TMIT: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I'M NAKED

no other place i'd rather be on this day than here with my friends. sure but we're all air in the end. how old? i lost count when i died...

1. what was your first job?

i held the 7-Eleven coke-smoothie with one hand and onto the bar for dear life with the other. it was so cold in my hand but i couldn't let go and drop it on her head. i was the lookout. all i saw for miles was a curb and dark track, it was night. when i finished i didn't feel a thing. under the bleachers. who won the football match? fuck if i know, but we were a football school. is it weird that there was a 7-Eleven in the grassy area of our high-school track oval?  

2. in your next life what will be your job? to figure out if the afterlife is real.

3. what's a favorite item in your workspace and why?

my electric can-opener. cos it doesn't work. it has never worked. i use it to crush walnuts. and my coworkers' walnuts.

4. what can you not stop thinking about? how i wasted my entire life.

5. what are you holding onto that you cannot let go?---a person, a show, an item, a career, a book, anything

no, Taylor Swift! no, Frozen! the one that got away. we were supposed to become a husband-and-wife Hollywood writing team. we were supposed to help each other out with our auditions. she'd read for me, i'd read for her. see that's how you get parts, NOBODY who goes into an audition room cold and alone gets the role. 

we were supposed to do the revival of iCarly. i'm writing Sam as the reason she's no longer there with her friends and Spencer is she realized that this whole internet thing has destroyed society and ruined her life, all Sam wants to do is leave Hollywood, quit show-biz, and reunite with her mother...

BONUS: do you have a twitter problem?

thankfully i became addicted like meth to Instagram not twitter, which is nicer. Jack Dorsey came up to me one night on his skateboard riding on the grass of the track oval after practice saying i should try something: it was hidden in his beard, a dimebag of meth. 

Jack Dorsey: so, can twitter buy up Instagram? steal it from facebook? 

me: look, Jack, i told you, i'm just a high-school student.

Jack Dorsey: i saw you jangling change in your pocket earlier. Pac-Man after school? vending machine? there's these new coins that are spongy to the touch, dinosaurs used them back in the day...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

DOGS OF THE WORLD

notes:

* being in a rock band is the best job in the world.

* Phoenix: Tucson?...

* Hannity: my favorite vape flav is the bubblegum...

* who's the hot goth babe?

Lisa: Lisa. i like black.

* the Pope: i want the Iraq Dog...

Todd: no, Hot Dog, i'm not gonna do Fifty Shades of Grey with you!...

* Todd: who was the worst U.S. President?...

Lisa: ...

Todd: i mean before...

Lisa: James Buchanan.

Todd: i need a girlfriend.

Lisa: *hot whisper* yeah.

Todd: people who go to Wienerschnitzel don't have girlfriends...

* Lisa: i'm going on vacation, you're too nerdy for me, Todd.

Todd: but i have a Hawaiian shirt.

Hot Dog Mascot: i don't need to strip, i'm already in costume...

Lisa: i'm going to Cabo to be with Roger Federer...

* Lisa: there you go, triple cheese cheese, a cheese shake, and dried cheese which is a marshmallow. enjoy.

Todd: i'll go check it out......why is our backroom a YMCA?...

Todd: ironically, your wiener is small...

* Todd: what is happening? is this a subtle way to make fun of my nerdy short hair? i had long hair once, when i was in the band Cinderella, but that was for something else...

Lisa: wow, Todd, i never knew. you're kinda cute when you're not talking. the key to my heart is food. remember which food?

Todd: nope.

Lisa: the fucking fondue, man, remember the fondue sauna in the back?

family: humans evolved from dogs...

* Todd arrives for his date with Lisa in a Daniel Boone hat and corduroy skirt... 

CLICK ON ALL FIVE BELOW:

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happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: so...yeah, that's where i'm going. not for the burgers. Made The Wienerschnitzel Way.........it's not what you think...

PhD PAT: PINOCCHIO GOT TATTED UP INSIDE MONSTRO

 

Pat sits down at the Student Centre with Galivant:

Galivant: student centre?

Pat: well it's really just a pub i mean bar with a borrowed Broadway stage. Rocky Horror's playing next week...

Galivant: green beer please. two mugs. is that tacky?

St. Patrick wearing a green leprechaun hat is sleeping snoring dozing snozing at the far corner table of the bar his hat cutting his eyes.

St. Patrick: *drunkenly* leave me alone. leave me alone TODAY! if you DARE disturb me i'll piss in yer eye.

Katy Tur's mysterious French boyfriend sidles up to the counter:

Katy Tur's mysterious Parisian boyfriend: *drunkenly* oui so Katy hasn't thought of me since our summer rendezvous. she wore the Panama hat btw. she went off to New York like Cassie and found someone new and had a baby. i thought i'd do well staying in Paris but Paris ain't what it used to be. all i got out of the deal was this scratchy itchy fuzzy Yale sweater...

at the altar:

Gwen Stefani: Blake, i do like you, i put up with you, buy boots with you, but honestly you were just kinda my gadget man, you were keeping me together psychologically, you were my beer n wings. i love Gavin. i've always loved Gavin. i never STOPPED loving Gavin. i get it, the maid fantasy, i have the butler fantasy myself but it's over now, got it out of his system. i'm gonna marry Gavin, that's the most girl-power thing i could ever do, cos it's my free choice. we didn't marry the first time. sorry. but we did do that cool T Mobile Superbowl commercial or something, so that's a memory.

Blake: i knew this was too good to be true.

Madame Pons comes in and sashays herself squeezing between herself and Mardith on the other side of the table:

Madame Pons: greetings all. i see you. i see me. i honor you. i honor me. i cherish you. i cherish me. grateful for surviving one more turn of the moon...

Mardith: you forgot love. young people don't believe in love anymore, it's just a trick of the pheromones.

