BOXED: THE ANSWER IS FLOWERS AND SINGING

Alex Trebek: i am now an Immortal.

Marianne Williamson: i am opening myself up. spiritually. my vagina will solve the Climate Crisis. i have The Climate Crisis Clit. everyone, i need all my followers to pray with me to send all the extra hurricane water into my vagina. don't worry it can take it. see? why haven't we had a woman leader again? it would make life so much better. I AM THE PHOENIX!!!...…...the Phoenix from Marvel Comics...

President Bump: i mean what is up with Will & Grace? i used to LOVE that show! almost as much as i love Elton John! i thought that was a good show, good people---i don't judge---but now they're all shit. all went to shit with a tweet, imagine that. i mean that show was one of the very precious few lucky ones who were able to reboot successfully. 11 years later, who cares about 11 years later? btw, is The Apprentice ever coming back? i'm waiting, NBC. i'm just gonna hang out in my corner with the good gay. Jack Bauer, right? i like brown people.

Bump shoves a microphone inside his own nose.

Bump: IT'S HAPPENING!!! IT'S COMING!!!

Putin: what are you blathering on about now?

Bump: the Hurricane. 5 is fake news, there have been Hurricane 6s for millennia now, the MSM just won't report them. Alex Jones minored in meteorology at Berkeley.

Putin flicks Bump into the atmosphere with his pinkie ring and Bump disappears into a high bank of grey clouds. Putin smiles at the camera and his teeth are so gold it looks like he just got done eating a bank of corn-on-the-cob.

Bump: just don't let it hit any of my golf properties in Florida! or Mar-a-Lago, that's where i address. the ball. you can control that, right? you're controlling all my moves!

Putin: oh i'm gonna eke out being the hero in all this as usual. imma steer Hurricane Dorian over to the Amazon Rainforest to put out that fire. that's putting out two fires in one, i'll be an international hero!

Laertus: why is it that the first topline link to anything i want to search online is the Fox News link. not just political stuff, pop culture stuff, too! i'm sick of it! it's not about both sides, it's about the right side and the Right Side.

Dirg: hey, at least Omar has now had a proper affair, i couldn't stomach anymore brother stuff. and who would leave a beautiful wife like that?, she's the mom from 7th Heaven. she was all our mom.

at First Take, Ros has taken over for Molly Q:

Ros: why have i replaced the Q? cos i'm Gold, baby!

Stephen A: why don't i have my own show yet! tv show. you know why my arm's in a cast? i was trying to prove Carmelo Anthony ain't just a ball hog and can do more with the ball, can pass it as well as score it. he tried to pass the rock to me but the pass was so godawful it broke my arm.

Max: speaking of pass, Andrew Luck is shit out of luck. he can throw, but he was given an unfair shot at life. they never bought him an offensive line, they were too cheap! that's not his fault, he couldn't control that, he was born in the wrong era.

Dirg: he couldn't help being millennial.

Max: the Indie Colts Horsehoe, isn't the horseshoe supposed to bring luck? it didn't bring Andrew Luck.

Laertus: i watch football for the indie-film potential. for the articles. the Hard Knocks drama. that ESPN show Playmakers---scripted mind you but based on real life---that was this great HBO take of take-no-prisoners show that slammed the entire football organization and hierarchy and genre and cult and ESPN took it off the air cos it was TOO real.

Eye Luggage: with the voice of Marvel's Beast as a hired-hand assistant coach in a Florida flamingo shirt and beard, loved it, *laughs*

Dirg: he got roughed up by some motel balcony thugs coming to collect and would have required a neck brace.

Andrew Luck: why'd i get booed at tho? i get none of the luck. *lick*

Bump: cos of Hurricane Andrew...

Federer: i know how Andy here feels. not Roddick. i'm thinking of retirement. hi guys, i'm ready for the podcast. yes i know i'm early. and yes, i am still depressed. i don't want to talk about it.

Dirg: hey man, tough break. speaking of break what happened before the final set? bathroom break? you were in there a while.

Fed: i don't want to talk about it. it wasn't number one or number two it was number three, okay? so...…...something which trumped Lizstomania, Cocomania:

Coco Gauff: mom, dad, i want a tattoo! the same one as Polona Hercog, she inspired me at Wimbledon!

parents: but she has multiple tats!

