TMIT: PHRASAL TEMPLATE FOR THE OLD TEMPLE

SCATTERGORIES!!!

1. when and how did you discover your passion for ___?

my passion for writing has always been in me, i just never saw it. it was a gift handed down to me by my untimely late beloved dearly-departed dad and his typewriter briefcase. but a sad thing happened on the way to the Forum: Kobe tributes. one day i was bored and popped open the briefcase, the three-digit triptych trip rote silver-rotor lock keypass was the same combination as my stanky P.E. locker at school i was hookying from. inside: one passionfruit, all seeds...

2. how has ___ changed your sex life?

the internet? it's a double-edged sword. on the one hand it's all fake and ether and nothing on the internet is real or has any semblance to an actual lived human life...and yet WITHOUT the internet i wouldn't have met the coolest people i know......and some cool celebrities who are just like we regular people...

3. what is something unique you do to ___ your ___?

it's all in the trick i mean wrist: how to turbocharge your gum: add water to it. it works. take your bigass wad of chewed dried desiccated gum with your vampyre bitemarks in it with no more flavor you scraped off your Keds and run it under the school-brick drinking fountain while the monsignor isn't looking......voila! instant return to rootbeer flavor...

4. what is the craziest ___ you've eaten while ___?

the craziest WAP i've eaten while under was down in Australia. see i was nervous around doctors, even when i brought my Mad Libs to the waiting room. so a female friend suggested to me to see a female doctor cos maybe i'd open up more. they're more gentle, she assured me. so i get there to my Woman Australian Practitioner and sure enough she was right! i closed my eyes as my hand is gently guided by her into the fishtank. the water is cold and sloshing. all the little biter fish surround my fingers and begin nibbling, it's such a peppermint sensation like little kisses all around my knuckles. before i knew it the exam was over. i love doctors now!!!

BONUS: is there such a thing as "too much information"? when?

Matthew McConaughey's dad died while having sex with his mom...

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GLAD TIDINGS

notes:

* Malcolm Gladwell: for all my success, writing books about success is not what i was put on this Earth to do. i don't think of this as this thing that only i can do that needs to be done on this planet. like Malcolm McDowell, who was BORN to play the creepy milk dude from A Clockwork Orange. 

Kevin Hart: don't mind the dog, he's drinking all your milk...

* Malcolm:  do you know why i became a writer?

Kevin: couldn't get into Hollywood?

Malcolm: i was never able to crack a window when i was kid, never experienced air...

* Malcolm: have you read any of my many books, Kevin?

Kevin: well, sure! there was the one that opens up on a paragraph about...like a hockey team or something...yeah, and the lake is frozen...and you explain the one who eats the puck first knows what it's like to eat shit in life, you know cos of the cow puck---which where i come from is called a poo puck---hence that player is the most successful in life cos he's experienced hardship. great read...i thought it was a sports almanac and i wanted to get into hockey but...

* Malcolm: i'll make you a deal, Kevin, you get me into the Oscars and i'll write the patter for you...

* Malcolm: why does everyone have a podcast now? 

Kevin: it's trendy.

Malcolm: I HATE IT! give all your money to Tom Green, he invented podcasts!!!

Kevin: green, i get it.

* Malcolm: sleep stories...

Kevin: Malcolm? you nodded off there...

Malcolm: i die once a day, that's why i'm so successful...

* Malcolm: have you written a bestseller, Kevin?

Kevin: come on, man, we all know the only MasterClass that's actually on Audible is the Natalie Portman one for obvious reasons...

* Kevin: let me see your snuffbox.

Kevin: what? why is there powdered soy in here instead of snuff?

Malcolm: i'm SOY BOMB. i had the ideas for The Beatles and everything...

* Kevin: you know they're just making it seem that this is my house and we're in separate rooms but we're in the same room it's painted half.

Malcolm: i didn't notice, i was dead.

Kevin: how'd you get all this money? is that a Monet? how'd you afford all this fine art? all these paintings?

Malcolm: all the paintings you see displayed before you are stolen. i was the inspiration for Sideshow Bob...

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happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i don't have a car anymore. a deer jumped in front of it. don't worry, the deer's fine. i have to walk everywhere now...

...so i can only go as far as my The Store. my local The Store. get me one of those readymade sandwiches. i love those sandwiches not only cos they're good and easy but cos of where they're stored: in that cool cooler. i climb inside that cooler and stay there till the next pallet slides into me... 

one time the butcher at Safeway winked at me. so i started a conversation with him. he had all gold teeth and one white tooth. he said his London broil was the best meat in all of downtown Pacific Grove. even the wooded areas. but then he said he had watched Bambi 100 times and memorized it and i was like "nope, nope" and walked out...

  

PENN PAT: MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND SEQUEL

Molly Q and Max Kellerman are spotted through the rustling Halloween howling dried twig treebranches of the most famous hotel in Paris, slipping through the back-entrance brick under cover of night and trash bins with a quickness the paparazzi only capture their chins...

Kim Jong-un gets up to the dais on his hands and knees. the mic is crackling because his tears are on it:

Kim: i'd like to address my people. the reason i'm crying is i was given the Putin vaccine... 

Mardith takes a strong hold of Dirg's hand:

Dirg: lick it...

Mardith: i want to knock some sense into your hand! knock around its lines! there's gotta be good SOMEWHERE in there! there's still hope for you! people nowadays for some reason are reverting back to astrology. like your supposed Sign has anything to do with it. 

Dirg: yeah, what is this, the Jack Tripper '70s!!!?

Mardith: it's about thinking. controlling thinking. so it doesn't control you. your sacred sacron sacrum is out of alignment...

Michael Weiss in a speedo: people asking for medical help for their children on Instagram...

