Roxana Zal: look at me in River's Edge. you missed that scene where i subtly put in my eyedrops. that was symbolic, i was letting my guilty conscience out to breathe to really see the dire situation we were all in. everyone thinks i'm Alanna Ubach.
Natalie Imbruglia: i had to get a surrogate cos all the boys on Instagram are fuckboys!
Silverchair: i was a fooker. and for that i am sorry.
Maiara Walsh: hello, everyone. I'M starring as Korra in the next Nickelodeon live-action movie. Hollywood finally got one right. all debate on the internet has now ceased.
Dirg: all three of these women have sleepers for breasts.
Mardith: no I have sleepers for breasts!
Andy Roddick: i have decided to become an analyst for Tennis Channel. it will be during the 10 days Genie Bouchard is an analyst for Tennis Channel...
Genie Bouchard: i don't have sleepers for breasts.
Gladyce and Doryce sipping soup:
Gladyce: watch out for that barley, dear, they get stuck in your throat.
Eye Luggage: what movie do you wish you never saw so you could go back and watch it again for the first time as a brand new experience?
Dirg: Eternal Sunshine.
Laertus: School's Out, Degrassi.
Boc: remember to wash the windows, everyone forgets to wash their windows.
Eric Stoltz is seen walking slowly and deliberately on a dusty trail up the path of the railroad tracks near the edge of the battlefield.
Codrus: ho Peter! who goes there? wait hold on i thought he worked for the enemy as a red! but it turns out he only has red hair.
Cotard: brother THE TIDE OF THE WAR IS TURNING! you are losing! Comrade Stoltz is our secret tech guy, our ranchhand wrenchhead. he foxes out and fixes all our cars which shouldn't exist in this time period.
Codrus; no way. wait hold on no no NO i saw this movie!!! i know about Dreamy Red. i know about the earrings! it's the earrings they're the spy plants! Ghost In The Shell implants he's wearing them! WRENCH them off that enemy soldier's ears with your bare hands!!!
Cotard: nope they're not that. you'll see, in a manner of speaking...
Tyler Lyle: call me Tyler Lyte. as in come into my midnight light. i fly my own kite.
Dirg: that's the thing, it's so weird. i thought the bare-chested man with the bowed graying scraggly thin rattail beard and graying curly chest hairs and Keith Haring cap was a bum who lived under the bridge. turns out he's a Miami millionaire of water scooters.
Keith Haring: i don't want Woody Allen playing me in the movie.
Annemie Van Riel: i got the reels.
Doryce: i can't move a muscle. i can't move an inch. i can't move a centimeter when i'm at Mardith's workstation, the computer is piled on four corners with trash.
Mardith: to move my mouse you need the Mardith Touch. it's a special Mardith Mouse.
Tom & Jerry: ...
Gladyce: have to stuff the paper in the printer from the adjoining room.
Shaq: i will endorse pretty much anything.
Gladyce: Dor try it out this way once: put salt, pepper, and Bay Seasoning on the egg without shaking any of the three shakers first.
keirin: not a sport for karens.
Nevin Harrison: i decided not to matriculate at Berkeley after all when i saw my canoe being used as a giant clear bong on Telegraph Avenue.
Nemacolin Resort: where Centipede arcade cabinets come from. the spirit of the phoenix is strong here, but it got dizzy from the roulette wheel. The Bachelor trashed our hotel room.
Bambi at the Cinema Rex: can't we all just get along? is modernity such a bad thing?!
Cotard: i'm loving reading these Yashahime shorts with Takahashi. come over here and join us, brother.
Codrus: i'm busy!
Depeche Mode "Home": the guys decided to let me have a crack at lead vocals. lot of vibrato in my voice. and i look like Machine Gun Kelly.
Alex Trebek: i have nothing against pregnancy, Bea Arthur knows this about me. mothers make the best potent potables. the only Price Is Right model i remember fondly was Holly from the '80s.
Alex Trebek: wait what was the point of this entire whole worldwide search? we just ended up hiring inhouse.
Mayim Bialik: why didn't you just name me the host?
Mark Hoppus: i've beaten cancer. first call i got was not my mom, it was my drummer's girlfriend...
Roger Federer: that Collezione spaghetti has a white powder all over it.
Dirg: you can't have an electric Mustang.
Mardith: the smell of Belgian waffles! that's the smell of Disneyland!
