PRINCETON PAT: RED FULL CIRCLE (OR: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BUS)

The Pope: hello all gathered around the globe. i am okay. it's not the coronavirus, just the snivels. do i have to spell it out for you idiots and dolts! okay it's my period!!! see you're not used to this around these parts are ye?!

Hoda: just taking a few weeks off The Today Show. or Today as it's properly called. what? my partner took way off time for her bad eyes, can't I have a piece of the pie? it's not coronavirus. i'm just visiting my friend The Pope in Rome...we have a thing...that's sexual...but platonic...it's like an altar-girl thing we got going between us...don't worry, i'm not spreading it, we use protection as is the Church's solemn #1 rule. the #1 Vow of the Church is not silence but condoms. Church condoms are selling off the shelves!

President Bump: wait, the Left is suddenly not as Illuminati as i'd like...

Dirg: right, sir?! i mean shit. like, if you don't want problems don't stack the beauty pageants with all the hottest babes, right? can i get an elbow-bump for trim?

Chris Matthews at the MSNBC table: right. i know. remember, the news media, we're just like you. we're just trying to live this life, you know? get any expert we can to sit in those seats under the hot lights to explain to us what the fuck is going on. speaking of fuck...fuck it. i mean forget it. my mistake. i realize times have changed. it's not the same as it was 100 years ago. i couldn't resist her puppy-dog bassett-hound eyes. next time i won't get my hair cut. besides, everyone on the subway loves my Boris Johnson shaggy head. and so after a long and storied career i bid you all a fair adieu. fair like my Irish skin. soapy. and in the ancient tradition i will give you one last Irish goodbye. i will leave this studio, not say another word, not say goodbye. just leave. fade to black. after the next commercial break you'll never see me again and wonder where the hell i went. where i will go for the rest of my 30 years on this Earth. shorter cos of global warming. will i write? sure. but all my books will be available at Borders. one thing's for sure: i will never explain it to you.

Regis Philbin from the shadows of the studio gives Chris a standing ovation.

Brian Williams: i will have a storied career, too...

Eye Luggage: i will give Chris one thing: he absolutely looked like a Republican. i have to slap myself every day that he's a liberal. i mean he looks like your uncle at the garage. also i just like slapping myself.

Dirg: this shit has been normalized. normalized like Norma Rae. after years and years and decades and centuries of intrepid journalism and being big with those football arms and blond and a cop, this man is felled by a harmless comment by another woke female. and that's it. it's all over. early retirement. unexpected retirement. do you know what Chris is doing this very moment? Chris is right now at home not able to twiddle his thumbs cos he got a cookie stuck in them. this is how all old white men's lives will end...

Chris: i have one witch by my side. the one with the red glasses...

Dirg: why do we have to follow the rules of the road of an ugly Harriet Tubman wannabe? at least Harriet Tubman made Wakanda Great Again.

Eye: have some food, Dirg. some m'semen. it's not what you think. not male semen, it's flatbread.

Dirg: *trying some and cracking his crunchy tooth on them* pretty good.

Eye: HA! they're from Tunis not tuna. and they're gluten-free!!! gotcha!!!

the three at the Table are diligently wiping every corner of their ipads. which they learned on Today. Steve Jobs joins them in the podcast booth, looking rather spry and not blue at all, he has a pep in his step which is in an open-toed sandal.

Dirg: this sucks, Steve! this is a job! i know how to wipe my ass!

Steve: sorry. sawry. i just came from visiting Woz. they put him in a zoo. Woz really got a raw deal in life. first he was betrayed by me. and now he's Patient Zero.

Takahashi: i only go to Long John Silver's for the chicken.

Dirg: Taka, where the HELL have you been!!!?

Takahashi: stocking up on Impossible Whoppers. as many as Burger King can legally cook on a dirty fry-pan the size of the ocean. it's the wave of the future.

Laertus: wherever you go, wherever your travels land you, wherever the road leads you, my friend tama Taka, i hope you have a whopper one. a green impossible whopper one.

Dirg: the Impossible Whopper has been scientifically proven to make men grow tits.

Eye: so it's perfect for you then.

Dirg: i want to go to the Earl Moran symposium here. lots of buxom blonde beauties. he basically oil-painted porn.

Jodie Whittaker: i HATE all the fucking gammons ruining my damn show! you know how much work goes into each episode!? i haven't slept a wink since New Year's! i sleep in a time chamber where i float six inches above the floor...

Graham: *sulky* i'm not returning next year, not working with this one anymore.

Jodie: wha just because i was mean to you bout your bout with cancer? boo-hoo, grow up. at least it wasn't coronavirus, mate.

Graham: i am grown. i'm an old white man. no, cos there's no chance with you.

Jodie: right, cos i'm a feminist i'm automatically a bitch.

Graham: i want to know from the producers or i'm retiring next year! i want to know if i get to get with Ravio! do i marry Ravio?! do i fuck Ravio!? do i get to eat ravioli off Ravio!!! do i get to eat ravioli off Ravio's naked body like sushi...

Gladyce: Braithwaites! that's where i saw Ravio before! she looks more attractive to me with wrinkles. heavy wrinkle lines. that's where Doctor Who retired after his duties were over. and that nice red Indian woman with the blue eyes was on there too, whatever happened to her?

Jodie: if she's a British woman there are only two things: toyboys. and conceiving boys.

Gladyce: where's Doryce? sigh, i had to go to The Store with Dirg this week. i'm nice to all people but this stretched my patience thinner than the heavy wrinkle lines which stretch my face.

Dirg: we made it work, babe, we're the odd couple. remember, the odd couple were just two men who were gay lovers but couldn't come out in those conservative times in the past when the muscle met the road and the city never quite touched the farms. when young strapping lads who worked the farm pinching bales of hay with pitchforks were doomed to become newspaperboys in the city cos there could only be ONE farmer who became Superman.

Dirg: we're not the writers' first pairing, that's what makes us novel like a virus. it's a novel. it wasn't so bad. look, i only do 3 things each time i'm there: *he holds up 3 fingers*

1: only go to The Store to buy wine.
2: i buy the kid pasta with the mini-meatballs and the baby ravioli cos it TASTES BETTER than the adult one!
3: i'm thoughtful of others, i always make sure to buy extra-virgin olive oil in a bottle shaped like a wine bottle with fancy gold-leafed calligraphy writing on the label for my confused weak friend Laertus here.

Eye: we had cloud macchiatos last night, you know Ariana Grande did that just to distract the public from the leaked nudes of her own Cloud...

Cotard: btw it just tastes like coffee, regular delicious Starbucks coffee. the cloud is just foam.

Yellow Ranger: this week's Power Rangers also dealt with a virus. that was very disconcerting...

Teuila Blakely: and my friend got to be in it! i've worked with this bitch so many times in the past she's my work bitch. we've done all the New Zealand soaps together! and i mean all of them! Miriama Smith! Miriama Fucking Smith ladies and gentlemen how are you, love? if you need this woman to do anything Power Rangers, ANYTHING, she will play ANY ROLE. teacher, nurse, old woman dying of corona.

Miriama Smith: please don't call me a bitch.

Gladyce: anyway with milk you know what to do, dears. you can use milk that's a week-old past the expiration best-by date for cereal only. don't drink milk during your due date, you have more important liquids to think of like your breaking water, we want to raise healthy non-messed-up boys into men. into a heathy root. and don't get your milk at Best Buy!

Dirg: Diora Baird is asexual!!!? that's a crime against nature!!!

Eye: a naughty crime. a crime against nature are those tits of hers. those were grown in an Olympic lab, not natural soil. not that i'm jelaous. they're gonna cancel the Olympics!!!? i am so disappointed. i was lookin forward to all those butts on display, all those butts down the drain, there's nothing like a woman's butt in spandex, a man's butt doesn't even register.

Laertus: and Tal Fishman is the real Aquaman. leap babies make the best Olympic athletes. no, Dirg, they're not anchor babies.

Warren is conducting class in a dark room. in the corner. a room lit brightly with blacklight. Brooke Shields is there as a student and Professor Patricia MacCormack is in the back taking notes.

Eye: Patricia MacCormack is my heroine. and heroin. i want to be her when i grow up. she's in full goth regalia not as a way to relate to the kids but cos she's a real goth. she gets to wear her goth getup when she teaches!!! the only woman on Earth allowed to do so!!!

Patricia: that's earth. this isn't goth cosplay, child padawan, it's me, it's who i am.

Warren: i love your accent, it's so worldly. Princeton came through for me when Harvard would not, Princeton gave me a safe space. to do my magic. to be the source of all magic. you know, people say i'm twitchy. like a certain other man on MSNBC. i move my arms a lot, i jerk my head strangely, i do a half-twist with my body and call on people in the audience during stump speeches. all i'm doing is perfecting the finger-formation and incantation of my magic spells. some call me Satan. but all i did was invent Wicca. i'm like the guy who invented chakras on Naruto. look, every college student eventually gets naked in a circle to relate to people, it's the only way to get to know your neighbors on campus, your sisters and brothers. and frankly it's the ONLY good use for farms. Pompeo doesn't know farms. sure Lenexa is a cool name but that's it. sounds like a medicine they should be taking. sounds like a superheroine-with-a-cape's car.

the class bows silently in reverence. some try to steal her robe. Warren has left a bottle of beer out on every student's desk for them to imbibe while listening to her tour. she appears as a faint spectre on the stage of her classroom.

Warren: The Pope knows this, she's a friend of mine, a good friend if you know what i mean. i wink in her general direction through my glasses. i left out some Corona for the Castro brothers but apparently they're not big beer-drinkers, not beer guys, don't blame them, it's not Michelob Ultra or anything. Castro left me...unlike Bernie.

Bloomberg: *tearing up* you know why when i talk on stage i constantly move back from the podium and move back toward the mic again? i have so much nervous energy i'm trying to let out of my foot. i'm learning a new breakdance for you, so i can relate to the kids...

Bernie is on Fareed Zakaria:

Bernie: i respected you for so long. that dramatic heartfelt filmic Sorkin *BUM* gracenote at the beginning of each of your programs signaled international journalistic greatness was coming. my dad loved that bum. he listened it to me in Poland. but now you're a bum. why do you suddenly hate my ideas! Finland socialism, not Cuba socialism!!!

Beth McColl at The Orchid:

Beth: so i have big tits and Tourette's. i'm the perfect Orchid girl. i don't hate men, it's just there aren't any good ones out there. look, guys, we don't all want to become lesbians but we have no choice!!! send nudes? sure, i'll send nudes via your Nintendo Gameboy link cable...

Gladyce: so like the pepper, right? i thought i had no pepper in the Treehouse but i found a box at the corner of the kitchen next to the rats with wings. i was so shocked at finding the pepper my hand slipped and i dumped the entire contents of the pepper box onto my egg so now i have no pepper again.

Beth: story?