Charlie Sheen lights his cigarette on the abovehead lamp of the hanging tiffany lamp:

Charlie Sheen: huh, it's busy and noisy inside here again, i don't think that's supposed to be happening...

Punkie Brewster: look, Charlie, it's cool...

Charlie Sheen: hey. hey. HEY! i am NOT a punk!!! she was 18!!!

Punkie Brewster: my diary entry indicates i actually READ the Sex and the City book RIGHT when it came out, we girls do that sort of thing, i've never seen an episode of the show...

Punkie: you were my Christmas gift...

Charlie: no you were mine...

Madame Pons: i see you, Soleil Moon Frye, i know you are a rape survivor. 

the crones at a neighboring table:

Doryce: where's the Applebee's carving!!!

Gladyce: i'm glad we're here. the Denny's eggs are fried.........as in burnt to a crisp!!!...

Takahashi: good news, there's The Mighty Ducks: Game Changers...

Jeff Bezos: ...bad news, it's gonna be on Amazon Prime, not Disney Plus...

Emilio Estevez: and i can't be Gordon Bombay anymore...

Dirg: i just want to be comic-book like Jesse Blaze Snider...

Laertus: a film a week is better than an apple...

Roger Federer: i sat out the entire pandemic.........i mean i was "injured"...

Joe Biden: okay. you got me. i am really Bob Barker...

Alexi McCammond: duck duck goosed...

Michael Weiss wearing an Ariel from Little Mermaid shirt: i don't get TikTok, it's just you talking to yourself.

Laertus: it's good for acting practice, it's very Uta Hagen. instead of the standard monologue you play all the parts, both parts, you start a dialogue with yourself...

Tyzik: all these art accounts on Instagram are all the same, all the boring, all the uninspired, there's no life to them!!!

Dirg: you can lose a lifelong friendship in one week...

Dirg: do you really love me? or are you only interested in how much bitcoin i'm willing to buy...

Michael Weiss: so are we gonna fuck now based off my clever comment on your Instagram?...

Takahashi: the Togo's True-To-The-Sandwich logo is some weird Goya Grotesque art. not meat filling.

Doryce: never do eggrolls in the Ninja Foodi, it leaves a MESS!!!

Rachel Field: where do i get my ideas? in the field. smoking a pipe at Lenape...

cat familiars: we vacation at the Texas Catwalk...

Governor Cuomo: i'm wearing Cynthia Nixon's snuggie and guaranteeing all wolves in this state WILL get vaccinated which is their birth control...

Samantha from Sex and the City: this is the perfect time for ME! I should run for governor...

Governor Cuomo: you know what, i'm just gonna wait this thing out...

Anne-Sophie making cereal without looking on top of her tall chef hat: i get the pics...

Dirg: come on, Cheryl Burton, we were just doing the Monster Mash, the guy who said it hates Bump tho!

Dirg: this is all single thirtysomething women during summer: bikini, spread out on a beach towel in the middle of the sandy beach, looking up at the bright-blue sun through shades, pina colada and Collins paperback smushed and turned upside-down on one corner of the blanket...

Danielle Collins: stay in school, kids...

Michael Weiss eating suntan lotion: Instagram is just a way for certain individuals to advertise their country...

Laertus: a person in a third-world country has GREAT pressure to represent their country, their entire country is on their slim shoulders, it's counting on them, a mundo of pressure.

Dirg: i stand by Cressida Dick...

Madame Pons: Farmer's Wife Magazine? the feminist magazine or the magazine about agrarian life?

Takahashi: or the magazine about Philip Jose Farmer?

Dirg: fat guys are more than fat guys. fat guys contribute to society, too. we fat guys have imaginations and dreams...

Dirg: i'm starting to lose my taste for the NCAA basketball tournament. March Madness is just March Blandness. 

Takahashi: you still love chickenwings tho, right?

Mia Mingus: i teach how to avoid giving a bad apology by allowing yourself to show your bottom half...

Little Edie: you're here for the gardener position? no, we don't need a gardener around here.........not to cut the grass anyway...

Dirg: can i have John Travolta deliver mail to me in a big block red bag backpack on his back that reads MAIL?...

Takahashi: like the Zelda mail-carrier come to real life...

Laertus: Colonial Penn commercial. when the old white guy tells the middle-aged black guy, menacingly, 

keep going

it's very old America. and the black guy's a Marine!

Madame Pons: i know you're a good man, Takahashi. i notice bad energy, weird vibes, and sneaky shit...

Laertus: Pat's Dogs...

Dirg: pets?

Laertus: chili...and hair metal, my dad's favorite...

cat familiars: what's with all these ghastly Instagram animal accounts where they do unimaginable things with animals just for likes?!!!!

Bryan Dattilo: i'm still here! i'm still handsome! i still got the Muppet mouth!

Mardith: Dirg, don't take away a woman's power by looking at her butt when she's walking down the street...

Cotard: the 2020 Masters was a monastery...

Scott Van Pelt: i mean c'mon. i'm Scott Van Pelt, i'm the world's coolest dad...

Laertus: you remind me of my dad, SVP...

Doryce: i'm constantly looking at Mardith's trashcan to see what's in it now...

Roger Federer: *grinning ear to ear* is there anything better than Mexican tennis?!!! tennis in Mexico?!!!!

Dirg: stories are more sad to hear when a woman speaking Spanish says them.........more heartbreaking i mean...

Takahashi: let me lift you out of the fog of this misconception right now: there is no such thing as a "Twitch community"...

Madame Pons: Mardith, i think you're gonna be an actress. empaths make the best actresses.

Gladyce: don't eat potato salad, it makes your butthole mashed and itchy.

Mardith: when you're going steady with someone it means you're looking at his Instagram Stories everyday...

cat familiars: what does it matter if the cat's getting fatter...

Mona Lisa: i gave the Poushe strudel maiden logo the confidence to wag her finger...

