PhD PAT: DESIGNATED FUCK

Mardith: i'm just waiting around. posting everyday. in the hopes that THIS day a cute boy will see me. even tho i've been posting since i was born. that's why you have to post everyday, you can't miss a day...

Madame Pons: post to organize your thoughts so when the boy comes you'll have your resume...

Pat: this is gonna take the two of us, i can't do Batman without my Catwoman.

Galivant: i'm more like your Robin. actually i'm more like your Batman. what, note cards? flash drives? taking notes as you paint a pear? flashing?

Pat: one or both of us is gonna have to give up everything. give up their lives, drop out of school, to help prepare the other, give them noogies and pop quizzes under the sheets at night. 

Galivant: readback. seeing as you don't have a job i'll keep mine thank you. I'M ALREADY IN THE QUARTERS OF THE AUSSIE OPEN!!! i was the only one who followed covid protocol! they ran out of masks cos they had to use the netting for racquet strings.

Roger Federer: ...and the net...

Takahashi: i went with Craig Robinson to the Super Bowl. the Round Table pizza there had the pepperoni right to the edge of the table of the pizza circle...

Dirg: that pizza looked like a big coronavirus...

Craig Robinson: not cool, blood...

Ex-President Bump grows a long flowing scraggly beard...

Jack Dorsey: Tom Hanks in Castaway?...

Jennette McCurdy: the iCarly revival, a show which glorified social media, social media destroyed the world.

Dirg: hey Sam, still got that nice butt?

Jennette McCurdy: yes.

Michael Weiss wearing red eye-contacts and a snapback: you can see it plain as day!!! out in the open in the comment sections of Instagram!!! blatant cheating going on in marriages!!!

Michael Weiss Coors Seltzer in his hand: Instagram is just trillions and trillions of beer-fueled drug-fueled accounts of accounts...

Carl Sagan: i was wrong, there are trillions and trillions of stars...

Chris Farley: why o why wasn't there ever a Matt Foley movie?!! i offered to write it but Spade always kept stalling. i was in the prime of my life for only a short time...

David Spade: i was in mourning...

Chris Farley: Matt Foley made it to 35, i made it to 33...

Doryce: Clouds Hill Avenue, i've been there. the sex is like a cloud...

Skins: tell us about it...

Boc: i got a limbsaw. as per the name i'll be careful...

Ray Sharkey: SNL was more like latenight porn back then...

Cotard: i went to Subiaco Abbey to pick up some Italian wine...

Laertus: there is no good reason ever to go to Arkansas...except to save Bill Clinton...

Codrus: i went to Subiaco Abbey to pick up some razorbacks for the spit roast...

Dirg: i got kicked out of Subiaco Academy for masturbating...

Codrus: i had to go to Hebrew School in a mountainous area...

Trent Reznor: if you had had a kid it would have settled you down.

Marilyn Manson: a kid? i had many. 

Trent: we have to come to terms with the fact that most goths are also white trash.

Marilyn: hey the Nazi stuff wasn't real i swear, just a costume party not a real party...

Mardith: the 2021 film Pleasure, it's X-rated but not in the way that you think...

Dirg: Chloe "Gracious Tempest" Moretz goes from Tom & Jerry to porn, busy girl...

Pete Davidson: i get Palm Springs and The King of Staten Island confused...

Codrus: when it comes to video-players on the internet, always go with the can't-miss can't-fail plays-smooth-every-time already-initialized green video-player that plays all those Naruto episodes, it's immaculate...

Codrus: Monk Sauce? too easy...

Cotard: Gracious Tempest

Amy Goodman: hold on, i'll answer your question, i'll give you an autograph, but first i need to rattle off 100 names in 6 seconds...

Pink Floyd: we were pretty good in the '90s, too, tho nobody paid attention to us...

Kurt Cobain: sorry...

Doryce: do they make diet cigarettes?

Gladyce: Lucky Strike, it's toasted!

Kate Moss: cigarettes, coffee, champagne, cash straight, vodka...

Takahashi: everyone is wanting old shows to come back, right? i need Lab Rats back!!! i need Naruto back!!!

JK Rowling: it's amazing just how far the Harry Potter franchise has fallen. fallen out of favor on twitter. no one talks about it anymore.

Marilyn Manson: what goes up must come down.........to Hell...

Patrick Mahomes: i mean why the hell did i get my haircut in the first place!!? my hair is my trademark!

Michael Weiss shaving his head: Instagram, it's just a giant public-relations firm for Turkey...

Dirg: stop the steal, only we can steal. we want a 3rd Impeachment like the Star Wars films!!! what's up with Teen Titans Go tho? between addressing Flat Earth Theory directly in a kid's cartoon show to the elbow-grease cum...

TOM: always on the quest to build a better cartoon show...build back better...

Ruth Plant: TNR is NOT TRL...

cat familiars: tell us about it...

Ex-President Bump: i mean pretty soon these mass-vaccination NFL fields are gonna be turned into mass death-camps where all sort and manner of weird experimentation with needles will take place on the populace, on the people, believe me, i know.

Bruce Willis: i haven't had a date in 7 years, Demi......just sayin...i could help you with your face, let's have our date at the pharmacy...

Dirg: celeb babes in their Instagram stories telling their life whilst naked under the sheets of their beds, this is why i don't quit Instagram...

Jack Dorsey: like the Washed Out song and twitter says, "Time To Walk Away..."

Ciara Bravo: see all those co-ops on that hill? artist colonies dotting the landscape all along New York City, stretched out as the sun hits their window flush for golden hour. that's the way to go, that's the way to be, we have them in Hollywood, too. 

Bump: rent-controlled? i'm looking for a place...

Joe Piscopo: ironically, that Eddie Atari Asteroids bit we did made fun treating video games as if they were sports, little could i have imagined...

Takahashi: video games not a manly-enough sport for you, Joe?...

Dirg: the Italian Maneuver, shooting as you're retreating...

Piscopo: i wanted to say Led Zeppelin but copyright...

Dirg: Ann Risley was a striking woman.........i never said i was striking her...

Mardith: sigh, just say she has nice eyes and move on...

Childish Gambino: my "Feels Like Summer" is the modern-day "Mercy Mercy Me The Ecology"...

Biden: it's a fresh start for everyone, all the businesses...

Willy: the Titans flattened the Earth...but it's still not Flat Earth...

Rubikon: i wear this Kente cloth around my neck to protect it, to honor it, to soothe it...

Dirg: that cloth scares me, the slaves want an insurrection, a revolt, they want revenge...

LeVar Burton is spotted wandering the halls of the Capitol wondering which door to enter to get funding for the Reading Rainbow reboot...

M Night Shyamalan: it's been awhile. Old is not Lost, i'm not old nor lost...

The Weeknd: ingenious, yeah? i'm not sowry. my dancers had masks on to be free AND comment on body image. can you hear me now? i want my 7 million back. 

Rose Apothecary moves in next door to LUSH...

Tyrann Mathieu: Tom Brady imma knock the taste out yo mouth. like covid...

Gladyce: i've lost my taste for Abuelita and top ramen...

Laertus: okay after the Super Bowl i NEED an Edward Scissorhands sequel!

Eye Luggage: i know.

Dirg: yeah but NO WAY Chalamet plays Edward. DEPP must play Edward, i can relate to Depp...

Pat: i'm so crestfallen over Julia Ioffe i'm gonna get a tattoo of the Princeton tiger on my butt...

Dirg: fruited plain, that's the problem with America...

Laertus: you want me to go get Bruce Springsteen to come back to the one-room schoolhouse-church on campus here, shut the door behind him, look you in the eye, shake your shoulders, and straighten you out once and for all?...

at The Weather Channel:

Stephanie Abrams: come on, Jim, come on, Jim Cantore, put on that Tigger onesie and bounce around for me...

Jim Cantore: it's telling you did Baby Shark, Abrams, your clock is ticking...

Jen Carfagno: my EYES are what's dewy on my body! stop leering at me, Jim! i'll only get in your car if it's electric. drive me to the library!

