison he was in.
Guy: looks like the towers here. where all of Madonna's exes reside.
Peter Glahn: i have a big gland.
Juliana Kossel: i am not hostile i'm just in heat. i like my bad boys. i like prisoners. i'm trying to imagine what a jail in a magical realm looks like. i like men who go for it, who live free and fearlessly. i need to get my rocks off so you need to be that Little Mermaid boulder Ariel frottages on. a farm sounds so boring.
Peter: no one will hire me. except that mud ogre who eats money.
Dirg: the dialogue wording of this script is EXTREMELY PAINFULLY STILTED. it's like a community college's first attempt at a screenwriting class.
Laertus: or is it that just how English majors communicate and you can't comprehend it?
Shakespeare: in fairness, this is how i would have written one of my plays if i lived in the '90s...
Peter: is the old man riding the ostriches again?
Cain Ball: with a name like that i simply cannot be the hero. unless this is a porno. i was told this was a Batman reboot. i was told this was gonna be a cat farm.
Peter: why do you want to be a doctor's wife? that sounds so boring.
Amelia Glahn: Drake killed Popeye. for once i can sew a picnic basket and feel like the bear instead of the donkey. i got nice tits but i'm not allowed to show them.
Guy Maddin: yeah sorry about that.
Amelia: did you know the Castle Ball closes at 4PM?
Zephyr: i have a baby on the way but i'm still horny. let's forget about the baby.
Peter: oh cool, i get to say fuck like Snake! why is this bed turning into a waterbed?
Zephyr: i'm so hot i melt all the ice around me, get it? i remember seeing two boars fucking on the farm. i found out later that was just some bad Demon Slayer cosplay.
Peter: um, why am i naked under the covers but you're fully clothed?
Guy Maddin: yeah sorry about that, my hands were tied.
Peter: WHY IS A METAL COIL-SPRING TAIL COMING FROM YOUR BUTTHOLE TRYING TO ENTER MY BUTTHOLE?
Zephyr: sorry about that, a relic from my Borg Queen days. remnants are hard to forget.
The Pope: all popes were Borg Queens at one point.
Zephyr: take this wedding ring, Venus.
Venus statue: very funny. i have no arms.
Peter: mesmerist? what exactly does that mean?
Solti: can anyone understand my accent? cos i can't. this is the only way i can get laid. i hypnotize all my women, how do you think all those magic guys in Vegas get the A-List models?
Zephyr: why were you kissing the Venus statue?
Solti: why be with a woman when you can be with a god?
Zephyr: yes but you were kissing her stone tits.
Peter: of all the gin joints in all the villages in all the kingdom YOU had to be HIS assistant?!
Juliana: let's be honest here, women control who gets what in the relationship.
Tom Brady: i eat pan.
Solti: WHY MUST YOU INSIST ON STRIKING MY FALSE LEG, SIR!!! it doesn't hurt.
Peter: you are no ordinary pirate.
Amelia: we all end up skulls in the end. but if you look at a skull you won't see her horse teeth.
Codrus: WHOA! how did Christianity enter this world? that ruins the whole magic realm thing!
Cain: are you a woman? i thought you were a horse. what are you doing parading around a man's house in an apron?
Amelia: i give up. here's the deed to the car.........OH MY GOD! why do you have to laugh like a complete insane mental patient?
Cain: the Riddler can't be cool.
Amelia: thanks for the impromptu walk over glass, i feel enlightened now, i know what i must do...
Amelia: this giant nail i'm hammering into your skull is your baptism into Christianity. the flies in your mouth is my tribute to the Alice In Chains album Jar of Flies.
Cain: please let this be a fantasy! this is were the fantasy part of this fantasy film kicks in, right?!!!
Zephyr: is it really murdering your husband if you were never in love with him? sorry about that, i thought that was a pit of gummi worms for Halloween.
Peter: um, maybe next time we cheat we don't use such a tree trunk that's so out in the open to fuck? Zephyr saw everything.
Zephyr: pig's blood?
Peter: Juliana, you're obviously not a virgin.
Zephyr: i mean the statue falls on me but i'm taller than the statue...
Peter: trees can attack you and kill you in your sleep, don't you watch Disney movies?
cat familiars: we will NOT discuss the fate of poor Aesop...
Shelley Duvall: OMG this last scene takes me back to bad UCLA drama-department improv classes in the '70s...
wintry cave: and the movie ends with incest, g'night folks.
Shakespeare: it gets better. see? the film got better, all the heavy emotions. didn't you feel all the feelings?
Santa: the only time i'm not in snow and i have to tiptoe around the forest nymphs or i'll get enchanted and get an earful from Mrs. Claus.
Robert Pattinson: see? we were in Hell this whole time. g'night, folks.
the Gorton Fisherman lies unconscious on the planks of the Santa Monica Pier boardwalk raging on both sides with white foamy waves. he has passed out and is near death from drinking too much orange juice. Lance Lear points his sword at the fisherman's stomach.
Lance Lear: u ok?
Gorton: don't pluck the oranges around here...the trees are haunted...
Lance: it says here on this empty carton by your belt that this thing is 98% zinc, 2% orange.
Gorton: what a trip. my son Kyle taught me so many things. he taught me salad could have candy.
Lance treats Gorton to a free lunch at the Atlantic Fish Bar.
Lance: hi, can seniors who've had a zinc overdose get a discount? thanks.
Gorton: yeah i dunno. it's a good place to eat though it's my competition. it tastes better than my fish cos they cook it in chicken oil. i wish we could go back to the days when the Burger King building looked like the In-N-Out Burger building.
Norm Macdonald: i invented McDonalds. but i was fired cos i wasn't funny enough to be Ronald McDonald. there's no God, there's no Heaven, it's all a joke. the only thing that exists is Emilia Clarke's tits.
Mike Tyson: now there REALLY won't be another season of Mike Tyson Mysteries...
at the pewter asylum:
Lance: here to visit a patient. Jan Ullrich.
Jan gets wheeled out.
Jan: kids made fun of me cos of my girly name. i thought i was supposed to be rich, not ill, where's my potion?
Emilia: you ate the wrong apple. you were supposed to eat the yellow apple. you ate an apple made of actual gold and got lead poisoning seeped into your brain for life.
Amelia to Emilia: got a beauty spell?
the patient next to Jan is his bedmate who quickly zips open the white covering-sheet shower-curtain and throws a ski-boot right into Lance's face.
Michael Schumacher: i can do that.