Gladyce: sure. Doryce and i went to the La Bahia Hotel and historic famous belltower on the edge of Obec. but Doryce wasn't quite feeling it. so we went up to Austin to the Austin Motel with the penis sign.

Madame Pons: when you drink too much coffee, the grounds get stuck and lodged up into your asshole.

Cotard: is this why you're in my office right now?

Madame Pons: no. i need advice advising my girls. why do so many girls think they just have to wait for the Bible? they think the Bible is gonna give them a man.

Cotard: you should have asked me this last year...

Madame Pons is in grappling class with Doryce:

Madame Pons: i need to learn this being single...

Doryce: i need to learn this to snag my toyboy Bama. need to teach him this sport so we can practice together...

Eye: the Chips episode "Nightingale" and go. poor Dana, i loved her.

Laertus: as in Florence, not the bird. nor the Olympic athlete. nor the coronavirus city. once again i must reiterate the intimacy of it all. i don't mean sex, i mean these tv episodes slip me into an intimate box, they let me sleep gently in a four-corner room in the '70s when life was so much simpler, when i could experience the lives of strangers safely and in the comfort of my own hygge. real human drama where there was never a bad guy, just humans making mistakes i could root for. all humans.

Dirg: it put me to sleep. put me to sleep, Dana, Dana Plato looked good in those jeans. she had that paper in the backpocket of her jeans like all girls do now with their phones. like a white phone was in there accentuating her butt. but of couse this was YEARS before Steve Jobs had a job. had a thought for that matter.

Leartus: looking at Dana Plato here: so young, so innocent, so bubbly, so effervescent. i cry.

Dirg: what's wrong with dating tall basketball women? it makes for better blowjobs, their backs hurt afterwards.

Eye: and other things can hurt, too, believe me.

Laertus: the theme is still relevant today! the '70s porn theme. and the themes back then. they were talking about health care for undocumented immigrants! how it becomes a hanger-abortion situation operation done in the shadows. let the nurse practice wthout a license! she's Robin Hood!

Dirg: lawless lady loses lives.

Eye: that romantic Romeo + Juliet couple in the van were the real-life Scooby-Doo in the real-life Mystery Machine van! it's everyone's favorite crackship: Velma and Shaggy. even back then, they just wanted to cross the border to get some of that good warm free green Canadian health care and pot!!!

Dirg: those silly cops on bikes had guns? that's even sillier. like bringing a butter knife on your tricycle. whatever you do, show, NEVER show a tracheotomy! trach. i don't wanna see it!!! i can't handle blood and weird cuts around balls. i never watched ER...

Jada Pinkett joins the Red Circle Table along with Rubikon taking notes:

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: Jim Carrey's line should have been:

Jim Carrey: i thought i did my time in Canada! but finally i come to America and i have to do more time on Maple Drive! give me my Cape Codder PLEASE NOW!!! they don't know how to do Cape Codders in Canada, they use maple syrup which is too sweet for me. alcohol should have a lime in it. alcohol should be sour to match my mood.

Eye: Jason's Lyric and go!

Jada: well i'm home, i'm back! discussing my own film. breakthrough for me in many ways.

Dirg: well hello mama! you looked good naked, miss thang. i loved your realistic tits. don't know if your body now looks good naked tho, Ms. Nasty Jada.

Jada: can we remove him? or do i have to do it myself? my children are here, too, i keep nothing from them.

Eye: your love scene with Allen Payne was so lovely and special and romantic! soothes the pain. it really was a depiction of making love, not sex. those beautiful white-flower-garlands like swings on the swamp, i wanted to swing on those vines like Chandler to the song Chandelier. your passion literally turns the white flowers on the ground red! it was very old-south Gothic.

Dirg: everyone made fun of your sex scene cos we all had to endure looking at that dude's butt.

Laertus: you and Allen Payne have matching eyes! you were a match made in heaven for the beautiful.

Dirg: yeah i mean that other sex scene combines two of my favorite things so i use it all the time as my ultimate fantasy, my go-to image from my spankbank: fucking in a tv store, doesn't get better.

Jada: Allen's a lovely man. inside, too. not just outside on his hairy chest playing basketball like Top Gun. he's not gay cos he's beautiful. but if he is Tyler Pery will take care of him.

Dirg: and suddenly this movie becomes North by Northwest. don't inhale the chemtrails, young bucks! i have a feeling this isn't gonna be bout prison b-ball. some say this movie was bad cos it was exploitative, it uses every trick in the book: salacious writing, a funnyman comedian who isn't funny, insanely huge tits on a tray, mammoth mammaries, it's all common-denominator sex & violence. and rough language and rough living. and taunts which hurt. and a ghetto that is strangely not Compton.

Laertus: Third Ward. Historic Houston, the real red state, not where Iran hit. more like Third Wave New Wave filmmaking.

Dirg: and Bokeem Woodbine. Bokeem Woodbine scares me, he plays a gansta too well, the way he spits when he smiles and holds a gun, his teeth always look like they're gonna bite me!

Laertus: he's a business man in real life. i have so much sympathy for Lisa Nicole Carson, i hope she gets another starring role soon. she's so empathetic here. and she was Dr. Benton's sidepiece on ER. universal health scare for mental health. she's not just a pair of tits, Dirg. she's the dressmaking pal and confidant from Pretty In Pink.

Dirg: i always get her confused with LisaGay Hamilton.

Dirg: why you gotta end the dad? he's an Oscar winner! very talented. fathers always get it in Hollywood. the father was just being a man! fine, send him to rehab with that whiny Winehouse. but shot dead? how do you pronounce Treach? is it teacher or treacherous?

Laertus: you gotta admit, this is a DEPRESSING movie. i mean the brother is so lost he kills the only love the other brother ever had---his ticket out of the ghetto---simply cos he can't lose him to her, he is that desperate. he's never known what love is save for this man. no other woman, no woman at all. so he shoots himself dead. that poor mother.

Eye: gotta change the bars on those carnival rides, it's too easy to molest. getting groped while eating sticky popcorn. you're stuck in that teacup!

Dirg: i loved that carnival! everyone on those grounds was carrying and waving around their guns and nobody cared at all! they just walked on by, i mean i've heard of open-carry in this state but that was ridiculously awesome! i love the love story of a black man and a black woman, i really do love that.

Eye: loved the Greyhound depot painted up as high art. you can tell which bus stops make the effort. i've had some of my greatest fucks in the sticky seats of a Greyhound bus while the bus was moving along a highway.

Laertus: same. i mean i've had many experiences in a Greyhound bus, it's the people's mover. it's the po folk who tell tales. i took a Greyhound to Disneyland once, when we got there, they let us become one of the rides at the park...

Laertus: they're gonna hold the General Election vote at Disneyland...

Eye: there's this romanticization of escape, the escaping from a bad place and going to a good place, the desperate desire to be better, to go to a Shangri-La outside of your immediate experience. the sunset never seen and the bridge, where suicide really is said lineread as a castoff joke. it's the romanticization of the bus as the tool to do it. the bus becomes what trains were a century ago. and i LOVE that we're offered the dream ending as the ending. not the cold hard slab ending where Jada's young life and appreciation of fragile beauty and all that potential in her small frame ends randomly for no good reason---a beautiful soul snuffed out---but rather their love worked, it was enough. it endured, and they made it out! they won! this Bonnie & Clyde of love won! it is the true romantic ending we yearn for in film. the only thing was i thought this film would be Jason seducing Lyric with verses of poetry, like prison poetry or something. g'night, folks.

Jada: this was not the alternate ending, this is the ending. i made sure of it, the producers listened to me even then.

Michael Weiss on stage: my entire Instagram apparatus is really just an excuse for me to talk online to two or three particular hot celebrity babes...

Pat knows who at least one of those celebrity babes is. Pat is in his dorm room, Pat knows Julia Ioffe is watching Michael Weiss from the auditorium eaves in her usual spot, hanging like a monkey shirt off bra loosened sucking on a banana lemondrop. the tendrils of her vagina so long and S-shaped they hang her by the upper ceiling-crossbars outside to the cold roof as she hangs in the air and swings around like a trapeze artiste. her vulva provides the Tom Cruise rope. Pat watches Julia watch Michael through his telescope in his room. Pat's telescope, Pat's room. Pat wonders out loud what Julia is thinking right now. Pat leans back in his swivel-chair and puts his unwashed hands behind his head on his neck. then he remembers: no blowjobs tonight. Pat tries to take off his shoes but they're stuck. stuck on his feet, stuck in his head.

STAND UP AND BE COUNTED...TWICE ON SUNDAYS IF YOU HAVE TO

notes:

* shut up and be counted? if that's what it takes

* Trump: the census. it's more powerful than even the Courts, which is why i keep a glass coin jar by my glass bubblegum jar by my nightstand.
Pence: why am i put in charge of anything, sir? that's not my job!
Trump: you're a doctor, Mike. you look like a doctor. one of those frontier country doctors. you have white hair like a doctor's lab coat.

* according to US, not the U.S.

* in America, you can either be a track star or a hopscotch champion...

* we all count, whether you eat bread by the loaf or twice-cooked...in other words, toasted

* Phoenix: what are all those symbols on your shawl?
priest: i'm a priest. but it's not what you think. i just really like ceremony, pomp, circumstance, and fonts. see this bird patch?
Phoenix: ain't got no time for bird sex.
priest: exactly. i'm celibate cos i can't find a date. the thing is, i'm a Phoenix-worshipper.
Phoenix: i come from a long line of ancient Sumerian and Sumatran Phoenix-worshippers.
priest: no, but the thing is, i mean, i'm really only interested in you......wanna go out on a date with me?...

* remember that man in the green business shirt and Dennis-the-Menace hair in the '90s who would be on CNN all the time espousing his constant atheist views? Michael someone. he would make fun of anybody who worshipped or had a religion, he said it was stupid to sit in an air-conditioned house and get conditioned for an hour, arbitrarily standing and sitting and sticking your tongue in the holy water.
Phoenix: that's why i fly...a Wolf is constantly on my tail...

* Phoenix: it's our right. it is what we deserve. we are humans and should be counted and receive all the arts programs we need. science is cool and all but would be boring without art and special effects like Tyson uses to punch up the scenery. we will win in November.
Bill Gates: November? we have to win NOW!!! get this thing contained.
Trump: i'm sorry for hitting on your daughter, Bill. PLEASE protect me! cure ME first!
Bill: sir stay in the White House under quarantine, NEVER go out again!
Trump: so, like i've always been doing...

* who we love: the commercial would have been more impactful showing a gay wedding. and show the cake while you're at it! lot of work went into that cake!

* that's my daughter, got a problem?! she can already beat me in hoops, run rings around me. we're carrying on Kobe and Gigi's legacy.

* hi i'm Asian Skrillex. no in fact i'm just Skrillex. this is my mother. she's from India. that's right, no, she's just from India, that's all that matters...