Doryce: where's my yeast?
Cecily Strong: um, yes, i actually do care about people.
Trent Reznor: i can't believe they're still using a spinning one of Marilyn Manson's records as an Instagram emoji. the one with the crooked arrow.
Mary Pierce: ...
Gladyce: when your throat can't take the Thick Spaghetti but you have nightmares about the Thin Spaghetti, eat the Collezione Spaghetti.
Doryce: i've never had that problem with my throat.
TOM from Toonami: i love Belarussian rhythmic gymnasts, we don't get those in space.
Alfred E Neuman: Lambda Lambda Lambda is the only frat i'd rush.
Rebecca Lowe in the eaves of NBC Studios speaking to herself: don't ask April Ross about the divorce. don't ask April Ross about the divorce. don't ask April Ross about the divorce.
Rebecca Lowe to April Ross: wanna go to the Brooklyn Bridge? i'm getting into real estate and looking to flip a bridge. nothing shady will go down, i just want to sell it to you. ONE flying lesson there, i promise. i like Manhattan better than Britain ever since that Woody Allen movie.
Doryce: my Paper Mate box is so old and dusty.
Fred from I Love Lucy: hey! i resemble that remark! i'm proud of my pen company, we fight bacteria.
Mardith: respectfully looking at the hot Korean-boy-band Tokyo athletes on Instagram.
Dirg: come on.
Cotard spies Codrus between the two Boulders.
Mardith: why do the carnations around the shoppe have peas in them?
Madame Pons: those aren't LUSH soaps. you need to get more bouquets of flowers, girl!
Tom Cruise: show me the money, what's so special about that line?
Enigma: i've been asked to do the music for the Puppy Patrol movie. i have accepted.
Madame Pons: Mardith dear, don't go to Sinaloa, it's in the name.
Eden White: i'm the Sarah MacLachlan of Animorphs.
Gladyce: what's UPS's number?
Doryce: 1-800-GOT-JUNK
at The Weather Channel:
Goody Paul: is it time once again for the Car Wash Weather segment?!!! oh goody!!!
Maria LaRosa frowning in a bikini: no. no it is not. no it will never be. never Car Wash Saturday. never Car Wash Sunday. it's a waste of water.
JaVale McGee's mom: i won Olympic gold while you were sleeping in the womb. not the luck of the Irish, hard work.
Dirg: make sure to say "amazing" and not "abasing"...
Luffy: i used to be a rapper named Puffy...
Asta: "Closure" by Chevelle:
Clover has come to me
Myself
You will never belong
To me.........Sister Lily
Gladyce: isn't there a way to use the tabasco sauce bottle everyday without having to waste a napkin cleaning off the tip after every use?
Doryce: tip drip, that's a common problem in my practice.
Woody Harrelson: a horse a horse of course of course. a horse named Contagious? now that's bold.
Aditi Ashok: i will bring back women's golf.........if you know what i mean.
Doryce: Obec is nice. the wind is a stiff breeze.
Gladyce: the wind nearly toppled me over the cliff!
Doryce: but i can't windsurf until it reaches 74 mph.
Quentin Tarantino's mom: son i need some money, the IRS is up my butt.
Quentin Tarantino: your butt was always itchy. no.
mom: but i'm your mom.
Quentin: you said my shit was over like Eric Stoltz to the rich kid when i wanted to be a screenwriter. that shit fucked me up for life. words have consequences, they stay with a kid. parents need to learn to be more careful.
mom: i understand, BUT I'M YOUR MOM!!!!! that's WHAT FAMILY IS, son!!!!!
Just Roll With It: we were the Walk The Prank sequel everyone wanted. R.I.P. local sexpot Trevor Moore.
Dirg: i still have his book of cartoons Scraps he drew and wrote when he was 12 under my bed. Scraps should be made into an adult swim show.
Harley Quinn: when you say "fuck" 30 times in one episode, it loses its power.
Snake from Degrassi: case in point, when i said "fuck" in School's Out. it was the first time. said by me with such singular shock and fiery force for a laid-back Canadian. it reverberated throughout all time..........
Christopher Cross: i discovered America.
Mardith: it takes courage to cook a courgette.
Boc: cuidado, watch out. see what happens? when you're lawning watering the lawn in two clear plastic bags tied around your ankles cos you didn't want to muddy your new pretty boots, you trip on the bag-bow you've tied for yourself and the knot comes loose leading to the bag coming apart and you falling into mud. tie those ties tight, ese!