Eye Luggage: sadly, the trans kids still have to hide in plain sight on Instagram, they can't be free and active as they want to...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?...

Pat: i brought the Princess cakes and the Atari Monopoly board! stole them from my dorm. they won't mind. they're hoity-toity and distracted...

Dirg: Audrey Hepburn may have no tits, but i sure saw her nipples in Roman Holiday! thank you to that shirt...

Audrey Hepburn: i HATED doing Robin and Marian! Sean Connery was such a bitch!

Gregory Peck: i wanted to say to you Audrey at the end of Roman Holiday there:

i bet you a million chips you are in love with me and will give up the throne for me.

Eye Luggage: The Squid and the Whale and go...

Laertus: first thing this film invokes in me is the setting where one sees such a film: small New England fishing village community college, a very small white box in the middle of campus serves as the flyer-plastered indiehouse, with two steps and one railing. it's Fall, just getting out of Winter, the leaves are semi-covered white. everyone watches this squeezed into a small viewing area of only ten orange seats, with their professor in a brown beard and taupe shoulderpads, beige smoking jacket. it's always chilly you can see the curvy wind carve the air. it's a twin cinemas, a double feature...

Dirg: oh yeah? what's the other movie?

Laertus: dunno, something by Wes Anderson i guess...

Noah Baumbach: i am Wes Anderson Junior...Wes Anderson Lite if you like...Wes Anderson without the stage props...

Boc: my favorite auteur...

Eye Luggage: wait, is this a field trip situation? or is the professor the students' date?

Laertus: i'll get to that. it's a little treat for the students faculty and residents alike before finals start...or end...there's an ice rink on the second floor of this film theatre...everyone wears a scarf to this...

Laertus: this film is so special to me. it's the perfect template of what i want to achieve, of what i aspire to. the film i want to make. i want to make my own Squid and Whale. perfect length, too, a nice 90 minutes, nice and tight and gets outta there. 

Eye Luggage: IT'S AN '80S MOVIE!!!

Laertus: yeah that's the thing. it has 3 count em THREE of my deepest-held-in-my-heart pulpits of nostalgia. hits my chest hard. first, the tennis. then the novel-writing. and Jeff Daniels is EXACTLY my father in the '80s!!! i mean this EXACTLY was my life in the '80s, an intellectual trying to get his book published with no success. books which don't sell, and the family who struggles daily because of it. Jeff Daniels IS my dad! talks like him, mannerisms like him, thinks like him.

Laertus: i love when Jeff Daniels goes serious. i'm most interested in making this kinda sorta film myself. i'm excited that you shot this very easily economically inexpensively with a handheld camera...

Noah Baumbach: yeah. big Hollywood actors, small tech. 

Laertus: can i do it on an ipad mini?

Noah: go Samsung. not GoPro. the Samsung has that cinema-quality Dolby, what we use in Hollywood.

Dirg: sigh, New York  again. Brooklyn hipsters no less to boot. Park Slope? sounds racist.

Eye Luggage: OKAY! now this opening scene I LOVE!!! see THIS is the tennis scene i wanted from Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice!!!

Laertus: oh i'm loving those wood racquets! i mean those things are basically racquetball racquets!

Roger Federer: sorry i couldn't be there, i'm in Acapulco!!!

Laertus: oh it's the '80s, there's no Sampras yet! the heroes are McEnroe and Connors and Borg. 

William Baldwin: this is rare for me, you see me in a goofy role. 

Owen Kline: hey can you call me sasquatch instead of brother, it's cooler.

William Baldwin: okay sure thing, brother. i hope i don't have to be a hunky fireman anymore...

Laertus: those who write, teach.

Dirg: i mean he wouldn't be so selfish and arrogant if maybe you published his stuff once in a while!!! whale!!! colleges are just manufacturers of robotic liberal robots. book tours ain't what they used to be, all college auditoriums are empty now.........not just cos of covid...

Dirg: oh come on! the wife gloms onto her husband's blood sweat and tears like a Don Knotts Fish barnacle, she flies in his tiger blood. she wouldn't have had the access were not for him! 

Eye: but she's good tho. she has an innate sense that was brought out. she's finally found her passion. and through it her passions. it was a typewriter spool all along. doesn't matter how you get started in something, it's how you finish.

Dirg: all over Ivan's face...

Jesse Eisenberg: i have the unique ability for you to find my acting subtly brilliant and yet also you want to punch me in the face when i get mad on screen. i didn't take any pills for this one...

cat familiars: oh GOD do NOT harm that cat!!!!!!!!!!

Eye Luggage: i want a teacher-student romance. there HAS to be one. i want to see two grown consenting adult people naked having an illicit taboo affair, fucking in a bed...

Natalie Portman: i suppose it could have been worse, he could have taught high school...

Dirg: okay the masturbating in the library, i didn't get that slip of paper Frank uses. what is that a picture of? it's some sort of YMCA pool pic? of a woman's smooth legs? or is the woman getting her cunt eaten out by a man with a '70s fro who looks like Welcome Back Kotter...

Dirg: i guess i didn't go to New York. i got death threats taped to my locker but never cum...

Jeff Daniels: why does your mother date jocks? i mean, i play tennis...

Dirg: oh yeah, that film poster of that film that was ostensibly about eroticism in cars but it ended up being very unsexy cos it really was about auto-asphyxiation. why do all these art films invoke other art films?

Theo Huxtable: dad, this guy is so smart, when The Wild Child was referenced in this film, he watched that whole other movie!

Rubikon: um, your father's not here right now, Theo...

Laertus: ping pong is tennis junior. but it's not tennis lite, it's actually harder than tennis...

Dirg: yep, we're all philistines, eat the elite! uninteresting men, not a serious guy.

if my dad's so bad why did your mom fuck him?

oooooohhhh, BURN!!!

Dirg: Lili with the good hair......and the pussy muscles...

Eye: close-up on Anna Paquin's ass climbing up the stairs. still allowed back then.

