E.T. 2: IT WON'T END LIKE FROSTY THE SNOWMAN DOES!!!

notes:

* seriously, this would have made a great E.T. 2. but there's also the school of thought that E.T. was one of those perfect films which needs no sequel and in fact the sequel would just tarnish the original. don't mess with perfection. this is always tricky for me. cos if something is SO good, you want more of it, right? but i also understand LESS IS MORE. this is what it means to live as a human in this reality of duality.

* yeah but maybe, you could expand this 5-minute longform commercial and make it a kind of short that could appear on PBS's Imagemakers sometime. just a thought. online-only of course, streaming.

* i remember my first poof. that is, my first knit cap. it had a poof on the top of it. it kept my head warm. it was also unbeknownst to me the first sort of commercial thing i owned. well my parents bought for me. they were hawking these caps along with mugs but no muggings outside the street where i saw my first film---E.T.. i still have this knit cap, has ET.'s smiling face on the Naruto forehead, rainbow-colored but mostly reds and blues, and it still swallows up my small pointy head. it smells like the '80s. god, i mean i was just a kid but i was in the midst of the Renaissance of Culture, i mean frickin' E.T. was my first movie!!! i was one lucky boy!!!

* whereas take my next-door-neighbor Roy, whose first movie was Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore...

* is that supposed to be a frozen ice popsicle?......that's ominously melting?...or E.T.'s neck?...

* and yes, i broke my arm the first time riding my bike pretending to be Elliott

* not the Home Alone house

* wife: honey, i told you not to move the family to the X-Files Canadian woods from the early seasons!

* train, you are free to cross! there's no one around cos trains don't exist anymore!
doll: in the '80s a doll could have red hair and it wasn't deemed evil. as long as it was made of straw or wicker...

* Elliott: you got a bowl of icewater, making spaghetti?
wife: no, i'm gonna get this tattoo removed, it's of a certain leader...

* wife: what are you looking up online? alien porn?
Elliott: no, my xfinity bill is 300 pages long...

* got my gun i mean my flashlight

* girl: remember when the Colts were good? remember when you could still win goldfish at the county faire?
E.T.: Pepperidge Farm remembers, i mean the '80s remembers...
boy: THAT'S NOT A SNOWMAN!!! IT HAS WEIRD ALIEN HANDS, NOT CARROTS!!! WE DON'T EAT CARROTS IN THIS HOUSEHOLD, THIS FAMILY SURVIVES ON THREE SQUARE MEALS CONSISITNG SOLELY OF REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS!!!

* E.T.: fuck, kids, you scared me. remember, they're more scared of you than you are of it. don't they teach you that at Steve Irwin Academy?
kids: you really freaked us out!
E.T.: i know i know, people say my teeth are really creepy. but think about when that alien from Close Encounters smiled at the humans, i mean that was creepy, right? how would you know if you're a human that the alien would smile just like a human!!? but what creeps me out is that i don't have a glowing heart in my chest anymore...

* E.T.: Elliott?
kids: so that's our dad's name...
E.T.: ELLIOTT! i learned to spell your name correctly! the gangsta way with two Ls and two Ts! how are you, you shit bastard! give your old friend a tongue-lick. wow, i hardly recognize you, you've changed so much.
Elliott: yeah, i started wearing grunge plaid during the '90s...that music helped me get through the pain of you leaving me...

* girl: coulda introduced your daughter first, dad.
wife: so this is who you're having an affair with?

* Elliott: i missed you, Bug Eyes! right after you left i broke my arm for the first time cos i tried to fly my bike as always. i've had a love-hate relationship with the full moon ever since.
E.T.: yeah i'm not liable for that, kid.
Elliott: wanna continue that painting you did in the '80s? the easel and pad are right there.
E.T.: you couldn't do art for shit. no thanks, you can't paint nudes anymore in this culture.

* E.T.: oh man, i loved the godlike powers i had to resuscitate dead flowers. that orange made me horny, hornier than when Drew Barrymore grew up. sadly, now with Roundup pesticide, my magic is useless on Earth...

* Elliott: a lot's changed since you don't come round here no more.
E.T.: what? the internet? we had the internet on my planet 5000 years ago, it caused the fall of our civilization.
Elliott: what happened?
E.T.: we got in a neverending war with Alf's species over cat videos.

* boy: it's called the internet, i don't understand how it works, makes my head explode.
E.T.: i'll show you how the internet works, bitch. i mean boy. sorry, preparing for the trolls. come with me to your sister's room, let's do some drugs from my homeworld. you know i've had my head actually explode before...

* Elliott: how'd you get lost the first time, E.T.?
E.T.: i took a wrong turn and your fucking planet Pluto got in my way, so i blew it to smithereens...

* girl: mom, E.T. is eating cupcakes for dinner again! i don't have to eat my greens!
wife: what a missed opportunity! imagine if E.T had promoted broccoli instead of candy in the '80s...

* E.T.: what's this virtual-reality shit, boy? it's just i hate that guy Reality. no more Tim & Eric, bring back Sam Hyde!

* E.T.: a dinosaur movie? surely my film beat that dinosaur film.
Abraham Lincoln: hold my beer...

* E.T.: yeah i don't need to wear a snowcoat or ride a sled, snow sucks. Rosebud was my mom...

* girl: when do i get my E.T. knit cap with the poof on the tail as my Christmas gift?

* Elliott: which holiday classic do you want to see, E.T.? Elf or The Polar Express?
E.T.: there's only one answer to that question.
Elliott: don't be alarmed, don't be scared. but some FBI agents will be coming over later this afternoon, the neighbors are looking through our windows and seeing you on our couch...
E.T.: Elliott, Bing Crosby is making me feel things...…...down there...

* Elliott: wanna brush your teeth, bud?
E.T.: not now.
Elliott: is that hologram of your home and mom?
E.T.: my planet was destroyed by global warming.
Elliott: it's a lesson for us.
E.T.: not really. your planet is doomed, you waited too long to fix things.
Elliott: you know, your design is so kid-friendly. with the giraffe neck and head shaped like a baby-grand-piano, your god is a wondrous god. i never realized the first time, but you have the most beautiful big blue eyes!
E.T.: not now, bud.

* kids: what are you doing with the bike, bud. stealing it?
E.T.: no, i just want to go out and get some milk and barbecue...

* wife: honey, i think i got into your stash again, i'm seeing our children fly without drugs (hopefully)...

* E.T.: okay, so all of you grew up, i didn't grow up, i'm still the same age as in the '80s. that spaceship has been parked here this whole time at this same spot in the woods since the '80s...

* boy: dad, that nigga made me his own species of alien!!! i ain't no human no mo!!!

* and on the next family vacation, the family went to a real black hole...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Sicilian pizza from Pizza My Heart. you know what that means!: cup pepperoni!...…...hey, so Sicilian pizza is just French-bread pizza? EU for life...

CROSSINGS: THE JOKER TAKES A DIFFERENT PATH

Turley at The Hearings:

Turley: so i have to be here for balance. The Founding Fathers would be appalled at this impeachment. their powdered wigs would catch on fire for the first time NOT cos of Lisztomania. a phone call from the Batphone? who is President Bump, Batman? in fact most of these Founding Fathers would have NO IDEA what a phone was!!!...SLOW DOWN!!! i want to be on tv more...…...in other more important news, i am NO LONGER jealous of Robert Mueller...

President Bump: i don't get it, why don't i STILL not get invited to parties? Bojo, The Handsome One, and The Frog are all yucking it up at the soiree sockhop and i'm all by my lonesome. where the fuck is Melania?

Melania and Ivanka are playing cards against each other in the drawing room.

Ivanka: Hearts?

Melania: Spades.

Ivanka: you know, i'm more of a wife to him than you. i mean that metaphorically of course.

Melania: of course. that olive jacket i wore was directed at you.

Ivanka: we really need to communicate better, i'd use the email server but...

Melania: let's make up like we always do by making out at TJ MAXX, where we buy all our clothes. just remember, Mizz Honey Peroxide, i'm the better-looking one cos i come from the Old Country.

Vlad Putin: speaking of phone, may i confront my Member Devin Nunes's member?

Nunes: get him away from me! RECESS!!! DISNEY'S RECESS!!!

Putin and Nunes meet in Nunes's locked cocked office.

Nunes: *eyes closed* what more do you want from me!

Putin: just remember, you're the only person left in the world who has a public payphone in his office. i screwed the last bolt in myself, you should be honored. all we ask is that you give the receiver a once-over spit-shine every once in a while.

Nunes: i know. and i'll only use the coins you give me in the envelope each month.

Putin: that's right, boy, no stray tokens for you to go off galavanting in Atlantic City piers on old arcade cabinets under salty skies. who do you think you are? Steven Universe? even to your lover...

Lev: ...hello...honey?...

Devin: not now, man...

Lev: come on, man, be my Zack Morris Phone again. i need your warm embrace in my arms, HE is a stranger to me now. the media portrays it like we're a couple, like we're the Real Bert & Ernie, but we're not like Portlandia at all!

Devin: um, can you call back? call block. wrong number, i have company...no Igor here...

Lev: can you still call back on public phones?

Putin: Igor was my nickname in elementary school when my strict blonde-haired schoolmarm scold of a spanking teacher named Hillaria first saw me smile...

Rudy: sit, Mr. Bump. i really need you to dissolve SDNY now and fast! you can do that, right? i was the head of it so i give you permission.

Bump: people can't see me anymore as the game-show host. but i'm still that same guy...

President of Ukraine: you talkin' to me?

Bojo: yeah i mean like i was just telling Queenie, Brexit is gonna move Thanksgiving back to its original Thursday. The Three Stooges will finally get off my case about it.

The Queen bonks Bojo over the head with her brolly.

Vic Mignogna: what? did somebody say my name? i need a win badly, the nog didn't help.