Coco: exactly. just think, i'll have sleeves! you won't have to buy me overpriced white Wimbledon sweaters anymore!

parents: *rubbing their temples* fuck us, it's started, hasn't it. despite our best effort. i blame YouTube. hold on, honey, we gotta place a call to Capriati. that's not a wine seltzer.

Maria Butina: Overstock.com, see they have overstocked goods cos they're overpriced goods...

Fed: that was cool to see the first-ever Couple Slam in tennis history: both Svitolina AND Gael Monfils win the Slam at the same event.

President Bump: and boy did they ever couple-slam afterwards! i loved that Closing Ceremony, they took down the net and just let those two fuck naked for hours on the tennis court while everyone watched! that's America. even Carlos Ramos was allowed back in to watch! so much sweat, so much sweat on a cloudy day. i got to see ALL their tattoos. i have a special drone only i have given to me by Bill Nye---or Bull Nye as i call him---i use to spy on my enemies, so i took a peek at each of their lockerrooms before their big matches. Gael was sweating, he was worried if he lost that Final he'd lose Svitolina:

Gael: where are you, Svitty?

Svitolina: don't call me shitty.

Gael: it's not true what they say about Italian guys. black guys are better.

Svitolina: don't worry, focus on your theatrics out there. you gotta put on a good show, tennis is WWE! i swear everytime you leap up into the air 20 feet like Mario and come down on that overhead smash my vag gets weak and watery.

Bump: yeah, so that Opening Ceremony: send me that wheelchair-chick Broadway singer over to my office in the Cream House, kay Mooch?

Mooch: no, sir, THAT is where i take a stand.

Bump: what's up with you, Mooch, why are you fucking me? what did i do to you to gain your ire?

Mooch: you've never earned anything in your life, sir. you fired me, sir. then you forced me to continue working for you after the firing, sir. i have the perfect Gordon Gekko hair and it's all wasted on this job!

Bump: didn't you at one time in your life---which means at a press conference---say that you love me?

Mooch: it's called tough love, sir. i have the signatures, but when i put them on your desk to approve them, THAT's when you claim you can't read so the bills don't become laws.

Tom Steyer: fuck the debates, they can't keep me down. i lost by 1 point? come on, what is this, Lupin that bizarre '80s series when Lupin wore a pink jacket that everyone hates? i have all the money in the world, i grow money on magic trees, i'm just gonna go on every cable-news show ever and interview forever...i could have been debate-prepping but now i have all the time in the world. you'll never get rid of this face on your tv! I'M A WINSOME SMILING TREE IMP.

Laertus: hey Tom Steyer, NO ONE hates the '80s, it was a magical bizarre winsome time.

at the House of Commons, Boris Johnson is up shouting across that horizontal pile of gold-green-and-red Indiana Jones tomes:

Bojo: i have the last Popeye's Chicken Sandwich! YES it is I!!! excuse me, Speaker, i gotta check the scores.

Bojo leaves to a neighboring hallway away from view. into an empty elevator. he checks his Pear watch for the latest vote-tally. his Pear watch, though, is an old-fashioned black longstem phone, corded, with the large fluted-flower black receiver. he holds the dial in his masturbating hand. Boris places a call:

Boris: hello? yes, is this Hair Club For Men?

at the Treehouse Washing Machine Room, everything in this room is wood:

Doryce: including my clit. are you doing our weekly wash, my dear?

Gladyce: right away, dear, tho i am frightfully tired.

Doryce: hey watch out, babe, the water level's getting high. here's a rule of burnt thumb: NEVER put the water-level knob to high. always keep it normal level. that prevents flooding, which we don't need, we've already got a hurricane a week.

Gladyce becomes distracted and pushes HIGH on the water level cos she daydreams about going on a cruise with her beloved on water where there's water water everywhere, everywhere the eye can see. and the third eye cos she's dreaming.

the water level in the room gets to the crones' ankles and starts wetting their brown pantyhose and kneehigh socks and britches...

Gladyce: i'm dreaming of steakhouse wedge...

at the Colorado Springs Spiritual Convention, Madame Pons has just gotten done listening to Marianne Williamson and claps as hard as her soft soaped hands can manage while whistling by putting her dirty finger in her mouth. the crowd goes wild.

Marianne: this is a spiritual convention, not a spiritual con.

Pons: she's the best!

