WE CAN'T AGREE ON BAGELS?

notes:

* PICTURED ABOVE: teachers getting ready for Fall.

that Joker joke courtesy of Instagram this week...sometimes it pulls through...caption tho...

* wait so this addresses the conspiracy, except there is no conspiracy. i let tv and film be my guide, not the internet. like that recent SVU episode which addressed this...oh yeah, but, now i'm not into SVU anymore...in fact was NEVER into SVU, just watched it cos it was the last Law & Order ember left...don't want to get sucked into the new Meloni show and have that be my new religious experience going forward week-to-week...

* in this case it's really not tongue-shaped provolone, it's cocaine balls. El Chapo kept the Chapo contraband in his socks, his socks fluffed out into perfect little balls by his bed. the local villagers would often comment on how laundered the man always was about town. this was the only town in Mexico not with a town drunk in the one-cell stone jail, not a drop of alcohol was permitted on the premises thanks to Chapo... 

* clowns: silly or scary? that's a feint, a red herring, that's dodging the issue!

* clown 2: i'm not the scary one, i got a black balloon...

* back in the '70s Chuck E Cheese himself extended his paw no when asked if his establishment needed clowns for a party atmosphere:

Chuck: people say it's creepy enough in here, i say it's just a lot of insulation fluff in the air-vents, keeps the place hot for the pizzas to cook.

Charles Barkley: i can attest, i had a pizza near here once...

* clown 1: do you want a hug?

clown 2:

me: i swear i thought he gave him the middle finger...

* remember when bagel bites were CRAZY popular in the '80s? the talk of the town along ZIMA. see they were the new thing at AYSO jug breaks and Chuck E Cheese pizza parties. and your dad's corporate meeting at the Indio timeshare for that matter. this was the new thing that finally fit in the microwave, this was all the RAGE, people couldn't believe it! nobody had ever combined these two things before! The Bagel Bakery owes its very existence to that first party animal who created these and then skydived off the slope of the Bob's Big Boy statue's hair. that's the only statue which remains standing today...

* Kamala Harris: he was an albatross around my neck.

Willie Brown: you'd have to ask her.

that is such a Willie Brown answer, i love Willie Brown, i love Willie Brown so much, that's MY mayor, my mayor...of my second city...my adopted city...

* Montel Williams: on the next my show, we'll have Sylvia Browne...

Kamala: dear, nah, bad idea, she has some startling warnings about this coming election...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: ……...i forgot...…...i can't remember……...

IT'S TOO HOT!!! IT'S TOO DAMN HOT!!! I'M DYING IN THE INNER CITY!!! I'M DYING IN THE SUBURBS!!!

my whole house is covered every window with closed drapes. this is not what an aspiring actor wants to see everywhere in front of his face, the curtains drawn on him...

i need to start gallivanting the globe with my special someone. my world woman! first stop, PLEASE first stop: that Iceland pond that's a big bathtub with the cold mud...

SAX, PLAY US OUT: RED ROBIN

Boc: second week, or month, watering the lawn that's the roof of this apartment building. and i must say i'm getting my groove. it really calms me. this was a particular week in need of a calm balm.

Germane: or calm bomb?

Boc: both work. i think it's cos i feel like God out there. i mean this week it didn't rain, right?

Germane: didn't feel anything on my head...

Boc: right. terrible news for our poor lawn up there in the catdog days of summer with no wet sustenance, not so much our lawn as our dirt, except IT DID RAIN!!! cos I MADE IT RAIN!!! by deluging that area with 30-minutes'-worth of hose i really did make the clouds open...in that one particular square area, nowhere else in the city. no radar caught it but IT RAINED!!!

Jim Cantore: i admit your powers exceed mine. i need an Excedrin for my bald head.

Germane: oh yeah, just so you know, just to make your time up there easier, there are TWO hose circle-crutches, you know that, right? i placed them there with a bolt. one on the other end so you don't have to be pulling that long green snake of a hose around to the other side to wet the other side of the lawn way up there in the corner and get the hose tangled in a pigeon nest. 

Vacc: why don't you just get that hose from that Home Improvement guy...the good one... 

Boc: oh, well, um, thanks, i think. yeah it's useless cos i'm not gonna deattach and reattach the hose to the other pipe on the other side. there's still only one hose. once it gets green again our roof lawn will make a grand golf course!

Doryce: that golf tho, boy! from our neighbor in Berkeley. how exciting! we here down in Obec need some good news...

President Bump: see? like a true cowboy hoss he went to business school for years, four years, so he could count his money now...…...oh wait he's from Berkeley? screw it, forget what i just said.

James Holzhauer: it really does suck that there's no new Jeopardy. i'm listing out here, i'm losing my shine. i'm quickly becoming not the most important Las Vegas person.

Bob Harris: i was Ken Jennings before Ken Jennings...

Andy Roddick: hey Bob? can you help me get a job?