Laertus: my HP-laptop plug-in wire is literally my lifeline, there'd be no stories my battery was a drifter who died long ago.
Boc: that wire is your hose.
Judy Chu: i wrote the greatest comment of all time on a Broadway actress's Instagram.
American Airlines: our theme musical jingle is French.
Dirg: you have to remember, people on Twitter are drunk.
Cheech Marin: i'm the new NFL Commissioner. Peyton Manning is the new permanent Jeopardy host.
Dirg: this isn't art this is just pieces of shit.
Dirg: Falfurrias, where my dad had the first furry convention ever in the continental United States. he did it in his loft above the cement parking-lot pole in 1979 in a cowboy hat. later when the feds stormed in they had to move. that was one expensive barge. they relocated to San Diego...
Julie Brown from Earth Girls Are Easy: Van Nuys is now more accurately called Van Nuts. why is the traffic STILL BAD around here?!!!
Mike Bettis in the shower washing his spiked-up hair: am i cool? or not? i'm still not sure. am i Ferris Bueller or Ed Grimley?
Spike from Degrassi: ...
Eye Luggage: imagine watching the beautiful show of Tuca & Bertie and then going on the IFC MESSAGEBOARDS and getting showered with nothing but a rain of praise and golden harmonium.
Madame Pons: the show is being sacrificed on the altar of trying to bring alt-right incels and real women together, which is a fool's errand.
Tuca & Bertie: we're Regular Show meets Mission Hill.
Poppy: you may think after my "Flux" music video that i'm Bjork's daughter. but i'm actually Aeon Flux's daughter. no, Maury, Marilyn Manson is NOT the father......
Greg Orloff: i'm Spongebob's son.
crones: dears take it from us, don't mess with an old ancient magic lady when it comes to her tattoo formula.
Gladyce: i love Bruno's in Obec, it has the meats, it has all the rich ingredients. even SPROUTS!!! but there's this weird bad-energy vibe emanating about the place.
Doryce: yeah i know what you mean.
Dirg: all the girls there are prim and preened and have the tiny tight huggy dark blue jeans and the garish diamond wedding ring that's bigger than a boulder.
Kurt Cobain: sprouts are green sperm cells.
Sting: i was not born to clean gutters with a ladder.
Doryce: Mardith's mess is atrocious.
Gladyce: dear she's exactly how you were at that age.
Doryce: i'm Mardith's age now!
Gladyce: it means going by you she'll be a genius, too. you just gotta have a little patience.
Axl Rose: yeah.
in Obec a procession of 20 small compact bug racing-cars with the number 99 on the sidedoor motor across Rio Blvd in a straight line like ants.
Melbourne: how cute!
Taki: better than the alternative, i'll take the noise of those roadsters over the noise of the President-Bump Mad Max jeeps waving those godawful garish giant boat-flags.
Gladyce: *skimming the mail* dear i didn't know you were so into fracking and stripping mines and the stopping of fossil fuel.
Doryce: i'm not. but Robert Redford is on the letter-cover. this is for HIS cause.
both crones cackle in unison.
Gladyce: oh honey you've reached MY age now!
crones: Dialogue With The Carmelites, Codrus should be forced to sit down inside a shoebox theatre and watch a production of this play. we helped those poor nuns as best two witches could.
Obec: it happened right here!
Celine: my grandmother was one of those nuns!
Molly Qerim: i cuss too much. i need Maiara Walsh to be my homeroom teacher.
Mario: i had to make ends meet after Wall Street collapsed and my brother Luigi collapsed. so i cooked microwaveable Steak-umm beef sheets for a greasy spoon in the Cyndi Lauper "Time After Time" music video.
Eye Luggage: Some Kind of Wonderful and go.
John Hughes: hi.
Dirg: first of all, where does the name come from? it's not mentioned or referenced in the movie.
John Hughes: from a song.
Dirg: disappointing. i thought you had made it up out of whole cloth.
Dirg: you have an obsession with dudes who work blue-collar retail jobs with a name-patch on their uniform that they cross out and put another name on top. why?
Laertus: Dirg stop badgering the witness. sorry, Mr. Hughes.
John Hughes: goes back to my days working the local 7-Eleven in the big city of Chicago. there i fell in love with Black Flag. a crossed-out pin is a very punk thing to wear.