Dirg: back then backside. that IS a good book to copy from, see? all colleges are the same, nothing original coming out of them for 30 years, just Leftist tanks.

Laertus: you won't have to blow your super. like The Super, that '70s show starring that guy of the famous gun cannoli line. i'd do ANYTHING to see those last two episodes, Episodes 11 and 12, they never aired, nobody knows what they were about...

Eye: that starred his own wife and daughter as his tv wife and daughter, keeping it in the family. i used to think the '70s Olympics would have been more important, it's okay to preempt...

Dirg: and then when they do have sex:

Jeff: okay let's roleplay, you be the tenant and i'll be the super...

Jesse: i don't know what happened. i came hard and quickly. that usually doesn't happen to me, it takes at least 5 seconds normally.

Dirg: yeah, that's what all guys say. and girls in real life DON'T take it as a compliment. stamina is what impresses them, huge cumshot at the end. hey, maybe if your tits weren't so strangely big...

Halley Feiffer slaps Dirg in his chest tits.

Eye: Frank's an adorable mama's boy. Walt is Noah who just wants to animate The Metamorphosis...

Jeff: how it shoulda gone down:

Bernard: yeah my beard IS feral and sexy. has that Clan of the Cave Bear going on. i got my beard game from Jim Carrey...

Joan: did you really do everything you could to save our marriage?

Bernard: well i could have acted out your book in real life, i told you not to make him die...

Laura Linney: what's interesting is none of the book-signing ceremonies are shown here. not like that Infinite Jest movie... 

Jeff: only the rejection letters. got any change?

Biden: yes. 

Walt: so can you help me or are you just an empty suit thesis diploma?

Ken Leung: yes. follow my breathing. but in exchange for my therapy TELL ME WHERE THE POLAR BEARS ARE!!! these whales and squids i found in the ocean don't cut it...

Eye: Sophie Greenberg! he already had Greenberg on the brain! the interesting dense thing is what Anna and Halley are talking about in the background there by the bricks smoking. you know they were hatching a plan to save the day that the audience doesn't know about, girls are never depicted as smart on screen, just interested in dripping cunts. they both knew they were double-dealing each other with Jesse and both knew sex with a professor is hot.

Takahashi: i love these stoops and tall buildings as homes. and the open bay windows hugging the sidewalk at night like anybody off the street can look in and see these homes lit and in full drama mode. see all the fighting behind closed doors in open windows. very Cosby Show. and that ATARI system by the old tv! magnifique! 

Laertus: and the Vitas GERULAITIS poster!!! makes my heart sing! there was a precious time in the '80s when Vitas Gerulaitis was discussed in the upper crust of society as being a rad down-to-earth dude who played tennis. one of the greatest even!

Eye: turns out he misremembered. you can't beat a mother's love...

Laura Linney: pet names, works every time. Pickle. Breton Cracker...

cat familiars: oh god that cat BETTER not get run over!!!

Laertus: see? same exact thing happened to my dad, he had a heart-attack on the street and keeled over. and hopefully not how i go out...

Dirg: i said bitch...

Monica Vitti: i should have been in Roman Holiday...

Dirg: i don't want to talk about the squid on the whale's face like that display at the museum hanging thingie, it's too scary. g'night, folks...

Eye: i loved the jump cuts here, the divorce tension mounts but is not shown, not the real ugly fights anyway. just the hard slam of a telephone, the pull-out zoom of a couch-cot bed. g'night, folks...

Jean-Paul Sartre: why do they teach you the WORST books by the BEST authors? ha! g'night, folks...

Bill Murray: i would have ruined this if i had starred in it, i'm not friends with Jim Carrey.........g'night, folks...

Galivant: so are you getting acclimated to the Student Centre?

Pat: that might be the right word. i dunno. i got kicked out of here once, not for protesting, for performing on that stage that Pink Floyd song with the pi balloons. i DID write that song tho! it was in my English thesis! nobody reads theses anymore, all the ideas of the future are contained in undergraduate theses! hey i didn't come up with that Beatles song, okay?, that would be ridiculous...

Pat entrances the auditorium steps on campus hidden in the woods. the one with the rare row of lockers...

Pat takes his cum in the palm of his hand and slaps it hard on the locker door. the locker door turns out to be Galivant's face, she from the rectangular locker shape transforms back into a woman...

Galivant: there's gotta be a better way for you to express your sexual urges. to null your sex addiction. forward your fetishizing. for goddess sake get rid of your anime! would you like me better if i were younger?

Pat: maybe if you were the student instead of the professor.  

TMIT: HEDGE FUND

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!!!

1. if you pay someone to do one chore what would it be? make the entire world socialist

2. if i gave you $1000000, how much would you give to charity?

all of it. then i'd open up my own chain of Dollar Stores where stuff was ACTUALLY one dollar or under cos i wouldn't charge tax. well okay tax on only two items: a Birth of Venus Botticelli original in its original frame signed by Noah Cyrus, and the real phone number of Tom Brady signed by Giselle not with a signature but with her lipstick-kiss imprint on the slip of paper

3. what is the most annoying thing your current or past partner does with money?

makes paper airplanes out of it that hit me in the forehead. while i'm trying to vote for Soledad O'Brien to be our next President...

Soledad O'Brien will bring the luck of the Irish to our world that so badly needs to recover... 

4. what is something you bought as a couple but would be embarrassed for your parents to know?

fake marriage license

5. what money-related thing have you hid from your significant other? that i don't got any

BONUS: if you received a million dollars would you tell people? why or why not?

only on reddit. cos i work for the California Lottery...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

 

MY SORDID HISTORY WITH TEACHERS...

notes:

* yeah i've always had a thing for teachers. like someone who gets interested in cars after watching Speed Racer i got interested in teachers after watching Magic School Bus. Ms. Frizzle was my first crush. i took notes not just for blogspot later. in my headcanon she's Miss Frizzle. dare i dream Mrs. Frizzle after a divorce? that's also when i decided i was damned cos i liked the gingers. oh don't even SHOW me the new rebooted Ms. Frizzle for Gen Z, don't show me that mess, the original is the Red OG! i'm not trying to throw anybody under the bus here, only myself.

