TMIT: EVERYBODY SHOULD BE DOING IT

 

what is considered moral or immoral, accepted or prohibited is generally defined by the  norms, values, and beliefs of society

but i'm a monk who lives in a society of anarchy so where do i fit in?...

1. agree or disagree: if people want to have more than one spouse they should be allowed to do that

as long as all parties are cool with it and there's no hidden abuse. i've spent my entire life looking for the one. my grandmother keeps harping on me to find her, she regales me with stories of her scandalous torrid affairs with the town mayors in her little sleepy Spanish village during the Flu.  

grandma: nino, find the one before i die. i've seen it in my cards: the day you find the one, you'll find the TWO!!!

2. do you believe in ethical non-monogamy? 

yes, as long as you say please and thank you. well that's more polite non-monogamy...

3. is polyamory something you want? 

yes. but it only counts as a commitment ceremony if you're fucking her in her grandmother's garage with that Breaking Benjamin song playing in the background...

4. do you wish that your ethical non-monogamy was a societal/cultural norm?

yes of course! what's taking so long! i've been saying this for decades, can't we just get religion out of the way once and for all? can't we experience Free Love not from a shaggy LP record? live in utopia and drink Utopia treated water? humans are WAY behind schedule. it's high time to live the Star Trek: The Next Generation life where there's a universe filled with worlds of beings of all colors, shapes, sizes, and snots who believe all sorts of fucking crazy stuff and none of it is scoffed at cos it ALL is EVERYTHING AND NOTHING. if you want to shag a space alien you don't need the permission of her father on the Galaxy Guild Council, you just need not to sniff the pollen of the forbidden flower. watermelon sugar is fine. i tell all of this to my priest in the confessional booth and he shakes his head at me. then my priest tells me when they changed the Starfleet uniforms to the overhead tunic instead of the sweater with the zipper it was harder for him to undress Picard with his eyes...

5. if you are in or have been in an open sexual relationship, what are the best bits?

i ain't gonna lie, it isn't easy. in fact it's hard most times. but you always have to go back to freedom. the freedom aspect of it. the world needs more love, wherever it's found, however it's conjured. i try not to think about it when she's with another man...even if it's her husband. the good times come when she visits by dropping into my chimney. we talk for hours and open all the doors so the neighbors can hear our intellectual discourses and conversations. she teaches me how to be a swinger and i take notes. then i ask her if she can stay for dinner and help me build a swing for the gazebo in my backyard but she says she's busy... 

BONUS: describe what your ideal intimate and/or sexual relationship would look like today:

friends with benefits, so no one gets hurt. and then after a decade of being friends i pop the question, for after all you should always marry your best friend. she doesn't even need to get divorced, it's brilliant! we'll all just do poly! did i mention her husband is my best friend?... 

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

 

WHAT CAN PELOTON DO FOR YOU!!!

notes:

* Rick Moranis: i mean think aboot it from my angle. i was quite happy and content being anonymously retired for ALL these motherfucking years...but it's you so i decide what the heck maybe it's time to dip back into the waters. not full-on Hollywood, just a spot to ease into it. the greenery is nice, like a light salad, reminds me of the Gentle Giant peas i eat with my wife. the herb growing naturally in cement by the road takes me back to Portlandia. and then like ONE motherfucking week later after this commercial when i'm back in the spotlight and i get coldcocked like a blind bitch on the New York streets. i mean WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with 2020? 

Ryan Reynolds: i am so SO sowry. i really am. i'm saying sorry the Canadian way...and as a Canadian i will be as Canadian as possible and be the first to blame only myself and ask for your heartfelt apology and do whatever i can to make things right but better. let's bring things and the temperature down to an urgently soft level again.

* George Clooney: i flowbee'd my cancer away!!!!!!!!!!

* Avan Jogia: Dan Schneider made me an alcoholic......cos he didn't write any scripts for me, i had no storyline the whole run! i coulda played Victoria Justice NOW when she realizes she was never meant to be the star, Grande was. there's a lot of fertile ground there, a pile of psychological meat to pick at and psyche-sear on the grill of the voiced mind for a good dark monologue...

* okay first of all, this man is a GREAT actor! so natural, no seams!!! Workaholics, huh. yeah i heard of that show, but never watched it. Comedy Central and i had a falling-out oh like a decade or two ago, just stopped watching the channel. last show i saw on there was that cartoon about monster Americans trying to get their citizenship in New York. and H. Jon Benjamin in a white van...

* hey don't bring the '90s into your problems, it's not the '90s's fault

* sponsored by McDonald's Transformers toys. the Decepticon toys make the meal a little more expensive than before, blame the Christian groups

* "Cantaloop"! play "Cantaloop"!

* the music in your head...

* remember how we used to rap by blowing our cheek flaps like beefaroni 

* spoilers: his twin never got fat...

* Brittany Murphy: don't ever tell me again mold is just something that occurs naturally in nature...

* bury your emotions...write an alt rock Smashing Pumpkins song about it...

* those high-school reunions never go as planned. your crush that you now have the life experience and maturity to be able to handle fucking her under the bleachers? yeah, she didn't come...