* Bloomberg: allocated from MY funds!!? oh, no? okay nevermind, that's fine then. the only reason i'm running for President is i want to get Trump's taxes returned to me personally, plop that cash in a gold sack down on my office table with a thud and i will personally spend Trump's money on Humphry Slocombe ice cream.

* 15: quick! spell quinceanera.
cowboy: oh yeah? spell achy-breaky...

* --in my country, there's water at the all-day wedding ceremony so the bride and groom can take a sacred deep-dive plunge together, both physically and symbolically.
--in my country, after the Vegas primary, there's water at the wedding so the bride can get pushed into it and ruin her expensive diamond-encrusted wedding dress and then the mother-in-law has that Instagram pic for later at divorce court.

* baby: what is this stuff? milk? wow, it's like chalky water!
old woman: MILK!!? FUCK MILK. been drinking milk since i was a baby! give me my chalks so i can sidewalk-art.

* daughter: mommy, why do you have to go to war?
mom: i made a deal with the President: the good news is you don't have to go to school anymore. the bad news is...you're good at soccer, right? you have to win the next Olympics even if they're canceled or the war will continue forever.

* and soon, the marching band was the only thing left of Portlandia...

* Trump: traditional Chinese dragon? nah, that's Spongebob.

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i don't want to alarm, i want to inform. so i'm getting the BFC at Carl's Jr. stands for Big Fucking Carl's Deal. it's a burger with an insane fucking large wheel of melting cheese in the middle. and yes this ring is yellow and orange and hot but don't read too much into that...

PRINCETON PAT: THESE PANCAKES ARE RIDGED

Chris Matthews: so who has the best shot in Vegas?...…...oops i did it again...

Dirg: what's going on with the Left? i mean seriously. does the Illuminati even try anymore? all flatearther deaths are the blood on your curved hands! it's infecting the Left in Britain and the UK, too. i mean all these woke females running for office, they're ALL pansexual! pansexual?! that's just weird and unnatural. that reminds me, Meryl Streep in Out Of Africa, the ending didn't sit well with me.

Meryl Streep done with her danish popping her head out of the booth like Hollywood Squares: how do you mean?

Dirg: like after ALL that sturm und drang she went through to find and keep love, dragging it by the throat, to maintain her agency, be the first female entrepreneur who ever lived, to fight to make those coffee beans as red as possible, to make the royal family not a laughingstock, to protect her land with lioness guns, she just ups and leaves Africa and never returns...

Meryl: well yeah, i don't care if Africa was once beautiful, there's no point in living if you can't be with Robert Redford.

Mike Bloomberg steps onto the Vegas stage with his legs and with a more well-rehearsed version of himself:

Mike: i want to learn from you. here's my plan, it's the best plan...

and then he goes on about his usual moderate millionaire muddle. the crowd boos.

Mike: okay i'm sorry. i guess i'm doing it wrong. i want to relate to you. excuse me.

he returns with a red baseball cap---inverted---baggy pants, a belt that is so big it could strangle him, a Looney Tunes shaggy extra-medium shirt of Mrs. Tasmanian Devil, and a gold chain from the film Uncut Gems with H on it for Hizzoner:

Mike: i will never drink Starbucks again. i'll buy out Starbucks instead.

the crowd cheers.

Mike: Michael Jordan can't hold my jock.

the crowd cheers and hold up Crying-Jordan signs.

Mike: Diana Taylor's my side-bitch.

the crowd erupts and joins in a singsong chant of Be Like Mike! Be Like Mike!

Jerry Springer: she's no Dianne Feisntein that's for sure. i should have run for President...

Laertus: i got ya something for your birthday, pal. open it up, don't wait! it's wrapped inside a stack of delivered newspapers in a cube tightened by a string to prove a point.

Eye Luggage: if you work for Wikipedia, you betta be an INSANE speller!

Dirg: oh how kind of you. my father certainly didn't. well, what do we have here? it's...

Laertus: a year's subscription to Starfuckers Magazine! super-rare. praise me, i had to sacrifice for this one, it cost me dearly, i had to give up ice cream for a year to afford it.

Eye: no! i like you a bit chunky. when you get too skinny i think it's cos of the Scarface routine. you don't mean Humphry Slocombe ice cream do you?! i mean it's named after the greatest tv show of all time! the one with the tv tailor and the tv temptress!

Laertus: i am being served. i'm getting my ass handed to me. but i know what you mean, especially the Sesame flavor...

Eye: that one makes me open my mouth...my vagina mouth. whatever it is, i know my female ejaculate is not pee.

Dirg: Lemonade flavor? so i'm expecting Nine Inch Nails articles here---some wedding tips and Trent juice-cleanses---but this seems to be an ultrarare gay men's magazine focusing on reckless youth in all-black spraying the graffiti instead of huffing it outside of their local tv station. you could wear real leather in those days.

Laertus: super-rare.

Dirg: don't say that, don't use that, i hate two things and two things only in this world: using super- for every possible word as a prefix. and the word merch.

Laertus: what we need is an NIH magazine.

Jodie Whittaker: i mean come on. don't change accents on me and tell me it's raining in London. with a huffy Hugh Grant brolly. we over here still use wee to mean little. like they were meant to be menacing but Cyber-Man heads just flying around in the sky is just too silly to take seriously.

Dirg: Hugh Grant is the manly Cary Grant. just a question, why are you always talking out of one side of your mouth? no i mean physically.

Yellow Ranger: so those extremely-tight leather pants i was forced to wear, they would have been sexier if they were real leather jus sayin'...

Madame Pons: things are going good with Henry. late nights and early mornings. i'm trying to untap something out of him and he's trying to tap me. his potential, my pussy. i admit, my skirt does look like an umbrella. i'm trying to draw out of him chakras he never knew he had. i've shown him all the nodules which grow along his ballsac. i mean will i always have to take two Vanquish every time i drink a cup of coffee? you know why i love Vanquish? cos it's magic. those little white pills dissolve and work instantly on the pained part, instantaneously the pain is gone. not like amoxicillin which needs a good night's sleep to work. i don't want to be amoxichillin'.

Eye: yeah but Vanquish is bad for your liver. i hate liver.

Samantha Allen at The Orchid:

Samantha: so. Gladyce, anything yet?

Gladyce: well there was that one time Doryce and i went psicobloc. no we're both clinically and magically insane it's not that. i mean climbing rock formations with just the water of the land to break your fall. poor dear Doryce was still fitting in her glasses and didn't read the label on her orange bottle and thought we were on a hunt for cheaper psilocybin across the border. it comes in pill form now you know. and me being really really old i was surprisingly spry for that age, i actually climbed, Doryce cheated and just flew on her broom over the water. tho admittedly this is a good exercise to strengthen one's flying magic. in a twist we did OUR climb naked, no one else on our tag team tether tried it that way and we never saw them again once we broke camp. i guess they all got eaten.

Gladyce: we were famished of course. rock-climbing is hard work! harder than working in a factory. we stopped at a mountintop where one tuft of green grass grew but of course this was college so that wasn't grass. it was a Ritter Sport mint Kit-Kat Schoko & Gras hemp chocolate bar! super-ultra-rare!!! you know, the thing all the Olympic cyclists eat. look i want to be cool and everything but honestly if the hemp isn't mint-flavored it's just disgusting.

Dirg visits yet another strange class on campus. what's strange and disorienting is he is finding that he has nothing to do most afternoons...

Dirg: shoulda went to orientation.

Mary Beard: take my word for it, i look like a slash Gandalf.

Dirg: i mean that's the thing. here you are at Princeton. unlike our plethora of pussy i mean young woke girls we have crawling around here, you are a decidedly woke OLD girl.

Mary: i'm a scholar. i earned it. i worked tooth and nail until i only had one nail left, my witch's nail. i had to use my last witch's tooth for my rheumoid medicine. my teeth are gold not yellow. have you ever earned anything in your life? have you worked for something your whole life?

Dirg: can't say that i have, i'm young and lazy. but it's worse to be old and lazy. i see your beard. it's faint but i see it, it's on your lip and chin, all puffy from some burning numbing agent. which pedo professor on the staff here at Princeton are you bearding for to protect them!!!?

Dirg points at Mary ferociously.

Mary: take an ibuprofen, pal. have some bread next door, you need to relax. i normally don't tell my students this---cos i want my students to be students---but you are in dire need of some holy bread!

the classroom next door is taught by Ren Hang, who has blue eyes and floats ever so creepily just microinches above the floor, noticeable only to the enlightened. a chalk of CHINA sits on the blackboard, Dirg comes up and erases CHINA and puts COTARD on there instead with a long piece of chalk. he puffs the puffy eraser in Ren's eyes.

Dirg: oh, so YOU caused this flu bug going around! the pansexuals caused the pandemic! typical, leave it to the university to shelter criminals! give their heroes havens!

Dirg: blackboard, huh. i've never seen an actual blackboard before except in cartoons, mine were always green...

Ren: i am a philosopher-poet. but you can address me as Ren.

Dirg: Ren is an anime-only name.

Ren: please have some of these bacon bites in a basket my mom just whipped up for the class! yummy!

in the meantime Ren shows Dirg his scrapbook of photos.

Dirg: oh okay. nevermind. now i get it. okay. i need to learn sex ed from THIS Princeton professor!!!...i never had sex ed...

Ren: hey... before you go... remember to tell the local newspaper...i didn't hang myself...*Ren disappears*...

the Iranians attack a Milwaukee beer factory.

Bernie: i mean i'm white. i can't help it.

Rubikon: you use brother and sister much differently than i will as President...

Eye: what were we talking about again?...…...

Eye: where's Tyzik?

Tyzik: i'm not here. i had to get a dental dam implanted in my mouth. i played hooky from school and saw Mary Hart and John Tesh hosting Entertainment Tonight and thought the gas hadn't worn off...

Cotard: Tesh came to my office seeking counsel. what he was asking for was some wacky science. i told him to trust the CDC and if Connie Sellecca ever considered dyeing her hair red...

Eye: Doing Time On Maple Drive and go.

Laertus: oh wow. this thing. my dad told me about this thing. this was in the '90s, back during the age of the televisioned special, the miniseries, the one-time-event broadcast of a tv-movie pertinent to the age and time. my dad told me this thing came on right after Married With Children one Sunday night---one-night-only---he didn't watch it cos he was scared of Married With Children. he regrets it ever since.

Eye: the poster of this film is wrong. the names above the faces don't match, they aren't the names of the actors. but baby that William McNamara! those eyes! if there was ever anyone the personification of pretty-boy beautiful gay porn star, it's Billy Boy! whatever happened to him?

Laertus: confession. i knew about this a long time but never actually watched it. i had to reset my bearings to get back to the AIDS epidemic, those days, those Pedro times, those Ryan White times, all the fear and trepidation filled by the media, the fright of those times that it would become a pandemic. and as i watched this i didn't know the perfect child would be the gay one till much later, they got me.

Dirg: it doesn't list him as having any relationships. if you know what i mean. Baywatch doesn't count, that's just put out by the publicist.