Jim Cantore: i'm too old they revoked my license...

Laertus hugs Dirg around the neck:

Laertus: Dirg you're my soymate...

Takahashi hugging Dirg around the neck: Dirg you're MY soymate, a different soy...

Tom Brady: i don't care! IMA FIRIN MA LAZER! the Bucs pirate ship cannon!

Navalny: imma be a filmmaker. a petrichor Pravda poontaker. i'll nest all the dolls. imma be the Ruski Spielberg, not the Soviet Spielberg...

Serena Williams at the Aussie Open: okay Tom Brady is cute.

Tom Brady at the Super Bowl: okay Serena Williams is cute. where's Donald Duck?

Serena and Tom: happy now, media?

Roger: i watch tennis for John McEnroe now...

The Weeknd: Roger, can i borrow your red hat? it completes my outfit. i'd proudly wear 40 pounds again, i need to gain weight anyway. i'll do anything for rupees, Zelda got me through Canadian high school which we have seen on tv is brutal. it gets better.........my performance, wait till the end...

Dirg: selling crack rupees? cracked rupees?

Dirg: we don't want girl activists, we just want to fuck...

Ex-President Bump at the Aussie: i wear red cos i'm Santa...

Madame Pons dons the Mary Quant bowl-cut mod hair to make her entrance at the Aussie...

nobody notices The Weeknd at the Aussie...

Federer: you will always spot me at the Australian Open player restaurant...

Doryce: in just one month the grand reopening of The Store, the place is already a dump...

Jodie Whittaker: exact same thing happened to London...

Roger Federer: i'd like to talk to Rebecca Marino, we have a lot in common when it comes to loss and mental illness...

Rebecca Marino: i mean i'm only 30 but i feel like i'm 90...

Ana Golja: so there's never been a Degrassi film in theatres. i'm sowry about that, i'm writing it right now...

Kawhi Leonard: We The North isn't just a Canada thing, it's an America thing...

Cotard: my black female friend who's the editor of Wikipedia says speedy deletion is the ultimate tool the nerds use against the jocks, the spazzes against the cheerleaders...

Demetria Lucas: i'm the new Black Church. i'm the new Star Wars that works. the Vader black that don't crack!

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Pet Shop Boys: we're fashionably late. tragedy. we're hip, too. why the fuck wasn't our song "Opportunities" put on the Career Opportunities soundtrack!!!

Tyzik: Kylo was on that NordicTrack thing with Rey where you're shadowboxing in the Sahara Savanna...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again? oh yeah the CGI in Al Davis Vs. The NFL was WAY better than the CGI in The Rise of Skywalker...

Eye: The Last Seduction and go...

Doryce: i will forever associate The Last Seduction with Dunkin, they're both dank dark and noir. i was eating Dunkin Coffee Cereal and drinking a 128-ounce of Dunkin cold-brew in the film theatre first time i saw this, i made such a racket...

Dirg: UGH. New York City again? listen with all that smog coming out all the sewer grates in the City covering all the tall buildings with clouds, you're simply not gonna have any plein air painters coming over from the other side to share their California Impressionism, you want that, coastal kooks?  

Eye Luggage: pay attention to that famous bridge, it will be symbolic later...

Laertus: this was meant to be a standard-issue throwaway lost-in-the-crowd skin-e-max flick but the script was so good it elevated the material to Zalman-King-softcore-level.

Zalman King knocks on the pod door with Joan, Dirg shoos them away...

Dirg: unless you're Larry not yet, babes...

Dirg: i mean do we really have to watch this? the only reason to watch this is to see Linda Fiorentino completely naked...

Linda Fiorentino: sorry, toots.

Eye: and without further ado, my hero and yours, help me welcome with a round of applause: Ms. Linda Fiorentino!!!

Linda: no. stop. no loud noises. i get street shotgun flashbacks. 

Chris Matthews: how do you maintain that Long-Island-Lolita accent when you're from my home state of Pennsylvania?

Dirg: ho state not home state. why were you just a one-hit wonder, doll? you had SO much potential...

Linda: HOLLYWOOD SCREWED ME OVER!!! they couldn't take a gangsta moll like me giving them the riot act and willing to shoot them! i tore them a new asshole but by then it was already too late. think about this: my performance would have WON me the Oscar that year!!! my performance TOWERED above the others and the rest! the only reason i didn't get it is i got disqualified ON A TECHNICALITY. this stupid movie showed on HBO first so i couldn't be considered. it's an honor just to be nominated my skinny white ass!!! it appeared and i disappeared. i was blackballed. i was the first Cancel. i mean that tickytack-foul decision cost me my CAREER! imagine if i had won that Oscar and went on to be become Julia Roberts...

Baby Yoda: now you're just a tick below Gina Carano...

Linda: instead i dig flowers, instead i took my role in this film a little too seriously and got caught up in real-life stoolie shenanigans with pelicans and tape recorders. oh i READ THEM TO FILTH!!! but Hollywood has long forgotten about me and myself...

Laertus: okay this is bad, i will NOT like Peter Berg! even tho in this he's so damn adorable, he's a damn teddy bear.

Dirg: neo-noir. in other words, Not Quite Noir...

Laertus: yeah needs more night. and Peter Berg needs to be less innocent.

Dirg: um, is that damn jazz music going to be in the background THE WHOLE DAMN MOVIE!!!? like a bad Night Court episode. i can't take it! it's annoying!!! there's only so much sax a man can take!!!

Rubikon: *gazing at Dirg* it's called playing incidental, honky.

Dean Norris: hey if Fox Mulder can have Red Shoe Diaries i can have Breaking Bad...

Dirg: and even back then we had covid vaccine on the black market. which is all covid vaccines, unreliable. wow, dude just up and slaps the living shit outta you. whats-his-butt the Bill everyone confuses, he took your stuffing with that slap. can't get away with that anymore...

Linda: that was the fulcrum of the script, numbnuts, the point of the whole story. justified everything i did.

Dirg: ah, telemarketing BEFORE the internet. eunuch, i love that, there wasn't the word cuck yet...

Dirg: Beston? obvious dig at Boston. Mayberry values. 

Laertus: i love moviemaking back then, it was ALL New York. so to show farm vs. city they don't go to another state, they simply have New York City and Buffalo as the farm!

Chewbacca slaps Dirg with a foldin table...

Tony Scott: the lovely blonde waitress in the small town with the big tits smashing pumpkins and the bum is my wife...

Peter Berg: i really am hung like a horse, i swallowed swill. i have a cute cut to my lisp mouth when i'm not angry. this opportunity on HBO led to me getting Chicago Hope...

Linda: yeah pile it on why doncha. about that: who was your wifey co-star on that show? Jayne Brook. i look EXACTLY like Jayne Brook!!! why the fuck wasn't that ME on Chicago Hope!!! i lost all hope...

John Hughes: sorry...

Dirg: ah, tracing, tracing was the thing, the big thing in crime movies at the time, always so dramatic, the phone-tracer would always get the FIRST 6 NUMBERS but never the 7TH NUMBER!!!

Eye Luggage: COMPUTER, MAGNIFY.

Dirg: remember he's black, not Black, still the '90s.

Linda: was your first wife pretty? that was a loaded question...

Eye: sigh, still the accepted transphobia. the drag queen in this was in Wong Foo, you just didn't see her... 

Serena Williams: wasn't me...

Laertus: as a scriptwriter i gotta give it up to the mirror in this, used not sexually, used for wordplay and wordgames and word jumbles and mirror writing. WENDY KROY for New York City, clever.

Dirg: i'm not gonna say all women are crazy, all women are psycho, but THIS woman clearly is psycho. mind games, that's all women do. never trust a woman who offers you baked goods, women are the gateway drug to more dangerous behaviors...

Linda: if the man's a wifebeater murder is sanctioned.