Rubikon: so my day job is as the black guy from those Colonial Penn commercials. don't worry, i'm raising hell and money at night. i'm such a good fundraiser people are telling me to run myself.

Dirg: i mean it's online fundraising so...

Rubikon: i mean i really don't want to be doing the Colonial Penn stuff but......poor Alex...

Dirg: what are you talking about? the guy from Berkeley who saved himself and his entire local community by ordering and making himself a very strange-toppinged pizza?

Doryce: how do you throw away a knife?

Dirg: is this the punchline to a joke or have you confessed to a murder?

Gladyce: cover the blade in brown paper and vinegar, dear, like Jill did for poor Jack's head...

Laertus: i do it the environmental way. separate the blade and shaft from the grip handle. hopefully the blade is small enough to fit through the lip of the plastic soda bottle. there, it can safely be packed in the bin for recycling.

Gladyce: oh don't show that bottle to me, dear!!! i'm getting the vapors!!! i had a HORRIBLE experience with my last glass bottle. something i thought i'd never experience in my long life. i'm off coffee forever, i'm sticking with tea, i'm feeling my age. got one of those yellow Frappuccino bottles from The Store, the almondmilk and milk...

Eye Luggage: vanilla vodka...

Gladyce: and it did NOT taste like coffee! it tasted like fucking BATTERY ACID!!! couldn't help it, i swallowed one gulp before i realized and threw the bottle in the sink shredding it to a million pieces and droplets. i couldn't believe the foreign substance in my mouth...

Doryce: *raises her hand*

Doryce: with great swallow cums great responsibility...

Gladyce: i checked the cap on the bottleneck. it was tampered with, it had a crack.

Doryce: crack is whack.

Laertus: what were you doing to put yourself and your precious spelling fingers in such a dangerous precarious situation, my sweet?

Doryce: well i microwaved the Stouffer's french-bread pepperoni pizza sliders that look like giant tongues that's why i love their shape. they harden very quickly when you don't oven them. i was cutting the pizza with that small knife. there was some blood but i just sucked my thumb for an hour and all that blood entered my system and made me whole again.

Gladyce: later we went to Sherwood Dam, for some 720 gleaming the cube.

Friar Tuck: and i finally fucked Maid Marian.

Tuck and Cotard high-five under their robes and also pass Tucks medicated pads under their robes. 

Dirg: YOU CHERK!!!

Peggy Ahwesh: that's racist slang for Cherokee.

Takahashi: not the car.

Peggy: do i look like a clerk to you? kindly direct me to Orchid Girls. i'm filling in their position of permanent engineer. i'm gonna be their nuts n bolts, their glue. 

Dirg: please stop i can't...

Peggy Ahwesh: most importantly i'm gonna be their Robot Chicken animatronic puppetmaster for their demonstrations! i'm gonna be their builder, a real builder! that show will NEVER go off the air!!!

Boc: wash over me like wash...

Dirg: i mean….why air all the episodes of Bubblegum Crisis Tokyo 2040, broadcast each and every one...except the last two?...you stop airing it with two episodes to go?...obviously the MOST important episodes of the series?...

Takahashi: i loved how they explained God. God is the eternal cycle, the eternal back-and-forth, of KNOWING you are All That Is And Is Not and EXPERIENCING the All That Is And Is Not.

Madame Pons: if i was any kind of playa i'd use my LUSH soaps in my backyard jacuzzi i'd build in the backyard lawn of The Treehouse.

Germane: seems like a fire hazard but what do i know.

Boc: i could help you with that.

Madame Pons: the soaps would dissolve on contact of course but it's the thought that counts. creation takes but a second of time...

Michael Weiss at the elevator: enough with the "thanks for sharing" comments on Instagram art posts!!!

Pat: i brought Duzan!!!

Cotard: *tongue open* with stracchino?!!!

Mardith: i'll drink anything with coffee in it...even whiskey...

Takahashi: Sonic Drive-In looks like a gas station...

Germane: no one ever experiences the day. a day. the true day. cos no one ever experiences morning, everyone gets up at noon...

Mardith: it's time for your Lion's Gate Portal...

Dirg: didn't that film studio go under?

Vacc: Australia is the new Santa Monica Sundance. just look at YOLO Crystal Fantasy.

Mardith: thankssssssssss

Germane: when you get older, you don't want to go to Disneyland anymore, all you want is a nice place to eat...

Dirg: i know a good bagel shop...

Germane: restaurant...

Tyzik: the Bagel Bites clown commercial is the closest annoying adult-swim facebookers will ever get to new Metalocalypse. 

  

Madame Pons: should i go with the jelly shoes or the Mary Jane shoes for my zoom date?...

Dirg in a Spider-Man cowl: great! now my girlfriend can climb walls like me!

Stan Lee: i'm okay with this.

Dirg: always weird when you wish happy birthday to a stranger's kid on Instagram...

Cotard: i'm scared of sleeping during the day...

Takahashi: auctions scare me. i don't smoke, but i want that amber '70s McDonald's ashtray!