* i put a shiny bright red apple on Ms. Frizzle's desk...

me: i love you, Ms. Frizzle. i don't need a schoolbus, YOU are my magic!

Ms. Frizzle takes the apple and throws it at my head.

Ms. Frizzle: gravity. inertia, class...

me: what's with the purple electric-guitar earring?

Ms. Frizzle: i ate Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock. no i really did eat him, as in i swallowed him, as in swallowed him whole, that's where my magic comes from. i hate to break this to you and the class but...when i was young, i was a hippie Flower Child...

Ms. Frizzle: that's NOT the same thing as boho! i was the REAL THING! i HATE Gen Z!

* grade school...

me: teach me your ways, Ms. Krause. the rest of the class hates you but i find you intriguing. i'm drawn to powerful women. i think deep down subconsciously i want to be dominated by strong women.

Ms. Krause: i can only teach you how to act Shakespearean. you won't understand this now but you think witches all wear black pointy hats, let me introduce you to this purple grimoire of mine i keep behind the blackboard called WICCA...

* this happened to me in high school...

me: so are we gonna fuck or what?

Ms. Glen, short as a churchmouse: i TEACH you History, let's not HAVE history. we want to but we can't. i don't have a husband, men are intimidated by my shortness. 

me: my shortness of breath...*reaches for rescue inhaler*

Ms. Glen: my shortness when i argue. you have to look at it this way: this all-boys school is an aberration, it has nothing to do with the real world. gather up all your friends from the all-girls school across the block, you will need them later. college won't go the way you envision, they will be your safety net.........20 years later when you're filmscript-writing your life and you need actresses to play all your lost loves...

* teacher: it's called Wingstop. not WingStop or Wing Shack or WingShack...or Wing Pit sponsored by NASCAR, not even Kevin James could make a red-state comedy work...

* teacher: why do i need to wear this tag with my face on it, we're not in a covid hospital...speaking of which, why aren't any of us wearing masks?...

* teacher: we were just going over the Hieroglyphics...

teacher: who ordered these wings?! fess up! who wants to eat now?!

kid: okay I WANNA EAT GLUE!!! *cries*

* teacher: class go outside and play in Beverley Mitchell's kids' playhouse...

class: Beverley Mitchell?

teacher: pure name-drop, haven't heard her name in ages, she's my next-door neighbor in Hollywood...

teacher: if you disobey me it's the dunce corner! here you'll get your head shaved like Bill Belichick! i'm the new modern kind of nun! we got rid of the habits but not the bad habits!

* teacher: lemon-pepper?

Wingstop man: lemon-salt.

teacher: FUCK YOU! only i can swear in class, class...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: The Chicken Wars. which chicken sandwich should i get?:

a) McDonalds

b) Popeyes

c) Burger King

d) Death Star

e) Domino's

f) Wendy's

g) Taco Bell (yes Taco Bell)

h) Togo's

can't say Wingstop of course that's cheating

 

PhD PAT: SPRING BREAK

Rachel Maddow: i was the Farrah Fawcett of my high school...

Bump: the bigly biglie Big Lie...

Walt Disney: shit on me all you want but my characters are the only ones who make children all over the world smile in hospitals, even the Arab world...

Trent Reznor: i'm Marilyn Manson without the mess...

Galivant: so where are you going for spring break?

Pat: i was thinking Rome...

Galivant: yeah but you're going for your PhD! there's no spring break for you! you're a REAL student!!!

Pat: everyone needs a break. wanna come?

Galivant: FINALLY you ask! but i cum without your permission...

Pat: i was thinking take in some gelato in my belly, take in some museums...

Galivant: i heard someone painted a mask over the Mona Lisa smile, that should be interesting to see...

Pat: there's an exhibition where all the teenage college students of Rome take to the streets and in one big body-art body-language exhibition they all lie down on the cobblestone head to foot and have the biggest fucking foam party this side of a German rave. but all the foam is really HAND SANITIZER bubbles...

Galivant: just promise me you won't cross the border and go back to the UK...your school's NYC now...

Stephanie Abrams: it's Big Tit Week! i mean Big Rig Week here at The Weather Channel!...

Mardith starts an inhouse greeting-card business and Madame Pons helps with the ribbon and rope on the side...

Craig Melvin bumps into Bryant Gumbel on the set of Today:

Craig: i'm the new you. except my white wife is hotter than yours.

Hilary Clinton: we get it, you're both Democrats...

Bryant: new toy. punkass kid. i honor Kobe. i make better gumbo than Forrest Gump. i made the chair you sit on...

Craig: sit on it! i'm not a punk i enjoy punk music.

Bryant: YEAH BUT HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON SNL, YOUNGBLOOD?!!!

Annie Lennox: the "No More 'I Love Yous'" video, i predicted Handmaid's Tale...

Madame Pons hugs Mardith:

Madame Pons: i love your taste in music it's so eclectic. i'd travel the ends of the Earth for good music. YOU teach ME.

Mardith: when i listen to Annie Lennox i get transported. i'm following Annie on tiptoe high in the mountains on a precarious vine-bridge in the high trees, both of us naked, sky full of mist and fog. Annie shoots me that crazed look and i shoot her one back. we both assume the monkey stance. we've escaped the mental ward on the hill and we're not looking back. we're gonna escape to our latibule in the lakes. just a name. Annie Lennox was the original Titan. she writes beautiful music by crazy people for crazy people that can only be appreciated by crazy people.

Gordon Ramsay: sauces are put on dishes when the food itself doesn't hold up...