Chris Matthews: they did Bill Nunn dirty here. he was more than a black cock. he was a pillar in the Pennsylvania Harlem innercity community. and a damn fine Pittsburgh Steeler. a trailblazer who didn't deserve to crash in a car cos white women have no ass.

Laertus: omg my dad remembers that scene vividly, it's a strong memory, when she's at the hospital. how was hockey?

Linda: my favorite line of mine from the film.

Dirg: wait. how did Bridget forge Trish's handwriting? after one looksee? she's that good a grift? what is this a Bubbleblabber writing sample? stay under the bed with your conniving ass, woman, not in the bed...

Laertus: yeah that's it, Peter Berg, that bar brawl is more your speed, that's what you do every night in your real life...

Linda: do all crimes with the lights off, tricks your mind out of a conscience. and saves energy for green electric cars...

Dirg: i can't see what i'm doing when i masturbate. this Peter Berg stoolie ain't got the guts to finish the job. killing is hard when it's on paper. wait you can kill someone with a whole bottle of pepper spray? i thought that was like exploding bank money with the purple paint, harmless.

Mardith: i use salt spray on you...

Dirg: and she lights up the only piece of evidence against her like a cigarette in a limo. 

Linda: RAPE ME! RAPE ME! RAPE ME LIKE THE FARMBOY YOU ARE!

Kurt Cobain: sorry...

Dirg: again, not able to get away with that now...

Joan Severance: so i did the Last Seduction sequel we won't talk about. NOBODY but Linda should be in this role. i only did it cos Showtime was desperate to merge with HBO...

Dirg: why'd you do it, Tony Scott? you had a Barbie. 

Tony Scott: the bridge in this inspired me to do it at Vincent Thomas Bridge, they're similar. both have that Olympic Rings of hope on their spanners...

van Gogh: thanks! i will NEVER live down my name! 

Dylan Thomas: i told you to drink, Vince.

Tom Cruise: it wasn't me.........i had nothing to do with shouting at Tony Scott on set...i didn't drive him over the edge...we dedicated Top Gun 2 in Tony's memory. g'night, folks.

Galivant arrives carrying a carriage clock. one that's been rubbed out in the corner with an inscription carved into the scribbled shoulder.

Pat: oh my god this is brilliant! vintage! where'd you get this?

Galivant: look.

Pat: the autograph says IOFFE. but how do you know it's really Julia? 

Galivant: i pray to goddesses. it's not as faded as you think, it's dug in there! a woman recognizes another woman's nailmarks. these have passion cut in them! ready for homework?

Pat: things aren't going well. i read Nausea and didn't get sick once...

Jean-Paul Sartre: the best thing i ever wrote. my favorite effort. everybody's first book is always the best, it's the one free from artifice. i did a Pepto-Bismol tv commercial as a tie-in with the book but it was left on the cutting-room floor cos they said my glasses had too much glare for the camera. so i declined. my partner Simone said i was too short to be a movie star, that woman really made me love Hard Truth.   

TMIT: I'M OLD. I'M AN OLD MAN NOW

Corrupting Mrs. Jones and i are still playing TMIT 8 years later. and i wouldn't change a week, i've loved it, keeps my weary mind active, kept me engaged especially during 2020 when there were no other engagements for me even ones i hoped for, gives me something to do, acts as my brainstorm for other writing i do. just a great way to keep my thoughts running without having to swim with the jellyfish and sleep with the jellyfishes which is electrically dangerous...

1. if you had a magic beauty wand, what would you give yourself?

a) shinier hair hands down

b) glowing soft skin---pass the moisturizer, dude 

c) brighter eyes with no crows feet, i want to look less tired

d) nada, i love what i've got

besides a blowjob i wand Baker Mayfield with a "Smooth Move EXLAX". i then give Baker the wand and shake his elbow with a glove and tell him it's gonna be okay, the Browns will win the Super Bowl next year...

i take a bath at the Irish Spring NOT located near where Homer works despite the janitor, decipher the puzzle of the word Cerave, start an indie band, visit a certain Congressman, and start another indie band cos the first one failed to get a record deal for some reason. i call my new band Nada Surf...

2. if you were spring-cleaning your life what 5 things would you throw out?

first of all i'd get Melissa Maker to help me...

that's my problem, i can't throw anything out, i'm addicted to nostalgia and scared to death that something i throw out will have sentimental value that i'll never be able to recover and write about in a book.

i keep my Aaron Rodgers autographed baseball card in the hopes of going to a con one day and getting Shailene to autograph it (the autograph on it now is mine), keep my The Weeknd mixcassettetape despite the critics, my Fauci glasses, my frisbee i haven't thrown since the '80s cos parks will open again one day and i'll like pie again, and my boxcutter cos i'm gonna KEEP all those cardboard boxes in my bedroom...

3. if money were no object what kind of house would you buy?

i do not object to this. the Super Bowl set The Weeknd had going there. with all the highrises and tall buildings signifying all of us in the world in quarantine. his tribute to Canada and Canada big cities. and the backup dancers no one saw. everyone forgot Willie Nelson was there, too. the reviews are in and most felt the performance had a bad energy to it. but that was just The Weeknd's microphone at the start was turned low you couldn't hear the man, that was obviously sabotage spurned on by a jealous detractor in the shadows named Batman who didn't like how The Weeknd was glamorizing Two-Face...

4. have you ever visited an erotic massage parlor and had a happy ending?

yes. i finally found the time so i took my buddy up with me who runs the New England Patriots. he had a rare Super Bowl weekend free and agreed to tag along with me.........

BONUS: using the handy chart above what is your butt type, spanked or not?

and we do mean "handy"

i love how No Ass At All is English!!!

gotta go with the Spongebob and the van Gogh. i first learned about van Gogh in a Spongebob episode, see all those writers all went to art school...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

PAC-MAN THROWS DOTS (DARTS)

notes:

* *Rod Serling voice* picture if you will an '80s arcade pizzeria. not a neo-noir one like Game Over Pizza in downtown L.A. that's neon-purple. but an actual arcade that existed in the 1980s. now picture i mean hear that Pac-Man music at the start of each game. now instead of that Pac-Man music insert in your head Guns N Roses's "Patience"...

* now picture that top shelf you never paid no mind to all these years in your house all dusty with all your soccer trophies from the '80s that aren't gold anymore, they're silver from all the gold rubbed off. SUDDENLY that damn shelf collapses and you have no choice but to go to Pizza Hut for breakfast...

* Craig Robinson: remember when they said they weren't gonna do Super Bowl commercials anymore? cos they were too expensive and all the work that went into them wasn't worth it in the end?...

* Pizza Hut: we've always been "retro-styled", we never changed our style. 

Phoenix: the one thing i remember vividly was that lamp above your head, plaid lit checkered light in the shape of a wrapped drum...

Pizza Hut: called a Tiffany lamp.

Phoenix: named after Tiffany glass?

Pizza Hut: no named after when Tiffany banged that "secret boyfriend" she was not supposed to have one night after one of her many mall shows across Middle America, she did it right here under this very Tiffany lamp... 

* Phoenix: sure Patrick Mahomes can throw dots but Tom Brady is the GOAT...

Craig: are you kidding, son? Tom Brady once threw a dart into the Tampa Bay Buccaneers pirate ship on the football field and it had to get tested for covid. covid-spiked-tipped lawn-darts are the new weapon of war at birthday parties in the continued effort to get The Venture Bros back on tv...

Bernie Bros: YEAH!!!

Phoenix: but can he beat Galaga in one lifetime?... 

* Craig: this isn't my shirt, it's the Pizza Hut tablecloth...

* Craig: you think Pac-Man got tired of eating all those dots?

Q Anon: those weren't dots, those were Pac-Man's babies...

* Pac-Man: each dot i ate netted me 100 bucks...

Craig: what 3 toppings you want on your pizza, Pac-Man?

Pac-Man: um, i'm a little full. i've eaten 3 quadrillion dots in my lifetime, the only reason i don't get fat is cos i die everytime...

Mrs. Pac-Man: Pac-Man would like 3 pineapple toppings on his pizza...