Eye: i love when we inject culture into our group nights. binging PBS.

Laertus: all these shows are filmed right up the street in San Francisco.

Dirg: Saugerties? too sugary.

Eye: i am so bad. i know i shouldn't like gossip this much and this type goes against type and my type but i hoard Private Eye magazine under my bed......

Laertus: *gasps breathily loudly* WUT. i shant ever sleep with you again. i see you've left the Emergence Magazines i sent you untouched, in their original shrinkwrap. you didn't even have the decency to use it as litter for the cat familiars.

Eye: i don't trust magazines that are that grey. why is pizza the adult birthday cake now tho?

Cotard: can i lick your lick?

Tyzik: I brought the perfect food for our discussion tonight, ME. scungilli. looks like a human ear.

Dirg: great. no matter how hard i try i can never get around reading Lord of the Flies...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: Cristin Milioti...she's The Mother of How I Met Your Mother.

Eye: NO WONDER i had no idea what she looked like!

Tyzik: her name sounds like a scone. 

Eye: Blue Velvet and go...

Dirg: off the bat...WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!!!!!!!!!???

Laertus: i had a similar reaction at first but i took a day with it. see this was really David Lynch's first foray into doing...David Lynch. like all of his trademarks that we now know and come to love he tried for the first time in this film, so i can imagine wondering what the fuck an innocent audience is watching cos this stuff is being tried for the first time. this is the type of film that will never be appreciated at surface-level upon its release, it needs to be analyzed 40 years after the fact. 

Dirg: you saying there are no such things as one-day cults? good to know...ahem...announcement...

Billy Corgan: Lynch likes Bump the way i like Bump...

Eye: off the bat for me...right from the start...the red curtain...or the blue fuzzy suede curtain...LOVE the music that starts off the piece, music is the one thing i remember instantly from this, it's the dominating feature, it's so fascinating here. it's this thing where David Lynch has the music for this world BE movie-soundtracks but all the pieces SOUND LIKE movie-soundtrack background music from 1940 noir films, the gritty dark underbelly, the mood music, the ominous underpinnings...

Rubikon: the black underbelly of Reagan America...

Laertus: and yet, strangely, or perhaps i should say Lynchian, David Lynch admired Reagan.

Portishead: Lynch back then is what we sound like NOW...

Dirg: i mean this thing is weird. weird even for me. wait, the flowers at the beginning, are they red and then they turn blue at the end with the picket fence? i think i missed that. like, the ear in the field. and the cockroaches, it's just weird. 

Boc: not gonna lie, i had a heart attack watching the father have a heart attack watering his lawn.

Eye: it adds an extra layer when you realize at the time ALL of these actors were unknowns. so audiences would be watching these complete no-names talk their way through this bizarre script and say to themselves, as they scratched their heads, this is art. we gotta talk about Isabella Rossellini.

Dirg: you mean Ingrid's kid?

Larry King: i get confused, i think she's Dorothy Gale's kid.

Eye: there is to this day still much consternation that Isabella was exploited for this film. as Ebert said, if you're gonna make an actress be nude the whole of a film, do it in service of a great film, which this is not.

Dirg: is exploiting your wife an actual thing tho? 

Laertus: well again, experimental at the start, in the Library of Congress ultimately. wish Congress would do their job.

Marion Stokes: get your act together before it's too late!!!...

Dirg: the fellate scene, weird. like you see Kyle's butt and it moves imperceptibly bouncy but you don't really see the motions of a woman fellating, even offscreen. where're the JUICY LIPS!!! they should have watched more porn to prepare.

Dirg: not hating, but was Isabella supposed to be singing the torch song badly?

Laertus: sorry but Dennis Hopper is WAY over-the-top here that it dissolves into mediocrity.

Codrus: my mind is dissolving...

Laertus: i know Dennis Hopper only has the ham switch when he acts anything, he can only ever act hammily, but this supposed psychopath is so pathetic in his insecurities and sexual proclivities and taboos it comes off as silly or worse, stupid. unbelievable that a man of his stature---and i'm not talking about his height---would command the respect he does. he'd have earned my respect if he came on stage with a thumb in his mouth and a bonnet on his head...

Larry King: the scene with the Quantum Leap man with the girly makeup holding MY microphone! trying to do a little ditty a little vaudeville song n dance number. NO THANKS!!! doesn't come off as iconic as the producers wanted. tho the staging here is fascinating, very Wes Anderson blocking. 

Dirg: clown makeup thank you very much, manly like The Joker. who knew Larry needed a job? Megan Mullally was supposed to have Laura Dern's job. at least it would have made this thing funny. oh god that tortured expression from Laura Dern when she finds out squeaky-clean dude is cheating on her, HILARIOUS. 

Eye: deliberate, soap operas are the best. i hate all beer, i hate the taste of ALL beer! yuck! *sticks her tongue out* gag me with a spoon...…...Laertus...