Cecily Strong: SNL is good but it's also disposable pop culture...

Jillian Clare: they're dark-brown not black eyes okay?! i've been made faded and cynical by show business.

Pat: i know what heaven is. it's with you my brown-skinned maritime wavy splashy courtesan in an Ancient Roman pink-seashell bed fluttering white sheets in the blue moon wind little tiny waterfalls on each side obscuring the view of the populi that we're trying anal for the first time. we finally went out to drinks!! i thought it said Bears like Chicago Bears on his beanie but it said Beers...

Rachel Luba steps into LUSH. Madame Pons shakes her hand furiously.

Madame Pons: love the February hair. may i have permission to call you hot? you're my hero. in for a loofa? no lube here...

Rachel Luba: is there a location in my hometown?

Pons: no, ma'am, only ritzy Obec, none in Monterey, wink wink...

Rachel: got any balls?

Pons: *eyes light up* why yes! 

Rachel: no, baseballs...

Jim Belushi: look at that high eyebrow-arch of mine on my face, i coulda played Bluto AND Popeye!!! sorry, Robin Williams...

Cassie in New York: i couldn't eat a big apple.........get it? 

Cassie: we wanted a red apple but they only had green apples...

Celine: just popping in like The Muppet Show. stepping into the office to say i'm writing the next Before film and yes it's gonna take place in New York City and yes Cassie is gonna be in it, i don't need to be pretty anymore...

Eye Luggage: wait why is the emoji for wind a woman? that's rather sexist...

Dirg: that's not a woman that's the Wind God, a hippie with long hair...

Laertus: hippies were the first attempt at Bowie androgyny, men with long hair...

Barbara Ess: i don't wear a cup. i put on my big-boy pants, battle in my Y-wing. my photography was rich in black, white, and a scraggly piece of hair-brown. i was the snake? i AM the snake! not mean, merely gobbling up mere mortals. saving Velma...

Tyzik: that one Instagram follower who laugh-emojis everytime you post a lost soul who has passed away with the sober praying-hands emoji and R.I.P.... 

Emma Meisel: yeah but what's the great show of today? what's the Seinfeld of 2020? what's the ER of 2020?...

Madame Pons: one of my girls says polyamory saved her life...

Takahashi: certainly didn't hurt when her father The Penguin was arrested for arson of the Iceberg Lounge...she was finally free from his web-footed clutches...

Dirg: Paris Hilton looked hot as a cop...

Laertus: you just have to accept the fact that you lost the election. you lost the Civil War. again...

Bill Murray: for some reason young hot stacked nubile Hollywood actress starlets all love me...

Trent Reznor: i joined a suicide-prevention hotline with Spalding Gray, Reach Today, and Comedy Central...

Jillian Clare: unforeseen deaths have affected me, i'm dead inside hence my blank stare. i'm not a black widow, man Trous was the truth...

Mardith: when you're constantly posting on Instagram about how great your marriage is, that you found what others never find, i mean why tempt fate like that?...

Amanda Gorman: that's the problem, it only lasts one day. and then the next day you gotta be buzzed into your own place...

Eddie Murphy: i really am related to the President. my middle name really is Reagan. Brooklyn, the land of the seed of ALL uncensored intellectual dangerous creativity. New York, the most dangerous city in the world...

Stewie Griffin: you have to understand, Family Guy was never meant to go on for this long. our writers are spent, there is literally NOTHING left for us to do...

Doryce: so what, are the two of us McHags now?...

Green Day: we were inspired for Dookie by the Bedtime for Democracy cover...

Doryce: i'm going into a Budgens to free Bogie the budgie. fly birdie fly! free, birdie, free!

Takahashi: yesterday i had an insane amount of free time. 20 hours to spare. i bought AND beat a brand-new video game i had never seen before IN ONE DAY, do you know how depressing that is?...

Dirg: i need to start running again...

Laertus: again?

Dirg: running briskly. a brisk walk, his presidency was such a breath of fresh air, you know? not the same ol staid same ol. brisk like iced tea. a stroll in below-freezing temps, really taste the frigid air in my mouth...

Mardith: don't look at me...

Laertus: you'd never make it, you're already the body-type of a snowman...

Masako Katsura: not the mangaka, the billiards queen. i hope the Black Widow of today who stole my whole act recovers...

Tim Curry: Meatloaf tastes better with curry. i was pretty when i was young...

Dirg: everytime if i'm lucky on my Instagram i get that one important hot Hollywood celeb babe on my Stories, the Algorithm grants me but ONE...

Michael Weiss: i block her every time...

Dirg: yours?

Michael: yours...

Vincent Schiavelli: i played the first recurring gay character on American tv! i was more than a hulking Frankenstein...

Jack Tripper: remember my show things got taken to the next level whenever you were gonna spend the weekend in the mountains with your date, that was when things got serious...

Rekka from Fire Force: C-C-C-C-C-COCAINE!!!

Doryce: i know. the '80s. Indio. Palm Springs. Napa. watching golf. Stouffer's french-bread pizza on a beaded rag burning the roof of your mouth. but the Stouffer's ones are runny, the Red Baron french-bread pizzas are more firm, more substantial...

Dirg: more manly...

Gladyce: i get so hungry it takes too long to prepare the mushroom omelette i have to eat before i wash the dirty pots and pans.

Doryce: our next jaunt is to SFMOMA.

Gladyce: the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art. 

Doryce: i want to see the display of Mister Rogers giving the finger.

Gladyce: i want to see Martin Yan! he lives there, right?

Madame Pons: i want to work there! that's where the Love Boat is, right?

Steven Gundry MD: *turns on lectern* think a banana is good for you? think again. think an egg is good for you? think again. think combining a banana and an egg is good for you? think again. think you're human? think again. you're just a combination of a banana and an egg...

Michael Weiss in a pink-bunny suit eating a celery: i have a question...