Pons runs into Sue Su in the elevator. an elevator that includes a large potted plant and a cactus among the people cramming in.

Pons: hi Sue! what's up with this? why is everyone crushed in here like sardines?

Sue can barely breathe much less talk, there are mouths and pens and posters flying everywhere.

Sue: they've all come for me. isn't it great! i've suddenly become VERY popular, mucho followers.

Pons: how come?

Sue: exactly. i filmed me and my boyfriend fucking and livestreamed it. that quadrupled my followers in one second. don't worry, the heads were cut off. on the tape on the tape.

Pons: oh honey, this is what i warned you about, please be careful. i'll always protect you. like now physically. or when i'm slinging soap at LUSH. i'm always with you, know that. i'm always thinking of you even when i'm not present. how do they know it's you?

Sue: there's a tattoo right above my clitoris that reads SS. it should be fine.

the elevator door opens and the mob empties out in a hazy ragey ball of massive grey cloud, outer bands, no shear, and eye lightning.

at the podcast:

Eye: stay out of the eye, folks, but not this Eye. that Humira commercial, go. that Gadi Schwartz looks like a cool young Clark Kent.

Laertus: you know Gadi Schwartz learned everything about earthquake safety and prep packs and emergency quake kits from children's cereal and having dated Maria LaRosa. before we start leave the last name alone, Dirg.

Dirg: okay the bitch in this Humira commercial is hot as fuck! i mean those legs, those thighs! dat ass! squeezed into those jeans! and those hooker boots! with the innocent-looking striped '70s Gallagher shirt and innocent puppy-dog blue eyes, i mean come on. i love how she's always cooking him steak and comparing heights at her family house and not letting him read her diary and swinging. the swing in her backyard. and she always has that look of concern for him, she even blows off her own parents when she sees he's finally arrived at her front lawn. only he can make her smile. even at a rooftop-party brick bathroom. the more he gets the runs the more she falls in love with him. you know what gets me extra hot when i view this commercial? they're brother and sister!

Laertus: dude.

Dirg: what, they look like brother and sister. her house was his house, it was the family home.

Eye: and moving it right along, The Steven Universe Movie.

Tyzik: nothing more can be said, it's already all been said online.

Laertus: it was quite the lovely love letter to fans, started off creepily slow but it really did find its stride at the end. the new villain Spinel, i grew to love her in the end! of the 90 minutes.

Dirg: '40s rubberhose animation, i loved her. i already drew a paheal of her between commercials. the film played with a lot of old-timey stock elements, old Disney Sleeping Beauty grandeur. and the stars-and-stripes bedazzled-coats-with-tophat song-and-dance-man number at the end, on the many cascading white steps, very MGM, very Family Guy. with the dancers with overstocked overstuffed pink boa feathers. you can tell the Crewniverse watched a lot of Bugs Bunny cartoons to prepare for this. Disney is already suing this movie. who does Spinel remind me of again?

Laertus: Helga from Hey Arnold.

Eye: i want Connie and Steven to kiss. on the lips! make them a couple already, let's go!

Dirg: agreed. have them fuck or it's not as bold a cartoon as they think they are. do it, Rebecca, you've already gotten practiced in with all that offbeat Ed Edd n Eddy porn you drew on napkins at school, she's used to it.

Dirg: speaking of school, spare a thought tonight for the poor sap 8-year-old boy kid with the crewcut who watches this great movie till 7:30 PM then the next morning has to get up at the crack of 7:30 AM after a summer hiatus that ended too creepily fast, to go to a new school, new kindergarten, new middle school, new junior high, new high school, new college, new uni, new postgrad, new PhD. remember how we felt? when school crept up on you like that? this is the most terrifying time of year! stranger in a strange land, with only the memories of Spinel to keep you from getting bullied. why did they keep singing when they were about to speak?

Laertus: oh i dunno maybe cos it's a musical?

Dirg: Spinel's rubberhose penis, that proves all the Crystal Gems are male.

Eye: when Spinel was singing in her abandoned planet, and waiting for 6000 years, i got flashbacks to that Futurama dog.

Laertus: or all the poor pets from Dr. Stone. why didn't Lars have a line?

Dirg: cos he's pink, that's discrimination.

Laertus: or his relationship with Sadie is sketchy at best.