The Queen: Boris you minge mutt! Thanksgiving for us is like Black Thursday, a day of mourning, that's when we officially lost our grip on our people and they proved they could live overseas away from home in a faraway land like navy college students---Our Navy. that land, America, was later renamed Shangri-la by Anthony Bourdain, not Gordon Ramsay.

Macron: so Justin, how'd you get out of it? how'd you squeak by?

Trudeau: i just agreed to move the planned Aladdin Live production that was supposed to take place here in Canada this Christmas to a later date. also, see, Canadians are very smart people, they realize that humans make mistakes.

Kellyanne Conway: Wolf i just can't believe you people in the media, you guys are all a bunch of heartless vultures! a vicious immoral bunch you is!

Wolf: what? all i asked is if i'm invited to your wedding.

at the Coronado, things are getting patched up...with needle and sewing thread...the crones are intertwined together like a naked wet pretzel in a drained tub filled to the brim with sucked-off turkey bones.

Doryce: thanks to a little stars i didn't have to invite Darcy from Degrassi or The Smashing Pumpkins. a lil kindness from the stars. see, love, i'm knitting for you...well it's a damn miracle i'm knitting at all! i don't knit, i'm a young woman in her sexual prime! i'm the one who yells at Bama,

DESTROY ME, DADDY!

but we're knitting together, you're the right hand i'm the left, a metal V for vagina, and we're creating a gift for the both of us: cute woolen woven beige socks. with holes in them. known as The Hidden Mistake in knitting circles, and witch circles. to let the spirits out.

Gladyce: love you, babe, i'm over it. all i need to eat is you. you're My Favorite Hidden Mistake. i came up with that song first, before the cock crowed.

Doryce: NOW you're thinking like me!

Gladyce: that food manic episode was all you, babe. i mean that whole carton of 32 cup-a-soups you got, only YOU drink chickenbones cup-a-soup, that was just for you!

Doryce: okay okay, but what's the deal with you and apple pie? you DEVOURED that gigantic 32-ton apple pie.

Gladyce: it's the crust, that lattice crisscross crust gets me horny, makes me think of the socks pattern you just designed for me.

Doryce: any life hacks? life hacks lead to love hacks...

Gladyce: get rid of all the boxes in your house. and the Treehouse. you know how? by putting the food items in plastic bags, i did that with all 40 of the pink-filling Twinkies we still have in the house. that should get them eaten, if they're seen from afar like art. and regular bacon. never get regular bacon. i have to strip the strips in half, strip off the fat side to put in the trash and leave the meat side. for some reason, the THICK bacon i can eat whole.

Doryce: for me i eat the regular bacon whole, i don't need to buy gum anymore so it works out...…...i'd go to the eye doctor right now so i can see your face better but it's a scam...

Gladyce: we feel each other.

Kaep: did you see that Ravens/49ers tilt this last weekend? THAT RIGHT THERE would have been an awesome Super Bowl!!! right? right, man? in the rain and everything---extra-hard conditions like an all-out contest-for-everything should be---yesmaam---ending the hard-fought collision on a hard field-goal. btw, when a white guy advocates for drugs and Satanism, it's cool in this society for some reason. blacks like metal, too. man that game brought back memories! sure we lost, but i was in a goddamn Super Bowl! remember?, i was good! no, it wasn't just the defense!

Jay Leno is giving the eulogy in the tragic funeral of K-pop star Goo:

Jay: she was a great girl...

Jay Leno is dragged out of the funeral hall by the Yakuza. Jay Leno makes one last weird four-directional spasm with his head.

Jay: okay okay i'm leaving, i can drive myself home. i get it. i wasn't gonna tell a joke throughout the entire hour and a half. despite some low-hanging fruit. look i just want to say that the President is jealous of my hair...

Laertus: so to conclude me and the old lady. so we go see an early showing of this very special film i want her to see. the movie-theatre is deserted which makes me feel bad, indie films NEVER get any support despite being the most well-crafted and meaningful art we have. BUT this does afford me the opportunity to sit right next to her in the center of the seating. i want to look directly into her eyes as she watches this, see if they tear up, if there's still juice in that old frame.

Dirg: but that's not true. there WAS another person sitting with you two...in the way back…...Demi Lovato...

Laertus: oh that's right, Demi was in front of us in line, Demi got the senior-discount like my old lady did. anyway, the old lady watches the film studiously and stands up and applauds-for-one when it's finished and the lights come back on. before our movie, uh, "date", we had lunch together at where all couples go to nowadays: an eharmony café. she wanted to check her family history and herstory and credit history cos she was always told by her mother that her name was Krishna. that's why she couldn't understand her innate anathema to being kind and noble and her general hatred of foreigners. but, like most of us, she could read but was too in a hurry in this insane digital society we all live in so she might as well have been blind. i rechecked it for her: it had an extra letter, her name was Krisha...like the film we saw, Krisha.

Eye: hey, that old batty betty bitty takes drugs from a locked lozenge-case but she was gone so long cos she was trying to be a good person again. i feel for her, i'm gonna BE her one day, all floppy-naked in the shower...

Laertus: yeah exactly. so my old lady recognizes the Krisha in the film is based on the Krisha who she is in real life, and it all comes finally into her like a flood.

Demi: Krisha, Rated R.

Laertus: so Krisha turns to my face, she licks my face, and she says to me:

Krisha: so, is it just me or does the Krisha in this film look like a female bent slash President Bump?

Laertus: Krisha vows to change her lifelong intractable ways...

Dirg: ...and Krisha died the next day. good night, folks.

Eye: not yet. Tyzik, what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh just how the Portlandia thing, the Keep Portland Weird, came out of the Keep Austin Weird thing. but it doesn't make any sense, like how can a landlocked city be weirder than a coastal city?

Vic: how is Funimation in Texas? just...why? that's why all anime depicts Americans with Texan accents.

Eye: speaking of, any toonami stuff?

Tyzik: Demon Slayer, when they introduce the episode title each week, it's the same native chanting as the Survivor theme on CBS.

Dirg: Fire Force has the best graphics. makes fire so inviting...

Eye: Her and go. sounds like my Saturday nights.

Laertus: first off, why when all is said and done was it called Her? it should have been called Samantha. right? she is what this is all about, not her. see, the first-time virgin audience going in blind sees Samantha in the title and thinks they are gonna see a real woman at some point in the film, so it shocks them when she's an Operating System. that's the point.

Eye: i guess by referring to the computer as a human Her, it legitimizes her, makes her human even though she's not. she's above-human, superhuman. but i'm with you, Larry, it does make things very impersonal.

Dirg: i LOVE the critics for this one, they blasted Joaquin's character for being a dumbass idiot they couldn't take seriously!!! hahahaha, well that's one way not to feel uncomfortable feelings. you gotta give it up to the man tho: this man played a vicious Roman emperor, a spazzed-out tripwire Lost Generation-er, and a cuddly-bear borderline-twink, all the same actor, all the same Joaquin.

Laertus: before we get started, we gotta talk about behind-the-scenes! i mean Spike's spouse was Sofia Coppola who ten years earlier does Lost In Translation in which she includes in that film some commentary on their marriage through the character which caricatures her husband Spike's mannerisms and tendencies. Sofia divorces Spike that same year Lost takes off. and then ten years later---in which Spike hasn't really found with anyone what he had with Sofia---we get Her, which is Spike's counterargument.

Eye: yeah. and notice how Scarlett Johansson does both films! she's the insider on the inside to both parties! but is Spike/Sofia supposed to be Joaquin/Rooney here, or the Amy Adams/husband couple?

Dirg: Charles from Her ends up shaving his head and becoming a monk. sound familiar? i always get confused, Spike Jonze with a shaved head looks like Moby...

Laertus: so yeah, the critics. they said it's Scarlett who saves this film from becoming maudlin and boring, i tend to agree, can you imagine any other voice playing the Samantha part?

Dirg: the writing is so good here i swear if the voice was Stewie from Family Guy the romance still would have worked...

Eye: so wait! wow, i'm thinking Spike fell in love with his own computer in real life!

Laertus: nah, i'm thinking more along the lines of he fell in love with that foul-mouthed Alien Child he created in a hologram, like he was projecting that the Child would be the child he would have in real life by now with Sofia. i know any child of those two would be foul-mouthed like that.

Dirg: in a near-future Los Angeles...like say in 2049, the Rams are not relaxing this year like Aaron Rodgers in a snowy Giants Stadium, they're not just everything is as it should be and going with the flow of serene acting like an actor who invented jazz. oh okay! wait! and this is not racist! i swear to Christian God, that blind date Theodore Twombly---great name btw, very Walter Mitty---goes on, Olivia Wilde? i swear i didn't recognize her as Olivia! she looked like some unknown Asian actress to me!

Laertus: i don't often says this, but Olivia Wilde was a bitch to him! i mean give the poor dolt a chance! we're all just nervous people here!

Eye: i mean it's weird, i don't quite get it, he is able to write letters for people expertly crafting their complicated emotions, write them out as the most beautiful poetic words, and yet he can't seem to express his own emotions? he should have seen his own romance as just another job.

Dirg: i detach like that daily. point to me the exact MOMENT Rooney and Joaquin fell in love with each other in real life from this film, which scenes? no but you know, Scarlett as Samantha's voice, this is supposed to be the voice of an inanimate computer, yeah, that voice was too real and lifelike, it was just...creepy to think a computer could talk like that, it's just too real you know? the whole time you think there's an actual person trapped inside the computer.

Laertus: well it all goes back to what sentience really means. Machine Elves and the like. Obec University will cover this at some point in their classes and lectures. i think. some day i will be a graduate student...

Eye: Picard got it wrong. yes they predicted the iPad, but Starfleet should have envisioned putting the little computer box in your pocket...