Eye: Jim Carrey was nice in this. showed his range as an actor. and it confirms the Whedon Theory: comedians make the best dramatic actors. you could tell Jim was sick of plotting In Living Color skits with Damon Wayans on the set of Earth Girls Are Easy and wanted to try something new.

Laertus: that one scene with Jim and Lori in the bathroom mirror reading the cards of anal history teacher Dad. Jim starts to veer into his comfortable comedic territory when he starts in on the pixies in his hair. you know the director came up to him at just that moment to nip it in the bud:

director: Jim, we talked about this...

oh and the director is Ken Olin! the Lion of the senatorial Screen Actors Guild. from thirtysomething fame. for the life of me i tried SO HARD to like thirtysomething, i wanted to like it SO BAD so i could join the hipster parties...but it just never stuck to me...

Eye: maybe if one of the scripts had been written by ee cummings...

Laertus: Jim Carrey is nice in this. you could tell underneath the drink he was a sensitive soul who referred to men as fellas. only nice men use fellas. then again there is the Dad, James Sikking. i'm SICK of Sikking!!! HE uses fellas in a different way! what a brute this tennis-shorted man was the whole movie. tho ironically it's him who comes around first, both meanings. before the mother. Jim Carrey plays a very convincing drunk considering he's a teetotaler. i wonder if it was this movie which sent him over the edge to never take something to take the edge off.

Dirg: Dad reminded me of someone. shit at least this was a manageable 90 minutes. all movies should be 90 minutes. looking back at the first scene after having watched the entire film, you see what Pretty Boy was doing. and Lori Loughlin grandstanding and lecturing and looking down on someone for breaking into a locked dorm room is rich.

Laertus: back then being gay was real. it was scary, people didn't know how to react. getting a revelation that a family member was gay was like if that family member had gotten a diagnosis of cancer. that's how families dealt with it, like that person was sick and diseased. the mother thinks the gay son is shaming her and all the hard work she put into the family.

Dirg: to be fair the mom is trapped in a loveless marriage, she only stayed together for the kids. so she has the right to get a little upset. there's some reason to get upset.

Eye: Dad feels locked in, like the Nazis in France. the mom gave up her teaching position to raise the pregnancy. just think, she could have been Elizabeth Warren now! the glorious source of all of our power here on campus!!!

Laertus: James Sikking...from Hill Street Blues...i always thought he was the father from Wonder Years. don't mess with Jim Carrey's afternoon drink. he NEEDS that afternoon drink to maintain! give the man his goddamn Cape Codder!!! he will go ballistic if you don't give him his motherfucking Cape Codder!!!

Dirg: the name of the movie is said as a line in the script. that's super-rare. like imagine Kurt Cobain using the lyric nirvana in any of his songs.

Laertus: turns out one of the actors here actually did die from AIDS in real life. his life cut short as he put on his Mighty Ducks skate. to innocently play in the snow on a clean New York City street. before Disney had all that money. so the message here is apt and relevant.

Eye: Philip Linton! and he's so adorable in this, too, great natural rhythm to his acting. he was a natural, he lit up the screen, he would have replaced Tom Cruise. what a tragedy. he's so understanding when his best friend comes out.

Dirg: he's now a piece of lint.

Laertus: and Jayne Brook! remember her from Chicago Hope? the good CBS Chicago, not the bad NBC Chicago. i'll never forget that awkward kiss between Jayne Brook and Adam Arkin, they wll talk about that force forever!

Laertus: i mean that navy-seaman Dad or whatever is supposed to be all tough. but they're playing tennis. tennis.

Federer: hey man, not cool. i've had to deal with that stereotype my whole life.

Dirg: this was pretty controversial for its time but it's Fox so they should have gone more all the way. it's never explained why Jim Carrey was kicked out of military school. it's cos he was drawing political cartoons of his bunkmates. and took a dump in every single dorm. the photographer boyfriend of Jayne Brook should have been a porn photographer. that's how he got Jane pregnant, by ensnaring her. Lori Loughlin SHOULD HAVE gotten married to gay boy, that would have been one HELL of a marriage! and at the end, when the Dad is trying to understand his son, he should have point-blank asked the son, "you know God Hates Fags, right?"

Eye: Jayne Brook got pregnant but those weren't baby blood cells, those were midichlorians...

Laertus: i always liked Jayne Brook's teeth. the gay boy really displays the acting chops during the yelling scene. he really brings it, props, i was surprised, he was so subdued throughout the rest of the movie. ice cream for the punch, no thank you, ma'am, i take my punch straight now.

Dirg: one punch from me to your face and you'll come round to your senses, you'll get knocked out of it. your gay flirtation. i'll scare you straight! gotta have Dad tough love.

Eye: and whoa, more animal abuse! "next time, don't swerve, just hit the dog". really? fuck that.

Laertus: yeah, and pretty graphic depictions of suicide for a non-cable show. casually talking about hanging in a garage and brains splattered all over the road. like this were PBS Degrassi. i had to double-take. at least they were able to laugh about it all at the hospital bed. i find the best laughs come when you're in a hospital bed.

Laertus: did you know the ultimate symbol of cromagnon conquer, the sinewy sculptured showman of muscle manhood himself, Alexander The Great...was gay?

Dirg: sure i buy it, makes sense, that's how he conquered all the lands of the world, all the kings made fun of him and he got angry. along his rampage way he flattened out the globe with his large feet.

Pat: what did you expect? these were all a bunch of Yalies. g'night, folks.

Michael Weiss: Instagram is the legal way to stalk. i mean is it enough for your psychological wellbeing to be treated to videos of your favorite celebrity each day to cheer you up after you get punched in the face at the UN and your tooth gets knocked out? i'm gonna marry my celebrity crush...

Pat and Julia Ioffe are in bed together in Pat's bed in his dorm room:

Julia climbs on top of Pat and begins unbuttoning his shirt.

Julia: i hope i'm not making you uncomfortable. we don't have to if you don't want to.

Pat: i'm comfortable. what brought this on?

Julia: it's starting to turn into more like love than lust, i'm feeling things not the thrust. i dunno, you showing me your life, where you were brought up, your high-school troubles, where you lived as a boy, how you lived as a youth, your fights, your raises, your first pet, your haircut, it's brought me closer to you. gotten my cheeks red.

Pat: why do you have it out for Lawrence O'Donnell?

Julia: he's WAY too enamored of Hollywood celebrities. oh and once again your shoes! are on point!

Pat is naked save for wearing moccasins in bed with a barefoot Julia.

Pat: they're moccasins. you want me to take them off so i can slip them in your vagina and you can get that First Nations aboriginal primal Peoples urge glow of being part of the Mama Earth spirit all you college girls crave. part of the unconquered lands?

Julia: you still have work to do on that front. the golf course is not enough. oh no! i would never ask that of you! i would never ask you to remove a piece of your beauty! i'm like a dentist trying to save your tooth. a good doctor never wants to remove a patient's body.

Julia, tongue out, starts painting diligently the back of Pat's shoes. she paints them red not using a brush, only using her red fingertips...

Pat: hey man, not cool.

Julia: no, i'm making them Redbottoms. POP QUIZ, HOT SHOT! come on, you can't get lucky EVERY time! use the moccasins and guess my way of thinking...

Pat thinks for a moment.

Pat: um...wait...it's on the tip of my tongue...oh yeah! Sir Nighteye from My Hero Academia! "are you mocking me!?"

Julia: damn, you pass again! we're getting better at reading one another.

Pat: one another's books anyway.

TMIT: SEX.........OR SAILOR MOON PURE LOVE?

1. what time of the day do you feel the most energetic and what do you usually do in those moments?

for years i had a cyst growing out of my back. it was benign, didn't do anything cept talk to me, so we became friends. i dare not cut it off or surgically remove it cos i would lose a friend. i didn't have many friends to start with, i only had my cyst. i felt bad when i slept on my back. then one day the cyst told me it was time and he wanted to go. i said okay. when he left i found a door in my back where the cyst used to live. i opened this door. two Energizer batteries were inside...

gotta have enough energy to masturbate or i don't feel accomplished that day

2. what's the coolest thing about your life? Shaq. when he rings my video doorbell at 3 in the morning and delivers me a box of IcyHot. i've never put IcyHot on my cock, it's for my back batteries i swear...

3. when are you most yourself? online. when i'm avataring. when i'm in a virtual 360 video game, i live in that world 24/7/365, so much so i start to forget that this isn't the real world. what is real anyway? my lucid dreams are more real to me than this world ever has been. i mean it starts to turn into SAO. with the harems and the impossible girl-magnetism i mean. i'll be fine as long as when i meet new people i do so as Phoenix. meaning me fully-decked in my Bird Man costume...

4. would you rather be an ugly genius or a hot moron?

i'd rather be Ben Stein, the coolest nerd who ever lived. some say Elon Musk is ugly. those people have never spent the night with Elon Musk dunking his pillows in Old Spice. i mean look at Hedy Lamarr. not just at her. we wouldn't be here right now without Hedy Lamarr. there wouldn't be blogspot without Hedy Lamarr. or worse, Instagram! we wouldn't be friends right now talking to each other save for Hedy Lamarr. i mean what is Paris Hilton thinking? she is PISSED over what happened to her career. Paris Hilton was Kim Kardashian before Kim Kardashian!!! right now Paris is in Paris putting her raw feelings down on vinyl working on her first New Wave record with producer-friend Billy Corgan...

5. would you abandon your phone, internet, family, amd friends for three months for a prize of one million dollars?

only if i get to marry Richard Hatch at the end. and together we two will reboot Battlestar Galactica a SECOND time...

BONUS: if you could wave a magic wand right now and have your life be perfect, what would that new life look like?

no teeth

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PEOPLE STILL FACEBOOK?

notes:

* just picture it tho. take five minutes out of your day right now, sit back in your Barcalounger, hold your own beer, close your eyes, and imagine the following:

The Rock running for President...

* man: hey man, wanna join?
other man: me or you? me? nah man, i'm not a joiner...…...but i'm lonely...
man: don't you want to be in a system larger than yourself? doing a job that matters? don't you wanna belong? don't you want to be a part of something special?
other man: what kind of group is this?
man: Facebook group.
other man: oh. um. nah. i mean isn't this the same company that, like, destroyed civilization?

* OMG!!! I'm In The Band is coming back as the latest Disney revival!!!

* union boss: wait, what are we all doing in unison?
union: we're skipping stones!
Kendrick: no, we're practicing our golf swing...
Naruto: get the fuck outta my way, Kendrick, i'm training!

* what's the diference between craft cocktail and cocktail?
Pat Sajak: the chaser of tail...
Culinary Union: a tip.
Phoenix: 15 bucks...

* Moab climbers: this is all camera tricks, none of us know how to climb, this is a HUGE ball of clay in a studio and Playmobil just like the Moon landing.
Mark Zuckerberg: first one over the line gets to ink the first tattoo on my body!