* Phoenix: got any quarters?

Craig: this is the display model, it plays automatically by pushing a button.

Phoenix: just ain't the same...

* Phoenix: why you got a pizza under glass?

Craig: Belle rejected me, i wasn't woke enough on racial issues...

* Phoenix: why you got a pizza on your chain?

Craig: truth is i came in SECOND in Pac-Man Worldwide...

* Craig: stupid stupid stupid. what was i thinking? no one outPizzas the Hut.

Kenan Thompson raises his hand...

Craig: sure, rub it in that YOU were chosen for SNL, not ME...

* Axl Rose comes into the pizza establishment to pray. he's wearing an anime shirt and has just come from the first-ever anime con in the 1980s in downtown Sunset Blvd. he closes his eyes and meditates on RFK. he gets taken with the hillsong not teen spirit and starts to whistle, he is in Rapture. as Axl is kicked out of Pizza Hut he disappears into thin air...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

 

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: THREE WORDS: MIGHTY HOT SAUCE from McDonalds...in memory of the Ducks...

PhD PAT: ROME

Pat: i'm going to Dartmouth and i'm gonna study Philosophy.........i'm going for my PhD in Philosophy, which is a double-negative...

Galivant: Dartmouth, that's where they have that skinny-dip in the icy pond for duped freshmen who think that's the only way to get a 4.0...

Pat: yep. i already tried it. the Dartmouth Winter Carnival Frozen Lake. i got two penises after i jumped...

Dirg: you grew an extra cock? i need to wake up. i just threw my bottle in the bin, i need THOSE pills!

Laertus: ah Dartmouth, the only institution of higher learning which blazed the trail to make Native American scholars athletes and artists famous again in this country...

Marge Gunderson, Campus Security: i know icy lakes, folks. this ain't Fargo, this be Thief River Falls. the river and the land were stolen doncha know, we've been paying for the Fall ever since...

Cotard: Candlemas? i don't know that one...

Gladyce: this morning i came across a yellow Splenda packet that was just the paper-thin packet, no sugar. it was sealed but no sugar. what a find! it must be worth millions on Antiques Roadshow so i'm putting it in my small fifth-pocket in my jeans for safekeeping...

Trent Reznor: Marilyn Manson and i sure had DIVERGENT careers and outcomes after collaborating that one time. i thought he was sacred kin, someone who could uniquely understand me. it appears the goth darkness affects different people different ways...

Eye Luggage: tell me about it.

Takahashi: doing some traveling, journaling as i travel. thought that Straw Hat Pizza was a YMCA...

Dirg: the YMCA quells racial tensions...when it's open...

Codrus: *hehe* it's snowing, it's snowing, the old man is snoring...

Michael Weiss in a Vader helmet: what's with all these people on Instagram winning first-places and trophies? what exactly are these contests?...

Michael Weiss in a Vader helmet: i hate people...

Madame Pons: that's your problem, you hate people...

Michael Weiss in a Vader helmet: ...i hate people who have 2 Instagram accounts...too much work to keep track...

Dirg: the name of the tv show on liberal ABC is literally What You Need To Know...

Patrick Rafter: i'm that Australian bloke on The Bold and the Beautiful......i know, i look like Russell Crowe...

Kate DiCamillo: no you may NOT borrow a cup of sugar...

crones: we've been doing some traveling, too, some hardy traveling to get to the hearty traveling, some deep dives. went to Natura Artis Magistra Zoo, smoked some spicy tree, read some Tate Etc music magazine...

Dirg: that music magazine is indie, it tastes like taint...

Doryce: i fell in love with the music of the night, realizing once and for all that all music is black music, i danced with a giraffe at my own wedding...

Kelly Mitchell: my rain dance really brought the rain cos the rain thought i was naked. i am Challen Cates's crone...Stevie Nicks stole my hat...

Doryce: it's the perfect way for me to do Dry January: i do it with dry wine!!!...

Takahashi: looking back at it, it's just weird that one of the biggest albums of all time is called Dookie...

Eye Luggage to crones: go to Wingrave, it's goth...

Madame Pons: i still say oh my goodness, it's cute...

Pons: all my best friends are healers, they're all real-estate agents...

President Biden: i have a normal Twitter...

Eye Luggage: the Jenny Craig commercial, the champagne pops into a messy frothy fountain of foam for a WOMAN, nice...

Jonathan Swan: i got Betsy Woodruff a ROCK!!! i didn't mind her Muppet mouth, we had a cutemeet at the paper...

Betsy Woodruff: i didn't mind his Sam Hyde thing where you never know if he's serious or not...i had a kid with him...

Don Pardo: why did you guys on Season 6 have lockers?

Charles Rocket: cos we were the JV Team...

Armie Hammer: i'm doing some growing to get away from it all. not that, plants and flowers. sky blossoms and the such. planting with my hammer instead of my ho. i'm growing illegally on Obec Forest land but nobody's here now so nobody cares. this morning i woke up to the Love Fern on my plot!!!

Takahashi: SSSS Gridman is Saturday-morning-cartoon Attack on Titan...

Willy from Attack on Titan: i explain through a stageplay. i have a feeling i'll be quite welcome here...

Michael Weiss waving around a flapping GameStop ticket in his mouth: if you're popular on Instagram, you have more buttons to mash, you're Liking your comments more...

Michael Weiss being cradled by Takahashi: Instagram is meant to be a community. nobody gives a fuck what your individual account is, you are merely another account to lend your Like to the greater online revolution...

Colin Jost: i changed my name to Colin Johansson...

Dirg: everytime i wake up i'm scrambling fumbling in the dark in the sheets of my bed searching for my beanie...

Dirg: Rege-Jean Page is the new black Bachelor from the Bachelor!!! bring on the Rose Ceremony!!!...

Joe Piscopo: hey i did my part for gun control two weeks after John Lennon's death. i did that "Gun City" skit on the SNL show...

Putin: why would someone pee in the vaccine?...

Pat: i'm sad cos my beloved Julia Ioffe has taken up with Navalny. they have secret spy sex, she was his first conjugal visit...

Julia Ioffe: i miss my Russian-ice-blue eyes...

Madame Pons: don't break the chain? THAT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!!

Stevie Nicks: tell me about it...

Michael Weiss with Russia-blue eye-ice-contacts on: it's like i go on dates with all my followers, but i never finish...

George Clooney: i'm the greatest thing to come out of Kentucky, not you, Colonel Sanders. i actually married TOO YOUNG the first time...

Madame Pons: my arc this cycle is i'm gonna be dealing with my girls, i head a zoom group of women on campus raped by world leaders. like Navalny, you'd be surprised how much just posting a zoom meeting of this strange sorority of like-minded people scares the fuck out of the powerful. we're spending too much time with our partners this pandemic, we're seeing our differences not our similarities, like the country.

Mardith: i kicked Dirg into the guest house like Steadman, he refused to wear a mask...

Pons: you're Millennial Oprah!!!

Cotard: guest houses, that's basically what our monk cells are...

Martin Yan: i did NOT go to a club on that last episode of Spice Kingdom, those were hints of shadows of dancing girls on the walls, that episode was still rated G...

Cotard: the Tower of Babel's spiral shape is from the film Titanic...

Codrus: it's a double-edged helix sword, the humans are feeling comfortable now, but now all of their Instagrams are boring...

Cotard: if you see an Instagram account with your own profile pic that's not your account, run! that's what i did when i saw you on Instagram, brother...

Codrus: i ain't no stalker! how can God be a stalker?...

Eddie Murphy: bring back the SNL steel-cage-match elevator from Season 6!...

Coke: we even recycle the cap of the plastic bottle! we're the best drink!

Tamron Hall: i know, Da Brat, i'm cute, i'm irresistible...

Takahashi: if eating a burger at 7AM is wrong, i don't want to be right...

Dirg: why did i buy that 1985 Pac-Man tabletop arcade cabinet you may ask? that joystick is my only exercise...