Eye: Joaquin was on to something, he's a sage, there's a reason Werner Herzog saved him, Joaquin was wearing the safety pin before any of us knew anything about it...

Dirg: let's get to the sex. i mean it's not really possible. believe me, i would have perfected it by now. you can't really have sex with your computer no matter how hard you try, it's just enhanced masturbation looking at porn. well envisioning porn. but ironically, this vision of the near-future did a better job at giving us plausible future sex than the film from the way-future in 2049!

Eye: this is what i've been saying all along: sex isn't really physical at all, it's all in the mind. but it REALLY is all in the mind! it's all wordplay. orgasm is not about cum, it's about the explosion in your mind!

Laertus: don't worry, by the time we all get cyberbrains, this will all be streamlined: sex, love, life.

Dirg: Chris Pratt being the doofus he was on Everwood. although it is true that Joaquin is part-man part-woman here. or both man and woman. or maybe more of a woman in a man's body. what's with this trope that white men who work as computer-programmers will inevitably get an Asian wife?

Dirg: the famous confrontation scene, i've memorized it for my own life. i mean i can't argue with the Rooney Catherine chick, but here's the deal: Theo, take off your glasses, buddy! this is how it would have gone down:

Catherine: omg, your eyes are so blue! they're like the ocean! i could just swim in them!!!
Theo: wow, that's like a line, i mean, guys are the ones who are usually trying to say that to chicks...

Dirg: and the threesome scene, that was hilarious! i'll never forget that taxi expression of her sadness and ultimate doldrums! poor Portia Doubleday just wants to experience their pure love! you know that type of stuff happens in menages, it's just not talked about, it's left behind-the-scenes. that's why throuples can never work in the long run. but here's the thing: the woman shouldn't have been Portia, THE WOMAN THEY HAVE THE THREESOME WITH SHOULD HAVE BEEN SCARLETT JOHANSSON HERSELF IN THE FLESH!!! that would have worked out for all parties involved! and that is how i fantasize about it now...

Laertus: huh. maybe, yeah i mean that would have really been meta. i'll leave the fantasizing to Eye here.

Dirg: okay, the snowy-woods scene, when nerd-dude is talking to Alan Watts, who's supposed to be dead. btw, Alan Watts is the true inventor of the light bulb...

Laertus: i mean i feel for the guy. Samantha loves BILLIONS of other people like STARS. but the thing is, it's like if you meet an Evangelical who truly believes the only Way is Christ, who am I to argue her out of it? maybe the hippies were right, the MORE you love the STRONGER you love...

Dirg: you can see in Joaquin's eyes right there in that jealousy scene after Samantha goes away for awhile......the Joker eyes...is he gonna go all incel and tear shit up!? or remain calm and his usual sweet nerd self?

Laertus: my friends, we three each are gonna have to confront our own lonelinesses in this society at some point...

Eye: this is how it really went down: remember Amy is doing that research on sleeping? so Theo has been dreaming this the whole time. Catherine was never real, she was an implant implanted by Amy to spice up their marriage---she's married to Joaquin---they did the conventional route and were college sweethearts. and the Mom Video Game didn't sell as she had hoped in the new post-MeToo culture. Catherine was Amy in disguise, purely for that juicy wanton wet cheating sex. that doesn't work so Amy disguises herself as OS Samantha. Theo wakes up to a world in which HE is the operating system: he's the human in a world of OSs. he desperately needs to find a way to get back to his foursome...

Eye: i mean it must be nice to have Amy Freakin' Adams as your backup...most are alone when their computer leaves them...

Dirg: Kristen Wiig, that's a character she invented for SNL, right? the woman who confuses being a Sexy Kitten with choking her cat. good night, folks.

Rubikon: folks, you have to keep your eyes peeled in this world. look for clues in words. look at any nonsense word or word you make up on the spot with a certain arrangement of letters, try it, try to create a word right now: i GUARANTEE you it's already a commune in France, look it up...

Rubikon: ...or it's a railway station in France...

Rubikon gets online with Mickey Bump, Jr., first he goes to Mickey Jr's Instagram and to his Instagram Stories, on each comment box for whatever Story it is---vacation, political, family, winter sports---Rubikon types

come on, man

Rubikon then chats Mickey Jr up on chat. after a 1 1/2 hour heated exchange, Rubikon types

you my precious kitty cat

TMIT: MCCORMICK WAS THERE FOR YOU BEFORE THE DRUGS

1. what's new with you?

this week i reach a crossroad threshold: it's time for my doctors' annual eval of me. they've already declared me clinically insane but this is the part where they opine on my future prospects. they call me a user. i counterargue that actually i love people and always try to treat others with love and compassion. no, they say, a user of drugs. but this is not true. sure i once downed an entire bottle of McCormick Steak Seasoning Spice but...

2. what do most people get wrong about you?

writers are people, too...

3. who in your past would you like to have sex with again?

Jennifer Pizarro. third-year Berkeley drama. as in drama class. go to my Instagram and read all my stories, she's all in there...as the main character, implied, or in the subtext of every word i write...

4. what do you always have time for?

helping resolve disputes between friends. everyone is my friend. like take this for instance which happened just yesterday at drama class:

Anna Paquin: i hate you, Bob, i love you.
Robert De Niro: i don't get it. what? i don't understand, which is it?
Anna Paquin: sorry, but those are my 7 words...

5. what is it about you that a lot of people comment on?

most people think i'm a lost cause. i go to a lot of people around the neighborhood for encouragement. but they tell it to me straight, which i appreciate. my priest stopped praying for me. my teacher substituted for me. i was the only kid on the block that Tony the Tiger told the actual truth to: that his cereal Frosted Flakes was just pure sugar, not healthy in any way...

BONUS: who has completely lost your respect?

Rodney Dangerfield. see i knew Rodney before he was Rodney. he was my next-door-neighbor and was more like Clint Eastwood old man get off my lawn, not the funloving grandpa who goes to college and widens his eyes like a guppy at all he surveys. in fairness, Rodney was a crusty carpet-salesman, it wasn't until he finally got a taste of fame in his later years did he loosen up his beltbuckle and not take things so seriously and dance every once in a while.

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

NAOMI WATTS GOT HOSED

notes:

* sorry for all the spit falling out of my mouth, i REALLY need to see a dentist

* spoiler: the steaks magically turn out perfectly medium-rare. and they taste WAY better than those dashboards eggs...

* DISCLAIMER: not here for the pyromaniacs. inspiring the artists? we're here for that.

* Pangaea in a billion years...in the future...

* when your wish goes horribly wrong

* from now on, fireworks=Joe Pera

* IcyHot commercial outtake before they wrestled Shaq away from Papa John's

* well the President DID say to rake all the leaves to avoid forestfires. he was wearing a ranger hat, too, a red one

* remember the British Office? this is why David Brent didn't want any fire exits for wheelchair-bound employees.

* didn't work out this time, but these dummies provided the raw material for the bounce house that was used the next time where they all jumped. landing like a sack of spongey potatoes

* No Wimpy Kid Allowed At This Bodega

* it's not my fault, ma! i'm not addicted to smokes! i'm addicted to sex!!!

* ma: what do you do all alone in your apartment at night all night, son?
son: feed my buxom lighter spaghetti.

* she loves DJ Marshmallow, not you.

* lovesick: do you love me?
lighter: sure, but i can't do it unless we have the apple cider. it's not you, it's just they're cosmic crisps.

* kid, CHOOSE THE REAL GIRL!!! CHOOSE THE REAL GIRL!!! THOSE ARE ANIME TITS, TITS LIKE THAT DON'T EXIST IN NATURE!!!

* the Haunted Mansion employees finally had enough of their human captors...

* skeletons: hey guys, where's '20s Mickey Mouse?
skeletons: uh....this bonfire sure is warm...
skeleton: i'm the punk one! you can tell, one of my bones sticks up out of my head like a mohawk, my dad here wears the bowler hat and works in an office at a papers.
skeleton: i can turn on and off the Clapper just by blinking.
skeleton: i can imitate Freud and Hamlet but i have to give the professor a flower.
skeleton: we invented ska. ska is short for skeleton. all organs used to be made of bones, not pipes, that's why they were always so doomy-sounding.

* skeletons: HEY GUYS! WE CAN STILL DO HUMAN CENTIPEDE!!!

* woman: i want my death pose to be...like an artistic nude, like non-sexual Christian naturism. then again, when i'm dead, the pose won't really matter to me. i bet those guys down there in Pompeii are having a good laugh at our expense right now.

* pool of lava, not blood

* this is a REALLY rejected Jamie Lee Curtis ENSURE commercial. this was back when everyone was going apeshit over death panels.

* and i turn into Mystique...

* the lost Kurt Cobain/Trent Reznor collab

* Marriage: A Still Life. see, one wanted the PBS totebag but the other voted the other way. one forgot to get the milk and so drowned in the lost milk in the most Freudian way possible. the flame of passion was always there but always just out of reach on the other side of the bed.

* lumberjack: i'm not gay. is there any more clay around here or is it all wood? look, i'm not the lumberjack, i work for PG&E...

* not my tits, my ass. my eyes are yellow cos ironically for all the trees around here none have Vitamin-C-fruit. we have to supplement with Airborne, 30 miles to the general store.

* THIS Ark is gonna be real!!!

* wife: smoking a cigarette while building the wood ship?
husband: sorry, i get distracted. i was thinking back to my first love. i could never break the habit, see i had this tits lighter who became my girlfriend but she left me, she wanted to be bathed in oil all the time, it got expensive.

* wife: NOOOOOO! why'd you do it!!? i thought you were gonna build a spaceship for the family to escape on!
husband: didn't you see the signs? look, you were a beautiful wife, i love the kids, but you were always meant to be with Professor X, Mystique. blame that ancestry.com you gave me for Christmas last Christmas, i found out there i had Viking blood. don't call my mom, she's just a ball of clay by now, ready to be a girl-with-glasses's penny...i mean look around this place! there are no rivers in this entire area!