Gladyce: don't have potatoes for weeks. two weeks. you're gonna savor that first fries, it won't taste like apple slices...

Takahashi: i like tv, but shows go on WAY too long. till there are just too many episodes. after the last cable outage, i decided i was just gonna watch the show and read the one review...

Dirg: AV Club?

Takahashi: Bubbleblabber. I GOT MY TIME BACK!!! when i realize all the time i've missed, all the shows i've missed, all i can do is binge all the shows at once, that's it, just the shows...

Toots Vosti, Ana Hard, and a cute girl with a pink ribbon in her hair and mary jane shoes by the name of Piper Sandler all join the Orchid Girls. all the Orchid Girls wear lace masks now...

Orchid Girls: we will not be replaced by the Gorjana Girls! they will not wrap themselves around our little neck!

Takahashi: i've never had tea at McDonald's...

Gladyce to Doryce: it's illegal to eat popcorn if you're not gonna clean up the mess of kernels on the floor...

Doryce to Dirg: when you're shucking corn ears for that matter all the corn strands everywhere...

Gladyce: why can't you pick up after yourself!!?

Doryce: i'm a naturally messy person, i can't help it...

Doryce: mail my sweepstakes lottery letter, walk all the way to the Post Office, you know vagrants like Dirg here steal our letters from our mailbox at night!!

Gladyce: at least extend me the same courtesy why didn't you go to the Post Office to mail my ballot!!? i could have gotten beaten up on the way!!!...

Rubikon: translators have to have razor-sharp memories like a trap...

Gladyce to Doryce: dear i appreciate you putting the new roll of paper-towels by the pole, but how bout next time you actually REPLACE the empty paper-towel roll?!...

Doryce: that's a long thick pole...

Dirg: the Keytruda commercial tho. notice how they run over the sidewalk curb? fellas, look out for these ladies...

Dirg: you know why there were no female Rangers guest-starring last week on the big combo show?

Teuila Blakely: no, why don't you enlighten us o male Zordon. we down here are all allies...

Dirg: cos they're all pregnant...

Lorne Michaels to Cecily Strong: i really don't know how y'all do it! you put together an entire show in a fucking week having NO IDEA what the fuck the show's gonna be about the week before!!!

Cecily: pay me more...

Dirg: SNL is biased against country music.  

Cecily: no, just country-music dudebros...

Kyle Mooney: at least there's no more time to do a Cut-For-Time cos of covid...

Dirg: curse you Midwood!!! oh how i hate Brooklyn! but i want a Midwood book cover as my wife...

Doryce: the mint from my red-state BBQ melted...

Dirg: when a celeb doesn't post at all on a Saturday, we all know what that means...…...she fucked on a Friday...

at Knott's Berry Farm, Mardith and Dirg are...well, together, by each other, not really a date...

the two are up perched in the Sky Cabin till Madame Pons breaks them up in her bumper car...

Pons: TERMINATOR!!!

Pons also gets in a fistfight with Madame Shadic...

Boc: i love doing all the lawns Sunday morning, the phoenii are not yet awake, the isle is quiet, and i hum my favorite Maroon 5 song through the real blue tulips...  

Laertus to Dirg: hey Dirg, you don't have to take the Vanquish when it's cool out, only when it's hot.

Dirg: i'm taking the Digital Headache Vanquish, the blue ones, is that the same as the regular ones? is my dealer ripping me off!!!?

Doryce to Gladyce: the trick, dear, is don't eat everything on your plate, no tongues out licking unless it's my wap...

Gladyce: Woman As President?

President Bump: the Norwegian woman on The Weather Channel STILL hasn't had her baby!!! fake news...

Doryce: no my clit. deliberately throw a quarter of the food away, that's how you stay thin...

Michael Weiss in a speedo: Instagram's just one big guilt trip...

Boc: I DID IT AGAIN!!! i watered the lawn courts without my special shoes!!! i still have the clay-court mentality!!! i spent the rest of the morning cleaning out the grooves of my tennis shoes with the same spoon i used to eat my Rice Krispies with that morning! my moms pops always told me to spool the hose so it doesn't look like a drunk snake. one of these days that hose is gonna break me trying to yank it over that cobblestone, pierced, all the water will come out like Mary Pierce...

John McEnroe: Mary Pierce lookin' like a snack at the 2020 French Open in that red dress...…...

Dirg: we must be aware of simp comments. you know the ones: long longwinded flowery comments taking up space talking about how her eyes are the oceans and his skin is the hot dog...

Laertus: so poetry. you're mad at poetry. don't get mad cos you can't write poetry like that. mad cos you can't hang poetry on her lantern like that...

Cotard: so before we begin, i'd just like to make my confession and say that it was indeed Thich Nhat Hanh.........he was the one who was my partner-in-crime that night, he was thicc as all get-out that night. he taught me how to fit 10 plums in my mouth...

Michael Weiss in a speedo: you get many likes on Instagram not cos you're likable, but because you're not a bot... 

Dirg: what's the point of being asexual?

Michael Weiss in a speedo: so you can eat a lot of food during your lifetime...

Takahashi: Seattle's 7-Eleven, i've never seen a 7-Eleven stashed tucked away in a classy department-store facade like that before.

Dirg: not like Macy's...

Eye: like it's a Rampage building...the arcade game...

Helen Rosner is the Orchid Girls cook...

the millennial Italian saint Carlos Acutis shipwrecks on the island...to prepare for Vatican...

Dirg: he's just a hacker...

Eye: Carlos, you're cute! well you were cute, island life you know...

Laertus: that PBS interstitial is SO inspiring!!! absolutely amazing and heartwrenching. Nova literally changes the direction and trajectory of accomplishment in this woman's life, from sleeping-in-her-car poverty to big ideas and outer space scholarship.