...she's not there cos she was killed saving the bonobos from poachers in Africa...never have i felt so self-absorbed...never worked out again after that...

* his heart's in a wooden box like Snow White...

* BACK WHEN HAPPY MEALS WERE AFFORDABLE!!!

* it's the Masshole syndrome---you think you're better than me?---gets countless killed...

* like a NASCAR race gone bad...

* the pinball reference, adult-swim watchers now didn't get any of that...

* Will Smith didn't get back to you with the copyrights, he's busy picking up the pieces of his shattered life with his Aunt Viv...

* Joe Perry's head ain't right...

Joe Pera: working on Season 3...

* nah it wasn't weird, his daughter was stripping and everything but Steven Tyler never had a scene WITH Liv in the entire video...

* wow y'know this brings up an interesting concept: for twins, when they look in a mirror, do they see THEMSELVES or their TWIN?...

* this actor is so clean and professional after all that there's not a drop of sweat on him

 CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: okay see i've never had Green Burrito. but it's tough to find a Green Burrito that's NOT attached to a Carl's Jr or Hardee's. i want to try their...well green burrito dish, right? i mean that's the whole point...also two of their tacos...comparing it to the Taco Bell tacos...and the Jack In The Box tacos cos there are Jack In The Box tacos for some reason...

 

PROPER PAT: THRUM TUNA

the Orchid Girls and Femestella have a street war...

Natalie Palamides flies not horse-rides onto the Dexter set:

Natalie: not for surveillance, to make that lumberjack ending better...

...but Doryce calms down tensions as only she can...

Doryce: ladies ladies, why fight amongst yourselves? that's what the men want! to destroy our kind from the inside! we have too much power within for that! here, i don't serve the bacon two strips, i combine them, melt them, meld them with my spellfinger into a bacon crown...

she gives one crown to both sides...that holds them over for now...

Cotard's black woman friend: without wikipedia the world would cease to exist...

Mardith: i don't know what i'm doing, my career is not taking off...

Madame Pons: you need an agent, dear, you can't conquer Hollywood alone...

Cotard: you know how frustrating it is when you're starving of thirst and you want to drink the sparkling apple cider SO BADLY but you can't find the god-damn bottle opener anywhere!!?

Cecily Strong: i can actually celebrate Christmas this year for the first time in four years!!!...

Codrus: Chloe Fineman is fine! she's hot as fuck and talented as fuck!...

Dirg: suddenly every 12-year-old boy wants to do his version of Weekend Update on youtube...

Michael Weiss carrying a miniature Geoffrey the Giraffe plush on his shoulder: is there ANYBODY on Instagram who's real? or are they all bots?...

Gladyce: Doryce dear, after Mardith showers, don't pick up all the long loose strand hairs that squiggle and wiggle in all the tile cracks with endless tissues! that just wastes tissue! pick them up with your hand...

Gladyce: dear get out of the bathroom and into my kitchen!

Doryce: how manly of you! i thought you'd never ask. want me in the nude dripping or dry?...

Gladyce: help me here, dear. i microwaved the butter so long it disappeared into the bowl!!!...

Laurel Mellin constructs the first cyberbrain...

Teuila: the reason we brought back Venjix is obvious. he was the villain of RPM, the greatest Rangers show there will ever be...

Dirg: look, i'll give you one thing: Scrozzle is a GREAT character...

Teuila: what was Milo Cawthorne's reaction to this episode?

Dr. K: he said he enjoyed my performance, but i know he's lying...

Dr. Vacc: can i have your autograph, Dr. K? i'm stuck in queue at the airport in the UK... 

Takahashi: the McDonald's UK Christmas commercials are WAY BETTER than the John Lewis ones...

Wolf: what did you find up there?

SpaceX: in space? The Astronauts...that Nickelodeon show...

Dirg: Malu Micher, the woman Mexican mousey politician who went topless on zoom...malu means shame, jus sayin...

Laertus: woman or Mexican, which do you find more offensive?...

Alice Little sits in a huge smoking-den Master's chair with holes stapled by buttons...

at Homey Airport, a clown with a rubber-chicken baton used to strike people in case anything happens squats behind a bush...

Homey D. Clown: you know they're gonna come after us first...

Mulder to Bump: sir, let me handle this...

Gabe Kaplan gives up the poker after going broke and picks up a mic to sing the blues. his good friend Stephen King takes up drumming cos he can't scare himself anymore. together they re-form the band Toto... 

Boc: it's not a watering until the bluebirds land on your yard, perch on your crabapple tree growing in the centre of your lawn tennis court, and start chirping and hoopin and hollerin for their friends to come join.

Mordecai: thanks. come on, Rigby...

Steven Universe: MOLDAVITE!!! finally a new Crystal Gem!...

Ricky Martin: reminds me of bbq beef and churros...

Alison Lurie: *alluringly* i look like Sylvia Plath.........but i survived...

Michael Weiss in a toupee: the weirdest thing i do on Instagram is always wishing a complete stranger's kid happy birthday...

Rubikon: i've become a lifetime member of Lipstick Alley...

Laertus: Joy Harjo. the only poet i listen to, especially at Thunderbird Bookshop. the only poet i enrapture on, swim with, swim inside. the original American, the Native American, the Native Indian. the first one, the only one......she's 69 years old, Dirg!...