Tyzik: i'm going for my PhD, too. in my thesis i attempt to explain why THIS time when film & tv have reverted back to nostalgic revivals & reboots, it's different from what film & tv have ALWAYS done...

Doryce: Bama you are a DOLL for dropping out of college to become a bagboy just so you can help take my groceries home. *she gives him a big wet sloppy kiss...*

Bama tries to take in all the plastic bags at once in one trip and ends up tearing a hole in his butthole and in the corner of Doryce's box of Dunkin Coffee Cereal...

Yoko: Goblin Market To Maria, the alternate title to The Sound of Music...

Gladyce: i've become one of those little old ladies who stand at the shelf of the grocery store for an hour sniffing a big-ass cylindrical tin of fruit punch...

Doryce: my mask-wearing has cost me dates!!! the hunks at The Store can't see my beautiful face!!!...

Tyzik: can it! or i'll kick your can! it's a very hard thing to place a tv show. where do you put it so it gets the best rating? 

Cecily Strong: Saturday nights and you compete with us.

Takahashi: Sunday nights and you compete with night cartoons and HBO.

Dirg: Friday nights and nobody's home to watch it...

Pons: i got my Jordache at DoorDash...

Mardith: Lost In Translation, its magic extends beyond the boundaries of time...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

David Carradine: *takes a breath* all hail L.A. chicken drivethrus, SNL did a skit THE WEEK OF Colonel Sanders's death...1980 was a very troubling year...

David Cronenberg: STILL NO AWARDS!!! after all this time nothing for me!!! that's it, i'm going straight into dreamcreep...

Eye Luggage: The Rise of Skywalker and go...

Dirg: you mean Starkiller...

Laertus: i was aware and leery of all the negative reviews, i wanted to see for myself. not gonna lie the first hour or so was quite...disturbing...i thought this thing would be a long snoozer...but it picks up by the end and lands on a nice moon...

Eye: Carrie Fisher tho, it's doubly-heartbreaking to see her like that. on a cold slab in the story and in real life. they had to use her CGI young face for that blast-from-the-past lasering sequence with her brother, that was...awkward...the AOT CGI is better...

AOC: ...

Dirg: it would have been better if Rey had bigger tits...

Mark Hamill: cut scene from this film:

Luke Skywalker: DoorDash sucks. do you want salt on your broccoli?

Rey: give all the salt to Kylo...

Rey: this is good meat! delicious! what is it?

Luke: Chewbacca. remember? you killed him. the Chewbacca Lady is no longer welcome at any Disney grounds...

Luke: i'll be back.........no, i'm never coming back...

Daisy Ridley: i found out i was a Palpatine the same day Emilia Clarke found out she was gonna die...

Daisy: i want the next arc of three films to be about Dark Rey, Dark Rey is obviously hotter than me...

John Boyega: i quit Hollywood, was never in the club. i'm a fulltime activist now, i realize my last name is perfect for the work i do...

Oscar Isaac: just filling in for Han Solo. why did they kill off Harrison Ford anyway? that's like killing off George Clooney!!!

C-3PO: i'm fine from the fall even tho you didn't call out for me, you didn't call my name, that was the funniest line in the film...

Keri Russell: i'm a CIA spy...

Dirg: with a nice butt...

Chewbacca: i'd rather be playing basketball...

Kelly Marie Tran: ...

Ian McDiarmid: Snoke could have been WAY more interesting...

Lando Calrissian: they took away my Millennium Falcon license for drinking. i can only drink Colt now with Jim Irsay...

Laertus: Wayfinder? really? that's so on-the-nose. call it a Triforce or something...

Eye: Laertus, you have a Star Wars name!

Eye: not gon lie, my heart stopped when i thought Chewbacca had been Challengered out of the sky and was dead...

Mardith: i wanted more from that festival of dancing out in the middle of the desert. see? if we save the elephants NOW they will become this beautiful colorful race of people LATER...

JJ: i mean you have to give it up to me, there's been a lightsaber, there's been a blaster gun, but there's never been a knife in Star Wars...

JJ: the hobbit and the fat guy are in my movie cos i'm itching to do the Lost revival already...

C-3PO: i can never interpret Sith language. that's like the thing where nobody knows the parts necessary to reengineer an ipad to do the bidding of President Bump...except Jeff Bezos, new head of Apple...

Dirg: THE GINGER WAS THE MOLE!!! EVERYONE KNEW THAT!!! 

Laertus: the huckster. next time don't go to your superior officer walking with a cane, it's too obvious...

Rubikon: and suddenly this becomes Master and Commander with the 20-foot George Clooney waves, this would have made The Old Man and the Sea exciting...

Rey: sorry, Kylo, i killed you. but i didn't mean it. here, like it never happened...

Dirg: womens are always healers...

Kylo: sorry, Rey, about that time i yanked off your necklace. that was foreplay...

Han Solo: you will always be my boi, Kylo.

Kylo: i don't know how to be good. with this face i'm gonna get beat up a lot...

Kylo throws the lightsaber in the ocean, Don-Knotts-fish recovers it...

Rey: oh BB-8! named after Basketball. i see you have a new friend. hey that's my nightlight!!!

Dirg: you mean your lampshade...

Finn: i have something to tell you...

Rey: let's cut the tension right here and now, cut right to the chase and just tell me...

Finn: okay.........we're related so we can't fuck...

Rey: but you don't like black girls, right? you like me...

Finn: um.........well, yeah...

Rey: grab my neck...

Eye Luggage, Madame Pons, and Mardith: and now the only scene that matters:

Rey: i kissed you, Kylo, but it wasn't sexual.

Kylo: not gonna lie it was kinda weird. we're not related but it seems like we're related...

Rey: it would have been better if i sacrificed myself and died to save you, would have made your redemption more tragic.

Kylo: yeah but it's cool, i've lived a full life...wait what's happening to me?...nobody dies by disappearing into thin air!...Romeo and Juliet had the best sex AFTER they died...so let's fuck.

Rey: grab my neck...

Rey on Tatooine farm: hello? old woman who are you? you're Luke's aunt aren't you! you never died! the dissertation of this film is: NO ONE REALLY EVER DIES.

old woman: i'm Joe Rogan's mother...

Rey: my name is.........Rey Rey...

Family Guy: we are NOT doing Family Guy episodes with the Rey episodes...

Meg Griffin: typical...

Dirg: LONG-ASS END-CREDITS. g'night, folks...

Chewbacca picks Dirg up by the scruff, tosses him in the air, and kicks him into space...

Tom Brady: ...AND ANOTHER THING!!! thanks pal i'll take it from here. i am a member of the Bed Bucs!!! cos we get to sleep in our own beds for the Super Bowl!!! nanny nanny foo foo! i'm gonna play the game in my pyjamas!

The Weeknd: this weekend...

Courtside Karen: i'm sorry.........that i didn't wear a mask i'm not sorry for kicking LeBron's ass...

Rachel Maddow: i like fishing...but i LURVE football...

John Lennon in the studio: we discovered the first Twitter. a bird was causing havoc with our recording. the bird nestled in Phil Spector's hair...

Dirg: at least you didn't see what Phil Spector became, John...

John Lennon: why you bugging me? bugging my phone? 

J Edgar Hoover: i want those bags you have, i can wear women's dresses in the workplace by wearing those bags and no one will suspect, they'll think i'm examining evidence...

John: PCT? 

Joe Piscopo on radio: not PCP, i know you're a drug aficionado...

John: percent is %. if i wanted to be a weatherman i wouldn't wear these glasses, they protect me from the rain...

Sean Lennon: i did my first album on a whim and it was a masterpiece. imagine if i wanted to be a rock star, huh? but i want to be a painter...

Yoko: the most humiliating thing i've ever had to do in my career is audition for the B-52's...

Laertus, Pons, Mardith, and Eye: we can't look at those '70s reels of a barechested John Lennon with long hair in a ponytail in the apartment pool teaching baby Sean to swim anymore, it's breaking our stopped hearts...