* Starting Strongman group...
Mark: Zeus forbids it...
group: but we were taking vats of water to villages with no roads...

* grandpa, that's not how you play volleyball. smaller balls smaller balls!

* oh man that lawn chair brings back memories, the crisscross rainbow pattern, so Florida, so California

* girlie what are you doing!!? don't tip the rocking chair over your head like that! didn't Sanjay Gupta warn you about the latest internet fad challenge and concussions? damn young people not content with board games anymore...

* Mark: Rockbuggies group?
group: nope. we're actually living like Mad Max. this future is five years away...

* we're that show on The Weather Channel where burly bears lift steel ropes to stand up schoolbuses!

* Mark: ah, the Rocket Science Club, i was your only member in high school.
group: no, the I Don't Want To Live On This Planet Anymore Club

* Alcatraz triathletes are just escaping prisoners

* Rockhounds: crystal meth addicts

* Clonehenge: idea-stealers lazing around on comfortable fort pillows

* Stone Sculptors: V A P O R W A V E V I N Y L E A T E R S

* not shown: Chris Rock beating Sly Stallone the fuck down with one surprise uppercut and his deceptive loose-teeth smile

* Sly: you here for the fight?
Chris Rock: yep, Tyson. the other Tyson. white meat.
Sly: no, the fight of our lives. here to vote.

* Chris Rock: The Rock will make a good President...why do they call you Sly? related to the funk?
Sly: i'm a weird combination where i can't really act yet i'm a brilliant writer.

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Taco Bell will make me like buffalo chicken for the first time in my life...

PRINCETON PAT: THE WORLD IS ROUND SO WE DON'T SEE TOO FAR AHEAD

Tyzik: the TV GUIDE Horoscope is back, baby!!!

Cory Booker: so, um, this wasn't because, you didn't make this realization about yourself by being with me, right? what exactly was the trigger event?

Rosario Dawson: oh baby don't worry it's not about you at all! it's just one of those things, you know? naturally organic. organically natural. like college chemistry. like sometimes your tooth chips and you have no idea how that happened as you scan the X-ray cos you've never eaten rock candy in your life...

Megalyn Echikunwoke: i am here on stage at Princeton to say...i am WOKE! *crowd cheers* and i LOVE ecchi! *not even Takahashi cheers*…...and i really need for The 4400 to come back!...i need those aliens to return down to earth and start probing big time!!!...i mean i'm in the minority but i don't think Chris Rock is funny...

Eye Luggage: it's hard for men to be funny, it's forced with them. women do it more naturally cos being a woman and all we have to put up with just to get through the day is ripe for comedy.

Dirg checks out a class. one taught by Barbara Remington, who is as colorful as her scarves. she is in her salad-with-French-dressing days as she was in her spry youth. she wears the garb of the hippie but Dirg has matured……...just a smidge...and can try to overlook that:

Dirg: thank you, ma'am. this is the first time i've addressed a woman as ma'am. you are the only woman i've ever respected on this Tolkien green earth. let me shake your hand, wow, bony, pretend i didn't just say that. you've made me see Tolkien in a different light. i emulate your oil paintings in my new comic i'm doing to try to compete with the new reboot of Locke & Key. you inspire me not to pill it, not to take drugs. i stayed at Hartwood Acres not cos i'm mentally-ill---tho that helped---but purely for research. my idea has it being starred by Key & Peele but Peele has gotten some big tight bloomers on lately and left his friend flapping in the dust by the side of the road. you've made me want to be a better man. you've made me want to shave. you've made me see things. i now know what it's like to take drugs without having to take the actual drugs. far out, man! i mean woman. please, don't speak, don't ruin this moment for me.

Joe Pera: i just got the best text in the whole world! not from a student, from a teacher! Albert Einstein texted me. the thing is tho, it's just Albert saying hi. and then i text him back hi. and then Albert texts back hi. nothing more than hi, no theories on black holes or Albert's take on blacks in science. so, is just the "hi" worth it? after some thought nursing a cup of thin coffee, my conclusion is yes. now if you'll excuse me, my pub in NYC is hosting the President...

Rubikon on the stump speeching:

Rubikon: with all the rapper deaths lately, we have to come together. i see you over there in the corner! but that's just the point, you're out there on the corner with your street-rapper cred i get it, but don't bash a brother for wanting to improve hisself. just like you don't make fun of the fat kid at the gym---he's trying to improve himself---instead give him a hug if you can. even if he's trying to interfere with the election. cos he's doing it for us. i've come to know a few of the top gifted music students here at Princeton and color me impressed. their theory trumps my theory of the case. no more black-on-black crime, that just does the Q's bidding. if we truly come together past the interest groups and nice Scrooge McDuck billionaires and consolidate, we can win. now what's the update, lieutenant?

Scrooge McDuck: wow. this is the first work i've ever done as an old man. my feathers are wet. interest is not interesting to me cos i'm always paying taxes. so i don't know computers but apparently The Comedy Cellar has been hit next. horrible scene down there in Manhattan, i still know it as Woody Allen's Manhattan. the Iranians clearly thought of this comedy club as their most crucial target cos of all the heretic Iranian-American comics who perform there, comedy is devastating to the Empire.

at The Orchid:

Jodie Whittaker: *with poignancy in her palate* Martha Scott looks like Lucille Ball. i wish Lucy were the mother of Doctor Who...

Eye Luggage: so yeah, my boyfriend's sleeping on the box spring. we used his old box spring as a box for soil to grow vegetables to feed the hungry in Somalia and other arid areas affected by climate change. the cat familiars were none too happy they couldn't use the box spring for their litter box.

the Girls in the room in a circle laugh out loud, they don't need to snicker under their breaths to cover their mouths no more.

Madame Pons: so yeah my boyfriend, we met over at the Sauna Central last night. i'm giving him some tips. i'm helping him with his oral.

the Girls all whistle and smile.

Madame Pons: no it's not like that! his oral exam. no not like that! just trying to boost his esteem-confidence with my aura and some lavender oils before he has to present on stage at the end of the semester.

Gladyce: *on the phone with Doryce* so...chocolate eggs? no, dear, they're just light-brown beige like they've been dusted with chocolate powder. but they're eggs. they're not the anal eggs you get at LUSH. now i have to go, a bitch is on my tail. why hello, dear!

Hazel: SMU.

Gladyce: that other college who shall not be named?

Hazel Mead: *exasperated* no, shaking my uterus.…...well!? you've stood in that exact spot without moving for 5 whole days now. come up with anything?

Gladyce: well there was that time Doryce invited me and took me by the hand as we saw her favorite college band together, little did we know what that night would turn out to be. turns out it was Yonic Youth not Sonic Youth, many were turned to our way of thinking that night. and then of course there's Bethel Church where the two of us first saw Rocky Horror Picture Show. now see I knew you had to participate in the thing not just watch it, but Doryce was young at the time and you know kids and their screens. the cops were called when Doryce turned the dental drill on the audience, she was still green, didn't know about appearances, how things were not a good look. my poor Doryce just wasn't used to interacting with the outside world. she's come a long way, baby!

Gladyce: btw, why does every journalist around here HAVE to have a cartoon of their face as their twitter profile image?

Hazel: we've banned Dirg from doing all of ours.

Meital Dohan: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

on the grassy knoll of Princeton, Meital Dohan has dewdrops falling from her eyes. her hair turns yellow---yellow not blonde---and upwards as she fists and yells:

Meital Dohan: I'M FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

then Meital achieves Saiyan not by orgasming but by her first loud exclamation of:

Meital: HOOAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

on the tv at the The Orchid offices:

President Bump: that new Prime Minister of Finland is a tasty snack. Blago never brags that's why i like him, his hair turned white in prison cos did you know prisoners make all those Magic Hair spraycans from leftover gangmembers' tagging graffiti cans and toilet water? the Acela Corridor is a long commutation.

Bloomberg, for what it's worth, gets up on stage in front of the drone cameras in Nevada and is the first presidential candidate to take out and wear the blue Socialist armband. immediately all the casinos in Las Vegas are shut down...

Hazel: ladies i think we can all agree amid all the commotion that this week's episode was strange. our mothers were always taught to honor Shelley's poetry. but which Shelley? Percy was just another fuckboi of the Romantic Age who made suicide pretty and desirable. Mary invented horror and sci-fi. why wasn't Mary made the focus? we will change this lurid trend TODAY, sisters!

Gladyce: Percy was no one's bysshe. at least that's what he told me as he was fucking my behind wearing a Don Juan mustache. i knew him, he kept going on about Gandhi and MLK. and then, strangely, as he was waiting for me to cum buckets, it was HE who squirted an entire lake! nothing came from my vagina.

Hazel: okay he inspired Cobain, that's the only one that's provable.

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: Dorothy Gayle apparently. will Snoop ever forgive Gayle?

Gayle King: i had a long talk with Snoop last night, he's the nicest man. it was weird cos i've never seen him angry before. and truth be told i thought he was half-dog. i will have anxiety for life now cos of him but that's all water under the L.A. River. never had anxiety before. Snoop told me he calmed down after smoking a bowl off Martha Stewart's ass. since they both wear monitoring bracelets that's code for licking guacamole off Martha Stewart's ass. whilst various insertions with the new Tostitos Strips.

Tyzik: the commercials tho.

Laertus: i mean you got the new Sonic commercial. the beef one, not the blue beef one. why the hell did they replace the Sonic guys!? they'll NEVER do better than the Sonic guys. and then McDonald's with the clear ripoff of the Arby's deep voice in their new ad. get more creative, people!

Dirg: that H&R Block black woman with the frizzy fro hair, yeah, we know, we noticed. H&R Black. her butt CLEARLY gets three sizes bigger in the next year of her doing this campaign of commercials.

Eye: Out Of Africa and go.

Dirg: SLOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW

cat familiars: before we start we MUST first talk about that dog! i mean, right? that's the most beautiful dog ever to grace film. and this is coming from their mortal enemies! deerhounds, who knew? all deers are Satanic of course...to which we say, see? if Satan is the source of all of our magic power, so be it! that dog is beautiful! graceful and gallant and elegant and with those fine legs and fur of grey and grey poupon! a real baroness bitch! we ship it! his name is Dusk from Scotland and should have won Westminster. like a fluffy Great Dane which is ironic cos Meryl Streep is Danish in this.

Prince Harry: i learned to play golf by watching Kendrick Lamar.

Meghan Markle: this is gonna be mad informative. man i wish i knew how that felt. i wish i were a Royal back then, they were so free!!!

Dirg: Meryl Streep has arrived to join our podcast. i'm keeping her in the soundproof booth as she enjoys munching on a danish i provided for her. can't be too careful nowadays with the strep-virus going around.