Dirg: i stole Spider Robinson's cowboy hat...

Takahashi: were you there stalking him at least to revive Da Vinci's Inquest?...do something useful next time... 

Prabal Gurung: my keys to success? studying probability hard in college, where i binged ALL the Gurren Lagann episodes while everybody else was out partying, and wearing nothing but white T-shirts...

Biden: the last line of defense in this country is the Post Office......with trillions of rubberbands at their disposal, we're going to amass the biggest Slingshot Army of all time...

Mardith and Madame Pons are outside the Starbucks on a circular fleur-de-lis cafe table chowing down on their doubledecker sandwiches messily, the camera makes it a point to point at their fingers and mouths as they eat, talk with their mouths full, chew noisily, and enjoy the fuck out of their meal. their fingers are covered in Thousand Island dressing which they suck off each other's fingers...

Mardith: not for a man's gazeful pleasure...

Madame Pons: but cos women eat food, too...

the Thousand Island drips off the rim onto the asphalt of the street, where a pigeon and seagull duel for the dollop with their beaks...

Mardith: the couple that can film each other mid-bite while eating stays together...

Madame Pons: there's a crisis of single moms out there!!! the bloke fucks the bird then gets bored of her and he leaves her with the youths!!!

Mardith: youth mouths need to be fed!!!, she's the one who does it!!!...

Cotard: Ten Monasteries system...gozan...if only i could sing...

Doryce: i ended the war.........cos my two bacon strips came out a heart...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: all that's left of Toys R Us now is a Pink Floyd barren brick white wall...

Eye: The Incredible Mr. Limpet and go...

Laertus: okay first of all.........the sequel will be Limpet II: The Incredible Hulk Fish...

Dirg: okay first of all......i mean how did this thing get a G rating?!!! this film displays the Nazi swastika uncensored with no problem. and there's an INCREDIBLE amount of innuendo between the bluefish and pink fish over fish-fucking...

Takahashi: spawning. the Spawning Grounds, the Spawning Waters. like that second Simpsons episode...

Dirg: "Deep Rapture", come on...

Dirg: anybody wanna see my Old Gregg fanart where he's fucking the Don Knotts-fish's mangina?...

Pat: anybody craving fish after watching this? breaded, lemon-juiced, straight out of the air fryer nice and hot and smoked... 

Pat: Today I Learned limpet teeth are the strongest natural substance known to our planet...i miss college...

Eye Luggage: when my mom first saw this as a child with her mommy one lazy Sunday afternoon on one of the three channels, Channel 5, she recounts how the Don Knotts-fish scared the fuck out of her! it was so unnatural and creepy with the droopy eyes and weird ears, fish shouldn't be animated and swim in real water, it's jarring to the senses...she only saw snippets of scenes cos she was hiding her half-face by the slatted doorsill of her bedroom closet watching it, catching only glimpses, a portal here, a Love Boat there...she remembers images but wants to forget...

Laertus: i think Don looks cute as a fish, especially with those glasses on his fish nose, pinching his lips all sore and puffy and kawaii with the pince-nez, those big lips of Don's are perfect on that fish! this was Don's first starring role in a film, he was destined to be the next Charlton Heston without the baggage! a triumph for nerds and aqua geeks everywhere! but we gotta talk about his first lady, the inimitable Carole Cook, this is really HER film.

Dirg: Carole, this was supposed to be her starlet breakout role, she even wore a mink coat to the premiere!, but she was already an old woman when she starred in this, she was a gilf don't get me wrong but...

Laertus: what she said about President Bump, that makes her the coldest soldier fighting on our side ever! this woman has icewater from the ocean in her veins, you need that when you're out on the battlefield...of ideas...

Dirg: look, i can forgive anyone, everyone says crazy shit sometimes, and i can even see her wearing the Morrissey Meat Is Murder war helmet on her little head. but it's hard to give her the benefit of the doubt when she's spent her entire career starring in every Broadway and off-Broadway production of Our American Cousin...

Dirg: why didn't they make a Disneyland ride out of this? with the submarine and portal tv screens and everything. or a musical? there's no MUSICAL of this!!? blasphemy! those are four great songs, four for a 45 record if i ever did see uh hear! do it for Napoleon! do it for Sterling Holloway!

Laertus: this movie seems like a Disney film, doesn't it? it's actually a Looney Tunes film! 

Takahashi: i'm pretty sure there's a video game of this tho

Dirg: that explains a lot. the crab character, The Little Mermaid totally ripped that off! this was the first-ever underwater premiere for a film...first use of a gel screen...the submarine was invented at this premiere...there was no smoking from the Hollywood actors and actresses at this thing cos what would be the point? healthiest Hollywood premiere to date...

Dirg: it's a clean fish movie, Don Knotts is a tilefish straight out of the shower... 

Laertus: it should have gone down like this:

George Stickle: my hand isn't sticky, it just caught on your wife's apron. look, Henry Limpet, you like nature, right? well it's the law of nature that a skinny dork like you with astigmatism and balance issues who can't dance will never end up with a fox like Bessie with a mink round her neck. it's classic beta vs. alpha comin to steal yo girl. me on the other hand, i dance the charlton, my mind is well-balanced cos i kill in the name of saving the world. i deserve Bessie. i'm sad the test came back positive for you, i really wanted you to die in war so i wouldn't have to have this uncomfortable conversation with you...