Eye Luggage: don't say she's a fat chick, Dirg...

Dirg: can't say that about the space black guy...

Tyzik: Colin Farrell on The Batman set? that's Christopher Meloni filming his new Law & Order show on the Gotham set!!!...prepare for baby-daddy cameos...

Eye: what were we talking about again?...…...oh yes, FOLKS, please listen to me for once in your miserable lives!!! tonight we are HONORED to have Celine and Jesse THEMSELVES here in the podcast booth!

Laertus: au revoir...i mean, sorry, i get nervous around greatness, you are an inspiration to my every cell...

Celine: merci.

Eye and Cotard: hey that's my line...our line...

Jesse: there's a hunger still unsatisfied, like that Pink Floyd song "High Hopes".

Cusack: High Fidelity?

Cotard: i love that "High Hopes" music video, that's a very monk video...

Jesse: humans, no matter what they have, all the things and people they have in their lives, are never satisfied, they always want more, more keychains, more hotel keys, more sex, more knowledge...

Eye: yeah cos if your dreams are realized, what more is there to do?

Jesse: it's a restlessness in the human soul to never sit still and be satiated, sated, nor seated. human all too human, like a Turin horse...

Dirg: or maybe you're just a Hollywood asshole. yeah man why can't you just be satisfied with Julie Delpy for fuck sake?!!!...

Eye: Before Midnight and go...

Laertus: TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Laertus faints, crying collapsing into Eye's shoulder.

Laertus: i'm sorry but...THAT SCENE...that scene was momentous! the greatest moment of my life!! *looks at Eye* sorry, honey. i mean when you see the twins in the backseat, the two little matching girls with the blonde hairs so big they cover their entire bodies, you know, you know, you know

THE OTP HAS BEEN CONSUMMATED!!!

you see, nothing matters anymore, nothing in life matters anymore, you'll get through the hard times, you'll make it to the other side, Celine and Jesse are forever linked through these children!!! IT HAPPENED FOR THE COUPLE!!! they are forever united!

Celine: we felt the same...at first...

Jesse: i did it all for the apple...

Jesse: yeah it's like no matter how hard our lives get, how difficult our agreed-upon union, even if we separate, we are never separated because we are forever cosmically together cos we made two sprouts. 

Dirg: keep the D word to dick, not divorce. cute kids. i mean they are creepier than The Shining twins and do nothing in the film and are just there as props and to show they exist but...cute kids. i want kids...

Eye: *starry-eyed* OH JUST GET MARRIED ALREADY!!!

Laertus: the love has already happened. i remember being at work after that scene, i was beaming from ear to ear, grinning silently and my coworkers thought something was wrong with me...

Eye: you have an office? where is it located?

Laertus: nothing else matters. Jesse and Celine are permanent parents! of the same DNA keychain! the world is good! there's hope!!!

Dirg: yeah and what are you complaining about this go-round? you're lamenting the world is STILL going to hell in a handbasket? how? you're doing all this during the Obama monarchy reign!!!

Dirg: half of this film takes place in a neverending car-ride through the countryside...

cat familiars: ghastly! ghastly decision to leave in the script! we disavow this film on grounds of animal cruelty...not shown but stated...the story of the frisky pregnant party-girl cat and her litter of kittens...kitties in a bag...NO MORE!!! what's with these European films and animal abuse!!!?...

Dirg: so this is what Cassie from Skins would have ended up as with her middle-aged ass...

Celine shoots Dirg a non-sexual dirty look:

Celine: my end?...

Jesse: the airport scene at the beginning...

Dirg: ...yeah not starting off well. you immediately introduce the kid. once a kid is involved and you can put a face to Hank who has smartass lines, it's all Brady Bunch cousin downhill from there...

Jesse: i was confused cos an old-timey general who likes maple syrup doesn't know a thing about airplanes. also, i learned to distrust driveways from Celine's apartment last film. cul-de-sacs...

Dirg: good boy.

Jesse: ...so i sat down on the tarmac...and waited. an hour of real-life film time elapsed and i get a call from the last public phone. it's Celine wondering where the fuck i am and to come pick them up. i'm thinking she means the luggage, the two suitcases, but she meant the kids...

Jesse: let me allay your fears right now, fellas, this film is set in Greece but it's WAY better than Mamma Mia...

Dirg: not a film to take your niece...

Laertus: *chuckles* haha, and once again more of Jesse's harebrained-but-actually-brilliant ideas for future novels code for future films...

Dirg: the guy with amnesia who can only remember his bad memories...

Laertus: ...that's called trauma...

Cotard: Xenia's last name means "son of monk"...

Ariane Labed: i'm dramatizing onscreen the real-life romance relationship i had with Batman...

Dirg: lots of beds in that drama. yeah, Batman and that Twilight chick... 

Tyzik: Django Reinhardt? you mean Ricky Ricardo...

Celine and Jesse are strolling together as they do:

Celine: looks like it's time for us to get out of the booth and start walking and talking again...:

Jesse: we filmed the 2nd film during that infamous European heat wave, remember?

Codrus: you cursed me for heat waves! you'd KILL to just have heat waves again...

Celine: WE caused that heat wave, Jesse, you and i the two of us. it reached 150 degrees right after the ending of Before Sunset when we fucked like wild mongeese for 3 days in my apartment with the black blinds on...

Dirg: mongeese? mongooses? mongoosed?...

Celine: salt mandalas? Greek saint paintings staring at me? i have a death wish...

Jesse: nah you just like the mudbath those swarthy Pompeii men took to make their skin look so good...

Laertus: once again Linklater using to perfection the local Greek actors and one actress in particular who delivers a heartrending soliloquy on love and loss and forgetting how your spouse's face looked like. Dick nails it every time...