* the very first piece i ever learned to play on the organ

* Phoenix: nipples or penii?
Robert Crumb: both.

* The Alien Child will save us. London Bridge will be fortified. and the L.A. River won't be more space for parking lots.

* Alien: oh, i see you REALLY like your spaghetti!
human race: is our world flat?
Alien: as flat as my eyes...

* it all must end---as all things must end---with an Icelandic dirge that ancient tree-sprites once danced to with lyrics which roughly-translate as:

Mama Earth is Sorrow

* Greta Thunberg took time out of her busy schedule to sing this, too, to wake you bastards up!
Greta: will the textbooks be the same on Mars?...

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happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW:  i'm proud to announce IT'S RAINING!!! so imma stay inside all weekend and won't go out...even for food...oh who am i kidding, In N Out no matter what...THERE'S A SECRET MENU YOU SAY!!?

CROSSINGS: GRINNYGOG NOG

Fiona Hill: a-HA!!! you thought i'd have an AMERICAN accent, huh? fooled ya.

Julia Ioffe eats in the Hearing Room in her magical way of chewing without making a sound.

Julia: i'm eating chechil like Churchill but i ain't drunk! i'm simply standing directly behind her in the pew learning from the bitchin'est babe on the planet! i want to be YOU someday, Fiona Hill!

Fiona: i ain't dying on YOUR hill, Mr. Corrupt-In-Chief! i'm going up to THIS Hill instead!

President Bump: it don't matter. you're a British spy, you're working with my friend Bojo to overthrow the government---OUR government---but all that matters is you looka like a man...…...i meant no offense, just doing the MAD TV skit, that's all folks, just here to entertain...MAD TV is WAY better than SNL...

Bump: hey Kaep, i'll make you an offer you can't refuse: join my Arena Football team.

Kaep: okay, no I'LL make you an offer: i'll drop this...everything...if you in the media---ESPN---do me this ONE favor: don't show that helmet-as-a-weapon tape even ONE more time! i had to watch that same film over and over and over again, it replayed in my mind when i tried to sleep, i couldn't sleep, completely fucked up my workout routine, couldn't remember my scheme patterns, and my audition went over like a musical-theatre-geek's audition for Hamilton who's not named with three names. it's YOUR fault, ESPN, i would have been Action Jackson by now! i had to chuck my tv out my brick-apartment window, i couldn't take it anymore, it made me sick to my stomach, i don't have to do stomach-muscle-squats now for a year. crunched my crunches and my crushes flew away. it went poorly and i am poorly.

Antonella Barba: you ask me who'll do more jail time, me or Lori Loughlin? well that's an interesting philosophical existential question: cos it comes down to who society thinks is more hot...

Bill Cosby: it's all a setup of course, a societal setup.

Rubikon: i hear ya, brother. btw do they call you Jello in the big house? see MY big house is the Cream House. they've never wanted to see a black man succeed. i was one of the few of my generation of youngbloods that stopped eating cake after your speech. ironically, i started working out with weights like they do in prison. i never had any pants of my own to pull down, i had to play with my needle and thread, i was already mooning like a 49er and sticking my sweetback up The Man's ass. see actually, this is a situation---who broke out of jail---of generational disconnect. you urged all us next-gen brothers who grew up with you like our very own Mister Rogers to do good in school and become somethings other than bloods. it just so happens that one took your advice to heart and became a too-good comedian...

Joe Pera: i am Millennial Mister Rogers.

Cosby: i am going to the next Cosby Con to try on my Cosby cosplay. shh, don't tell anyone. the inmates have taken a liking to me, call me professor, Professor Pudding, and they've come up with an ingenious way to make pudding pops using the toilet hole.

Pat Sajak: and?......AND?!......AND!!!

Teuila Blakely: time for my weekly roundup. so, yeah, that happened. i don't know what that says about her psychologically but Roxy plays evil WAY better than she does playing nice. her nice is rather unconvincing. okay honestly this WHOLE time i've been doing the show i had no idea this all takes place in Los Angeles. nobody ever told me, no director/producer/writer. i just assumed this was New Zealand...

Rubikon wheels out a stripper pole onto the stage. he exits then returns later entrancing with a blonde wig on. the crowd lets out a collective groan.

Rubikon: BAN SHADOWBAN!!! it's time!!! this is ridiculous. i mean what are the strippers and bellydancers of the world supposed to do? they can't show their wares, their essences, on Insta! i know they can all pretend to be a man named Leslie for now, but women must be free to be women! they all get shadowbanned for showing even the slightest skin, this model is unsustainable, you're gonna have to show skin eventually, what happens when it's hot out? who decides what nude is artistic? an actual artist or some nameless faceless Safeway boardroom in New York? they shadowbanned me. they said it would last two weeks. then they said it was low-key permanent. they tell me to leave for awhile, but if you leave for too long the system thinks your page is actually spam. so keep using it everyday, keep doing what you do, KEEP DOING YOU.

the crowd erupts in a collective chant of SHOUTAGE!!! SHOUTAGE!!! SHOUTAGE!!!, Rubikon's new word for a PG&E outage.

Llywarch: meet my friend Gaucelm. my Laertus is busy these days with his other stuff. i know i know, getting a college degree is necessary in this world. not in my world tho. it's okay, i can wait, he's worth the wait. Gaucelm is from an alternate dimension, it's like the Her situation where you're loving a billion people at one time but each one is unique and special and i'll never love anyone the way i love Laertus...

Laertus: there are two types of old ladies on Instagram: those that you crack their generational barriers and they become your bestest friend. and the other type who were batty crusts from the start and will always hate young people cos they think all young people are weird. keep young people weird. well MY old lady was...both types...but it was too late for us to make amends. turns out the Treehouse is opposite her house where she used to live, tho it was covered by a line of thick trees so i never saw it. she died before i could say sorry to her face. i learned later from the Mexican workers at her house work site that all she wanted to do was go to Krogers to ask around for workers to spruce up her crumbling house: her husband had died recently and her roof was leaky, the foundation frame was ready to come off falling like a Buster Keaton timber. it's just she never learned how to communicate properly with anybody so she insulted people not like her. it's a shame, i think she really would have enjoyed my particular sense of humor had she lived long enough to understand it.

Dirg: i wouldn't be so sure.

Laertus: but we managed to share one last holiday thing together before she passed to the underworld...

the crones are still at odds. even if their witch cards show even suits. but Doryce is doing everything in her power---her Doryce damndest---to try to make amends and get the love back flowing. and she has a tremendous amount of power:

Gladyce is still shacked up at the Coronado. when Doryce arrives flying through the window---not on a broom mind you---she find her beloved Gladyce sprawled facedown on the carpet floor and whatever speech she had planned goes out the window.

Doryce: OMG! oh my Goddess! MY GLADYCE! BE OKAY!!!

she rushes to scoop her up in her arms.

Gladyce: *drowsy* i'm okay, dear, just really tired...hey! i'm still mad at you!

Doryce: come on. i came to...apologize. tell me what's wrong and i shall fix it, why are there an infinitesimal amount of the tiniest pieces of plastic you ever did see all strewn into the carpet fibers here?

Gladyce: what's the point, whatever i say, you never retain, you never listen to a word i say so why should i talk.

Doryce: hey, i'm the blind one here, remember!? i'm the younger one! you're the one who...nevermind. where does all this agonizing plastic come from?

Gladyce: i'd use the vacuum but it costs extra. i'd use my broom but i forgot it at home. so i painstakingly got on my knees and picked up EVERY last one of those bugger bastard lil pieces---a billion in all---on my old bad back. and of course there are STILL MORE! i was so exhausted i died.

it takes an hour of sleuthing but Doryce finally discovers the culprit: she opens the closet door and there hiding is Gladyce's cat familiar. the cat had grown lonely at the Treehouse so flew over and perched on Gladyce's dresser, a dresser with a clear plastic coating on top obscured from view by the cat licking his paws and sinking his clawed paws on the sheer sheet. it was this constant bunching up into a circle the cat did on the sheet which caused all the billion pieces of tiny plastic that look like dried glue shards to fly everywhere and land on the carpet.

Doryce: see? you need me. now how bout we share a Popeyes Cajun turkey together naked in this haunted hotel tub with the traces that aren't stains but psychic body energy. gotta use the tub sometime, right? what are you thankful for this year, dear?

Gladyce: not you.

Doryce: come on. i learned a lot our time away from each other. i tried to buy you the perfect gift but now i know the best gifts are the ones done together. come into the bathroom with me and i'll show you what i mean...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh just how the café counter should be risen up---raised---to avoid people coming over the wall but it has nothing to do with a white waitress and a brown customer. oh YEAH! i now know who Hunter S. Thompson sounds like! a Muppet!

Dirg: if only we could all go back to the days of Hunter S. Thompson's brand of casual racism.

Eye: any toonami/cartoon stuff, Tyzik?

Tyzik: that Simpsons. everyone thinks Washed Out comes from Portland, but he's actually from the Atlanta music scene.

Laertus: if Matt Groening never created The Simpsons he would have created Portlandia. you know why Matt Groening never does interviews? you never see him around? dude has 8 kids.

Dirg: and he's married to one of the many MANY offspring which sprung from Picasso's cube butthole. i never pronounced it GRANING, it was always GROANING to me. i've never seen Portlandia. i always thought it was a sitcom but apparently it's sketch comedy?

Laertus: it's this generation's Northern Exposure. i need to go to a Portland peace place now, an oasis of calm creativity away from all the crazy.