Yoko: why kill an artist?

everyone in both studios and the entire University grounds share a moment of silence...

John Lennon: don't worry, it's okay, now that i'm dead i can show Pat around New York City, get him situated, i know the place like the back of my hand i use to create magic, i held the guitar, not the mic. Dartmouth is all-women but i won't peek. i have a PhD, too, you know. not in musicology, it's called trillions and trillions of Beatles albums... 

 

TMIT: CHOCOLATE TOMATO

 

1. would you rather go on holiday to the beach with no bathers or in the mountains with no jacket?

i'm a monk, we're hardy folk, we're made of insane stock, i mean who wants to willingly go to prison? my place is up on a hill and i LOVE the cold so i've never purchased a jacket in my life. i walk around naked and have an excuse for when my penis disappears. 

 the one time i went to the Playboy Grotto nobody was there...talk about buzzkill...

2. would you rather not be able to eat chocolate for a year or have to eat your least favorite vegetable everyday for a month?

the thing with chocolate is one bar a day is just right, two and you start to get sick. i asked my doctor why this was the case and he said humans were never meant to eat almonds...

what's my least favorite vegetable? hmmm. brussels sprouts? nah, too easy. broccoli? but broccoli is YUMMY slathered in hot queso blanco! i dip it right there at Chipotle and get free chips cos everyone in the restaurant claps for me. i dance that is...

3. would you rather only be able to have sex for five-minute increments on any given day or only be able to have sex for five-hour increments the rest of your life?

i'd do ANYTHING to have Dustin Diamond back!!! i am so despondent right now. if it means doing a sex tape with Dustin i will do it. even a five-minute tape...

you know why it's Any Given Sunday? cos football players only have sex on Sundays...

Screech taught me EVERYTHING about life. when asked his philosophy Screech put down his fro comb and smiled subtlely. he took a drink from the fountain and said:

the sauce you can have but the secret she's mine

so i pour one out today in honor of Screech, a bottle of Frank's RedHot, i put that shit on everything, Dustin would have laughed at that...

4. would you rather not be allowed to touch your partner's genitals except with your own or have the reverse applied to them?

i asked Albert Einstein this very question on my podcast:

me: so...?

Einstein: genitals? that's not the muscle in me that's big. do you know the secret to having a sharp memory well into your 100s? only I know this secret! I discovered it!!!

me: mind sharing?...

Einstein: no i will not share till you start working out with me. not at the gym in my garden! explain how time can flow in reverse and use that arcane knowledge to grow flowers. go.

me: after a year all i grew were cucumbers...

5. would you rather go on a hike barefooted or spend the day at a waterpark fully clothed?

i don't hike in the hills, i stay indoors in the hills. the last time i hiked i ended up in the backstage of the Forest Theatre and they conscripted me to be a Shakespearean stage actor, that's how it all started for me, how my unexpected career began...

i remember in the '80s i was TERRIFIED of going to Raging Waters in San Dimas. cos i was a skinny shy terrified child who hid inside a beach towel. i missed out on so many thrilling water slides! when i became an adult we took a church field trip to Raging Waters and my priest on the bus kept nudging my stomach dying to tell me his story: 

priest: i met my wife at Raging Waters. when i saw her in that fucking red bikini my jaw dropped. i dropped my churro. i dropped my churro and my churro became all wet...

BONUS: would you rather receive an alert every time your parents have sex or have your kids alerted everytime YOU have sex?

i just want my parents back. 

every day after school i knew i would be safe, i knew comfort was on its way, when i saw that plate of chocolate spaghetti waiting for me on the counter...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

DR. RICK NEEDS TO HELP DR. DREW

 

notes:

* not the football player, the actor who is so natural he's gonna be big soon, he's gonna play Glass Joe in the Mike Tyson's Punch Out movie...

* if you printed out the directions to get here, you're in the right place...

* Live Laugh Love? no, everyone knows that, what every home needs is an oil painting of Julia Roberts...

* Lucille Ball: i laughed and tried to love...

* Richard Jeni: i laughed and tried to live...

* Larry King: i loved to keep from laughing...

* Jerry Seinfeld: Larry, i was serious that time...

* Larry King: btw, my next guest would have been Bill Maher...

* it's gonna be weird seeing Call Me By Your Name now. there are two camps now, two camps never the twain shall meet: you either saw it BEFORE and got THAT experience, or you see it NOW and it's just weird now...like the peach scene takes on a whole new meaning...

* quinoa: when do I appear in the Cosby Show reboot!!!?...

* Keanu Reeves: you'll NEVER be me, kid.

Joaquin Phoenix: i was heading there but an Oscar filler laced my quinoa with chicken fat out of spite. there's no rehab for that.

Keanu: i would be the better Batman.

Joaquin: no I would be the better Batman AND YOU KNOW IT

* i make MAJOR noises when i sit in a chair, when i sit on a couch, when i sit in my bed, when i fart on the toilet. i haven't old-man-drunk water with the sighing yet but when a millennial dental assistant called me getting-on-in-years at my last dentist visit, all i could do was sigh...

* Dr. Rick: you hear that?

man sighing as he sits down:  no.

Dr. Rick: tumor. be glad i caught it.

healer: it's your bones crying out for calcium and freedom. your bones have much wisdom if you'll only hear them. time for your Spirit Walk.

man: i can't take a walk anymore in this world...

* Darth Vader Frankenstein-sits-down on the chair...

* Dr. Rick: exercise machines, not S&M...1920s exercise machines...

* Dr. Rick: we're gonna open a PDF.

group: what's that?

Dr. Rick: another name for porn, Pussy Dick Fuck.

group sighs

Dr. Rick: my porn-addiction seminar was canceled...they said due to covid but...

* sweet woman named Karen: no fussin no cussin no...

Oscar the grouch: hi.

Karen: i was gonna say mussin. i achieved this hair without mousse...

* Dr. Rick: dad jokes are bad jokes...unless you're Dick Christie then you're a rad dad...not a porn-star name...

* Daisy Ridley: i cried when Star Wars wrapped. what am i gonna do with myself now? there's nothing bigger than Star Wars. i'm still a young girl! luckily my tears provided the necessary water to revive the Amazon Forest. what is Rey Skywalker doing now? running around the forests of the Forest Moon of Endor training. wondering where the fuck Ben is. i mean who the sith shit am i gonna marry? Finn is with Lando's daughter, Poe actually changed colleges to chase a girl...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: no time for fast food! SNL starts back up! i need a drivethru in my backyard...

 

PROPER PAT: ESALEN IS FOR EVERYONE

Galivant: Pat, your voice is well-suited to this journey...

President Biden: come on, man, it's gonna be 4 years of boring, it's up to YOU to entertain yourself...

Jim Carrey: orange cheese smells good...

Mardith: why did the celebrity babes all have dreams of Paris last night?...

Dirg: i mean how do you expect me to compete? how will i get the white women against the likes of Rege-Jean Page?

Ellen Page: no comment...

Galivant: you see now, right? you see how it has to end. it will end with the most glorious picture of the two of us in glorious vivid black-and-white posted on your Instagram, your last Instagram post. ever. it will be me on the balcony as i wrap my fist in jeanjacket over your shoulder as we pretend-roughhouse, both of us with goofy grins, you trying to avoid my hugs as always. we both wear shades and sunglasses to hide our true emotions from the Instagram public, only we two know how we feel. and feel about each other, our intentions. it will leave our Instagram public wanting, worried, wondering where we went to, what our last goals are, what our ultimate glorious destination is. it will quell all suitors. they will be left asking, as the answer will never come. it will remain a mystery, a single photo that must hold not a thousand words but the REST of the words...

Pat: but where are we going?

Galivant: that's up to you. but once you decide, you can never go back. i'll be there with you forever. at first that may sound comforting, but it might not in 5 years...

Pat: i vacillate. i vacillate more than i vaccinate. i'm always thinking i'm better off in this location or that, a retreat or a reverie, orgy or oratory, soaring or a speedball, fuck or flight, the mausoleum or the monastery... 