Donald Duck: Navy suits only look silly on me...

Dirg: hey at least George was eating pickles for Bessie's sake. empathic pregnancy or whatever it's called. he was eating pickles himself to ape the baby pangs Bessie must have been going through...

Eye: only cos Bessie was patriotic...

Dirg: hey, this film did the whole wacky evolution thing way before Howard The Duck did with man being descended from fish... 

Eye: not to mention Sealab 2021, He-Man, and the Klingons, this really is a seminal film...

Laertus: but why did they have to show the Nazis at their table having a meeting? couldn't all of that have remained implied and be more sinister silent? you don't follow the dialogue cos you're distracted by all the Nazi accents...

Dirg: i feel Don, i want to leave this godawful godforsaken world and escape into animalhood. not a furry, okay, being an animal, two completely different mindsets, different lives. i think i should like to be a goat...

Laertus: why you cryin, boy?

Dirg: *large tears* sorry, i just...*wipes large tears on shoulder* i'm seeing this Coney Island scene, ALL THE PEOPLE crowded on the beach maskless!, sigh...

Dirg: I WSH I WISH I WISH I WERE A FISH.........nah he just wanted to learn to swim...

Dirg: the real interview:

George Stickle: why did i join the Navy? to fuck girls from the thousand islands...

Eye: if Don the fish hadn't lost his glasses in the oceanic sea, this would have been a very different film. it's The Penguin all over again...

Aquaman: thrum? if i had had the thrum i would be a squiggly therapist by now...

Dirg: ending scene should have gone down like this:

Bessie: Henry? is that you? 

Henry: where the fuck have you been, woman? my pink sidebitch fish girlfriend other wife who's hiding from you thinks you're ugly.

Bessie: your fish lips, Henry, i could never kiss them...

Henry: well you were a dead fish in bed so we're even. i know this polygamy is against the Church but that's a church of man, not fish! George, why didn't you dive in after me to save me? i thought you were big strong man. you left me to drown, you dolt.

George: Gidget wasn't available, Henry...

Dirg: g'night, folks...

Eye Luggage: Sean Connery wanted to be in this but he was forced to do Red October instead...g'night, folks...

Laertus: lesson here? the porpoise of this film? if we lived in a world without names, it would be a utopia...g'night, folks...

Laertus: don't know why the Jim Carrey remake wasn't a go, Jim's face is perfectly suited perfectly rubbery to replace Don's rubbery face. 

Dirg: Jim's a scary guy...even still i saw a still of Jim as the fish and that was CREEPY AS FUCK...

Celine: WE NEED THE RICHARD LINKLATER INCREDIBLE MR. LIMPET!!! CASE CLOSED!!!

at the Fountain...the tiny room above the schoolroom rented out by Galivant for her and her "son"...:

Galivant: where have you been, young man! and at all hours of the night! your supper's getting cold...

Pat: i don't want oatmeal for dinner anymore, mum! i hang out with my mates, they're the only ones who understand me. 

Galivant: don't tell me you smoke with these hooligans!

Pat: no mum, the skins thing refers to something else. 

Galivant: you're just like your father with the pack of cigarettes. you aren't knocking up any birds out there are ye? please tell me ne. you're not, right? especially that blonde slag with the knockers ironically named Mini...

Pat: she's got a good head on her shoulders, mum, a head for business. she's not just mean. if Sid can get his Nancy why can't i?!

Galivant: you need to put YOUR head down and grind and study like a headmaster and get good grades and get into Oxford or Cambridge...

Pat: well shit, not this again. that sounds familiar. looks like it worked, history repeated itself...

 

 

TMIT: A HOUSE IS A HOME...

"...come take control

just grab a hold

of my body and mind

soon we'll be makin it, honey

i'll be feeling fine..."

1. are women natural seducers or are men?

definitely women, they're the nurturers, the mommies, the carers, the tenderers. the big tits on whom you rest your weary head after a long life. 

this is true even when you're watching that first episode of Red Shoe Diaries. i mean we're talking about Joan Frickin' Severance here!!! come on! of course she seduced the dude despite the dude being all big and buff and in that taxicab in the rain talking about how the meaning of life is finding the right New York-style street slice of pizza. when Joan wears a pearl necklace she wears a pearl necklace, my friend! that Bauer kid grew up brawny, the kid of Jack Bauer and Nina. Cubans have all the fun...

2. which of the following statements most closely matches your sexual attitude?

a) sex is best when you focus on your own pleasure: especially when you're skiing down a snow slope chewing Juicy Fruit gum...

b) sex is best when i can totally meld with my partner and feel as one: only with a Vulcan

c) sex is best when the purpose is that of conceiving a child: only if that child is Spock

d) sex is just a behavior, don't put too much importance on the act, just do it the way you like and need:

i like this philosophy, i was like this for many years, go with the flow. then i saw the video for "What About Your Friends" by TLC and started wearing condoms on my pants and found the sex was more meaningful...