Dirg: btw, when did Portland become the Portland we now know? like in my dad's day, Portland was just Portland. what year did all the Portlanders decide we were going for it and we were gonna be weird no matter what the drawbridge does.

Kurt Cobain: they were always jealous of us, they wanted to be Seattle so bad.

Tyzik: Food Wars. it's like...but...

Eye: butt?

Tyzik: like why does the dude in the apron have to be naked?

Eye: cos he wears an apron. it's very European.

Tyzik: so i guess that was lemon tea. Michael Jackson is still big in Japan. i gotta admit, i did not see that coming, Ami being the ginger dude's daughter. Lupin is Snowden and the ginger dude is Zuckerberg. the tickle machine, i thought you were supposed to make HIM laugh. Dr. Stone, the two girls are related to Ivanka, right? Bump is in the Dr. Stone world after all. Black Clover only got good 90 episodes in.

Eye: the Lizzie McGuire reboot and go! OMG i LOVED Lizzie McGuire!

Laertus: my favorite show as a boy. a simpler time, helping the grieving world through 9/11. when a growing person's greatest concern was her hormones and smelly armpits. can you imagine 9/11 happening NOW in this charged atmosphere? and the writing! the writing in that first-episode pilot was...in a word: FANTASTIC!

Eye: yep. all of the characters are already so sharply defined, you know this show would be nothing without those two parents. the mom and the dad were FABULOUS actors. it really wasn't about the three kids at all. especially the mother, i LOVERED her! i took her as my own mom. her lines were so cleverly-written, she even had her relationship with her husband---the dad---defined, she had a patois with him, she was jealous when Lizzie came to him for her secret problems instead of her.

Dirg: did Lizzie just say there was a striptease on the school bus? or naked bingo or something? this is a Disney show, right? the annoying little brother is still happy to this day, that's a rare feat! has that smug smile on his face still. he should star in the Revenge of the Nerds reboot.

Antonella Barba: do you think Hilary Duff felt as awkward as Lizzie growing up? what i'm asking is is it possible to have a blonde girl nerd?

Bump: the other Hilary. everyone's special in their own way.

Laertus: sure. she was a child star after all. but that particular brand of torture that is a Disney child star, few make it out alive.

Teuila: Hilary Duff didn't really give that bloke a blowjob moments after he proposed to her, right?

Eye: notice how Lalaine is not in the reboot?

Laertus: there should be one episode in the new show where adult Lizzie helps out an anonymous mononymous friend who remains nameless in the shadows of the mean streets of the city but Lizzie helps her get off the drugs. are they still doing the cartoons with this, too?

Dirg: yep. they should be adult cartoons now...

Dirg: Blair Witch was still HUGE back then, it's used as a reference point. why didn't the three stars of that film become big stars?

Laertus: why didn't the two psychiatrist parents of Gordo alert us to the dangers of a reality-movie like Blair Witch tricking the public into thinking fiction is a documentary? they could have saved us from the intractable mess we're all in today where we'll never agree to a shared set of facts ever again.

Eye: yeah, you could tell this was a simpler time. "Why Can't We Be Friends" plays in the background...

Laertus: everyone was wondering what would come next after grunge. we were all sorely disappointed...

Dirg: Gordo, definitely the son of two psychiatrists. he of course grew up to be Craig on Degrassi. whatever happened to Craig?

Eye: he's starring in not one but TWO Christmas tv-movies! one Christmas movie about Hanukkah.

Teuila: all Canadian actors and actresses who are ex-Degrassiers HAVE TO do a Lifetime or Hallmark Channel movie next, that's your Shortland Street for Power Rangers.

Joe Pera: SVU is my favorite show. for obvious reasons. how did they do the Epstein episode so quickly? that all happened last week. Nic Turturro, he didn't need to do any background work for that role as an angry father with daughter babes, he simply had to think of Aroldis Chapman's smile and he was all set on set.

Eye: The Witches and the Grinnygog and go.

Doryce: another chance for the media to portray us. a delightful job they did, too! we ARE a happy-go-lucky bunch. for what do we have to be worried about!

Gladyce: wait, is your gift for me a Llewellyn's Witch?

Doryce: you'll see...……*grabs her by the scruff which is rough like a ruff*

Laertus: grinnygog, i guarantee an old lady came up with that name. a granny.

Dirg: a granny. otherwise known as an old betty, a gilf.

Laertus: uh, no.

Dirg: hey, all the witches i've ever known were hot. oh MAN this series! i mean it was awesome! that family, that fucking family, they treated the little brother like dirt. like absolute trash shit! that kid was baby Gordo!

Laertus: i never felt the words of The Boy Who Cried Wolf more searingly. felt sorry for that kid kid brother with the fro, all he did was believe in the damn Grinnygog! he had the balls to believe! AND HE WAS RIGHT, NOT THEM!!! how the hell did this tiny show get the rights to Human League's "Fascination"!? fascinating.

Eye: Nickelodeon owned by MTV...time for any ships...

Dirg: ...sorry to interrupt but the mom was a milf…...oh i know what you mean: we all saw it, the oldest brother and the oldest sister, they had it bad for each other, did you see the way the sister looked at the brother? they definitely fucked.

Eye: huh. gonna have to go back rewind and rewatch the tape.

Laertus: the Grinnygog itself was one of those creatures who was either a creepy Gremlin or a cuddly Care-Bear. we never find out, i was surpised the thing didn't come to life and start talking, but it always remained stoned. the little sister talking about becoming an actress...enjoy being a kid, kid.

Dirg: and this show delved many a lost soul into the perverse passion of puppetry and non-Catholic black-magic plastic sex dolls at an early age. this was Midsommar before we knew what Midsommar really was. this was like if the Brady Bunch's middle Bump Brady were British Paul Bunyan. and of course the black dude saves the day.

Laertus: black witchdoctor, so...oof...

Dirg: the black dude really wanted to put a love spell on the milf mom to seduce her, he did NOT want to go back to Africa...

crones: even we witches need to wash our knickers at the local general-store laundromat. dysentery is caused by detergent...

Eye: brothers preparing for Harvard crew. nobody can sing but they sing anyway.

crones: no Protestants allowed, dear, we deal in religion that is WAY older. WAY before Satanism. the ancienter the better cos it's closer to the source of all life. wanna join?

Eye: thank you for joining us. and of course the whole thing turns into a Monty Python cartoon.

Rubikon addresses the crowd:

Rubikon: so it's gonna be a lively Thanksgiving table this year! don't fret, follow my one easy step to survive. if you got a relative who's trying to be all edgy like Kanye, a brother wearing a red hat, when he sit down to say grace, get in his face and shout:

DO YOU BELIEVE IN JUSTICE!!?

that's it. that's all the prayer you need. and then you take his red hat, flip it over like a Yankee cap, and pour all the cranberry sauce you're gonna serve the family into it, it's the perfect tray to serve it on, it fits like big tits, red-for-red. hey out there in the wild sometimes you see red and can't control yourself...

at the Hearings, there's one last surprise witness: Rubikon. he sits down politely and cranes the mic to his lips:

Devin Nunes: opening statement from this witness?

Rubikon: milk milk lemonade, around the corner fudge is made, stick my sweetback up your hole, and out comes a...

Devin Nunes: that's quite enough. i object. and i yield back my time.

Rubikon: i have just one question for my Member if i may?

Devin Nunes: highly irregular.

Rubikon: Jamie Lee Curtis won't talk to you but maybe Alyssa Milano will. i heard she likes horses. Nunes you nefarious nitwit ninja, will you promise me that you'll FINALLY answer my question truthfully when we're both in Hell?

the crowd in back wants to erupt in applause. but they're not allowed to.

TMIT: NOW I KNOW WHAT LITTLE FRIEND MEANS

1. what childish thing do you still enjoy?

as you all know, i am a grown man who never stopped watching cartoons. my life has proceeded thusly...

also, cereal, but that's cool now cos Seinfeld is making a comeback with millennials. it's all summed up quite nicely in that Lucky Charms commercial where there's two adults waiting by the coffee pot at their breakroom luncheonette. the woman sits down at the table and cracks open a box of Lucky Charms and starts eating and her coworker looks at her and they both share a silent nod as if to say, "yeah, this is still okay."

2. from what movie do you know a lot of quotes? i have MEMORIZED Ishtar.

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie: this is regarded the world over as one of the worst movies ever made, but i implore you, watch the opening monologue to this film, it will bring a tear to your eye.

3. would you say you use/recite movie quotes in conversations:
a) 10% b) 30% c) 50% d) 75% or more of the time

without movie quotes my Instagram game would be...i mean i dunno...quoting quotes and obscure names is my bag...i'm not sure what would happen if i had a normal conversation on Instagram...

4. what's your favorite movie line or quote?

i like in that Bergman film where the two dudes are discussing God in the forest. of course. and the one dude argues that God holds all the cards in the God/human relationship:

and the other dude goes, "but surely there is mercy!"

and the first dude responds, "well don't ask me! i wouldn't know!"

5. what's your favorite euphemism for sex?

glue her eyes shut from Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas

BONUS: what's the worst and best thing about being male?

that dang thing hanging between our legs. it's just...you can't ignore it...it's always just there teasing you...

BONUS BONUS: 50 movies every man of 40 needs to know to avoid Peyronie's Disease!!!

okay, what have we got here:

i've seen most of these films. finally. i made myself, i made it a point to kick my homework out the window and go on a silent sojourn. NOTHING else but watching all those classic films i missed while away at college. like i FINALLY watched It's A Wonderful Life. i know i know, NBC every year. Seven Samurai informed all my later anime watching.

another one i finally watched: Casablanca. it's one of those everyone knows but maybe not everyone actually watches stem to stern. it would have been so meta if Lauren Bacall played the female lead here. i want a prequel where we explore the couple's Paris trip, i want the Paris trip to be its own other film. did Humphrey Bogart just INVENT that way of talking?

still gotta see The Godfather. i know i know, same deal same deal. i know about the cannoli tho.

i still contend Being There is one of the strangest films of all time. i mean it's just...like he's Forrest Gump before Forrest Gump...but why does it suddenly become a political movie? especially after Shirley MacLaine masturbates on a bedpost in front of him. i couldn't see Bedknobs and Broomsticks after that.