Galivant: the problem with you is you make PERMANENT plans for yourself, for life, you'll stay at this place FOREVER, THAT will be your life forever, you won't have to choose anymore, make a hard decision again, that's not how life works...

Aaron Rodgers: your future is a beautiful mystery...

Pat: it's never been beautiful for me, it's always been the scary unknown, the NIGHTMARISH!!!...

Dirg: Hank Aaron had two first names...

Denny Dillon: why the fuck didn't I play Mama on Mama's Family!!!...would have REALLY helped me out...

Denny's: short for Denise...

Inside Edition: we are crying. we are crying over here, our ratings will plummet over a Rodgers cliff. nobody will EVER watch our little show again...

Madame Pons looking at cards: i can't wait for the universe, i'm old!!!...

President Biden: masks, planes, trains, automobiles...

Nic Cage: Kraft process......not orange cheese...

Tyzik: i had to use a Standard Hotels...you have to stay there upside-down, the bed is nailed to the ceiling, it's not as sexy as you think...

Pat: my fingers are covered with the blood of frambuesa jam...

Nic Kidman: not me, just kidding...

Ellen Burstyn: i did SNL that Season 6 cos i wanted to have fun, my whole career was serious roles...but i played a crazy old sole woman on SNL, not the fun kind...

Gail Matthius: i had already perfected the Valley-girl accent and it was only 1980. 1980!!!...

Codrus: your spouse, it's just an unknown name, one paltry line hidden below your box on your wikipedia page...

Ice-T: you know what's harder than fixing your car's computer?.........coming up with FIRST AND LAST names for ALL the guest stars on EVERY damn episode of SVU!!! SVU's done 17765 episodes!!!...

Michael Gross wearing Steven Keaton plaid: the Department of Justice is fine, don't worry, it's okay...

Charles Rocket: i feel so bad. 2 weeks before the shooting i did a skit on Weekend Update making fun of John + Yoko's domesticity as anathema to all tenets of rock n roll...who knew?...we all thought John Lennon WOULD be the happy-homemaker husband living in a cave in Central Park, NY forever...

Malcolm McDowell: i was NOT born to play John Lennon...

Laertus: LENNONYC, brilliant doc, until it hits you without warning like a ton, one of those interviewed is Geraldo...

John Lennon: i was on my knees for Yoko's forgiveness when i cheated on her with that blonde from San Francisco. begged on the Barrows. there is documentary evidence of this, photographs of me bowing to her on New York City cobblestone with the Woody Allen Bridge in back. and Yoko looking bemused and uncertain.

Dirg: no man should be supine...

John Lennon: no excuse but i was under a lot of stress, Nixon had just won despite EVERYTHING we did, all those damn concerts and protests added up to JACK SQUAT!!! had to let off a little steam...

Yoko: i wasn't mad, John, i knew you were a rock star not a man. there are no rock marriages...unless you have many bags. honestly i just needed a break form you, a breather, you were suffocating me with your accent. i needed to do MY creativities. so i went to my sister's...whom you eventually married...

John: your assistant? ah, yes, you two are like sisters. sistahs. i just wanted some RAW FISH!!! fish was better before Brexit, you know. it was so great to stroll into a KFC with no one recognizing me and a strange white whitehaired man in a white suit told me he had no idea what the fuck sashimi was. 

Yoko: looking back it was INSANE you had no bodyguards. you were a FUCKING BEATLE and here you were you can't just call a cab and stroll into a Popeyes Chipotle or Macy's!!!

John: by your leave, madam. hash like Takahashi...

Rubikon: woman is a nigger, people were less uptight in those days, could talk to the other side without immediately getting shut down, the early gritty SNL days... 

John: i mean how do you give a bad review in Rolling Stone to a fucking protest song!!?...

Cotard: sorry.

Codrus: *broken-teeth smile* the wind isn't alive, brother, you can't succor it to salve your loneliness, hehehe

Madame Pons: i loved setting up the humidifier for my little sister when she was a baby in a crib. now i want a humidifier for my room as an ADULT......especially since the LUSH saunas aren't open still!!!...

Biden: i got a chin like Lincoln's chin...

Gilbert Gottfried: more student films on SNL!!!...

Joe Piscopo: i had a rad deep booming announcer's voice...

Rose Hall: hello, i usually don't have this sweet of a lilting voice. i am where Steven Universe's mom's funeral was held...

Dirg: no one says "catching some Zs" in conversation...

Gladyce: The Store is under new management like the Presidency...

Doryce: Advil Gel is the new Juicy Drop sour gel...

Denny Dillon: i showed that James Woods how to REALLY crack the whip. with my S&M weatherwoman cabana-boy-mounted-like-a-hunting-trophy-on-the-weathermap skit. it's God's will, sweetheart, what do you want from me?

Frank Caliendo: i was MADtv's Chris Farley...

Emily Ford: this ain't a movie. i became more than my societal limits said on the sign. i became a fox. not a snow fox. not in a pack...

crones: say hi to the Old Country for us when your trek hits snow, dear...

Codrus: there was a PRIEST in the Capitol riot!!!? that is HILARIOUS...

Ted Danson: why wasn't i a dramatic actor in films? a Marlon Brando type...

Takahashi: my rabbit hole is obscure tv...

Charles Rocket: i was Eric Andre before Eric Andre...

Curtis Armstrong: Risky Business was on PBS.........i kid you not...

Michael Weiss in mittens: am i a business opportunity or am i a friend?...

Ellis Haizlip: i created real tv...

Rubikon: and i'd like to take this opportunity to thank. sir you broadcast the Revolution's First Resistance. you slipped on many a hazy cobblestone in the process as you did all this stuff for the first time fumbling in the dark and we appreciate you being a pillar...

Tyzik: Soul of the Dragon? there are WAY too many DC Movies out there but this is one i may partake. it's got bellbottoms, it's got Batman in a fro, it's got flavor...

Stanley Tucci: i will never be Bourdain. all i can do is try...

Pete Davidson: i'll help...

Stephen A: what did you do during your long-ass quarantine in your hotel room to prepare for the Australian Open, Roger? bounce the ball against the four walls. of your crazy head?...

Federer: ate all that great hotel cheese, i can't eat anymore...

Roger's wife Mirka: he hasn't used the toilet since he last played Nadal...

Denny Dillon: i was on Dream On...

Dirg: THAT's where i recognize you from! i was seeing you and saying what's-her-butt...

Laertus: Brian Benben's latchkey kid raised on television was our preview to how ALL kids now are raised on internet...

Eye Luggage: i love the irony of Brian Benben's character being a book editor...

Dirg: benben, i just love saying that. Martin brings tupperware to parties, that's why he got divorced...

Pat: like me...

Tamlin Wightman joins the Smashing Pumpkins as their new lady bassist but quickly takes Billy's spot...

Dirg: *head in hands* there better be a time when i look at my enemy angrily for the nth time and finally feel some empathy for him or i'm cooked...

Gladyce: we got the thin toilet-paper for the Treehouse not the outhouse because although it wouldn't be soft on our bums it would be soft on our water pipes...

Laertus: i was still technically enrolled at Berkeley, but i spent that last semester in my room watching films...

Takahashi: for my friend, my true friend, i buy you this Inscripton car, for the screenwriter...

Laertus smiles. Dirg growls.

Codrus: wait. all humans are one big human family, right? so ALL sex is incest...

Dirg: i got court-mandated writing...

Mardith: there is something to putting your dreams on Instagram, posting your potential, spelling out your spells, gilding your goals, when you actually see it in physical form on that screen, it hits different...

Doryce: i'm going to Hatton Garden! just to inspect, i won't touch anything. just to smell the roses...

Gladyce: Bama needs to get you a rock FAST...

Rubikon: adult swim has really been the battleground for the Culture Wars these past 4 years. cos there's no other tract of land...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Wesley Snipes: Noxzema, my name took our power back, it was reverse blackface. we put the white cream on OUR faces to take THEIR power.