3. do you need to feel emotionally connected to enjoy sex with another person?

for me, yes, it's just better. if it's random the pleasure lasts a second, but when you actually make love to someone you've dreamt about your whole life, the woman who completes you, whose smile lights up your darkness, whom you can't live without, who you picture growing old together with the both of you wearing one set of baggy jeans by the porch with the moldy rocking chair becoming the last tree, THAT's when sex becomes a portal to an existential celestial out-of-body experience. yes this person is already married but that's besides the point...

4. are you allowed to be sexual? explain: only if my priest says it's okay. in the confessional booth he tells me Jason Bateman is my only get-out-of-jail-free card...

5. agree or disagree: sex without love is meaningless.

it's not meaningless but it's porn...

BONUS: conventional wisdom (but not research) says that women value monogamy more than men, is this true for you?

uh, no. no no no, not at all. just go to any comic-book convention and you'll see...

there are examples in nature: Carrie Fisher in When Harry Met Sally. murder hornets. in FILM and in LIFE i follow one person and one person alone, she's the only person whose explanation i agree with and adhere to, watch Celine's story of the island in Before Sunrise...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

 

GROGU VS. KARNOV

 

notes:

* everyone forgets about Yaddle...

* Yoda to Grogu: why you got anime eyes tho?...

* i mean talk about the luckiest man in the world. this dude gets the illustrious sublime Amanda Bynes on the way down. he snatches her up when she's down and out and vulnerable. Bynes The Sublime with all the new face markings and the dusty bro by chance at the same rehab meeting at the same time...

* Lars von Trier: double planet? i know, i predicted it. in Denmark there is no Simpsons, only me... 

* Gamestop on ispot, it's confusing

* customer: is this the line for the new Ninja Gaiden?

clerk: haven't heard that name in ages...

customer: i just care about the original one, the arcade one, that first cutscene...

* customer: it's required for you to work here to have blueberry hair, right?

clerk: nah, just really into The Smurfs. just wish there were more male Smurfs, you know?...

customer: blue is my natural hair-color...

* customer: what's with the heavy chain round your neck, into S&M, too?

clerk: that's for my dog Lucy who recently died...

customer: sorry, man. we can kid around cos we're both Democrats and can have fun again...

* is that a poster of Moz? Morrissey?

no that's a poster of Lou Reed!!!

* old lady by the patio pool: *SCREAMS*

husband: it's just an oculus, woman!

old lady: let me have this, Harold! you called me a Munchkin in bed. you said i couldn't call you Wild Thing at the point of orgasm...

* couple in car:

man: yeah i mean it's weird. it's cool that my chick likes video games like i do. but you like the sports ones and always beat me when we play, you've made video games not fun anymore...

woman: at least you still look like Kylo Ren on a ladies' show...

* bodybuilder: what am i doing? i could lift more iron and drink more shakes and get biceps the size of double planets, but i'll never be strong, Baby Yoda is strong cos he has strong thoughts... 

* Yoda: okay i lied. i never lifted a weight in my life, i just floated the barbells...my witticisms are still valid tho...

* shot glasses, the perfect way to get kids into Super Mario...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: fam i don't want to get catfished. not again. i don't know what to do. it's history repeating itself. this isn't the fish fillet this is the big one. i look at the McDonald's website and they say they have the MCRIB back!!! but this is what happened the last time, they said they had it on the national menu but when i went to my local McDonald's by the seashore they had no idea what i was talking about...

you know the exact same thing's gonna happen again...

 

PROPER PAT: THE OTHER BEAVER

and so, Pat spends hellish years at a British boarding school. he barely survives.

Pat: now that i'm a teenager, a youth as they call it over here, i don't have enough energy to be rebellious!

the good news is he develops a perfect English accent.

in the waning days of his primary-schooling, Pat is feeling particularly hungry, particularly peckish. so he hops down to the mess hall but he's in a mood and they're not serving what he's craving:

Pat: *holds out his beige bowl* excuse me, sir, may i have another?

headmaster: *fixing his spyglass* you may certainly NOT, young man!!!

Pat flips the tray and destroys the mess hall.

Pat: MAN WHAT YOU PLAYIN'! YOU SERVE CRANBERRY SAUCE ON THANKSGIVING DAY???! CRANBERRY SAUCE???! EVERYONE HATES CRANBERRY SAUCE!!!!!!

the next morning Pat has calmed down some and washes the walls with his tongue and water from the Fountain.

Pat: sorry, man, mate, what's on tap for lunch today? for tea?

headmaster: Thousand Island dressing.

Pat: MAN YOU PLAYING A JOKE ON ME, MISTER???! when i smell the pique smell of Thousand Island dressing i think of three things: Big Macs, In N Out Burger, and wanting to travel to a thousand islands, to ALL the islands. more than anything else in the world i want to travel the world...

Codrus is in the woods by the English countryside and gets in a fight with the Emerging Elf in the tree trunk:

Emerging Elf: why aren't you moving? is it cos you're God?

Codrus: hurry up! i can't punch you till you emerge!