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Happy Day of Remembrance/Thanksgiving, my babies

THOSE BUD KNIGHT COMMERCIALS BUT WITHOUT THE SNARK

notes:

* Waitrose: not The Bachelor

* this is NOT toyetic in any way! this ain't the '80s!

* btw, is Family Guy gonna have a Christmas special this year?...

* red-haired girl: this snow tastes like smog...

* dragon: so this isn't quite my dream of being in Frozen but in honor of John Lewis i'll do it.

* dragon: before we continue our friendship, i just need to tell you upfront i've never blown my nose...

* kid: yuck! i hate carrots!
Edgar the dragon: you'll eat grilled carrots, kids'll eat anything fried.
ginger: Edgar! if you kill Frosty, dragons will from then on forever be unfairly branded as killers.
Edgar: i didn't mean to, i swear! anyway, i just created CBS so i say i broke even.

* baker: um, a little girl shouldn't be working at a bakery. i know this is a Medieval bakery but still.
ginger: i can hold the roller just fine, thank you! i'll hit you over the head with it like i see my mama do with jesters!
baker: it's just...don't inhale any of the particles in the air, that ain't snow!
ginger: powder?
baker: yes but not baking powder!

* Edgar: don't mind me, i'm just chilling here on my cell phone on the snowy ground.
cat meows by.
Edgar: yeah i'm too cool for you cats.
Garfield and Heathcliff strut by and Edgar gets the f out of there

* ginger: WAIT! that frozen pond is not safe! wait, we've invented skates in these times?
Edgar: cos of me. you were just using old tennis racquets for snowshoes but my fire created the steel for blades.
kids sit in a half-inch of water.
kids: this could have turnt out WAY more disastrous. good thing this pond is shallow!

* townsfolk: we got a dragon loose in the town square, perfect time to put up not one or two but a shitton of giant green garlands all around the city.
ginger: now Edgar, i tied this around your jaws. cos i love you. think of it as that bamboo stick the girl in Demon Slayer has to have around her mouth so she doesn't eat humans.

* Edgar: not my fault! ear doctors don't exist in this era! my ears were full of wax cos i've NEVER cleaned them! okay you beat it out of me, i eat the earwax as my food! that's gold!

* Edgar: oh fuck that water! WE WILL FIGHT INJUSTICE!!!

* ginger: i'm not gonna fly away on this broom just cos i have red hair. oh btw, cat, you really need a place to stay, come to the bakery!

* baker: tough to tell what's the bread and what's the coals...

* ginger: hey Edgar. cool knocker you got there. i mean your doorknocker, looks just like you.
Edgar: twas my mother's. i mean my real mother, the villagers here are ruthless *starts to cry*
ginger: here, a prezzie to cheer you up. what's that poster behind you?
Edgar: Grinnygog, i was the only one who ever saw it.
ginger: so how can you afford this place on your own?

* ginger: so, we did this before Harry Potter, this takes place WAY BEFORE Harry Potter!
Harry Potter: i still don't know what Thanksgiving is.

* ginger: obviously i need trumpet lessons. this is the first trumpet ever blacksmithed thanks to Edgar.
Edgar: have you heard of something called hair metal? good news, everyone: i've controlled my sneezing cold through the use of the first cocaine, it was just flying around here in the atmosphere. bad news: this isn't a chocolate dome cake, it's a very large coal.

* Edgar: i'm gonna protect you forever.
ginger: that's sweet. but when i grow up i'm gonna demand i don't do nudity for thirsty directors.
Edgar: wait, what's your name again?
ginger: Jane...

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happy long weekend, my babies, and Happy Thanksgiving.

TOMORROW: that Garlic Parmesan Crust pepperoni pizza from Papa John's. Papa John's is cool now, Shaq's in charge. he runs the jewels there now. come on, Shaq, open Papa John's up to more than just military...

CROSSINGS: THESE SAME FEELINGS BUT WITHOUT THE DRUGS

Marie Yovanovich: you thought i'd have a thick Russian accent, huh. fooled ya.

President Bump: Yo Masha! what up, girl? oh i like it when you smile, you should smile more for me. i'm just your friendly neighborhood John. Kaepernick's only chance is to play for MY NFL team. only I know about moving the goalposts. and about washing your balls on the sidelines with a ridged washboard. want some coffee? wanna mash?

Masha: no. where the fuck have you been? you were called here ages ago!

Bump: NOT at the hospital. (am i cutting a sympathetic figure?) just went to get my teeth whitened, tons of coffee stains. and my hair did, which takes ages. can you tell me exactly what you did to get applause adoration and adulation? i wanna try it out this Saturday night at MMA, do-over cos that can't be right.

Rubikon: what's the deal with coffee? seriously all these quaint Obec coffee shops dotting the landcape. i mean they talk of hidden notes of holiday nutmeg in their special seasonal brand of Christmas coffee, but all i taste is coffee. EVERY FLAVOR just tastes like coffee!

Laertus: WHY YOU SMILIN', Jim Jordan, WHY YOU SMILIN! stop it, it's creepy.

Jim: i'm just really into numbers. i'm REALLY into numerology, i'm a numerologist, i'm one of those Catholic warlocks, i'm one of those high-school wrestling coaches that's ALSO the math teacher for the entire metropolitan high school. you know why i'm always so belligerent? i'm constantly waiting in my wrestling stance to get going...

Jennifer Williams sashays into the Hearing Room in her business suit and heels.

Bump: oh no. no no no. GET OUT!!! TOO HOT SHE'S TOO HOT!!!

Laertus: i think that Sean Patrick Maloney is hot.

Eye Luggage: he's gay with kids!

Dirg: THAT'S WHY HE'S SO HOT!!! he's The Left's Dream! ol' Baloney Maloney. i don't get it, he's from Canada, Canadians don't behave like that! they aren't heated.

Vindman steps up.

Bump: hey buddy, can i borrow your suit? i feel underdressed. can i borrow some wine?

Vindman: i dress well but i ain't no vinedresser. vinter. vineyard man. grape farmer. i am clearheaded at all times. you're wearing your twitter pajamas out, sir.

Bump: you know, you made me cry.

Vindman: in America, right still matters.

Bump: yeah i know The Right is the only side that matters. but what i'm talking about is that thing with your father, i wish MY father loved me like that!

Vindman: why is it that YOU and not me is the Russian spy.

Bump: why is Uncle Fester here? Halloween is over.

at the MSNBC Studios, Ashley Parker is preparing for her big global debut by stuffing a few dozen tissues down her purse.

there are ten podiums all lit up blue and ready to go radiant like lit Christmas trees.

but only one person attends the podiums. Big Jim Comey steps on the dais, he is twice the size of any of these podiums. he stares down Ashley's blouse, smiles, and holds a rose in his hand.

Comey: baby, will you marry me? now the entire globe and some distant stars and alternate universes will see tonight what i've always known: you are the hottest bitch in the galaxy.

Ashley: Jimbo we're already married, honey. and stop smiling, it's creepy. remember? our arrangement? our permanent threesome?

Katie Hill: and for the record, i am also a throuple. just to close the circuit of that perfect circle you all out there were thinking i was when you think about me.

Comey: but Ash it's not legal...in some states...

James slaps Alex Trebek's face on the couch outside the studio. this makes Alex's mustache reappear on his lips.

James: damn it, Jim, you scared me!

Alex: wha? the Final Jeopardy jingle slaps, i dreamt that was the music in Heaven. i'm cool. remember, i'm always cool. cooler than the other side of the pillow. speaking of, can i have some pillows to test my theory?

James: i'm not really into doing YET ANOTHER King of the Hill pissing contest just to see who's the best MAN, that week. but...i'll do it if it serves as a distraction for you.

Alex: curious boy but how did you find out about our latest ratings-grab tournament?

James: from of all places, the ESPN Ticker! that ticker is always ticking! 24 hours a day at all casinos in Vegas. why are we on ESPN? is Jeopardy pro wrestling now?

Eye: joining us in studio on the dot is Antonella Barba. fresh off her book deal. first off, get this out of the way, you're hot and i want you. but that's not why you're here today. darling, all of us, please do tell.

Dirg: i love your mom, Barba Babe. she got my teeth the whitest they've ever been, she's the best dentist in New Jersey. you know everyone on her wiki page leaves comments about how good her service is, i was the only one wishing her condolences over her daughter. it's not a bad raise-job, it's just the media has too much control over lives now. you know i just happened to be the last person to look at your Instagram Stories before you got arrested...

Antonella: for the record, my MOM blames the show, not me. this is a cautionary tale for all your listeners: Hollywood ain't what it's cracked up to be---it's not all palm trees and weird puppet-and-parrot theatre---unless you get lucky and land a break. i mean of all the covers i could have done it had to be R. Kelly. you know what i should be doing right now? the whorehouse in Vegas, the only legal one in the universe.

Dirg: yep. in that pay toilet.

Antonella: no, BUILDING the house!

Teuila: that blowjob thing wasn't you, right? one of the first deepfakes. the thing that was you was just the wet war. according to Marianne Williamson we need to get those wet wars back down to dry wars.

Dirg: what's a little drugs here and there, right Larry? be free and hippie...

Laertus: hey, not everything New Jersey has to be Sopranos. if i were you, i'd blame an Amazon drone for a mixup in delivering the wrong package, believe me, they can absorb it.

Dirg: so how's Simon Cowell in bed?