Eye: Suzanna Hamilton is in this, shame we didn't get more of her story. i was thinking we'd get a nice chunky bit of these three hours with the sensei/student relationship of Meryl Streep and Suzanna. but no, one minute she's thinking of becoming a feminist open outspoken rebel lover in charge of her own destiny like Karen Blixen with the real Pioneer Woman blitz, the next she's married like every other girl. no, girl, the purpose of a woman's life is NOT simply to be ravished. was Little Women out yet in paperback at this time? at the very least Suzanna can say that the conditions here in Africa were way more tolerable than any she experienced in the 1984 world.

Laertus: let's be honest, a film like this WILL NEVER BE MADE AGAIN. that's why it's so special. can you imagine a modern independent studio opting to do an epic sweeping grasslands romance like this? with a smoky train? in this day and age in modern times there isn't the will, the capital, or the patience. kids would literally walk out of the theatre after five minutes to go play video games on their screens in the lobby stairs. kids today think Ivory Merchant is soap.

Dirg: you think Meryl held her accent the entire film? you know they dubbed it in spots. for all of the finery and beige safari gear and lush landscapes, this is a very long episode of Day Of Our Lives. speaking of soap.

Eye: hey! Pat sent us a box again! an imbibable for us to enjoy as we discuss fine films! and this week's entry is: COFFEE of course! Newman's Own coffee of course!

Dirg: Robert Redford could have been an A&F model. but he didn't know how to fish.

Laertus: this is my kind of Bible! thanks Pat wherever you are! hey Dirg, sorry but your argument loses, our side wins. it's not flat.

Dirg: like Warren's college tits. but she had a good time anyway.

Laertus: you flatearthers lose. Africa makes the biggest argument. i mean how can you deny that poetry? it's one thing to make a scientific argument, but "the world is round so we don't see too far ahead" wins cos it's perfect poetry, POETRY! you can't argue with poetry, it's literature, it's art!!!

Dirg: that's the first time round is used where it's not meant to be around. syphilis tho.

Lana from Archer: syphilis, you rang?

Dirg: what's up with Regis Philbin. nobody has that perfect of a retirement. you gotta come out of your hole sometime. hey, don't bother the black man, he doesn't want to learn to read from the white man, don't do him any favors just cos Meryl Streep is clearly hot, it's his prerogative. he wants to be a street rapper to earn his keep. Meryl Streep didn't have the heart to tell that black-boy aspiring-cook that his jambalaya tasted terrible. cookboy got burned.

Eye: that Christmas tree during the New Years scene tho, that was the hot ticket, that was the vogue back then, to have a real Christmas tree lit with real lit candles. like, did anybody sense a fire hazard back then at the turn of the century? fire in a theater? in a theatre? and then of course poor Meryl's entire coffeehouse burns down.

Laertus: heck the candles-in-tree thing was still vogue in the '80s when this thing was filmed! again it's weird, it's dissonance, but you have to think of this film both ways: it's about 1913 people...but these same people are '80s people who love George Michael.

Dirg: first thing i thought of watching that fire burn was my Keurig machine...

Eye: it must have been wildly revolutionary to plant coffee fields instead of tea, after all this was the very HEIGHT of the British Empire.

Dirg: yeah looking back on it MAN but did the British fall! i mean seriously, what the fuck happened to Britain. you guys were an empire, a fucking empire, a sprawling epic romantic EMPIRE! you were the next-best thing to the Roman Empire in modern times. and then it...all...just...collapsed...

Laertus: ...under its own weight. from Shelley to Gandhi. Frankenstein to France always picking at the giant's knees. reminds me of a certain other wannabe Rome...

Eye: you know what happened to Britain? a certain country, starts with M as the locals pronounce it...

Laertus: and now for the most memorable scene: that plane ride. that really really drawn-out plane ride, good thing they had gas...

Dirg: my favorite kind of Nazi plane.

Laertus: ...across gorgeous unspoilt African landscape and countryside! back when God existed and had eyes! green and clean. waterfalls that is. that's when the director told his cameraman, "hey cameraman, buddy, ready to win the Oscar?" when Meryl as Karen lifts her arm to the back of her head to touch Redford's hand as they're flying, most romantic scene in film history? i say yes.

Eye: so do i! and now i got some great roleplay for us in the bedroom! doing a plane thing is gonna be tough but i'm up for the challenge!

Dirg: yuck. why wasn't Redford in Ford v Ferrari? can we turn the subject away from love. i had a rough Valentine's. i know!: death. you're good with these kinds of dark topics, right, Eye?

Eye: well we must talk about the funeral scene and Meryl's eulogy. he was not ours, he was not mine, but we loved him truly while he was here. perfect. perfect acting. and that poem, to an athlete who died young. more powerful poetry. stirring stuff.

Kobe Bryant: that poem was also recited at the eulogy to my funeral. there's give and take when it comes to loss. on the one hand there's untapped potential. on the other i will never grow old, always be a legend in the stars.

Dirg: no court can ever take that away from you.

Eye: i got choked up when we see that expansive blue sky and the clouds, it's as if God himself picked Redford up from his soil.

Dirg: soiled himself. the other dude tho, the guy who got shafted cos he wasn't Robert Redford. a nice enough fellow, provided for her, kept a roof over her head, just happened to not be as handsome as Robert Redford. his accent was always at the tip of my tongue. but i liked it, it was very Nazi.

Eye: Klaus Maria Brandauer. dude also gave her syphilis. and it's not cool to hunt duck for sport. this isn't a video game. go back to worshiping Mary as your brand.

Dirg: yeah cos ducks mate for life...

Dirg: i mean let's be honest, in real life these three were in a triangle. a real one not a Saved By The Bell one. they were the first documented throuple. they had multiple threesomes together with no consequences whatsoever. back then, a pregnancy was the same thing as a miscarriage.

Eye: ...a miscarriage of justice...

Dirg: not enough sex in this film. i mean shown sex. why did it have to be PG? it could have been R to juice up the hours and keep things realistic out there in the wild with nothing to do.

Eye: you still got Meryl's nice big smooth tits in a quick flash. i paused at the spot for my own purposes later. this is a romance, not a porn. fields not flesh. wheat not wet.

Dirg: i'm still puzzled as to how this movie won Best Picture and all those Oscars. i'm not sure it's as good as it thinks it is.

Laertus: i had the opposite reaction. going into it cold i was bracing for something saccharine and maudlin, but there's just something about Meryl Streep. that's why she's the queen, she has this secret power of drawing you into her aura for a few hours, you can't help but fall in love with all her foibles and fights. she wins you over despite yourself.

Dirg: she created the Left in America...

Eye: all those poor animals. i mean the lioness just trying to protect her young! did all these animals need to be shot in so vicious a way!

Dirg: all those loose wild lions and tigers and birds oh my would have viciously ripped the villagers to shreds! they would have EATEN the entire village! they had to be stopped!

Eye: this all arises out of the cruel meat chain we live and eat and die in not dine in. may we one day be woke folk to our eternal salvation! Impossible Whoppers will be the only thing on the GrubHub menu soon!

Dirg: it sure was lucky Meryl had real bullets in that rifle instead of fake movie-set bullets...

Dirg: you tell em, man! you expect a woman to tame a man!? a man must never be chained down, tied down. a man must be so free he wills himself to crash in a small plane young, fiery death, leaving all the women behind to fend for themselves, giving away all his future potential. the Graham Chapman Death. g'night, folks.

Michael Weiss on stage: Instagram is the only way poor people can experience how rich people live. till we get universal health care that is. they say it's bad form to look at a person's Instagram Stories if you're not following them, but i say why not. isn't that the way to make friends? by entering strangers' houses unannounced? i love when weird people look at my private stuff.

Pat and Julia Ioffe are at Van Nuys High. but Julia has disappeared...

Pat: where'd you go!? you gotta stay by me, i gotta do something important! more spy stuff?

Julia: no. went to the toilet. there's nothing like that feeling of absolute relief after a big poo. letting it slide out of my sphincter slowly. never pinch, let it all come out in loaves naturally. i laid with my butt a brown egg the size of a beachball. what do you want to do here? oh wait i gotta do something first...

she slides a Mexican elbow under the door of a Professor Lawrence O'Donnell's classroom.

Julia: another gammon don't worry about it. where to?

Pat: we gotta walk to the miniature-golf course.

Julia: too far. don't worry, i got transportation. i don't want you ruining your green jester shoes with the jingle bell.

Pat arrives on the golf course and sees nothing has changed at all. there's still the senior class of burnouts, cool kids, jocks, and prepping princesses all with their baggy shorts and beige bras and keys and tongues hanging out as they putt-putt around the course hitting the ball with their regulation golf clubs like this were a non-mini golf course. hitting the ball 100 yards into the 18th from the 1st.

Pat: man, this course is smaller than i thought it would be. it always loomed so large in my head.

Pat doesn't say a word. he simply walks over the course, cutting a straight line over all the rolling hills and snakey ways and sloppily-constructed windmills of greens and regulations and fair fairways and park benches and elf kingdoms along the way. Pat holds the hand of Julia who is quite chuffed at all this, redfaced and not taking it too seriously.

Julia: whatever this whole thing is, it's magical.

everyone there who watches this couple cut their own path---boys and girls alike---are so stunned and glassy-eyed they forget to finish the golf course or each other, they forget to make out on top of the windmill wheel---for extra orgasm---as they realize they are all late for the prom!

Pat: come on. nightcap.

Julia: got the keys? whatevs, i'll break us in.

Pat and Julia spend the entire night into morning slowdancing in the halls of the high school alone. on the dirty mopped waxy floors where they see their reflections but only wavily. they dance cheek-to-cheek without music---as if in the pre-silent disco era---eyes closed, smiles on their faces. and yes, Pat is shorter than Julia so sometimes it's mouth-to-boob. in the dark, only feeling each other.

Pat and Julia are dancing together holding hands with no space inbetween them inside Pat's locker from his highschool days. the locker is shut and locked...

FOX SHOULD HAVE NEVER CANCELED LUCIFER

notes:

* The Devil takes notes...

* which is ironic cos Fox, The Devil, you know...

* Lucifer: Babe Ruth's records are all tainted, too, i made sure of that. nobody's clean, i can only thrive in equal-opportunity chaos. and i hate prayer. back then in Babe's time they used iphones to cheat. obviously they had to keep the tech secret all these years or the Commissioner would find out. let me put it to you this way, the Commissioner back then wore a wifebeater shirt in his office. as you can see, a tiny Kuato third hand grows out of my bellybutton, i am the only man who ever lived who can suck his own dick, it's cool to be The Devil!

* Lucifer: Chobani, you can't trust it, it's from Asia.
me: what is this, an '80s anime?
Lucifer: Chobani, you can't trust it, it's from Iran.
me: what is this, the '80s?
Lucifer: it's yogurt tho, it's full of sugar, it will rot your teeth. look at all the nuts in there! i'm not talking about that Phoenix statue over there. when you bite down on those nuts with your compromised teeth they will shatter into sugar!
me: but your smile is so perfect and pearly-white and shiny.
Lucifer: i was the doctor on that other Fox show about plastic surgery...