Takahashi: but Mr. Hughes you also have an obsession with rad cars in your films! this one has the iconic '70s patchwork bug-thing jalopy car with the Whitney and the Robot vibe.
Eric Stoltz: okay even I need the Caprica reboot to happen, i'm out of money.
the train inches ever closer to Eric Stoltz's position on the tracks. it doesn't look good, Eric trips on his own jeans bellbottoms!
but he steps out of the way just in time.
train: buddy were you trying to kill yourself?!!! cos this is the Mugen Train, anime is family-friendly entertainment!
Eric: no i'm an undercover spy in transit in transport to transport the goods, i'm a slick supplier in the body of a high-school student. an '80s high-school student back when everybody wore plaid shirts so nobody knew who was packing muscles underneath, who had the sleepers.
train: sleepers cell, got it.
Tom Clancy: ...
Dirg: dude you were a Machiavelli on that set! you were cutthroat! you were a Herod!
John Hughes: i just knew my worth. i wasn't gonna take shit from anyone.
Molly Ringwald: you disowned me cos i wouldn't do this film. you forced me to be cast but i left in my pink jalopy in the middle of the night.
Dirg: he forced you to be castrated? it's the vaccine all over again!
Molly Ringwald: i needed to branch out, why couldn't you understand that?
John Hughes: YOU WANTED TO BE A WHORE!!!!! sorry sorry over it i'm over it.
John Hughes: this was my revenge script, this is how Pretty In Pink SHOULD have happened. finally i get the ending i want, the ending i deserved. i also started the whole Slash fanfiction craze that's burning up the internet these days.
Mary Stuart Masterson: i cut my teeth on this film. it really catapulted my career. i'm the only one who got rave reviews, everybody thought it was otherwise bland. before this people thought i was a violin concerto maestra like that chick from Yashahime.
Lea Thompson: don't remember this movie at all. all i remember is i got married on that set. and had Dutch chocolate for hors d'oeuvres. and wore trucker hats the whole time.
John Ashton: i had the bug eyes cos i STILL can't believe co-ed P.E. is a thing!
Craig Sheffer: i'm not rich-boy like my character. Unification Church spaghetti is just right, not too thick, not too powdery.
Cotard: i know that's why i'm fat. my brother is too lazy to organize the church dinners. i enjoy life he hates it.
Elias Koteas: may i take your coat? never worry, fair madam, your secret is safe with me, now what is your alias for the key party again? look at that sensitive actor playing the school bully, that's me without my usual Ed-from-the-band-Live long hair. the whole time i was crying inside. all i wanted was a chill pill. look at that garish leather jacket they made me wear. my tattoo is LITERALLY a skull! an ancient old-lady magic tattoo, a Poppy patch. it looks like a punk pin. i'm out of a Cyndi Lauper video. i look like i come from Van Nuys.
monks: we both shaved our head to honor you, Elias Koteas!
Codrus works at night sawing pieces of long lumber into cylinders.
Cotard: you got shingles?
Codrus: no my hands are okay, no blisters.
Cotard: you can get vaccinated you know.
Codrus: it's fine drop it!
Molly Hagan: it's me! from Unfabulous! i don't know what that girl got herself into on Snapchat. Herman's Head is not the Munsters reboot.
Maddie Corman: i don't want to talk about it.
Candace Cameron and Chyna Phillips: who knew, right?
Scott Coffey: i'm not in charge of craft service.
Roger Ebert: back then i hated hipster soundtracks, i've since mellowed.
Mick Jagger: Keith, Watts, and Amanda Jones, wink wink, cheeky cheeky, i get it.
Mick Jagger: let's face it, the only good song we ever did was "Love is Strong".
Martha Coolidge: i cooled on the project when i realized Stewie Griffin would not be in this.
Kim Delaney: thanks to you, John Hughes, i wanted to be a cop. now look where i am now.
Kyle MacLachlan: not related to Sarah. i don't think. i wasn't weird until i met John Hughes. meeting John Hughes made me weird and indie.
The Midnight: we're a band. but we're also a concept. people forget we're only two people. you only know about this film because of the music video for our song "'80s Films", i know, it's confusing. you saw all those scenes from the movie BEFORE you saw the actual movie, so now you're seeing these scenes with the original music not our music. you're going OH, I REMEMBER THAT SCENE! the whole time.