Dirg: so i went and knocked on the door of Chesley Bonestell, like i did with Stan Lee. he lives right here in Obec. all i saw were stalls of brown cows with astronaut helmets on, no airports. turns out he died. sucks. he's bones now. bones buried on Mars. actually it was HE who was the first person on Mars...

Dirg: what's with the two men who look like Waldo without the hat in bed together whenever i search on Google for "sex". what's with the generic Bond villainess giant and nude and woman by a shoreline with the seawaves forming a crashing-down line opposite her everytime i look up "nude". hey Takahashi for your birthday i got you the Super Mario Cake from Stone Cold Steve Austin Creamery!

Takahashi: it's no Winchester pie but it'll do

Doryce: did somebody say birthday batter?!

the entire group and squad are at Macy's and the larger mall doing their Christmas and holiday shopping:

Takahashi doesn't buy socks made in Honduras, instead he gives to a Honduran charity.

Dirg: tape? scotch tape on "classy" Polo shirts?...

Gladyce buys panties which are too small for her vagina. she doesn't say a word to Doryce, she keeps mum. she simply places them in the cupboard next to the saucers and never wears them again...uses them as dishrags...

Dirg: Taka, hint hint, i need boxer shorts, buddy. i balled up all the tape into one sticky ball and threw it in the trash. it landed and stuck to the crotch of my torn-to-shreds boxer shorts i had discarded in the trash earlier...my boxer shorts are my cum-collectors...the symbolism was deafening...

Laertus: i'm skinny but i have a fat ass. my bottom butt is a wide-load, a truck, a carriage, a Kylo Ren.

Eye Luggage: you're okay, dear, you're fine.

Dirg: with the amount of tiny rapiers pierced through this shirt, we could fence a gentleman's duel...

Dirg: from now on, i'm only gonna wear plain white T-shirts.........hey Takahashi, for Christmas i got you a big bag of Cheetos Snowflakes. what? it has a to-from label emblazoned on the corner of the bag there...

Laertus: is it safe to come out again?

Dirg: Mary Elizabeth McGlynn's profile pic for Instagram should have been a pic of Major Motoko...

Dirg: hey man, don't mess with my Hallmark Christmas movies...

Gladyce to Doryce, now back at The Treehouse:

Gladyce: dear avoid getting out of the shower when you see hair strands stuck to the tile, simply pick up the hair, make a wish, and blow them away......over the bubbly mottled shower railing...

Gladyce at The Store: it's too hard for me to eat these The Store sandwiches cos they're so big, too stacked, too tall it unhinges my jaw to eat them...

Michael Weiss with a spyglass: you want to get women to notice you on Instagram? call them "bud"...

Eye: Trent Reznor, W.H. Auden. dismantle the stars from the sky......not saying they're sleeping together but, y'know...

Tyzik: PEPSI! all you did for your Christmas commercial was photoshop Christmas lights in the background of your regular commercial?!!!!!...

Rubikon, teaching: the Mangrove Nine. if only Denny's and IHOP were switched in Obec.........I HATE COUNTRY ROADS!!!...

the schoolchildren have no idea what he's talking about, which the headmaster takes as a sign that he's a good teacher...

Dirg: i want Zombie Tramp to join the Orchid Girls...

Polished Chaos joins the Orchid Girls...first time didn't take...

at The Weather Channel:

Reynolds Wolf: hello all, howdy. everyone rubbing their bellies after that post-Thanksgiving binge? even the women? if it's the women it means something different, hehe...just kidding. i'm here to catch all your drippings as you rub just call me Reynolds Wrap Wolf...

Dirg: remember, all trolls are just trying to give it to the top. knock the elite down a few pegs. keep those in power in check...

Mardith: if you really wanted to be with me, you would have given me the perfect gift.

Dirg: wha? i don't get it. i'm the man, i give you sex, what more do you want?

Mardith: WE'VE NEVER HAD SEX! partly because i need to be comfortable. a girl needs to be comfortable, you know? 

Dirg: i give up.

Mardith: Moon Pod Beanbag...

Dirg: see? you gotta admit, Hllbilly Elegy is kinda cool...

Bush, re-formed and on stage:

Gavin Rossdale: *singing* we live in a wheel where everyone steals...

Gavin: ...not saying i stole from Cobain, just saying...

Caitlin Moran proudly flaunts her Cruella de Vil hair as she entrances the Orchid Girls HQ in the oak-tree-knot who all the Girls stand at attention. following her is Rosie Stephenson-Goodknight who takes charge of the Orchid Girls wikipedia and has a cup of tea at night by the shadowy fireplace...

Mardith: someday somebody gonna catch your vibe and love all over it like a slobber dog. it won't be soon but you gotta be patient like Captain America...

Wittyidiot and Alison Sieke get married...

Orchid Girls, now a massive conglomeration corporation, buys up and swallows CherryPicks...

Cotard: do you know what it's like staring at the Thanksgiving meat on the table for a fucking hour waiting for everyone to arrive!!!!!?...

Stephen A Smith: why is it trickeration only in the NFL? and trickery everywhere else? but why is it not called the Cal Axe tho?...

Cara Santa Maria re-forms TakePart Live. on her first show back:

CSM: i was AOC first. i dated Bill Maher. let's just say Halle Berry was better in bed than Bill...