Dirg: what's with the exterminator and the tin-can thermos. what you got in there? Powerade? don't do it, Kyle! once you show a naked woman the back of your hand you can never go back. even tho it feels good. oh why'd you have to ruin it by man-crying? do it for the children, Kyle, save the children!!! 

Takahashi: okay now that we have the script in our hands we have to think very specifically about how this film would have been different if the lead man was different. imagine if you will, friends, Blue Velvet starring Pee-wee Herman...…...Blue Velvet starring Benicio del Toro...

Dirg: you know where Red Robin restaurants got ther YUM sound? that's the sound of David Lynch when he enters another hole...

Dirg: the red robins don't turn blue at the end, right?

Laertus: such a shame. the Johnny Rockets in Encino would have made the PERFECT place to promote this film in the '80s...

Dirg: Perfect Blue. where was the Pointer sister in this?, we need representation. now we know where X-Files stole their aesthetic from. it would have been more visually-pleasing at the end there if they used a knife instead of a gun...

Eye: i did get a chuckle when Isabella throws off her wig...

Dirg: somebody's gotta fix the lighting on set. so this is the town where the lumberjack on paper towels comes from, right? 

Eye: there is no Pulp if there is no Lynch, the band or the Orangina. hardcore drinks. "In Dreams" by Roy Orbison, the only industrial country song, Trent Reznor got a lot out of it when he heard it the first time. galactic. layers upon layers of lyric meaning. Dennis Hopper was just hopping mad cos he can't sing.

Dirg: now i know how to combat bullies: keep a naked woman on your porch for emergencies...

Eye: i knew that "hey babe" from the car at the beginning would come back later, women know about these things. the film's script falls apart if this is set in a world with GPS.

Laertus: well there was Star Wars satellites by this time. hurricane radar. young adults broadcasted their first sexual experiences with walkie-talkies...

Dirg: scary encounters in the dark...

Laertus: it's a strange world ain't it. yes. yes it is. it sure is. but i wish i had dreams like these Lynchian dreams, would make me appreciate the world we're in more. 

Dirg: good to see mother and son reunited. now let's all go to Maury...

Vincent van Gogh: Blue Velvet, not a biopic about me. g'night, folks...

Putin is on the phone with President Bump:

Putin: so what do you think of Kamala?

Bump: she's a bitch. but i think everyone's a bitch.

Putin: no, the wrestler. you know WE had an arm in dealing his death.

Jada: call me a bitch to my face, prez. your Presidential desk will become a circle. you won't know what hit ya, i'll slap you upside the head your bigass head with such a quickness Bruce Lee will go blind. my cornrows act as a deep whip.  

Eye: as Kamala was speaking at that podium, i was envisioning her on top of the ticket...

Joe Biden: before i start talking...Black Lives Matter...

Eye: my mother tells me every Sunday how Sundays were for her as a little girl...lazy summer Sunday afternoons...watching MTV...the real '80s MTV...when you cried when summers were gone...now Sumner is gone...

Doryce: yep, Kamala Harris, just what this country needs. from our neighbor to the north. Berkeley. just what Obec needs. a calm balm. a calm bomb. a dos. a dose. to douse the flames. to dowse for new water. see? this is how you do it.

Boc: thanks.

Doryce: to divine something good... 

TMIT: ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS OIL

now that's watercolor

oil's well that ends oil

i was gonna go with Oil That And A Bag Of Bips and then riff on the word yips in celebration of Cal taking home the PGA, but...

i am so proud of my Cal Golf Team. i was never golf, always tennis, and yet i feel a deep connection. despite not graduating. i miss my true homes so much! i need to get back there! my Van Nuyses, my Encinos, my Berkeleys. Alvarado Street IS the Telegraph Avenue of Central! 

1. how do you know if you are connecting with another person? they unblock me

2. to be beautiful means...

...ask John Mayer. remember? he had that one tweet that was like the best tweet John Mayer ever did where he was riffing searching for a lyric and he came up with this thing about how like a girl the girl that is most beautiful is the one who thinks she's not beautiful or something like that

3. do you spend a lot of time keeping up with what is going on?

i wish i didn't have to but i do. research. research for my stories...

4. true or false: you feel that your friends have more rewarding experiences in their lives than you.

true. but remember, Instagram's not real.

5. during covid19 pandemic do you feel more swamped  by your responsibilities than before the pandemic? before it was easy. before 9/11 i mean. Macy Gray's "I Try" was the last song for all of us, the last time we would breathe in the clean fresh street air of the Age of Halcyon Innocence. let it wash over us like a warm draped hotelroom highrise-suite lightbulb. before the world began its steady decline from which it will never trend upwards again. now there are too many things to remember. i have to keep remembering that John Mulaney's true passion was always music and that's why he's the lead singer of fun today. i have to keep remembering to feed Swamp Thing now, before the rona i just let him eat me.    