Laertus's dad: you guys have the best concept for a band ever: literally songs about '80s nostalgia. i wish i thought of that, that's what i AM. this is the band i would have created if i could sing.
Dirg: so let's go. see it's another one of those. suburbs vs. working-class, but it's still all LOS ANGELES so it doesn't count.
Watts: i'm not a lesbian. i have a short tomboy pixie cut and i play the drums but...
Watts: in truth i have a crush on Molly Ringwald not Lea Thompson.
Keith: i'm not from Voltron.
Hardy Jenns: i'm no James Spader. no matter how you stretch me, i haven't his lips.
Duncan: you don't have much in front so you're a guy.
Watts: what if i'm trans?
Laura Nelson: remember that song about the guy who killed himself cos he couldn't get the girl of his dreams?
Trent Reznor: that's EVERY song.
Keith: what do you think of the new girl: the rich girl? the red girl?
Watts: rat bait.
Keith: isn't that a Garbage Pail Kid?
Hardy: don't make fun of my feminine name.
Duncan: want some cake in your ear?
Hardy: that girl is my property.
Duncan: your mom is on my nude deck of playing cards.
Elias Koteas: you see how i mug for the camera when i'm trying to act tough? i can't do this, i feel like a Muppet. i look like one, too. i'm more comfortable doing commercials for feminine hygiene products.
Amanda Jones: why do i get detention?
Lee Garlington: you called me fat, honey. i've been in Hollywood longer than you, i was a skinny minnie like you. but bodies change over time.
Craig Sheffer: i will beat up a girl as long as she's a fat chick, my bodyblows will bounce right off her, not hurt her at all.
Watts: i'm only using Ray to make you jealous.
Keith: i'm gonna practice kissing on you and grab your butt but i'm not using you.
Ray: i have to push your car without gasoline?
Watts: that'll prove you're environmentally conscious.
Ray: honey i'm not that into you, i'm gay.
Eric Stoltz: why'd you dress up as a black-limo chaffeur?
Mary Stuart Masterson: to star in the Harley Quinn movie FIRST.
Eric: my date's ass deserves better than to sploosh on a vinyl seat.
MSM: if a girl doesn't have a vinyl record collection, she's not a girl.
at the Hollywood Bowl:
Mauceri: didn't you think there was an orchestra in the bowl in the scene? a couple musicians milling around. but it turns out it's just the two redheads, Lea and Eric.
The Midnight: when we played the Hollywood Bowl we knew we'd made it.
Lea: you used me, too!
Eric: is it all a game? if there's no hope what do you have?
Lea: suicide. that's why you gotta FAKE hope.
Eric: what is the concept of future?
Lea: you need a DeLorean for that.
Hardy: you got my sloppy seconds. like a used car which your bitch dyke drives. who eats fish anyway that's disgusting.
Duncan: no, friend, you have it all wrong. i know how to treat a woman. i have respect for strippers. give me a soft microphone and nightclub smoke and vinyl to eat. watch me poeticize. that exotic dancer you put your grubby fingers on was my wife. as in WAS my wife, used to be my wife. she is the last of the exotica. she wears plaid skirts which you wouldn't know about cos this is a public school.
Elias Koteas: see? it pays to know a bully. don't avoid a bully, talk to the bully, even if he punches you in the nose. his knife could one day carve a masterpiece wood-art that sells on Instagram for $45. g'night folks i gotta go i got a bowl show spoken-word doors at 7.
Keith: wait, you drive a jeep?
Amanda Jones: it's a good-guy jeep.
Watts: so the whole earrings thing.
Eric: like them?
Watts: no, they got stuck on my ear, see at the end in the last scene?, that was ad-libbed cos in real time the earrings actually got tangled in my hair, which is ironic cos i had short tomboy hair. g'night, folks.
Laertus: ah, such wonderful warriors on this battlefield. their legs will take them to paradise. not Heaven, their goals. g'night, folks.
Codrus: what could it be? hearing devices. war wires. crosscountry cables, spylines. milk as fuel?
cat familiars: ...
Codrus: walkie-talkie code to change a football team's name.
Cotard: no, brother, you'll never guess. the person who will emerge the leader has a very special attribute: he listens. he listens to his fellow soldiers. listens to their mental health. he knows what it's like he's been in the trenches. you will NEVER guess the identity of this soldier in the fold.