Doryce to Gladyce: you don't need the Vanquish, dear, you just need to shower...

Daniel Popper: no, only I can communicate with Groot...

Mardith: ketchup used to be my color, purple...

Boc: i watered a little too far aloft of the road and wetted the highway, caused an 8-car pileup. i watered at a 45-degree angle to get the rainbow, that's the only good watering. i'm so tall i bumped and knocked my head on the trees, my beanie fell off my head into a puddle. you forget to water the trees, you spend so much time on the lawn court, not until the trees are dripping is it a good watering...

Boc: when i wet the land, the birds land on it and chirp, spreading their seed betwixt their spindly legs onto the damp soil, eventually growing trees...

Pat: hi everybody, just got back from doing my homework. my teacher wants us to imagine what Emmett Till's voice sounded like and write an epic heroic poem about Emmett and the strength in his voice. i have a confession to make: i never had what it took to join any of Princeton's elite eating clubs so i fill the void each week by serving you unique foods...here's the ceebu jen...

Dirg: vegetotherapy? the State CANNOT make me eat my vegetables...

Rachel Slawson: speaking of cole slaw, make fun of my name all you want, but i'm gonna be the first true genetic out-in-the-open bisexual bachelor on The Bachelor... 

Dirg: but the cole in cole slaw, what is cole?...

Laertus: Dirg, DoorDash, these are all independent women...

Madame Pons: *hugging Mardith* why don't you film a video and post it to your Instagram telling your followers you love them. a person who tells their followers they love them is neat.

Mardith: *wiping away tears* thanks, sis.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: why didn't Burger King make Jughead their mascot?...

Eye: The Beaver and go...

Mel Gibson: not about my problems...my apparent problems communicating...without using my fists...and talking to my PR guy i mean my guidance counselor...

Anton Yelchin: i myself get confused, sometimes i think i'm Emile Hirsch...

Jillian Clare sweeps Anton Yelchin off his feet, she whisks him away to an island with no steep hill inclines, no cars just boats, she proposes marriage to him, and the two get hitched in a palm-tree hammock...

Jillian: *serious face* place your weary head on my big bosom, my sweet. rest. you banged your head against so many walls you can never put wallpaper up on that drywall again. no wonder you keep telling me you're feeling crazy in the head like your father. well if you're like your daddy you're MY daddy now. no more magazine letters, my sweet, no more note cards on a red string of crazy fate. fate into crazy. you don't have to be the madman anymore, the self-stalker. if it's the God genes then it's the God genes. 

Dirg: first Jodie Foster film that didn't do well...jus sayin...

Laertus: okay i mean the thing that surprised me the most here is Jennifer Beep-Beep Lawrence! i had NO idea she was in this! this was that period when she wasn't quite A-list yet so she's slumming here...

Dirg: wowzers. i mean you forget just how fucking hot young Jennifer was. this was the period when you needed to nab her, snatch her up, cos now she's all seasoned and cultured-cougar and tryna get with Timothee Chalamet...

Dirg: look, i know this is coming from me, but i don't think Jennifer is a particularly great actress, she's just serviceable here, you know?...

Eye: oh my goddess! Jennifer's mother in this is the white chick from In Living Color!!!

Laertus: wish they would have dived more into Jennifer's brother's OD. HIS life story would have been interesting. 

Eye: i'm guessing he couldn't take having Jennifer Lawrence for a sister, i mean how could you compete with feminine perfection like that? so he huffed one too many tagging-graffiti-can fumes in the garage...

Laertus: kudos to the cast for actually making this serious, i mean this really could have been a disaster if they couldn't stop cracking up and this became Avenue Q. i want to see the blooper reel for this film! you know Sesame Street's got some great blooper reels behind the scenes!...

Chauncey Gardiner: no don't do it!

Eye: i would have lost it when Anton calls the beaver puppet a chipmunk...

Alvin: i'm still stuck in Almost Famous!!! HELP!!!...

Laertus: thought the voice of the puppet was Gary Oldman at first...

Eye: you're just not used to hearing Mel's actual Australian voice, dear...

Dirg: i'm not a furry but did anyone want to fuck the puppet?

Dirg: i mean you gotta admit, it was disappointing that there wasn't a sex scene with the puppet and Jennifer Lawrence or Jodie Foster...

Eye: well there kinda was. Jodie and Mel in their marriage bed...he had the puppet in his hand...for Jodie that must have been one unexpectedly DELIGHTFUL anal fisting!...

Mardith: shivering

Dirg: hey Pat, did you ever cheat your way to the top? to get into Princeton? ever buy the answers to some hard high-school test in order to pass?

Pat: well yeah sure, that's how i met my Russian girlfriend...

Laertus: i did once. i wrote papers for other students. but i was just working on my script-writing...

Dirg: this was funded by our enemy...

Eye: oh hey it's the PILF! President I'd Like To Fuck! the President of the United States! the only female one there ever was! on 24!

Dirg: with the beautiful porn-star name: Cherry Jones.

Takahashi: Cherry Jones and Mary McDonnell, these, my friend, are REAL women.

Eye: the perfect segue to discuss...