Dirg: they were talking bout some weird shit in that open-air stone Mount Olympus café. robots overtaking humanity? the only tech they had back then was Skype, how quaint, sex will become solely through screens?......like this were covid or something...

Dirg to Jesse: it's weird seeing you get a text from Hank and that familiar modern boop sound, i'm still with you on that '90s train...

Dirg: poor Celine, she's not sexy anymore. she only gets some by mimicking a blowjob and a triangle-pussy-clit-wap-lick with her hand and fingers. and by licking her pray hands which as a staunch Christian i found particularly hot. who knew praying a prayer was ice cream? she's jealous of the young girl who actually gets some...

Celine slaps Dirg hard on the cheek...

Celine: i talk with knives, i'm French woman, not American woman......

Laertus: i was thinking that young girl and her Shakespearean stage lover would start walking along the beach and start up the new trilogy...

Eye: i mean this ex-wife of Jesse. WHO is she!? will she ever be cast? what does she look like? by all accounts this woman is a shedevil! Satan herself!!!

Dirg: American cunt, go with Jena Friedman...

Laertus: save the wife mudwrestling for the fourth film... 

Mardith: couples massage? really? there's your problem, there's where you went wrong, shoulda went with the empath counseling...

Eye: Celine's experience is very valid, no matter the year, a woman juggling being a mom with a wife and her own career, what exactly is a woman's identity in these times?...

Dirg: you can't be a passionate woman and be married...tied down with kids and school lunches and peanut-butter hummus...you gotta be free...a passionate European woman anyway...

Dirg: yeah, writing isn't a hobby! it isn't a hobby for him! haven't you heard? being a writer is a full-time job now!!! covers on the wine glasses make them look like grape juice boxes. WHOA!!! WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT!!!

Eye: yeah, man, this film unlike the other two REALLY goes all-out with the sex! i'm sure you were getting audience clamor in letters that they REALLY wanted these two to finally fuck...and SHOW IT ON SCREEN!!! not just in fanfics. how did you feel about that scene, Celine?

Celine: well on the one hand it's exploitative---you can't get away with this anymore on film sets---but on the other hand it's kinda cool that they let a middle-aged woman show her 43-year-old tits like it was nothing like that. after all, this does happen in real life believe it or not, love is love is old love...

Laertus: it is so French and i love you and it. Ripley's caused Bumpism...

Dirg: beautiful big tits. come on, man, show ya girl some love!!! kiss kiss kiss? don't just kiss each tit and go straight for the clit! it's not about the pussy, it's not about the wap, it's about dat ass! her HUGE butt! give the worldly magnificent sumptuous Julie Delpy some anal!!!

Dirg: Celine, you should have REALLY NOT LOVED HIM ANYMORE. that would have made for a more interesting movie. more realistic. you should have dumped his skinny ass. you should have divorced him.

Dirg: the scene should have gone down like this:

Celine: i don't love you anymore.

Jesse: you don't mean that.

Celine: yes i do. i want a divorce. 

Jesse: you're just sore that i'm the Chicago Cubs fan in the house and you're stupid White Sox...

Laertus: but that ending is so hopeful...

Eye: don't cry again, dear, my shoulder can't take it...

Laertus: ...you two DO reconcile. and may i say you'd look hot as an 82-year-old gilf, Celine...

Laertus: there's poetry in the ending. you two made the hard direct willful decision to fulfill your dreams and fantasies, it's been hard work, but you wouldn't have it any other way, the OTHER way would have been worse and permanently scarring, living with the eternal pain of regret. this is how it should be, you're OTP, all is right with the world. you WILL be together till the end...this is the thing, this doesn't have to be the end of the trilogy, you can continue making one of these every 9 years and it will be as fresh as ever because we'll be fortunate to have the real lives of Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy provide the stuff for the future scripts...

Eye: Before Hank, coming 2022...

Dirg: and wilful decision. ending should have gone down like this:

Jodie Whittaker: i'm Doctor Who...

Celine: i hate you! you took my role! we were gonna have the first-ever FRENCH DOCTOR WHO!!!...

Celine and Jesse: is life a dream? or is life a memory?……...g'night, folks...fall asleep together in a pretzel on a table in a Greek open-air restaurant under a blanket of stars...

Dirg: with Ye Olde Trip To Jerusalem in the background...

at Galivant's bungalow private tennis court, a pale blue glow the moon blows blankets the sky and the square sweat dripping from chins on the square below:

Galivant: look how i hold the racquet on the other side of the net, mimick me, we're doubles partners, we're twins...

the sky and the corners of the court begin to take on tiny flecks of orange...

Pat: i'm doing it! 

Galivant: as we hit the ball back and forth, anticipate my stroke, anticipate my strike, the velocity angle of where the ball is gonna be, assume the point of your corner, be at that spot beforehand, until we're a well-oiled machine, until we can read each other's thoughts and minds...

the glow begins to take form, it shapes itself into a beam which ricochets off Pat's racquet and shoots in a column in Galivant's face. Galivant lands on the hard grass surface with a thud...

Pat: what happened? i saw your face for the first time, Gali, for the first time under this light...

Pat: ...you had teddy-bear buttons for eyes……...Galivant? OH NO!!!

Galivant has turned into a mannequin...

TMIT: MY NIGHT NYOTAIMORI

1. name a food or drink you could never live without:

tomorrow is grocery day and it's the only day which makes me smile anymore. cos it gets me out of the house. a quick peruse of my laundry list is as follows:

yeah a couple of items have become STAPLES meaning i can't live without them each two weeks:

the chocolate chip cookies by the deli, Frank's green hot sauce, Mocha Mix, brown eggs but only the ones with the brown freckles, the Farmer John thick bacon cos that's the only kind that cooks without it becoming tissue-paper, Pringles but only the long can cos it makes me horny, garbanzo beans but only in the Rick + Morty cans, almond-butter yogurt, Coke with a capital C...