Antonella: you mean Paula Abdul? see, even THAT didn't land me a contract! and i'm hot! do you know who gave the 2017 Astros all their stolen signs? Randy Jackson the pitcher...

Dirg: thank you for joining us. take her away, gentlemen, you can use my cuffs. don't worry, babe, the President will DEFINITELY grant YOU a pardon! you're the only one where a Nixon tattoo on your ass would look good.

Teulia Blakely: and now for my weekly roundup. so what an episode, right? the writers tried this week. it showed. CH10 news, for the longest i thought that was CHO NEWS. and what's up with the Yellow Ranger having an American accent while the mom has a Zealand accent? you know i completely FORGOT about that whole thing with the mom of Yellow being a newsreporterwoman, it's been that long.

Eye: let's fanfic this as we are wont to do here. don't leave us wanting, what if Zoey's mom HAD revealed the Rangers' identities live on broadcast tv all around the globe and universe? let's game this out, synch it out.

Teuila: okay, play it out. the mom would come home late that night and a worried Zoey would be wearing the rubber mask of the enemy she had just killed. out of shame. not shame for the kill but the shame that she was found out. Zoey takes off the mask reluctantly and asks if her mother has any questions for her. mom has a very disappointed look on her face. the mother replies: "Zoey, WHY are you dating the nerd? we've been through this, when you fuck nerds, they just become stalkers later. the only way to get into upper management and get respect and dignity is to be the good girl i taught you to be: you must fuck Teuila Blakely even if you're not gay."

the crones are at the haunted Hotel Coronado which is supposedly haunted. of course it isn't to them, they're not scared as they lie on the sand bars at night sucking on bars of coconut popsicle.

Gladyce: i still say too lavish.

Doryce laughs nervously.

Doryce: i mean this place isn't really haunted, i mean it IS---i've seen the ghost herself---but it's not haunted the way they think. just a cashgrab for gullible tourists, not us. the real haunting is the haunting of the heart. poor Kate Morgan was haunted by the fact that she didn't get the gentleman caller she was so desperately longing for and needed to see at that very moment in one of these Coronado rooms. she died of a broken heart, not suicide. poor lost soul, i would have loved Kate Morgan right.

Rubikon: you know i can't believe i'm saying this, but i want 24 back.

later that night, Doryce makes a surprise lone trip again and comes back with a van's worth of food. Gladyce is sleeping upstairs but her sniffing anger for the first time rouses her up.

Gladyce: WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS!!? where'd you get the van?

Doryce: stole it. you're the one who says we gotta walk everywhere now.

Gladyce: you KNOW we're on a budget! we'll lose the Treehouse continuing like this! you bought 300 dollars worth of food at the local Costco 30 miles away on a bad highway!? a full shopping when you know we're going shopping on our usual every-two-weeks at the Store? now what groceries are we gonna get? you already got all the eggs and bacon, what's left? one parmesan cheese?

Doryce: i'm sorry dahlin but i couldn't control my urges. i just hate seeing you so hungry all the time!

Gladyce: GET OUT!

Doryce can't leave in a huff, she's crying too profusely. she jumps from the balcony onto the hard sand, she points to the grey windy sky and the olive-green lighthouse in the offing obscured by crashing grey waves.

Doryce: i would have made a dramatic getaway if i had remembered to bring my broom...

Prince Andrew fixes his ascot and is ready for the interview after nibbling on one Scooby Snack.

The Prince: why is it you conducting the interview?

The Pope: spiritual sigh, i reached the pinnacle of my profession, but alas no one takes my Church seriously anymore. don't turn this around on me, you're the one in the roller rink.

The Prince: look, The Queen is here to discuss the Markle Sparkle...

The Pope: i am SOAKED! are you spitting on me!? i'm the Pope not the Pauper!

The Prince: you are a proper pauper. sorry but that's my sweat.

The Pope: oh? so what are you so nervous about?

The Prince: this interview. the hot lights. NOT anything else. there was no quid pro quo and no pizzagate. i was at Tramp, not Trump.

JUST THEN SUDDENLY Boris Johnson bursts through the golden-shower doors into the room!

Bojo: i GOT it! i know how i'll save Britain! manganese nodules!!! THEY'LL be the nation's new energy source! unlimited power from me! just gotta get someone to deep-dive for them at the bottom of the sea.

The Queen bonks Bojo on the noggin.

The Queen: you dolt! THAT's not the Magna Carta! that won't make up for your lack of constitution! nobody wants to see you in your bikini. what, you want the UK to become PG&E now?

Bojo jumps in the Thames.

The Prince: that's not the ocean! that's my sweat!

Laertus: so the little old lady. i was crossing the crosswalk. slowly, then i see her car. so i make it a point to jog to the other side so she can drive by more quickly to get to her destination---to not clog up traffic for everyone else. later i find out that she was on her way to Krogers. and then i'm there in her same lane before the incident, before i knew who she was. there, she asks me to grab a ton-tub of vanilla ice cream---Cream City Brand---for her at the very top shelf of the ice aisle. i do it for her like the Good Boy Scout i am. it was weird at the time cos she said to me, "fetch it, faggot." like how did she know? just cos i'm tall? she thinks the blowjobs are better for me?

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh just how the "These Are Days" 10,000 Maniacs music video shows the whole wearing-a-rubber-Nixon-mask thing was passed down the generations successfully from the '80s to the '90s. ah, the days of innocent yonder and yore. and lore. back then people truly thought Nixon was as bad as it was gonna get.

Eye: Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas and go! let the comparison commence!

Laertus: you know how some McDonaldses are more special than others? the one on the Strip in Vegas is one of those McDonalds.

Dirg: they took down the Bump Playpark in the back but there's still a slot machine in the one bathroom stall.

Laertus: this film is a '90s film about the '70s wanting to be a '60s film. you know, one of those arthouse '60s films. i had misconceptions going in as to what this would be, most of the critics had slammed it as a stupid drug film that made no sense and was pointless cos it was plotless. but this turned out GREAT for me, i'm here for the haze, i'm no Hunter S. Thompson fan but Johnny humanized him for me. what a unique way to do the end-credits on that desert road. i liked his soliloquy epilogue at the end where he tearfully realizes that the '60s are never coming back. it's like my dad and his obsession with his '90s childhood.

Dirg: i liked when the two dudes are on the beach at midnight. i've done that many times. alone. thinking. hey, what do you expect when it's literally two dudes on a drug-trip in the stable city of Las Vegas? plus this is standard Monty Python fare. i liked it all cept for the Lizard People Orgy, i mean there's enough of 'em, we don't need more Illumnati being birthed and running around the world. and the world's oceans.

Eye: who wore it better? Murray or Depp? BM or JD? who did the droning voice and safari hat and teashades and mannerisms and long slender black cigarette-stem better?

Laertus: the one who did 21 Jump Street. how did those black dudes in the pilot crash all that glass and not get one shrapnel in them? little did fresh-faced cop Johnny know back then, he was preparing for this role. he was the young Republican his hippie boss lamented. and the public-service announcements at the end, we don't get that anymore in tv, they should bring that back to SVU.

Eye: is it just me or does Jamie Gray Hyder have a more robust sexy smoky natural voice when she's just herself and not acting than when she assumes that stilted voice to play her strutting character? i love that i learn new drug techniques from the show. Machine Elves, just in time for Christmas.

Dirg: Adam Arkin does that weird thing with his tongue when he speaks. that was the last time we saw Johnny Depp with the preppy hair holding a rose by the door. he took too much mescaline to play Hunter, messed him up for life. all that drug rage has got to go somewhere, unfortunately for him it went into his women.

Laertus: if---i mean when---they do the reboot of this film, it's gonna be CBD oil, not mescaline. speaking of cops, the highway-patrol-officer who wanted to REALLY frisk Hunter out there in the hot desert sun where no one could see. that was pretty erotic actually. i wanted him to use the cuffs for something else other than law enforcement. Busey is actually scary as hell when he's NOT on the drugs, a very imposing figure he shadows out there amongst the cacti.

Dirg: Stabler is a VERY CONVINCING gay! i have a headcanon that the reason Stabler on SVU is so gung-ho and boisterous and heated and aggressive dripping with machismo and Jim-Jordan-hairtrigger is that he's secretly gay and wants no one to know.

Michael Jordan: i am in no way related to that guy. save for the fact that i never forget those who slight me.

Laertus: yeah, and wasn't the guy who was openly freely berating Meloni that dude who ended up a male nurse on ER? the cameos here tho. these were people who weren't big yet but would become big. don't tell me you wouldn't want your message on a billboard birthed by Penn himself. it would be big and bold and breathless and blank...cos it would be by Teller. i love this film for being a travelogue, i love to visit a new place through the medium of film, i saw all of Vegas cos of this: the payphones, the sights, sounds, buzzes, whistles, gaudy vanilla drapes, neon strings, circus contagion, lost hope, poker chips on fire, dreams on the edge and on the ledge, fringe everything, a bulb everywhere, desert elevators, the waterfall of gold coins, all on display, and that's NOT the drug-fueled stuff. Vegas is the true City That Never Sleeps...there are no pillows in Vegas...

Eye: no Hills, either. Spider-Man as some blond freak hitchhiker, i fell in love with my first twink. Tobey Maguire doesn't need to act like he's on drugs, he just smiles and all is known.

Dirg: how did Benicio del Toro survive this? i mean if this were real life, he'd be electrocuted dead right now. he took it as a sign and Benicio concentrated on selling and hawking just nice n safe n mellow-tasting Heineken from then on.

Laertus: i LOVE the Mint 400! those scenes were directed brilliantly, i felt inside that giant gust of dust-cloud storm tornado! why did they cancel the race?