BONUS: what's on your mind?

this thing's never gonna end huh...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

CUP OF CHARLIE

notes:

* have you scrolled a youtube comments section lately? white people are TERRIFIED of not being at the top of the totem pole on Earth anymore. they are spazzing out, they can't psychologically handle it that they're not the big race anymore. everything in the world is a deep Illuminati plot designed specifically to eradicate them. as if they're that special to pay attention to in the first place. but don't worry, they got Jesus and the children on their side. their arguments are the droolings of some Aryan child choking on its pacifier in the foxwoods. here's the kicker: and then they without any guile actually follow stars thinking their against-the-grain alt-right edginess will be attractive to Hollywood actresses and starlets. it is fucking HILARIOUS. and i'm white!

* idiot youtube mob: why didn't fun in their video for "Some Nights" go against the Hollywood grain and have the Confederacy win the Civil War?

Charlie Chaplin: oh i don't know, maybe cos nobody wants to be associated with a loser?

* idiot youtube mob: you're a Nazi sympathizer! and yet somehow you're ALSO a communist!

Phoenix: how's that work?

Charlie: the same way Trump cucks think they're edgy.

* idiot youtube mob: what does this have to do with coffee?

Charlie: you're right, you especially should try tea.

* idiot youtube mob: WE'RE THE REAL HEROES FOR POINTING THIS OUT WHEN NO ONE ELSE WOULD!!!!!!!!!!

* the smog highlights the prettiness of the sunset...

* HBO has transformed Sesame Street into The Birds...

* human beings USED to be like that

* Andre Agassi: my wife and i were having problems in bed. this product saved our marriage! made me blow my top!

Steffi Graf: no, dear, this isn't for Hawaiian cruises...

* female shepherds choose Lavazza.

girl: i was an ordinary girl. in this fucked-up world. but i stepped into a Cult Taco and drank their coffee. suddenly i get an Instagram DM from Skrillex telling me to meet him in Sweden...

* the Earth USED to be able to provide for everyone. 

Bubblegum Crisis girls: please let's not do that again.

Trader Joe: i'm the only outpost on the planet that still sells coffee. we only got the red coffee...

* Mulder: i drank Lavazza and stopped dribbling. so the aliens cleared the cornfields to make huge murals of little girls?

* Scully: where's Sam!!?

* before the cornfields turn to clouds! quick, swim in that pool before the skateboarders get there! get the last mint truck on the lot!

* that black woman should definitely be the new Athena for the Olympics next year...

* so that ALL may fuck! not just the covid-party kids but those freaky grandmothers at Bakers Square!

* Charlie: oh forget it, humans. just learn to fly! start over! on another planet! all the doves have already flown away anyway! 

* make the streets safe for Naked Athena to roam again!

* for all love! even the love of ballet! for pre-Hamilton Lin-Manuel! make Siamese Twins also a dance move!

* Charlie: i've waited all my life! how much longer must i wait! when will humans take the next step! ! AM READY FOR BICENTENNIAL MAN!!!

* Charlie: OKAY! not quite Major Motoko but i like the six-hands human, very Indian.

* not falling foam, actually the brown ash cascading from the erupting volcano...

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happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: just to stick it to historical losers i'm gonna try the neapolitan pizza. it's just like pizza. cept for all the cloves of capers everywhere. cos it was made at a seaside village or something. i'm just in it for the square cheese.   

SAX, PLAY US OUT: IN A WORLD WHERE GRANDPARENTS ARE FORGOTTEN...

Boc: i've been doing some deep thinking lately.

Cotard: that's good...

Germane: sorry don't mean to step on any toes but the question was addressed to me...

Boc: more of an observation. one morning i woke up in this building and i just snapped. but in a good way. i started loving nature again. i got excited at the sight of a hose where the water pressure is too high and it goes crazy flailing up and down a circle path like a catatonic snake who just got its first whiff of freedom air. i like the idea of turning brown green. a lawn that's just a pile of brown dirt turns dark brown with the application of water.

Dirg: whatever you do don't application to any of those Eastern Seaboard colleges, they're useless in life...…...i mean zoom classes don't count, there's no atmosphere...where's the experience, where's the light my fire?...

Takahashi: not in the blue light of an HP laptop... 

Germane: yeah but remember to cover more ground by twisting on the nozzle with all those lovely holes like a cribbage set first to the hose, not after while you're looking at it, you'll just swallow a lot of water and look like an idiot dog. i've already set up the hose on the roof garden, no extra charge on your water bill for helping around the complex.

cat familiars: we use the hose when we garden, but we twist a faucet on it first.

Cotard: reminds me of Nice Guys orange trees circa 1985. i'd water all the ones in a waterfall in the monastery when i was still a novitiate and the monastery was still a RadioShack. what boots are you using? i tried to get mine at the Five Guys mall but they only had women's boots and mens slippers.

Boc: you need boots to do this? eh, i'll just wrap two kitty-litter clear plastic bags around my heels with shoelaces. it's quite meditative out there, the act is brilliantly contemplative, i think i'll stay out there for 30 minutes...