2. name a food or drink you think never should have graced this Earth:

graced is a strong word, isn't the Earth already doomed?

octopus. it's not fair to the octopus. i mean all he was trying to do was teach the schoolkids who are the outcasts of society, those in Class E, delinquents destined to lead meaningless lives as thugs, misfits, party girls at Tsunade's casino, or, worst of all, high-school students...

sure Teach blew up the moon and made it a permanent crescent and threatened to blow up Earth, but, refer back to the beginning of this question. there's more going on here, and i'm sure it's all in the manga i won't read...

3. if you had to choose between licking chocolate from your partner's genitals or taking tequila shots from their navel, which would you choose and why?

tequila shots. cos it seems more fun and less ghastly. the chocolate thing seems like a college hazing. tequila is party food, jello shots, everyone loves jello, at least till the '80s and sweaters. see i never went to one of those cool parties with the jello shots, i only saw such things in teen horror films. plus, navel reminds me of navel oranges. i only eat the rind of the orange, not the pulp. my uncle joined the Navy and never returned...he didn't die, he became the CEO of Old Navy which went under...he only joined the company cos he wanted to provide pants for his lover Donald Duck...

4. if you had to choose between having to eat one Brussel sprout every day or never having coffee again, which would you choose if you had to elaborate or drop out of college:

coffee. i wouldn't be here without coffee. literally. i'd be gone, there'd be another in this space. not even for those Brussel sprouts served by a soldier in a red coat and fuzzy hat like a Heath bar.

but i want that sugary Kyoto coffee. that you can only get in Kyoto. i hear Coke has Fruit Juice Seltzer now, i mean does it matter anymore if your sustenance comes from navel or blood? 

what i'm signaling here is i want to travel to Kyoto. as in i NEED to travel. NOW. i'm getting antsy in my monk cell, gotta break out with seven of my brothers to marry seven brides and go to Vegas. and travel the world. and gallivant the globe. 

fund me, MAKE THIS A TRAVEL BLOG!!!!!!!!!!

5. give us the recipe or at least the name of your favourite cocktail:

daiquiri: the drink of sad writers and stupid teenagers. wink wink, thanks, Archer

BONUS: tell us about your current food fantasy, sexual or otherwise:

body sushi. but instead of sushi i pick up Vanquish pills with my chopsticks...

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ETERNAL ERUPTION

notes: 

* there's Being and Time in pictures. there's being and time in certain pictures. certain photos don't just capture a mood, they capture the start of something. something wonderful and wondrous. if you're ever lucky enough in your life to have a picture taken of you and the person who will become your spouse, when you can actually capture the moment you two met!!! that first hug! that first mutual smile! well, that IS magic. in this picture lies the very time capsule of your ENTIRE life together. the initiate incipient seed of spark, the unique undertaking, right there in the glossy photo. consider yourself lucky whoever TAKES such a picture, you're a witness to history. these very rare photos are alive, ALIVE FOREVER, they move, move spookily, they move in space vibrations, they're a constant monument to the motion of your love waves, what you did in this universe, what you conceived onto this world, what you left unto this rock. all of your plans summed up in a second, right now at the push of a button, static but...a million moments contained in the edges of the photo's future...

* i mean look at Eddie Van Halen. how did he know it was Halloween time soon? he predicted it with the M&Ms bag ripped in his mouth, dude's a wizard!!!

* Slotomania: not a porn

* John Goodman is adorable in ANYTHING...

* life is awesome...but only if you capture it in one singular photo of space and time...

* picking your nose is what the artists did. hey, at least there's toilet paper. the water was soapy but cold. hey it's good that you're wearing a blue glove to do that. at least that was a Martin Yan knife. 

* that's where depression comes from! de-press-ing buttons, pressing heart buttons on your insta all day like a bot...

* you could even win Geordi La Forge's visor as your new car!

* as long as that friend isn't the Jeopardy guy...you don't want to run into him after that NHL season...

* it's like going to Vegas but avoiding getting hurt!!!...

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happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: it's a nice day out finally, there's finally an autumnal chill in the air, when it's hot it's normal-hot, not oppressive smoky hazy gaggy-hot. i shall walk to the place. i have no idea where i'll eat, but it needs to be a mall...

i shall try the new barbecue place that opened up across the street from me. barbecue is spelled BBQ. you gotta try the tritip cos it's in the name. with the hot sauce cos only THIS place has THAT specific sauce. they won't mind if i get in line with the cars in the drivethru, right?...

PENN PAT: RUB THE RING

Novak Djokovic wins the French Open.

nobody applauds. there are a scant few spectators in the stands but these spectators don't applaud.

Novak: you knew this would happen. i got 2020'd along with the rest of you but i bounced back. see i used the appropriate tennis-ball metaphor there. Nadal was so lackadaisical, he thought all he had to do was show up and the red clay trophy was his. FINALLY i beat Nadal at the French Open and fucking WIN something for my troubles!!! you know, instead of getting NOTHING for it.

Nadal: you got lucky, man.

Novak: there is no luck when it comes to you on clay, you're harder than 3 perfect games in a row in baseball. and i've seen your dick.

Novak: i was so MAD, both meanings, even exaggerated like a MadTV Stuart skit, i simply wasn't gonna let myself lose!!! i was so determined to get this cos i was denied the U.S. Open that nobody or no force was gonna deny me. you can't stop a man with will.

Nadal: very Nietzschean.

Novak: and to think, i still had enough fans that were able to harass that poor lineswoman.