Dirg: drag-queen nudes, not what i was expecting...

Eye Luggage: Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice and go...did i get that right?...

Laertus: most ampersands?...

Dirg: let's get this out of the way now...i'm conducting this podcast interview...what do you want to ask you father, dear?...

Natasha Gregson Wagner: did you kill mom?...

Robert Wagner: yes. shit! i thought you were Stefanie Powers! i tell my partner everything!!!...

Dirg: a place like Esalen literally scares me. but i'd do it for the ass, the Assalen...

Eye: with its essentialness. i do like the woman butts on full glorious display and view at the top of the film...the bottom as it were...bunch of naked people without a care in the world strolling an Olympus hill in the mountains of Big Sur, overlooking Obec, overlooking the Pineapple Express cliffs of angry waves, angry that they can't partake of this orgy, discussing Plato by a mound of grey stones for a real fire not a Glowforge. two buxom bare beauties in gold Cleopatra noseguard Roman helmets keeping watch and guard over this sacred facility of light. this is my Heaven...

Dirg: only if they're hot. 

Takahashi: LOVE the car Natalie Wood and Robert Culp drive up in! why can't we just make roadsters from now on! open-air to catch the wind on your tongue, turn your neckerchief into a sail like Speed Racer climbing up hills! you can make electric roadsters...

Dirg: neckerchiefs had no connotation back then...

Laertus: it took me awhile but i finally figured out who the hunky guru at the Esalen session is: the husband from Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman!!!...

Mary Hartman: i almost single-handedly destroyed SNL for good...i later went on to host Entertainment Tonight...

Dirg: the last decade of truly-free sex. guilty-free sex. had to finally inject morality into America with disease, that was all God's work. no wonder this depicts an orgy, this is a film from 1969...

Dirg: what i don't get is what happens AFTER the Enlightenment. the couples go home after intense opening-up therapy and what happens with this guru after the retreat? does he retreat into his shell?

Laertus: i do like the choice this film makes to be a comedy rather than dead serious. otherwise it would come off as preachy and the artsy-fartsy liberal blue conservatives love to hate and always point out in media. 

Robert Culp: i'm not culpable. hey man don't be hostile, don't blame me, i had no idea. Bill Cosby was a great spy, too great as we now know...

Dyan Cannon: ...

Dirg: tits like cannons...

Dyan: i tried to help Cary Grant...

Cary Grant: *noir voice* sorry, sweetheart, not even a sexy woman such as you could have saved me. unless you were pushing psychedelics at the time...for therapy you know...

Dyan: sorry, dear, in 1969 i was busy making a film...

Elliott Gould: i was the one who said the Season 6 1980-81 season of SNL would last forever...

E.T.: well, E.G., now you get to feel the pain of promises broken to a boy in the woods...

Daly: on the daily, you get reminded that he's not around every day...

Leif Garrett: i was so happy back then as a kid...i had a pool and a barbecue all to myself...i didn't have the white picket i had the white house!...if only i didn't fucking grow up...

Dirg: YEAH TELL ME EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL! NO HIDING! tell me i have hippie hair so i can look back later in my life when i go bald. tell Pasqually the pizza was a little dry...

Dirg: their kid is annoying as fuck...give him the teddy bear and get him out of this steamy picture already!...

Robert Culp: did that teddy bear just talk? i swear i heard the bear talk...

Dirg: ah, hunky men in briefs, this was also the last decade that was considered handsome...

Dirg: what? this would NOT happen in real life. she would be HOSTILE let me tell ya! i know firsthand these things! 

Laertus: not a dumb blonde. went to Berkeley, case closed!

Eye: she's comparing the tart to her little sister, the female empowerment is starting to seep in and emerge, good girl. can something truly be just physical, you need the mind to ejaculate. hmmm, maybe total honesty is not what's needed in a strong relationship...

Dirg: blame society for not wanting brutality in honesty. tough truth. relationship recipes, i must learn at least those, i have no family. rather disturbing how Natalie spills the beans on the cheating with that blank stare like a Peloton Housewife...

Takahashi: okay i love the L.A. night scenery on the way home, the drive-thrus lit up in neon, Safeway The Store before The Store! and the Burger Joint! that somehow serves tacos!!!...

Dirg: okay what is the DEAL with that scene with Elliott Gould and Dyan Cannon about the other couple's affair? that thing went on FOREVER!!! i mean is this scene an hour or what!!!?...

cat familiars: cats don't need to be walked, no handwringing and second-guessing...

Elliott Gould: i need to exercise in here, quarantine. how do you expect me to train for the Olympics if i don't take a walk!...

Dirg: no way that shrink says vagina in his own home...

Eye: i call my own cunt teetee...

Laertus: all of Paul Mazursky's films have that signature psychiatrist one-on-one scene, even this his first film.

Robert Culp: you've got the guilt anyway, don't waste it. don't waste a condom...

Robert Culp: hey honey, lose the blouse, i want to sell this thing! why is it that when there's a camera in a man's hand it automatically becomes pervy?...

Dirg: and suddenly this becomes Austin Powers and bubble booths! dancing in large champagne flutes, Comic-Con take notes!!!...

Roger Federer: i was the tennis instructor in this film. i need to make funds now that i retired. so i stalk around Beverly Hills seeing if any lonely housewives need a lesson. it was so funny when Robert Culp didn't kill me. btw my favorite drink is lemonade, especially in the bedroom...

Eye: that was the one scene missing from this glorious film. i really needed to see a scene on the tennis court with the foursome playing couples doubles in their cute tennis outfits...

Roger: i got am Italian luxury sports car. there are no luxury sports cars from Spain...

James Holzhauer: my dad told me stories about this Vegas. candy colors and you could actually bet your life savings and no one would care...

Dirg: the iconic bed scene...

Mardith: Dirg if we ever get married we are NOT wifeswapping. i wouldn't do that to Laertus and Eye. those two are my friends, they are a nice couple!

Dirg: WEDDING'S OFF!!!

Dirg: i mean this whole movie is a LIE!!! they don't ACTUALLY wife-swap, have sex with their best friend's wife, actually FUCK! why the hell not? there's a look into the camera breaking the fourth wall, and......STOP! they were SO close to forming the first polycule! if you're gonna ruin the illusion of the movie by looking into the camera the least you can do is give a wink to the camera and GO THROUGH WITH THE THING!!! G'NIGHT, FOLKS!!!

Laertus: hey Eye, when they're staring at each others' faces in the parking lot like that to mirror the beginning with the nonverbal communication, what did it remind you of? for me it's my dad at UCLA drama camp in the summer, they did those acting exercises every morning before brekkie, built trust...

Eye: mirror the begin. when i see this end scene there's a little song that plays in the back of my head:

i'd like to teach the world to sing...

Regis: how are you feeling, my friend? are you comfortable?

Larry King: i feel ice cold...

Pat: i've made my decision. i want to complete my A levels. or F levels as it were, i get bad grades...

Galivant: that will not do! you have to get a job! you have to learn enough to earn enough! to feed me and the kids!

Pat: wait we're having children?

Galivant: you have no idea. 

Pat: okay okay i'll go to Dartmouth to complete my PhD.

Dirg: lesbians shoot darts in their mouths...

Pat: i'll make money on the side with odd jobs. to get a playpen with a swing. i'll be a pro tennis player part-time. i'll be a fulltime pro speedboater on a speedball. my life will always be on skis...

the couple sail away from the harbor of Water on a small fishing ferry boat holding onto the other's Chipotle cloud-leather jacket...

Pat: i'll form a band on the side, we'll practice in a bodega, i'll start smoking simply to quit to gain the knowledge enough to write the lyrics to "Cold Turkey"...

Galivant: where we're going, there is no thanksgiving...

President Biden: the only Holocaust survivor to serve in Congress, he was my best friend...he was a light...he went to Berkeley...

Galivant: what will your PhD be in?

Pat: everything.