Dirg: OH COME ON!!! THAT IS SO CHEAP!!! you see what they did on one of the last episodes of Bubblegum Crisis 2040? they had the big titan flying statue of the naked woman carved in space stone and milky alabaster hold her arms up in an X to cover her breasts. just show the tits, it's anime, that's what we're here for!!!

Takahashi: that speech tho. reminded me of someone:

what is love? it's that strongest of feelings, that strongest passionate urge and emotion when you have it bad for someone who's taken. you know you should just walk away but you can't...

Madame Pons: *big sigh* there's nothing like a morning dump. clears the chakras.

Mardith: *big sigh* now see this is what i'm talking about, miss. i mean look at your Tinder profile. it says

i want to be alone...

Dirg: see that thing when you start hanging out with a girl on Instagram and then the girl's boyfriend starts following you on Instagram...

Mardith: i see that thing where people photoshop their faces onto Beyonce or Jay-Z for inspiration, to place themselves in their dreams...

Mardith: you need a good video that shows where your priorities lie. what your beliefs and feeling are. of a woman in a red dress barefoot on a beach. and the narrator under her a woman with a man's voice...

Mardith: and a nice quote in your profile.

Pons: be the change you want to see in the world...

Mardith: that's sugar. be the energy you want to attract...

President Bump: holy smokes! Felicia Combs's ass is so stellar she carries not one but TWO phones in each of her ass-cheek jean pockets. Isaias, i mean what the fuck. that is the MOST difficult-to-pronounce hurricane in my army of all time. who comes up with these names, the Mexican drug cartel? i hate when hurricanes are busts, i hate busts in my life...

Pat: so we all had an assignment. get the most unique food or drink item we could find from the craziest out-there local-flavor indie alternative Rasputin store on a hill. here's mine: octopus pot.

Takahashi: mine is not so much a coconut as a car. a new car: meet my Old Glarus!

Dirg: i got jupiter balls at Whole Foods. i checked for bugs in that place first. both kind of bugs.

Takahashi: uh, that's not a food. that's a lawn ornament.

Dirg: this thing where all the youtubers date all the other youtubers...…...it's incesticide!!!...

Ivana Chubbuck: i'm here...…

Dirg: that's very good. who are you supposed to be?

Ivana: i'm the acting coach. kindly direct me to the Orchid Girls headquarters.

Dirg: you mean room. what i wouldn't give to spend the night there. it's right over...

Laertus: *slaps Dirg's fist* yeah don't listen to him anymore. don't ask him for directions, he's a man. over there.

Dirg: great song, great cause.

Dirg: acting, aye? like coronavirus. like love.

Ivana: i won't be swallowing any cum for bucks. i can already tell what you want from your eyes, i'm that empathic.

Dirg: please be my chum chum.

Ivana: i'm not an acting coach, i'm a theatre coach. spelled -re. i plan to be the Old Guard Orchid once the girls get settled in their posts for life. 

Mardith: may i follow you on Instagram?

Ivana: i don't have an Instagram, dear, i have a life.

Mardith: *starry-eyed* that is so cool.

Bump: um...?

Ivana: no.

Halee Mason: Orchid Girls?

Eye: no, Dirg, don't touch her, that's not a gaming chair, she's a scientist...

Pons: i took a morning dump at Whole Foods and let me tell ya. well do you blame me with all that quinoa?! it was so lush. my bottom was in bliss! i swear to you the toilet seat over there is pure naugahyde.

Laertus: America is living in an actual living breathing dystopia right now. not with the dramatic flourishes of 1984, but with the pangs and the aches at the edges.

Dirg: i went to Cult Taco but they wouldn't serve me.

Takahashi: cos you left that harsh google review of them where you accused them of trying to copy Telegraph Avenue.

Dirg: couldn't have been worse than that review i left of the Obec Pipe Shoppe:

i use your products at the graveyard. put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Takahashi: you typed to the bagel kiosk to ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE!!! 

Dirg: yes i did. yes i sure did. of course i did. i mean what's the point of being in a mall!!!?

Cotard: my teen angst lasted forever.

Pons: oh i saw some glisteningly beautiful stained-glass at Prim Brinton's, Tibetan Window Shop, perfect for a tea shop!

Mardith: do you think cute guys like to eat mod podge? i know i do sometimes, i'm obsessed with my weight. wish i weren't but a girl's mind is a beast. i can't get my brain to change the subject.

Dirg: focus on the explosions in the world, girl, not your own.

Vacc: Mardith, invite the man over for some of your cooking, the way to a man's heart is his stomach. i get that all the time from my patients when they don't want to pay my pill bills. organic food suggestions i'm flooded with instead of pills grown in nature.

Mardith: oh i know, that's how girls flirt, they say they'll cook something for him. 

Cotard: what the fuck is wrong with Bevmo!!? i thought it was a place to find rare unique drinks, like Swiss-Chocolate Java-Monster, i'm not here for 19 Crimes!!!

Dirg: go to Home Depot for all your Halloween needs!!!