Nadal: sick world. yeah you have no friends nor family but everyone has online stalkers...

Molly Q: not associated with any crazy groups. i have crazy fans but who doesn't. the Marlins v. Cubs in 2020, you can't blame Bartman this time, THERE IS NO ONE IN THE STANDS!!!

Rubikon: this stage won't do. you can't keep trying to avoid people, this is getting comical. we must confront each other hard with masks.

Kamala and Pence are divided by a crazy-looking pane of fiberglass:

Kamala: i'm still speaking. this looks like Walmart, of which their Union is voting for me.

President Bump: i mean why is this plastic wall higher than my Wall?...

Pence: excuse me, is this a debate or a rodeo? i can still hear the woman talking...

Kamala: i thought you had a booming voice, didn't you used to do radio?

Pence: yes but Christian radio...

Bump: come here, Kamala. it's okay, Mike. where's your nurse outfit, we roleplay in an hour. it's the only way i'm gonna take my medicine. you're the nurse i sent for, right? my butt tastes good, everyone at Mar-a-Lago tells me.

Kamala: your medicine that no one else in the world takes? tell me, how does it taste? your medicine not your stanky ass. i'm not a nurse. i mean i'm not a hooker...

Montel Williams strolls Paris alone, existentializing:

Montel: can you believe what's happened? Kamala once appeared as my date for an MTV Awards show back when that was a thing, i remember she wore a thin pink dress, NOBODY had any clue who she was, she had to say her unusual name Kamala into the microphone and all the reporters promptly mispronounced it when they were prompted. she was invisible, part of the wallpaper. who knew she'd be so close to the top of the mountain now? i'm not jealous, i'm happy for her. really. just wish i had a psychic by my side who would have told me this was gonna happen...

Mardith: don't drink it away, smoke it away, pray it away, fuck it away. instead, sit with your feelings. sit down and really feel what's going on inside you, actually FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. 

Dirg: even if that means me getting into a pizza panic? you're teaching me so many things, those who can't act, podcast...

i got the perfect tagline for your radio show: JOIN US!!!...…...ON YOUTUBE!!! like the old concert films used to do. are you ever gonna do a book-signing ever again?

Mardith: i will be in person again. i will experience live music again. i will dance barefoot in the grass of the Monterey Jazz Festival again, or i shall surrender my young hipster card. 

Dirg: ...you know, i'm really liking this yoga thing...…...now. who knew? white women this cycle, the recruiting of the white unicorn...

Drew Barrymore and Tom Green are strolling around Paris together:

Tom: i'm happy for you, Drew. really. you know, it may seem that i laugh everything off in my Canadian way. it's all just a Data stifled laugh and on to the lumberjack. but i have feelings, too, Drew. i feel feelings deeply, that's why i became a comedian for fuck sake. i mean you met my parents and everything i know that was all filmed and you're suspicious of being filmed but anyway Seine water under the bridge. behind this grizzled beardy chin is a boy who cried when you left.

Drew: i feel bad for Wolfie. no, i honor you, i really do. you know how you know? Ellen hates my guts, that's the sign that i'm good. but i can't MARRY THE WORLD now can i? even though i honor everyone in it. we were two crazy kids who had no idea, like that song from John McEnroe's wife...

Tom: if i could, i would have used the tears i cried to put out that fire. this is a very interesting psychiatric case study, a psychological dilemma, with me as the man-rat. i mean how would you feel if you had to suddenly confront your past like this like i had to do? the ex you haven't seen in 45 years and it ALL comes flooding back. the bad feelings. and you have to get away in a van.

Drew: yeah is it cool if we share the same van? cost gas is insanely covid-inflated. there was a lot of unspoken pain in our silences. but that's perfect when we ride a van together, the silence won't be awkward anymore...

Tom hugs Drew.

Tom: i wish we could stay like this forever.

Drew: but who would do the show?

Tom: your show?

Drew: no i'm on SNL now...

Boc: it doesn't get any better than a sky that's overcast, with a high of 60, and the air quality's good...

it's a mood to water the lawns under a grey sky...

Mick Fleetwood waters the nearby grass court with his cranberry juice and smiles...

Mick: sorry mate, i'm afeared i had a little too much to drink tonight...

Serano: hey, no peeing in public!

Mick: i'm rattlin' me bones tonite

Serano: oh excuse me Mr. Mick, i didn't see you there in the shadow, please pee wherever you want...

Venus Skylace---Venus Williams's little-known sister---and Sour Queen join the Orchid Girls by stepping their heels into the newest locale on the island, the island's first-ever Doll Hut.

Serano: the three of them guard their privacy like a smuckered key...

Dirg: you mean hideout. this place is getting swanky! you know for years i thought the Doll Hut was a strip club, not a hardcore club...…...hardcore punk...

Laertus: the place where the walls are all tatted up with tiny skateboard stickers...

Takahashi rams his ragtop into a puddle cloud...

Takahashi: high. i'm experiencing a high.

Dirg: steroids is a helluva drug...

cat familiars: why is everyone naming their frickin' cat Lucifer!!?

Codrus smiles. his smile is the ellipsis of a tennis ball...

Tyzik: yeah i know.

Laertus: Soderbergh has that Swedish director in him, has that Ingmar Bergman in him for an American...

Dirg: the Kings Hawaiian commercial is creepy. what's in the box that delivery man is smiling about? his dick?

Dirg: the Progressive twirly sign guy. this commercial is SO unrealistic! this spazz who needed his daddy two commercials ago is now shacking up with the hot Indian babe from GLOW?!!!

Eye Luggage: you're glowing red from jealousy. it's nice that the Obec Mental Health building is next to the 7-Eleven...