Tyzik: let's see with these 7 new facebook-group suggestions if facebook is any closer to figuring out who i am...

Mariam Nour: i'm the Lebanese Amy Goodman...

Michael Weiss in a Donald Duck sailor hat: TikTok, one step below OnlyFans...

Laertus: there's one word that's worse than moist: sharted

Dirg: you gotta be careful when texting, 

you are my friend!

is much different from 

you are my friend?

Laertus: Dirg, International Women's Day is not your day to fuck...

Mardith: i don't want to go onto his Instagram again. everytime i enter his Instagram Stories after a long absence it just reminds me of a world i will never enter...

Dirg: but it's the Congresspeople in Washington who are the hard-of-hearing ones...

crones: the Everard Baths are open to everyone...

Takahashi: any desert place in the middle of California is always the same: one The Habit Burger Grill drivethru, one Starbucks drivethru, miles and miles of hot white sidewalk on sand...

Becky Blasband: the first season of The Real World was different. it was substantial. why didn't MTV make 30 seasons of OUR Season 1? this coulda been appointment television, a show that mattered like SNL to change society...

Dirg: adult-contemporary, huh?...

Dirg: if you're an L.A. actor kid, you loiter in one of two places: Joshua Tree, Disneyland...

Lucy Kirk: i was the only one who actually got a bearskin-spread of Freddie Mercury...

Rick Rodgers: i am the only man Aaron Rodgers is scared of...

Dirg: if i ever had a Fatal Attraction situation where a crazy chick was trying to kill me, that would be so hot to me. i was worthy enough of a human being to be loved that way...

Mardith: well chased that way, love is obsession but obsession is not love...

Madame Pons: unlike men women can take the hint...

Laertus: he's just not that into you...

Doryce: you gotta use THIS milk bottle, THIS bottle of milk, the expiration date is my birthday!

Bill Murray: see? my lisp doesn't affect the chicks thing...

Robin Williams: we all wear masks...

Minerva Magazine: we don't only do the searching for Hitler's tomb...

Alex Trebek: i've dated every woman. EVERY SINGLE WOMAN

LeafFilter joins the suicide-prevention hotline...

Laertus: you're only religious cos you were raised in Florida...

Michael Weiss in a greenscreen booth: i don't get TikTok, it's too short...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Natalie Portman: flavored was our slang word on Beautiful Girls.

Laura Linney: dense.

Kool-Aid Man: oh yeah!

Natalie Portman: there was a scene where Willie hands me a packet of Kool-Aid powder until Woody Allen nixed it...

Natalie Portman: Chris D'Elia, we don't want your kind round these parts, kindly turn around and go back where you came from on the swan what brung ya. swim away on the frozen pond...

Natalie Portman: now if you'll excuse me i have a Honey-Nut Cheerios commercial to film...

Eye Luggage: Roman Holiday and go...

Dirg: i mean the tits thing tho, right? one secret producer who i'm sure was a Communist described Audrey Hepburn as perfect for this role cos she had no tits, no ass, no tightfitting clothes, no heels. didn't know people said tits in the '50s...

Gina Lollobrigida, age 93: hey, anti-Italian sentiment is real. it has caused my people a lifetime world of hurt. 

Lucio Rossi: anti-curves, too, my bubble butt went through the ringer. Italians aren't just pizza, spaghetti, the mafia, and being supersmart unlike Mario Lopez...

Marvin: why didn't you fuck me? i coulda easily fit inside your vagina.

Audrey Hepburn: when it comes to my fellow Martians i date men not boys. it's like when Sophia Loren first saw Tyrone Power...

Sophia Loren: que bello

Audrey: Martian Manhunter is a man. this was my very first film and i won the Academy Award for it! that portended the future, huh.

Laertus: the ingenious ingenue! the daring debutante! the stinging starlet!

Eye: not darling debutante. i would have accepted dashing debutante...

Natalie Portman: you know i'm known as the modern-day Audrey Hepburn...

Audrey Hepburn: i don't see it.

Laertus: in all fairness the acting here is just...passable from you, Audrey. at least at first, at the start, which is perfectly expected as this is your first role. you do become more lived-in at the end. Gregory Peck's no showstopper, he's just sorta there, playing Tall Dark and Handsome.

Gregory Peck: the Italian summers down there were murder! i HAD to wear Audrey's silk nightgown to keep cool! it was like a Twilight Zone episode! it was like i was on trial, fighting for my life! the studio system forced me to go down to the Riviera cos they wanted that to be the new location for Hollywood! i hadn't the heart to tell them the only palm trees they'd find there would be in gelato cups as toothpicks. i didn't want this role, i wanted to play Woody Woodpecker!

Audrey: i was quite peckish when i was down there filming, the studio system said i could only eat gelato. i was so skinny i purposely fell into the river during the water scene so i could drink the Tiber. i wanted another part but Katharine Hepburn kept getting all my parts!!! they were confusing YOU for ME!!! 

Katharine Hepburn: you dumb bitch! people think we're related but we're not!.........i know, it's the strangest most confounding thing in the world, as Hepburn is not exactly a common name, we were both stars of the Golden Era around the same time, it's inconceivable that we weren't sisters or something...

Dirg: when men were men! when men were men?

Eye: i'm sorry but Eddie Albert. yeah. it's very strange, i look at him in this film and he literally looks like a being from another time period, he looks like an actor from now from the 2000s, he's Scott Grimes from ER. or better yet he's Scott Grimes from The Orville who took that ship back in time! he's supposed to be a Russian? did i detect a Russian accent ONCE?!!

Eddie Albert: i have no idea what i was doing with that young naked girl hanging over my two-storey apartment but i assure you it was NOT shooting her for Playboy... 

Eddie Albert: that scene in the picture where i talk about my local girlfriend...i married in real life Margo, a woman so exotic and mysterious she only had one name...

Codrus: i recognize all these filming locations in and around Rome...