Laertus: yep, let's all just put our cards on the table now. despite our divisions in this country, we all come together and agree on one thing: Holland Taylor and Sarah Paulson is the HOTTEST couple of all time!!!...

Dirg: i'm imagining that sex now...

Eye: that shower scene was rather blase about the subject of suicide, like changing the channel. a show with Matt Lauer...

Dirg: yeah i mean why do they make shower-rods anymore? they're too dangerous. R.I.P. Anthony Bourdain, Asia's family is tragically dwindling down more than ever. yeah watching this made me MORE depressed. i had to take a pill to get through it...

cat familiars: tis true tis true, Mozart used to yelp like one of us, he meowled and woke up the whole conservatory but it was only because he wasn't fed enough of his mother's milk as a child...

Dirg: suckling. they never showed the psychiatrist, that's how you know the plan is whack, take it from me. that small child actor is gonna be traumatized from this experience. is it tagging if it's therapy? 

Laertus: Anton was looking at a map the way Emile didn't for Into The Wild...

Dirg: the Beaver toy ironically ended up hurting Mel cos it subliminally taught him how to use a saw...

Dirg: it should have gone down like this:

Mel Gjbson; okay so i circular-sawed my arm off but i got a glass arm now. so i'm not gonna become the Saw guy, i got rid of my demons...

Jodie Foster: yes, dear. that glass hand looks like my hand at the end of The Piano.........i look like Holly Hunter...

Dirg: wait, they went to CANNES to promote this film?!!!! really?! g'night, folks...

at the Fountain school:

a beautiful mysterious woman in a tall fascinator with feather, purple parasol, and hoop skirt over a long Sunday-sundae turtleneck dress inches towards the school, she flips her parasol and uses the tip to unlock the key to the door to the school...

Galivant: PATRICK! YOU GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW, MISTER! GO DOWN UNDER MY SKIRT!!!

Pat, tongue hanging from dry-heat work weeks, lits his eyes and turns his tongue's attention back around to lapping up his rescue from his savioress.

Galivant: i'm sorry for any trouble he caused, Headmaster, you can be assured he will get a stern talking-to when his father comes home after going out for a pack of cigarettes from the store and never coming back...

outside:

Pat: phew! thanks for saving me. i swear if i washed one more wall...they were brick walls, too...

Galivant: don't know how much longer this charade can last but...anyway, go back under my skirt and see what you see.

Pat: wowzers! it's a whole other world under here! 

Pat reaches inside the vagina with his fist......and pulls out a......beaver puppet...

Galivant: how was the film discussion today?

Pat: fun as always...

 

TMIT: SEX SYMBOLS ARE BORN, NOT MADE

"you have to be born a sex symbol. you don't become one. if you're born with it, you'll have it even when you're 100 years old."---Sophia Loren

and Sophia would know, she was the very first gilf...

1. are movie star sex symbols a thing of the past? HELL NO. take H. Jon Benjamin.........well H. Jon Benjamin's voice...

2. who was your favorite sex symbol while you were growing up?

Maria from Sesame Street

that wedding episode was tough to get through. even rougher for a kid like me with no coping skills. i cried blubber forcing my eyes open to have to watch that special. the only thing that comforted me that day was Linda Bove's smile. when Luis takes Maria strongly by his forearm and walks her down the aisle, when she gazes longingly into his Latin-lover eyes as they say their vows---Big Bird understandably not wanting to go up to that altar holding a candle---i threw my fish tuna-melt at the tv screen and howled at the moon on the calendar above...

3. of present-day stars, who do you consider to be a legitimate sex symbol? why?

Shia LaBeouf. because of what he said about his mother...

4. do you have what it takes to be a sex symbol? tell us 3 things that make you a sex symbol:

i look like Tiger Woods

i look like Drake

i look like Eric Andre

5. the following can be celebrities or people in your life.

---name someone who was sexy younger and is still sexy today, like Helen Mirren:

my priest. he constantly brags to me about how good he is in bed. how he cleansed Annette Funicello's soul so she wouldn't get disowned by Disney in her old age. about how he got the black-and-gold Lamborghini cos he's a Taurus. our sessions always go like this:

priest: tell me your sins you did today, you little bitch.

me: i started to believe in the infinity pool...

priest: speaking of, i got an infinity pool. it's in my villa up in the Italian hills where i Confession celebrities. what i hear in their sacred box i only tell the papers. i got to drink George's wine. he gave me a three-picture deal with HBO Max where if i singlehandedly revive Venture Bros i can do my vanity project where i get to be Jude Law's trainer...

---name someone who was a bit goofy when younger but has gotten sexy with age? like Jeff Goldblum:

Goofy. right? when he reappears in Goof Troop he's different. he's the seasoned dad, the man who is wise and doesn't guffaw at shit anymore. doesn't go around chasing ambulances, he's just sitting in his easy-chair smoking a pipe, washing dishes for his smoking wife, taking care of his skateboard son. and telling stories out of school about the old days and where Mickey stores his cheese in his body. Goofy is a zaddy.

---name someone who was sexy when younger but has lost that sex appeal? Woody Allen...

BONUS: name a sex symbol living or dead whose bedroom skills you would not mind testing out? Trent Reznor...

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