* student eating Doritos in plain red or blue bag with no label or logo: why is the light so bright in the university library?
Lucifer: this is Hollywood, kid! this is Showbiz U!!!

* Lucifer: i have Elvis sideburns and a purple Riddler suit so you won't recognize me, so you'll think i'm your uncle you haven't seen in a while who was on Jackass that one time. HEY! that oil painting has nudity!!!
student with headphones on: what?
Lucifer: what are you listening to? Beats By Dre? a silent disco?
student: no they're noise-canceling headphones so i can study in here.
Lucifer: no more canceling!!! do you want me to sic Joker on you again?

* Golem descends from the spotlight staircase.
Golem: so i'm the new CEO of Chobani. i have no business experience whatsoever. have you seen my creepy cover? i really am just some ginger kid from Cornwall who should have been locked up and institutionalized a long time ago but managed to escape and blag it over to dissonant electronica...
Golem drives a tank through the library...

* Lucifer: PIZZA DELIVERY! thrown like a frisbee! have you ever seen a book before, young millennial? it's filled with sugary candy!!!
student: oh yeah my dad told me about this. life is like a box of chocolates, right?

* Lucifer: you brush away my donuts? how rude! who do you think you are, Taylor Swift!?
student: i'm not into you. the last perosn who did that to me was Homer Simpson and you see what happened to him. i see your cane in my face and i know you're signaling me but you won't throw me off my game, i figured out how to suck my own dick, too, i wrote down the formula on this notebook page here before you so rudely placed donuts on top of my formula.

*Lucifer: second commercial, who the hell is the hot babe!!? why don't i know her so i can influence her!!? why is she not on my list? that's cruel, God!!!

* Lucifer: see? continuation. i'm using the donuts from the last first commercial. and there's shelves and shelves of baby powder in this office for some reason.

* Lucifer: watch out! the vending machine will crush you!!!
woman: no thanks, chips are murder on my thighs.
Lucifer: you have a phat ass don't you want a fat ass? man i need to work on my game, it's been a couple thousand years since i invented the dating app. um, can i borrow your beige skirt? i'll unzip it myself don't trouble your pretty little head. it's just that God is a woman and i've always wanted to be God...

* Lucifer: i knew we were soul mates of color! now i recognize you, The Pink Ranger, the Asian one! what the hell have you been doing? don't say porn i don't want God to rub it in.

Lucifer: can i come up and see you sometime?
God: but you can't cum.
Lucifer: *fist* curse you, woman! to the moon, Alice! please? you see i'm wearing the number 7 you gave me for my birthday, it's squiggly but it's still a seven!

* woman: so are we gonna fuck or what. that's how these commercials end, right?
Lucifer: uh, what? let me flame out the wax from my ears.
woman: you're Justin Guarini, right? the Lil Sweet Dr Pepper glam-rock muchkin?
Lucifer: no i'm obviously John Stamos...i've been working on this university court case for a friend for ages now...

CLICK HERE

AND THEN HERE

happy weekend, my babies

you know, this Saturday will be a mystery for the first time in quite some time. i honestly don't know what the fast food will be. in keeping with my purple theme all this week i need to get a new mattress tomorrow before the hole in my old mattress turns into a black hole. so, Purple Mattress, cos i support Tim & Eric from the alt-right mob. and so i'm gonna have one of those Papa John's Papazinis things with purple onion, cos the old guy from Romania at the deli-counter one time said to me i'd never be a man unless i ate purple onion

PRINCETON PAT: MENTAL MARGARITA

it's snowing.

Pat has forgotten what room Julia Ioffe is in, partly because all the rooms look alike and partly because all the rooms look different.

Pat: plus i am still in a haze. i am always in a haze now it seems. i can't concentrate on my studies anymore such as they are. that girl has my head constant and knocked forward. but the one thing i did remember were the special shoes.

at a random hallway Pat sticks his leg out hoping to trip his secret love. Julia, one door down, opens her door:

Julia: kinky. come. in.

Julia: OOOOH I LOVE YOUR SHOES!!! so exotic! what are they? get naked wearing only them so i can get a good frame for staring at them. i love to stare at shoes.

Pat: they're mukluks. i thought you'd especially like them, very native.

Julia: nice. very Korra.

Julia looks out her window.

Julia: well how do you like that? it's snowing and i didn't even notice! i've been distracted. wow, well you win! again! that was very creative. do me however you want.

Julia jumps on her palatial bed and splays her body out legs open like scissors. she says a few yellow words into her teeth and POOF she becomes a ball, all her tangled limbs fold into this ball and she presents as sinply one big round juicy wet bouncy butt on the bed:

Julia: do your worst.

after ten sessions:

Julia, looking out her window: awww, the snow hasn't melted yet. try again!

Pat needs a drink of water afterwards---he doesn't notice the curve of the water-fountain water has crystalized into a frozen waterfall---and bumps into Cotard who is in the middle of his five minutes of silence hands in the prayer position:

Pat: hello Father. what's the haps? sorry, i get stupid after i fuck my dream girl while still can't believing it's not a dream.

Cotard is wearing a stovepipe hat and a shirt which reads GOD'S BITCH.

Cotard: just praying for all the rapes. and the pimping out of daughters by fathers. i'm visiting my girl Marianne Williamson, my main mom madam, who's teaching one classroom over. she's, uh, got a lot of time on her hands now. and she's pissed off that she couldn't get Auditorium W. i've prayed like this in every spot on campus, every square inch of Princeton. it's taken me a decade but what's time to me anyway.

Marianne in her small cramped empty classroom: girls, we've lost the plot! the Bump Administration has made us soft and lazy again! stare at my barbecue pussy, my pulchritudinous pussy brushed with a tangy sauce of lime New Age crystals, and be cured! we gotta get back to bonding! i mean boxing! no more of this Sarah Lawrence shit, we gotta speak up for our sisters! our fellow females, fight! solidify! solidate! now who wants a T-shirt?...sorry ladies, there's only one GODDESS BITCH T-shirt, I wear that one!...

Bezos: nothing nefarious, just buying it for an Eyes Wide Shut party, not for any Lex Luthor stuff...

outside on the lawn a winner is making a speech. the hilltops and hillocks and college spires and rooves and garage patio pathways which slink up to professors' private residences on the university grounds and gateways are all covered in mounds of snow, latticed with ice, but there's just enough green to get by:

Siba: i won Westminster...and i thought this would be Oxford *crowd laughs*. my name translates as Norwegian black metal...

the cat familiars notice the tiny house by the corner of the expanse of lawn, Dershowitz is inside it:

cat familiars: Professor? what are you doing in there? you're at the wrong place...

Dershowitz: this is the only space i can find comfort and some space and quiet in the entire world. i'm so cramped in here my legs and arms are in a pretzel, the only difference is...no sex i swear! and i didn't drive to the river...obviously...the river is frozen...as is my gas tank...

the cat familiars: how do you do it, Siba? you have powers we can only hope to conceive with or without proper study. how do you disappear so easily?

Siba: take one look at me, one gander. society has made me invisible from the start.

cat familiars: right on, brother.

Siba: i feel bad for Daniel...he had to strip naked in front of the horse...

Joe Pera: class i want you to envision me telling you a story. see it wasn't my fault. i was a gifted child as you can tell fom my glasses and went to university at a very early age. i thought the professor here had my back and would help me and be the father figure i so longed for. turns out he only stared at my back. he turned into a sex pest before noon. this creep had the audacity to make a pass at me. me! talk about useless! i wasn't like that, these weren't the 4.0 days. so what could i possibly gain from this. and so i accidentally murdered him with a book. now i'm not saying this is a Princeton problem or a professor problem or a pedo problem...

Cotard: it's a priest problem...…...sorry i mean it's a trinity problem...

Diane Neal: oh no Joe! by the way Joe, who the hell are your parents anyway?...

at the job-recruit studio Rubikon went to:

Ricky Gervais: i have to hand it to you...

Dolly Parton: don't you TOUCH me teabags unless you want me to make you into a goose from a gander with one shot!

Ricky: no i mean your meme, that's one of the cleverer memes to come around along in a while in quite some time.

Dolly: yeah and i'm not even one of the Hollywood elite, i'm as country as you! fat, too!

Ricky: well i'm fat you're……...you've proven you're more than a pair of tits.

Dolly: what are you doing, Ricky!

Ricky: i'm showing you my naked arse in the hopes of farting rainbows in your face to impress you. look Dolly, my band and me really need a gig, can we PLEASE play Dollywood?

Dolly: fine. but only if you show me your Tinder pic...

Jodie Whittaker attends her weekly psychiatrist meeting. with Psychiatrist Federer as The Master in disguise:

Jodie: cold!

Psychiatrist Federer: when you found out Graham had cancer and you tried to pretend he didn't exist anymore? oh you mean the room, soz, i'll check the thermostat.

Jodie: i don't get it, doc. i thought this would be good for me, good for the world. it would elevate women. but it's been hard being the only one. i thought this week's episode would cure my mental health and bring Iranian/American relations together. but each week i read the messageboards and it's so damn depressing as hell. are there any fans out there at all? or is it all gammons nagging on about the Valeyard?

Psychiatrist Federer: hey, chin up, girl. you've influenced so many young girls you don't even know your secret might. those reading your wisdom behind a screen. you've touched the little girl in me. be not felled. do not be fooled by what's out there. do NOT i repeat do NOT open any email or text with the screenname soyboy on it...

Jodie, back at the dorm room: hey no men! i'm freezing my plikey arse off in here!

Eye Luggage: oh it's just Laertus, i'm showing him what he can do with his bed, like the way i have it, see, dear? your mattress has a big hole in it for a year now, i'm starting to notice!

Laertus: i've hate-named it The Gulch.

Eye: the hole is created cos it sits on a box spring which sits on a metal fight-club cage frame. take away the cage.

Laertus: i was thinking of fashioning a block of wood for underneath with just the exact dimensions of my single-extra-tall-long mattress but i forgot i wasn't Norm Abram, i just have his PBS totebag.

Eye: your boxspring is still good, right? chuck the mattress for a new used one cheap, put it on top of the boxspring, no under-frame, and that's it, the floor acts as the straightening-level you need! your back will thank you. that's what i do, Inuyasha Japanese-style, i simply plop one mattress on my floor and voila! in fact my boxspring IS my mattress! one item! minimalist, the way college was intended, there's no room in college rooms for all that jazz!

Laertus: and it's safer, nothing under for the cat familiars to get crushed under.

Doryce: they'd just disappear before. i'd heat the room......but my baby ain't home! what's the point? you know what i'll do, i'll wait for her by making another egregious purchase that she's sure to come home when she sees the bill! i'm gonna be the first person in the history of the universe to actually buy a bbq smoker from a grocery store!