Takahashi: i go to the Ivy League 7-Eleven in Obec. you know, the one whose bricks are completely covered with a beautiful dark-green emerald blanket of ivy...

Jolie Holland: Orchid Girls?...

Dirg: you sound like Bjork...

Dirg: here, take this potatoware. film yourself on a potato and post it. get yoself a boba tea with those bigass straws...

Takahashi: i drove down to Cochagua. to the stands. by the sidewalk. they still print newspapers?

Dirg: sure, they need somewhere to still print 3-panel comics...

Dirg: i did a rain dance......i masturbated...

Dirg: you know you've made it when your backyard is in your living room...

Dirg at Madame Zuzu's tea shoppe:

Dirg: alfajor? just another unnecessarily-fancy name for cookie.

Madame Pons: whatever you do, girl, don't exercise together with him!!! it's not what you think!

Mardith: oh, so we won't be doing dumbbells together?

Pons: oh you'll be doing a dumbbell!

the crones are at The Store:

Doryce: i don't have enough for five cups of cottage cheese, dear, lend me a dolla?

Gladyce: now i won't have enough for my roast sandwich. but here's your dollar.

Doryce: spit-roast is the best. i didn't read the label and got one pineapple instead of plain. but i love pineapple, it aids in the production of cum.

when they get home, Doryce tries the pineapple one and doesn't like it...

Doryce: i like pineapple. just not pineapple cottage cheese...

Takahashi: it's amazing, the more i travel around the world the more i notice every town's the same. every town has a bridge in it that looks exactly like the Golden Gate Bridge...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: Before Sunset and go...wait, is this deja vu?

Eye: no that's the last film. the third film. and there's only one mic here, don't use your stupid lapel mics. there's one big long thick microphone that only i hold cos it's my show. my debate. and yes, i use the mic at the aftershow for my vibrator...

Dirg slaps Laertus on the back.

Dirg: not much of a memorable performer, aye mate?

Laertus: so yeah. let me just say: i'm in love with Richard Linklater. top two directors of all time. after Ingmar natch. i love this guy's vibe so much. i want to write like him. the only script that matters is two people talking about life, those are the only films which matter. i am a fan of this trilogy than i ever was with Star Wars. i got the Before Trilogy green puppet. i bought the hat, i have a Before Trilogy hat. that i wear. it's black. i can finally wear hats again...  

Pat: before you get in a pizza panic, i have something to admit...i ate all the...i'm a nervous eater...

Jerry Seinfeld on 60 Minutes: SEINFELD OPENING!!! i knew i loved movies about people falling in and out of love with a concept and with a conceit...

Serano and Ryan Seacrest: we know that boat at the beginning!!!

Laertus: same boat, nice touch. is this where the tears come?

Dirg: okay see, THIS one is set in France. and the next one's in Greece, right?...

Laertus: this is funny. you see Ethan Hawke rambling off and on about his hot and cold ideas about various ideas for stories to publish? see that's just Linklater himself brainstorming. i love this concept he has of a life inside the three minutes of a pop song. he should call it

Hemingway Fucks Britney Spears

Cotard: huh. a lifetime inside a molecule of time, a space where ALL time is EVERY time, where everything that's happened in a life is occurring at the SAME time, all at once forever. yeah, my brother had his evil hand in creating this, making life this way...

Laertus: i would have been so floored seeing Celine again through that window i'd fall back in my chair and hit my head on the hipster skateboard-stickered wall.

Dirg: oh no, this is REAL. no dreams, please!!!

Eye: still gotta contend with the mirror...

Laertus: real bookstores and cafes in Paris by the way. this was all shot in one shot, one continuous shot. and it takes place in real time, it's like one of those 24 episodes...  

Laertus: also, this film is COMPLETELY improvised, the entire thing...

Dirg: wow! who knew actors could write?! Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy should just become fulltime writers in Hollywood. write the next Star Trek series so it's good. and not animated!!!...

Dirg: why is it Hawke btw? why isn't it just Ethan Hawk, why the e?

Laertus: Linklater smartly used a female scribe for the first film to get a female voice in there. otherwise the first film would have been a creepy guy on a train. this second film is a vessel to fucking escape reality. 

Boc: into fucking reality. the man is saddled with a wife and kid and Julie is in a convenient artist photog relationship.

Pat: it's all a little too pat.

Boc: it's too realistic. we need them out of their relationships. WE NEED THESE TWO TOGETHER!!!

Laertus: wish fulfillment is a helluva drug.

Boc: when you make the man have a son, you make the man permanent.

Ryan Seacrest: hopefully...

Boc and Ryan are at the craps table together but see past each other as they each talk to the wall...

Dirg: actually it's more realistic this way. Ethan is a dad so when he inevitably eventually drops everything for quote "love" that's what happens with EVERY divorced dad who needs that next piece of new ass and destroys his first family that he soons forgets even existed anymore. not that i'm speaking from experience with my dad. my dad doesn't know my name...

Dirg: poor Hank, it's not his fault that he was born. the kid becomes collateral damage in a neverending back-and-forth war......between the head and the heart. a back-and-forth froth war. the pursuit of love destroys families...

Eye: nah, that one unique fated once-in-a-lifetime blink-and-you'll-miss-it love of regret and recrimination is worth EVERYTHING. even death. especially death. right, honey?

Laertus gulps.

Laertus: the only pacts i make are peace pacts.

Billy Corgan: like my spark...

Dirg: what would you do if you had a second chance to get the one that got away?...

Tyzik: ask the Liberty Mutual guy with the emu...

Laertus: it must be hard to be the subject of a bestselling book. you can't hide anymore, you can't be anonymous. OKAY AGAIN WITH THIS??! SERIOUSLY!!? Ethan again has to be somewhere because...why? he has to catch a flight, but...fucking reuniting with your goddamn soul mate after nine years, how about you drop your LIFE and be with her forever!!!