Margaret Rawlings: i was Velma before Velma...

Alfredo Rizzo: i was the smart man, never leave a drunk girl in your cab, that's only trouble later.

Dirg shakes Rizzo's hand then goes to shake it and pulls out at the last minute to air-comb his greasy hair...

the barber: i saved Audrey Hepburn! by cutting her hair short those bangs weren't doing her any favors.

Cher: i did that first!

Jennifer Aniston: no me!

Audrey: would you believe me if i told you i played baseball not softball for my college team...

Laertus: okay your two screams in this film are wonderful. the first one where you go crazy in bed or was that your acting? and the second one when you think Gregory Peck's hand has been chopped off.

Audrey: honestly that would have made Gregory Peck a better lover...

Natalie Portman: yes women go nude to bed. or in my era only wearing the pajama BOTTOMS...

Eye: oooh the way you crane your neck like that, girl, that's painful, that's chiropracty in Medieval times. your ha! shows you're a playful sprite. why does everyone always escape palaces in laundry trucks?...

Eye: she's already dead inside cos she's a woman in the '50s. not a sedative just a 7-Up soda pill. the girl knows Shelley. AND Keats!, she must not be THAT drunk. get around the two-bed thing with a cot.  

Meghan Markle: DON'T PAY FOR THE EXCLUSIVE!!! it'll ruin all lives involved! being a princess ain't all it's cracked up to be!

Audrey: look how pretty i am, i'm impossibly pretty. 

Gregory: you're obviously a soothsayer. ah the Colosseum, where the Olympics will always be played...

Audrey: until the coronavirus...

Eye: there are no shoes small enough to fit a woman's feet. that's a lot of damage caused by that vespa...

Dirg: just bat your eyelashes, Audrey, and the cop'll let you go...or the taximan...

Eddie Albert: i shot the princess with the barber. with my camera that is. it would have been a worldwide scandal! but the barber wouldn't play along...

the barber: you're cute for a 2020 man...

Rubikon: and now my favorite scene, the river scene. with the obligatory totally-staged man-on-man fist-to-fist wedding-party-crasher scene. cos every wedding party MUST be crashed. and the perfunctory kiss between the leads...

Laertus: okay the acting starts to get better here. when you're crying, Audrey, i feel your deep inner turmoil. you want to abdicate so badly but you can't, rigid responsibility over true love, the pain in your eyes, you're trapped in a cage.

Meghan: and Peter Brady ain't coming in on a white horse to save you...

Peck: you're shivering...am i that frigid in bed?

Audrey: yes but i still love you. don't watch me as i exit the cab and go inside the palace, i don't want you to see i have no ass...

Peck: men can't cry so just forget about me. then when you see a man crying it won't be me...

Audrey: promise me you won't become a porn star...

Eddie Albert: when we looked at the photographs more closely we found Princess Ann was holding Jimi Hendrix's electric guitar...

Audrey: i've had better breakfasts in the U.S....i love those IHOP burritos!

Laertus: great acting at the end there. Audrey's trying to keep a stiff upper-lip, a fake smile for the press, but you know she's shaking inside. 

Eye: how it shoulda gone down:

Audrey: so happy. i shall never be happy again. i shall cherish my time in Rome most of all. for all my days. can i give that random American reporter there a kiss? my tongue in his ear the Italian kiss...

Gregory: and then i stand in an empty church for a fucking whole hour. and i walk away slowly taking a fucking whole hour of screentime!!! i had to endure being blacklisted and suicide. i think the current Pope is hot but i prefer my priests like these two knucklehead monks here. Chirac wanted us to do the film in France, he bribed me with chiclets. cos of me you have the All-American Cheryl Tiegs...

Audrey: my romances were straight out of a script! Gregory sloppied me off to Ferrer cos he didn't want to have to deal with me. my last relationship was the best, he was my kept-boy who went to all my aerobics classes with me. without me the UN would have dissolved and there'd be no defence against Brexit creep. i'm glad the blacklisted writer for our little film Roman Holiday finally got the credit. 

Eye: okay Roman Holiday sequels. Princess Ann defects and takes Joe to Wattstax. 

Dirg: and then they go to Berkeley to form the band Isocracy. Audrey Hepburn finally wears pantisocracy pants not that Miyazaki anime-girl outfit she wore for this film. 

Laertus: a generation later and a little band called Live forms on the Susquehanna from the ashes of Samuel Taylor Coleridge's Pantisocracy...

Laertus: you know within the first two minutes in watching this film i blessed the clouds above for this life, that this life included films, that films were a thing, they they existed. i cried during the introductory fake wartime-footage reel scene at the start there and just celebrated that we have trillions of films to enjoy, dissect, and savor. g'night, folks.

Galivant: i came as soon as i could. what is up?

Pat: a lot. Tyzik had to come to bail me out of an Italian jail when you were late. no roommate orgies involved, he did take pics tho...

Galivant: i'm never late, you just don't see me...

Pat: as people over at Rome started mistaking me for Prince i had to run away and couldn't hide anywhere. the gelato was really frozen vanilla extract. i had to eat my shoe. someone dumped roses on my head. i shaved my head earlier to avoid Recognition so all the thorns made me look like Pinhead. Nadal stepped on my toes. 

Galivant: i know, didn't you see me at the Colosseum? i presented you with a yellow vespa from FLCL.

Pat: i seriously thought the Mouth of Truth was Olmec so i stole him off the grounds and tried to abscond with Olmec until Olmec i mean the Mouth of Truth ate me. i woke in an Italian jail suicidal, thank goddess Courtney Love was there to bail me out...

Galivant: now you're learning...

Galivant: you're stressing all over the place. you're not being yourself. is the matter your major? or is it Masonic? you're not telling me something, what's with you. why are you acting flavored? it can't just be the gelato. you so crazy, that's why i love you. now calm down and tell me and Fox Mulder here the story.