Dirg: there's no pickle emoji? i coulda sworn there was! 

Takahashi: now how will you document your progress to your Instagram followers?

Dirg: what's this thing where around the globe everyone posts pics of their families all smoking from the same collective hookah?...

Mardith: do you long for the collectivism part or the family part?

Doryce: so? how was it?

Gladyce: heavenly, dear. on the shelf at Trader Jane's! best-tasting noodles i've ever eaten!

Naruto: told ya. ramen, believe it. you know what the secret ingredient is? mustard. put mustard on your noodles. why do you think i have yellow hair?

Gladyce: sauerkraut as a meal?

Doryce: i so would. The Store subliminally makes you buy stuff, there's a gigantic titan-sized pile-stand, a literal hill of beans, baked-bean cans for miles, by the deli. and what's up with all the s'mores stuff? the marshmallows, the skewers, the out-of-almond chocolate bars, the used lighters, I HATE S'MORES!!!

Dirg: i went to the liquid zoo to drown my sorrows. drowned instead.

Mardith, looking askance at the Instagram photos on her scroll: the spirit healer empath down in Miami makes plastic-surgeon money???!!!

Mardith: right guy, wrong situation. see?, we get this feeling, too.

Dirg: roll to me, pretty baby.

Madame Pons: NO DON'T!!!

Gladyce: oh dear, how long do you have to "lightly shake" the Orangina sparkling can?

crones: we went to the Ordway Obec Drug Store for the vaccine.........the Cosentyx vaccine...

Laertus: that place has those weird indoor stone stairs that hit you right in the face as you open the entrance door.  

Gladyce: it's always hard to find in the House cupboard what you just bought the day before that first day back after the grocery haul...

Dirg: sorry but i'm an artist. i won't apologize for that. NO FAIR, MUSTARD DHL VAN!!! you get to blow your horn, you get to sound your backup siren as you back out of a crowded parking lot, not like the rest of us who have to scrimp and save enough space to get the fuck outta there!

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: 12 Oz Mouse, that was a classic line they used. DAMN DAMN DAMN from Good Times.

Daym Drops: contrary to popular belief...

Rubikon: did you see the absolute unfettered genuine not-an-ounce-of-jadedness look on Daym's face when he got not one but TWO Whoppers? 

Naruto: the TOPAZ from Bubblebum Crisis? same as the one from 12 Oz Mouse. i have a crush on Nene...

Eye: Palm Springs and go...

Vanilla Ice: Vanilla Sky, not about me hanging from a rooftop...

Laertus: HAD NO IDEA this would be a time-loop movie. thought it'd be about two frat guys crashing a covid party. i swear when they started to replay the scene i thought i was going crazy, thought the quarantine had finally done me in.

Dirg: Jena Friedman...

Laertus: stop right there. she's the perfect girl for you cos she's the enemy. it would never work out cos she'd challenge you at every turn, every thought, every comeback, every riposte, every skin you wore, every hat you wore. and make jokes about you she'd try out on stage. you'd be her material, you'd be the butt of her success. she will always be too good for you, she's beautiful inside and out.

Dirg: and her little dog, too. i mean Daisy's bartender vest, you know? the new look for covid summer! i just want her to pass me a glass of milk. what's the point of a bartender vest? to catch spilled drinks?

Eye: Cristin Milioti.

Laertus: good to see voice actresses getting their due shine!

Eye: okay but for the whole movie i thought she was Christina Perri.

Dirg: Andy Samberg can act? i mean drama. 

Laertus: my dad has a birthday and Berkeley connection to him. they're birthday boys!

Dirg: when they were around the campfire looking at the stars, what exactly was i supposed to be seeing?

Codrus: Tree of Life titan dinosaurs...

Dirg: see?, there's no love. female infidelity causes earthquakes. ooooh, Tyler Hoechlin, we don't talk about 7th Heaven in polite company... 

Eye: it's not the shower, it's the eyes...

Dirg: he makes me howl, but i blame him for the baseball season ending. J.K. Simmons.

Laertus: everybody's got an Irvine. that's where Spider-Man finally melted...

Dirg: ...when he took off his mask to play the kettle drum...

Eye: Jacqueline Obradors!!! MAMACITA!!! where have you been my bodacious babe! since everyone now turns in their police badge and shuns their cop past...

Dirg: motorcycling hog gilfs make the best lovers. cos they're seasoned, they're experienced. squibs are those insects that glide along the surface of a pond. fuck all you nerds!!! i knew Clifford V. Johnson BEFORE this film!!!

Eye: Conner O'Malley, who knew? and of couse he HAD to mention Michigan...

Vanilla Ice: i'd rather watch Bill Murray have a drinking problem. g'night, folks.

Boc: got a paring knife in an envelope addressed to me slipped under my door?

Germane: no that was a letter-opener.

Boc: i'm on the edge all the time.

Germane: don't waste water.

Boc: but it's meditative...you lose yourself...sense of time goes out the window...