Pedro in San Francisco: the city's depressed not just me. all the red and gold 49ers streamers around every cheese shoppe and wine depot and salami centre and grocery store were quickly taken down. i've seen that smoker at The Store, it sits on a pile of icebags in the middle where an aisle used to be...

Doryce, on the phone: hello, dear. where are you? come home!

Gladyce: you know where i am, dear. headquarters. you've been cleaning up. you know which box my record collection's in, all those LPs will keep you warm at night.

Doryce: you've got some pretty hipster stuff in here, babe.

Gladyce: does FM-84 come before or after M83 in the dictionary?

Dirg: Ollie Wride has the best woman-voice from a man i've ever heard. that's just not right, thought he was a woman all along, his voice took me on a ride before it took me for a ride. best since that communist Jimmy the Vile Savile from the leftist enabling BBC.

Laertus: not cool dude. you mean Jimmy Somerville, and he doesn't count, his is pure manly falsetto. think a Vienna Choir Boy who cleaned up at church-dance night.

Eliza Hopewell: hello. hope all is well.

Gladyce: oh hello, dear. oh Dor and i used to dress wells! with flowers and rave sticks and pickles. memories yes. well, we visited Mimi Choi cos we knew Monty Python stole all their ideas from her Eastern brand of crazy. that was nightmarish, the good kind. then we hopped over to Tehrangeles for some esoterica. to smooth over relations. it's Pershing Square but it's really Persian Square.

President Bump on the phone: Kim? KIM! don't hang up on me! get Sharon Choi in my bed NOW! i want her to translate all the strange noises which come from my butt at night.

Orchid Girls Jessica Meir and Christina Koch are having a row by the organic tea:

Jessica: i thought you said space is for all!

Christina: yes but i'm married.

Jessica hugs Christina REAL hard for a REAL long time, five minutes flat. later that evening, alone in her flat, Jessica rereads Little Women.

Gladyce: so as i can see, there's a lot of lovin' that goes on in this room...so afterwards here's the secret, dears, use SCENTED trash bags! marvelous things. masks the clams-stench so only we know what's going on, nobody else's business! do not use Venus spray, that's a man's industrial product. i don't have time to clean.

Bump: *to Nancy* acquitted in perpetuity

Nancy: impeached in perpetuity

Bump: Acquitted In Perpetuity

Nancy: Impeached In Perpetuity

Bump: okay either way that's a lot of icing to write on this peach cake...

outside the brick house, Rosario Dawson frolics naked in the briarpatch. and Prince Harry and Cobain have something to talk about when their Briarpatch alt-magazine arrives at their Canadian store where they work. L.L. Bean is now a coffee shop...

Stephen A Smith: man oh my god! i thought i'd have a fun time doing the Oscars for my first time just as a lark for my boss Mickey Mouse but man was it a drag! George that poor sap of a dumb teddy bear. he's been doing the Red Carpet reporting his whole damn life and he kept sticking a mic in my face asking me in between slobbers why Hollywood---the industry he dedicated his life to---is suddenly getting a bad rap now. i told him don't complain if you don't vote. dude looked like a Modern Family reject. i was able to drink Maria Menounos's milk when she wasn't looking...

Kornheiser: i saw that. she turned both her heads...

Wilbon: FINALLY Inside Edition doesn't promote one of their segments and actually calls its pranksters knuckleheads!

Rubikon unveils his plan on the stump in New Hampshire:

Rubikon: we'll get those Iranians! the war is on, reports are they've already killed 10 of our men, we will retaliate in kind, we have to! they use secret invisible tornados to surprise bomb-blast, they've done this and taken out TRL at the MTV Studios in New York City. i will fight the only way i know how from my days on the frontlines of being a kid: i've ordered our factories and farms to mass-produce long retractable metal single Doc Oc arms as we speak...

Bernie Sanders on the stump in New Hampshire:

Bernie: thank you for staying up late, i know it's the shank of the evening and i need my NyQuil. i'll keep this brief. we're right. right? i have all the resources i need. i mean renewable sources...

Henry: can you call me Arthur?

Madame Pons: not yet. you hear that? it's the faint sound of the point of your dance shoe rubbing up against the crunchiness of the mic here. i'm an ASMRtist now!

Henry: it sounds so tipsy. but i was first attracted to you when i heard your booming reassuring voice!!! when you pronounced each word so strongly and demonstrably, each syllable laced with cosmic compassion.

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: the Oscars commercials are always better than the Super Bowl commercials. i especially loved that McDonald's-of-every-celebrity one. i'll give Takahashi a call...

Laertus: that KFC commercial? that chicken looks like a taco with the sunset behind it, i thought it was a Taco Bell commercial.

Eye: and that glorious goth fork with the chicken-feet for tines. who's more annoying: Asta or Zenitsu?

Eye: while Tyzik contemplates that for eternity, as his head flies up to the stars, Earth Girls Are Easy and go.

Dirg: a long music video.

Laertus: a love-letter to Los Angeles.

Eye: The Valley is a separate entity from Hollywood or Los Angeles, it's its own thing, its own region like the Middle East. Geena says she's from the Valley, not L.A. i want the soundtrack. but it's out-of-print and rare. only available in Japan.

Laertus: San Fernando Valley, right? and all those glorious suburbs. i suppose it wouldn't be as cool if you referred to yourself as being from San Ferdy. Geena Davis is yet another version of Dorothy Gale by her name. but the real revelation here is Julie Brown. she is TALENTED!!! she wrote this and came up with all the songs. the Blonde song was hilarious.

Dirg: Julie's tits. yep. i'm sure they were that big in high school, too. that's why she was prom queen.

Eye: Gidget tribute. it was still fashionable in the '80s to crush blondes like that, and i am all for it and bringing that back! the roots of goth. what about that nightmarish Twilight Zone sequence tho! masterful and eerie and wonderfully jarring and out-of-place. that was unexpected! i love when the alien kid is jumping on a pogo-stick shaped like the planet Saturn and the mom gets mad, hahaha!

Laertus: i remember that toy. Julie Brown and Pee-wee's Playhouse, match made in heaven, never have two ethoses been meant for each other so completely! you see the angle of the rooms and roofs and the playful colorful Art-Deco design of the house in this? you know Julie had that exact same snooping-old-lady neighbor at her real house! gotta admit, was not expecting this to break into song and be a musical. you know Jim Carrey and Damon Wayans were hatching plans for In Living Color while on set. which Julie Brown became more famous in the end? her or the MTV one? tough to say...

Pat: after all, they say MTV is scum. Van Nuys High, keep a note of that for later. hey guys, a shipment has just come in! special-order, drinks for us to share while we gab. magaritas...frozen margaritas!

Eye: the only box that matters! good, they're better that way.

Dirg: like Ebert said: this film is a piece of delicious cotton candy. i feel so bad for Charles Rocket tho. it wasn't like he did it right after his SNL blunder, he had a long and distinguished beautiful flowering career and THEN he did it. there's no justice in this world. Orson Bean another one, after AFTER a long life well-lived, how tragic and ironic the ending.

Eye: he got what he deserved. i mean he's got Geena Davis---who is FORCED to wear that pink bikini the whole time---and yet he is still not satisfied? he cares more about his stupid fish!?

Dirg: not cool for them to hold up the nurse with a gun like that, nurses have rights, too. what she's just collateral damage? tinnitus before Archer. huh, it's so funny how back then celebrities were held in such high regard and valued. everyone back then loved Nancy Reagan, Mel Gibson, and Cher. and the National Enquirer!!!

Eye: back then the Enquirer was just some goofy rag no one took seriously...

Dirg: not cool for the spaceship to be shaped like a blowdryer that lands in the water. sends the wrong message to kids. Deca Dance=Decadence, get it? the dance club. and of course the Cage before Maya Angelou...

Eye: that spaceship was weird, it was like a Yellow Submarine banana...

Dirg: yellow dub. at da club. the only thing i would do in the '80s is shake Ronald Reagan's hand. oh and the cops! the cops here were treated like goofy benevolent one-of-the-guys! harmless. they were treated so nice here i can even fogive the forced gayness later.

Laertus: oh and Michael McKean as the surfer dude! he absolutely DISAPPEARS into that role! had no idea it was him, his accent is so foreign. i have that same green-eyeshade tennis-and-taxes visor with CALIFORNIA emblazoned on the front of it.

Dirg: no matter the era 7-Eleven workers ALWAYS have to prove they're the real Americans! oh, and Goldblum sure learned to speak fluent English mighty fast there!

Eye: i wanted to be a Valley girl when i was young so bad, they talked so rad. later i found out my dad was the genuine article: he was bred in Van Nuys, he was a genuine Valley boy! and he distinctly remembers when they had to cancel his Catholic school for one day cos the roads were blocked off for filming of the backwards-car-chase scene of this very film Earth Girls! just think about this: this movie was made AFTER The Fly...awkward for Geena and Jeff. i love the ending tho, it's romantic. every girl wants outer-space love. you don't have to marry, girl, marriage isn't the end-all-be-all. and Charles Rocket wouldn't have learned his lesson, after his coma he woulda gone right back to E.T.'ing the poor three tricolor aliens and saying he discovered Doctor Who. the only way Charles Rocket would learn his lesson would be to go on that rocket and become a slave on their planet. Love Touch was the original name of KY Jelly. and Julie Brown, there is such poignancy and pain in her voice as she delivers that line: happy trails. a lot of past loss and longing in that linereading. the subtle quiver in her lip made me tremble. g'night, folks.

Brooke Shields: i split with my Calvins.

Julia Ioffe: your jeans? yeah the rip we know that commercial. girl why you look so sad? you should be laughing.

Brooke: Calvin was my bipolar boyfriend...

Pat: let's do something.

Julia: Princeton are party-poopers. they're all dead inside. there's not much in the way of pranks here, it gets old to them fast. i tried to liven up the place once by placing flour in an envelope and sending it to the Home Economics Department, but that did not go over well. good thing the campus cops never found out who did it.

Michael Weiss on stage, smiling: hate looking at beefcakes on Instagram? a hangnail can fell a 400-pound muscleman. like Bama. make him squirm in his seat and render him useless to accomplish the most menial of tasks. he can't even pick up a trash can. trash can't. that's why i keep my gentleman fingernails well-manicured at all times. i like getting my toes sucked. with my lithe soft hand i am able to hold that thin book of Goodnight Moon not letting it drop to the floor imparting to my little niece the wisdom of the ages. THAT's power, ladies and gentlemen, i hold the power of light in my hand!

Pat takes Julia by the hand and they traverse over up the hill to the university golf course, still open with new flakes of snow landing gently in each hole and covering the surrounding green with grey. Pat takes Julia by the hand again to dance her in a circle. slowly. as if time has stopped, which it has for the both of them not needing to attend classes. both with their tongues out wide open to accept the snow as they sloppy-kiss. Julia closes her eyes for the first time.

Pat: you know what, no, why must this remain secret forever. I WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW! I WANT THE STARS TO KNOW!!!