Eye: send Neale Donald Walsch in your stead on that plane... 

Dirg: Freedom Fries? seriously? 9/11, we hardly knew ye. they talk of Communism in such a quaint way...

Eye: it's funny how they talk in each film about how the world is going to shit. they have no IDEA what awaits the world in 2016...which caused 2020... 

Dirg: it's really bad now. i'm moving to France...

Dirg: is Ethan Hawke supposed to look anorexic in this? starving artist?

Eye: he was freshly going through his divorce from Uma at the time. which is what this film is about...

Dirg: and break out the cigarettes to make this TRULY a French existentialist film...had no idea either of them smoked...

Cotard: again with the monks scene. this is true, Buddhist monks are horny like that. the man i strolled with that night was a Buddhist monk who sucked my cock when we returned to the monastery...

Dirg: what would you rather do?: read Thomas Merton at Thunderbird bookshop or fuck Julie Delpy?...

Laertus: OF COURSE he wrote the book as a Hail-Mary to see if he could find her again somewhere on this vast globe. 

Pat cries and sings about Fievel.

Laertus: ...that's what guys do! Ethan Hawke has no interest in fame!

Dirg: this is why i'm an artist...to get girls…to find girls again...

Laertus: *pats Dirg on the shoulder* trying to be, buddy. i feel the hurt here. the pain of loss and what-could-have-been. you wonder, what if you had made the right decision at the right moment, everything would be different now.

Dirg: first time hearing his last name?

Eye: i don't like her argument. she claims they shouldn't have gotten together cos they would have ended up hating each other in time. i mean you can't LIVE like that. where you think to yourself, well, EVENTUALLY this is all gonna fall apart so why even start? i mean if you thought like that there would be no NOTHING: no love, no war, no life, no work, no art.

Dirg: no divorce.

Laertus: just dreams. which is what this is. except it's real, all too real.

Dirg: oh no, Celine intimates that this is all the dream of a dying woman on her deathbed overlooking Notre Dame Cathedral by the river...her grandmother perhaps?...

Laertus: and the river of fire. another irony, they talk of Notre Dame Cathedral as this strong symbol statuary of everlasting resilience. not knowing the dark chapter in store for the poor chapel...

Cotard sighs.

Laertus: he so wants to fuck her, he's not even listening tlo her when she talks of S&M terms or that she has probably thought of suicide.

 

Dirg: if only she had done her environmentalisming better we wouldn't be in this mess! i dunno, i think this bipolar bitch is a nightmare. not worth it. i mean she DID stand him up! the great train robbery! at the end of the first film, the supposed overture of righteous romance that was supposed to be consummated...never even happened!!!

Eye: four years, promises kept. uh, five years, right?...

Laertus: poor Jesse. see? he SHOULD have written her. always write letters to your soul mate even if they never get returned. i mean dude ends up becoming a WRITER out of all this!!!

Laertus: brilliant scene in the back of the cab, Julie reaches for Ethan but pulls back, Ethan reaches for Julie but pulls back, this was the sequel's version of the first film's Telephone Game...

Dirg: okay that quaint cobblestone courtyard, there are no roads out of it, RUN ETHAN RUN while you still have a chance!!! those two are Julie Delpy's real-life father and mother. but i know what's really going on: that is really Julie's grandmother. see? she lied about the funeral, another female trick to entrap a man.

Dirg: oh come on! that waltz on Julie's guitar is cheesy as fuck! who wrote this? Billy Corgan?

Eye Luggage: notice how Ethan rubs his wedding ring. sign that he's ready to forget his past and embrace his present, a beautiful blonde French girl dancing in front of him...

Laertus: wow, i didn't notice that! nice catch, babe. my smart sex kitten of pure love rained down from the heavens of the celestial galaxy, permanent and fated.

Eye blushes on top of her pallid goth makeup.

Dirg: oh god will you two get married already so i don't have to see you like this anymore? in perpetual miami heat? marriage will cool you two down and off. congrats, pal, you finally had sex.

Laertus: this ending is the most beautiful ending ever committed to film, it's so beautiful sensual and hopeful. sexy without any clothes coming off. that he found her again after all these years, against all odds. that they are gonna consummate and consecrate their relationship properly, what they should have done all those years ago, that the right just path is gonna be taken. that true love wins out and waits out. despite everything against them, needle in a haystack, these two crazy kids, they find each other again. AND YES, DUMMY, FINALLY!!! you don't have to catch that flight! it's not that important!!! it's so beautiful. it's so so beautiful.

Laertus begins to cry. he cries on Eye's shoulder. Eye hugs Laertus.

Eye: better "I Know" than Han Solo...

Dirg: isn't it a little convenient that he HAPPENS to find the Nina Simone CD there? not saying he broke into her apartment and planted it there, but. you can tell this French commie's gonna be a handful. and i'm not talking about her skinny-white-girl butt. standards were relaxed ever since the French Revolution and the world has gone to shit. can a white woman talk credibly about a black woman's butt? the way she mimicks Nina's voice, very disrespectful. cultural appropriation up the wazoo butt. g'night, folks.

Galivant and Pat stroll around Paris together. stroll around specifically the French Open courts:

Galivant: nice. i want you to slowly stroll around every clay court in this complex. feel.

Pat: i feel dirt sinking into my toenails...

Galivant: feel. feel it. feel the uncomfortableness. see? you're slowly getting used to moving around in this quicksand...

later that night, in an open-air French Open night match, Pat defeats Danielle Collins.

Pat: i never wanted this. i'm not against college! i'm all for higher education! college education. did you know i went to Princeton?...