Germane: speaking of, don't stay too long up there cos the neighborhood kids below will start to think you're peeing on their heads...

TMIT: CHATTING UP GRACE CHATTO

1. it's okay if you don't wear any ___

FUR! NEVER WEAR FUR!!! ANYONE!!!

2. what on earth are you here for? Costco ChickenBakes. btw if you see a bigbox bulk fucking crate of VANQUISH on a pallet over there by the vacuum dropsondes let me the fuck know! 

3. what has been the best day of your life? 

when the cats whispered today in my ear that grandma was gonna be okay

the day i got off this doomed rock on my spaceship

that Christmas i got the Nintendo greybox. see it's not any one specific day but a feeling. it's any summer Saturday evening in 1985. we go to the YMCA, making sure to pack the slippers with the tag still on them, the rubber-duckie ring, and those greentint goggles that always filled up with water on first contact and made me look like a tax boy. will this be the weekend i finally learn to dive? the family arrives just as the sun is setting upon the mint tile of the electric doors, leaving a last glint on the rearviews in the parking lot. towel covering our faces but we know the way by heart, we know which stairs to take to the pool. and we do family fun free swim for an hour, just to get soaked, just to get wet, just to dunk our heads a minute. i stay underneath by the jets, that's a feeling i will never duplicate in my life.  i find the two missing red rings down at the corner i don't tell my whistling instructor about, i stuff them in my pants which are now balloon shorts. the slide is broken but i use it anyway, two more bolts slathered in foamy backwash fly to the tile above. 

and afterwards, we quickly dry off in the stalls, hop in the car, do a round of minigolf at Magic Castle by artificial lawnlight, and get home in time for the newest episode of Small Wonder whilst i eat a pepperoni pizza with yellow rice as topping i secretly phone-numbered to Domino's in the kitchen while my parents weren't looking so i could have it all to myself. me and my imaginary cat at the time in the '80s i always wanted under the sofa.

it's the little things.

4. are you ordinary or extraordinary? why?

extraordinary. cos Clean Bandit. i mean i like my women bold. for Grace Chatto to deliberately set her lifepath to be the girl who plays cello for a living is aces in my book. and not just cello, electric cello. i mean there are only two electric cellos in the world and one of them is in Weird Al's garage.

5.. how do you want to be described by your friends?

they wanted to roast me but knew i was too delicate for it

BONUS: after a breakup would you rather be alone or surrounded by friends?

surrounded by enemies roasting me. but only if Stefon shows up sows up and stows up

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

PARKER CAN'T LOSE

notes:

* you know i just realized this now. i get asked the eternal question, as does everyone in Encino and Edmonton: what celebrity do you look like? for years i've been going with Drake BUT YOU KNOW WHAT!? i really do look like Eric Andre! need the haystack hair but i'm right there.

* Parker: so how's the new job going? have people warmed up to the new Jake?

Jake: um, yeah...i mean not really...i don't read the comments anymore...

Parker: i do. people warmed up to me instantly and i'm new.

Jake: yeah we all know why...…...it's your jeans, i need those jeans...

* Jake: you know you're in trouble when a girl brings a bag that's bigger than her.

Parker: like my car? i bought the car AFTER i bought the bag to match...

Jake: when you said we'd be platonic roommates i didn't know know you meant you'd park that car in the middle of my living room.

Parker: hence my name.

* Jake: are you an actor?

Parker: fourth wall, dude.

Jake: no it's just you do that thing where you point with both hands clasped touching fingers in a triangle like everyone in Hollywood does...

* Jake: pepperoni pockets, is that code for sex?

Parker: no. they're pizzas with pockets on the side so you don't miss any drop of grease.

Jake: atomic brownie, code for sex?

Parker: that's Trump's gift to the Japanese PM this coming Christmas party at the White House...

Jake: cuckoo crustees? is that code for sex?

Parker: that's fried bird. figured cos you're the bird guy...

* Jake: you're supposed to be my live-in girlfriend and THIS is the art you contribute to the place!?

Parker: what? those are my subway routes. 

Jake: no wonder it never gets delivered on time!

* Jake: you know i could just order Papa Chano's from GrubHub.

Parker: now THAT is code for sex.

* i watered my lawn for the first time in ages. felt so sorry for that pile of dirt in the middle of summer. is it a good sign when your plants shake your hand? trying to screw on the nozzle i now know how a drinking dog feels. are you supposed to take headache medicine everyday? i helped my mom with her velcro shoulder strap. all i'm saying is just make everything doublesided velcro...

* who's Joe's VP gonna be? let's make a deal: Oprah gives Trump her old show and...

* the hurricane: is it a thing or is it not a thing? these are the questions on the Florida schools entrance exam. whatever the answer, the school this question is answered in will be open...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

 

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: following along with the burger theme, it's gonna be McDonalds again. why? see i've never done that thing where you take the beige paper Big Mac box, leave the burger in one side, bend the lid over, put the fries in the lid. i've never eaten two-way like that in all my years of existence on this flying rock.