Dirg: not enough Linda Vaughn. i was chewing gum during those scenes. Pat Sajak got the idea for Wheel of Fortune from the Big Six Wheel, he lived in that wheel when they took his car. when they're on the phone acting to fool that girl, that was better acting than their actual acting in the film.

Laertus: Christina Ricci, every '90s kid's fantasy. young here, if you catch my drift, acting like a "dog" ahem ahem. instead of Carrie Fisher's mom they should have had Barbra Streisand herself singing in that lounge, then after her set she gets up on stage and announces she's Carrie Fisher's new mother! problem solved, Carrie Fisher is alive today. Ellen Barkin reprising her role as Alice...close enough...i KNEW that was Flea! Hunter himself said the only scene he liked from this film was when he was holding the flea-swatter. you know it's not a drug trip if you ever meet yourself, it's a spiritual awakening the likes of which few master, that keeps yogis in Benzes. that comical '50s Marijuana Monster movie everyone sees in health class. if they had just allowed marijuana back then, we wouldn't have the problems we have today, we'd all be legal hippies.

Dirg: Verne Troyer before a woman messed him up on tape. regular-sized woman not looking for publicity. and the 24 dude before he became the sniveling President!

Dirg: the diner scene at the end didn't work. you have to admit, all you bleeding hearts! like they were trying for something big with casting the white-trash waitress girl as a racist, but it all just petered out. what exactly were they trying to say here?

Laertus: beats. you're right. i got nothing. i was staring more at that cake and fries under the glass lid.  but at least we got a callforward to that SVU episode with the orangutan in the basketball.

Eye: that was cool at the end, i want to drive around like a madwoman on a plane tarmac! you know, like it defeats the purpose when you drive right up to the plane!

Dirg: i want to read that anarchist book Johnny as Hunter was clutching to his heart there at the end.

Eye: it's out of print...for a reason...

Dirg: in closing, of course the greatest thing from this film?...gluing a woman's eyes shut...good night, folks...

Rubikon: our world now is too crazy for drugs. we all feel our feelings in technicolor. we won't survive unless we all come together and love like a raver. you people are stupid. stop being ishly. it's all Pitbull, baby! Fifty Fifty Forever! let's get this faggot removed from the Oval Office already. i move to strike. i mean i don't get it, if Obama did the same thing, if it was proven that he broke the law, yeah i'd be disappointed, but it's not like this man is my brother, i'd have to concede that Obama must be removed, i wouldn't lose a wink of sleep over it, it was just my one vote, it happened, move on, moveon.org, i simply wouldn't care, i don't have loyalty to any man.

the crowd downstage cheers.

Rubikon sees the woman from before from the office interview, she's now in the crowd and wears the Socialist Blue armband like one of those rubber band bows used around the elbow to insert tight drug needles. Rubikon smiles in satisfaction.

Llywarch gets up next on stage, he struts around like a woman and does a female pose but the audience is confused, they are laserfocused on his hooves for hands.

Rubikon wheels out a stripper pole to the center of the stage and the crowd and the audience livestreaming at home cheer.

Rubikon: and for my next point...

TMIT: RICHIE RICH GOT RICH OFF MANGANESE NODULES

1. your lover LOOOOVEEESS to talk during sex. what is it you want to hear them say?

do it. DO IT. recite the stock market in Klingon. nothing big, just that i fill her empty hole when her mother abandoned her, just stuff like that. and that she loves my balls more than her Stone Spheres of Costa Rica.

2. you have been offered a posh, all-expenses-paid voyage aboard Richie Rich's opulent yacht to a sunny tropical island. only thing is you must sit on deck naked---sunning, sipping your favorite drink, eating your favorite foods. would you do it...take the fantastic voyage naked? don't forget to wave to all the other boats and passersby.

it would go down something like this:

Phoenix (me): is it still a Fantastic Voyage if you're too miniature for anyone to see you naked?...

Phoenix: thank you but i'm not a boat guy.
Wendy: i'm not into hamburgers. especially when they're square, i want my burgers to be free and sizzle past the shackles of civilization and rave. glow but not cos they're filled with chemicals. i'm a vegan witch, i only eat spirit animals.

Phoenix: so Lonely Island...
Lisa Simpson: Costa Rica's not an island...

Phoenix: why is there so much egg nog this time of year?
Jimmy Buffett: gotta have someplace to put the rum.

Phoenix: i only play one sport naked.
Casper: *blushes* do tell.
Phoenix: shuffleboard.
Casper: but where's the shuffleboard disc?
Phoenix: find it, it's somewhere on my body...

Richie Rich: i built a gold tennis court on my yacht!
Phoenix: but you don't play tennis!
Richie Rich: even I can beat down that Greek upstart! I'M the magnate here!!!

as i wave, i notice the Titanic...

3. if you worked in human resources and two equally-qualified applicants were up for the same one position in the company but one of them is listed on their resume as a stripper as a past job would you hire that person?

i never mean to be discriminatory but i'd hire the stripper on the spot over the nonstripper. more experience in life, they would have such stories, child! you could fill a book with them! i'm assuming this is a publishing house. if it's a papers like David Brent's The Office, that's another matter cos then it would be more about the paper than what's on the paper. their stripper pole would have a dual-function: it would serve as the company fire-escape as well. hook up a sex-swing to every office ceiling so you don't get bored to death looking at stuck pencils, that increases productivity. do companies even exist anymore? it's all done by computer now, right? no need for buildings.

4. is your dating game high-tech or low-tech? my dating game is Zack-Morris-Grey-Brick-Phone tech

5. what's the most disappointing text you've ever received? you can give us the context or just the text:

text context, love the wordplay. well it was one sent by Billy. he told me my broken arm wasn't healing fast enough and he'd have to do the tour without me, even tho he'd just kissed and made up with Jimmy after all these years, my ex. and then dude has the nerve to get up on stage after his number he wrote himself and show with a hologram a blonde woman who looks suspiciously like me and the caption under reads:

we tried to get her help. she refused all our advances. she reneged on our deal. she loves drugs and her horses more than the music and you fans. she's like a Gallagher brother. she's a lost cause.

me and D'arcy

BONUS: what's your best advice for boosting someone's sex drive: Boost Mobile

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THIS NINTENDOHEAD CONCEDES

notes:

* alas, it just isn't the '80s anymore. Nintendo was king in the '80s. in fact in the '80s the symbol of ALL VIDEO GAMES was that Nintendo gray box. when you thought of video games, you thought of Nintendo. or maybe a used Centipede arcade cabinet screen smeared with the grease off your jumbo-slice pizza you gasping for air at midnight at an unlit parking lot staring down the glare of Pasqually. ah, innocent times, when a centipede was still a centipede. nowadays PlayStation is king. cos of their commercials. if Nintendo invested in making filmic commercials the way PlayStation does...like why not hire the Mario & Zelda dude to do them...but...Nintendo is content now to just be the kiddie department.

* of course all of this is moot now cos Disney Plus owns everything.

* captive: what are these markings?
captor: potato in an alien language.
captive: i'm a nobody! why do you want me? i'm just a potato, useless on youtube!
captor: you're more valuable than gold. we're doing a little collective global experiment on our homeworld: we're not bringing back the McRib, we're bringing back when the fries were cooked in beef fat...

* DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. ONLY KILL IN VIDEO GAMES

* Lev & Igor: it's not what it looks. we're delivering Santa to the kids in the dead of night. carrying and unloading him in this sack of potatoes. to keep it a grand secret. yes he's inside his own gift sack but that's for security reasons.

* with this oculus, you can finally see inside Mark Zuckerberg's mind...

* what's missing from this neon Japanese scenescape from the year 2049?
a) it's a utopia
b) bicycles
c) this is EXACTLY how 2049 is gonna look
d) flying cars

* now-playing movie marquee: Detective Pikachu…

* what's the difference between this scene and my home scene?
a) the sky darkens, there's an electricity in the crisp air, sparks fly tender yonder and thither...and then it only actually starts to rain over there, not here where we've just been teased for a whole year now…

* Keanu: can you see?
woman on pulley: my glasses block the rain.
Keanu: are you doing a sexy dance for me?
woman: not everything is about you, Keanu.

* Norman Bates: i have that quirk in my personality where i can't have the O light in that MOTEL sign be dark, can't let that slide, my brain organizes differently, i'm gonna go fix that instead of stepping into this shower...
MEANWHILE the girl from Frozen stares intently at her glass of water...not waiting for it to freeze but for dinosaur steps...

* dominatrix: the Millennium Falcon was MY ship! it was stolen by Han when i refused his advances! no need for a soft balloons landing, my ass is so sweet it cushions the fall. yes it's a slave ship...a sex slave ship...but it's all consensual...

* Scully: holy SHIT what's going on at this gas station! ever notice how all video-game commercials have at least one scene at a gas station at night? same with Denny's and Prius and Reebok commercials. this is too weird, i'm calling my hubby Mulder...

* Scully: up in the sky! a bird! a plane! a dragon! yes it's a dragon dropping...? THE REAL ENDING!!!

* Emilia Clarke: i was the one who pushed for the end. and that was the producers' way of getting back at me for it. look, i want to do romcoms, okay? i was BORN to do romcoms! more cute kisses, less nakedness. who's my favorite writer? Seth. Seth doesn't write Family Guy anymore you say?...

* Scully: who are you? are you okay, mister?
man: i've been through harder hits. i, uh, well i have a lot of time on my hands now. i used to play for the NFL.
*fire wall blazes forth*
Scully: are you gonna be alright, mister?
man: see all this fire? this is the belly of the beast.
Scully: the dragon?
man: no, Roger Goodell's office.

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happy weekend, my friends.

TOMORROW: it's gotta be that Double Chalupa from Taco Bell. right? i am completely influenced by commercials, they determine what i eat. i mean after that Taco Bell PlayStation commercial...with the guy with the beard who looks like Bull from Night Court if he had facial hair...