Dirg: fact is, this movie was mostly filler. cos it was one huge explanation for the newbies. Steg, the fusion between Steven and Dad, was...

Eye: Jojo's Bizarre Adventure. why does Steven have a neck tho?

Dirg: to mess with the animators. why was it commercial-free? it was 90 minutes nonstop. i had to pee.

Neale: me, too.

Eye: also to mess with the animators. they had to work nonstop animating this thing without peeing. i like how they were honest with the fact that Steven had a bad mom, i could relate, made me closer with my mom when we watched it together.

Dirg: you know why this movie was wonky? cos it was unnecessary, the series had already wrapped up, then they had to produce more content, it was like Dragon Ball. suddenly Pink Diamond has a playmate no one had ever heard of. what the hell is Season 6 gonna be!!? more manufactured chaos to disrupt the already-happy ending.

Laertus: bra. Steven Universe is insanely popular.

Dirg: yes but why, i never got that, never understood that. i represent the minority online, i'm for that poor sap 8-year-old boy kid who just doesn't get what all the hoopla is about, who thinks equality and gender fluidity are strange concepts, the young man who wants the world hard. who thinks that poisoning young minds to the Left will have consequences far more dire to the planet than Climate Change. it doesn't pay to outreach, it leads to far more outreaching consequences. he doesn't want to see his little sister become a genderqueer simply by watching a tv show! the boy, the kid out there with the crewcut who defies the Crewniverse and the Obama Agenda!

Laertus: bra, it's just a cartoon. at least Steven seems to have recovered from his deep depression rather quickly. the Steven voice actor i mean.

Eye: Legend, go, we're running out of time.

Laertus: exactly. this film represents a tale that is so old in human history it's like the first cogent cohesive coherent tale ever told between tribes of the earliest humans to keep them entertained and solidly connected while sitting on bear-god skins, a story of good and evil that is older than the written word or even speech.

Dirg: in other words, Tom Cruise's Scientology language.

Eye: Mia Sara, amirite? i mean fuck. and this was BEFORE Ferris Bueller! just think about that for a moment.

Laertus: talk about mood whiplash. what do we make of Tim Curry's Devil?

Dirg: i honestly thought he'd be from India.

Eye: like he was scary. creepy. but also fuckable. he had that glint in his eye like he wasn't all bad, he could joke around, too. those sinews on his muscles, yummy, lickable, like Mexican wrestlers. i could see myself fucking Satan for pleasure.

Dirg: isn't that what you need to do to become a goth?

Eye: no, that's get inspired by the dress and dark makeup and dark dancing and black lipstick and pointy Maleficent punk spikes of Black Mia Sara!

Dirg: isn't Mia Sara already black? half-black.

Eye: that was the first time i heard the term alicorn. i always thought it was a vibrator.

Laertus: those poor unicorns! like elephants. i kept thinking about those working horses on set having to run ragged for our human pleasure. you could tell the ENTIRE movie was filmed inside a HUGE warehouse studio in downtown Burbank or something. the outside scenes were a little too cavernous.

Dirg: see? a bitch fucked up mankind. she caused the downfall of man, she caused all the sin in the world.

Laertus: for petting? light petting? why? plus it plays into the whole thing that all women love horses and can't control themselves.

Dirg: if she had just become a baker's daughter like her nanny told her none of this would have happened...did you see how Tom Cruise had a hard time jumping? he can't do shit without a harness and rope zip, he can't flip like he does his bottles in Cocktail.

Llywarch: who's that pygmy goatboy on screen? he's copying me!

Laertus: Honeythorn Gump was scarier than the Lord of Darkness. nuclear take i know. something creepy in those eyes. he was like 20 but looked 12. that one devil's servant at the beginning had a scarier voice than the Lord, must have been the dub. Honeythorn should have eaten more boxed chocolate, his eyes always had the look of being filled with acid. i would never have guessed the riddle, right? you needed inside information, it wasn't like trying to answer why the chicken crossed the road.

Eye: you needed to know that particular breed of flower in the land. Zelda copied that reflecting light off mirrors thing for their puzzles.

Dirg: i'd fuck Meg Mucklebones, i don't care. they'll let anyone into Starfleet these days. and why didn't Tom Cruise want to fuck Oona? can you imagine the singular sensation of having a tiny fairy inside your penishole? what exactly was the moral of this movie? after all the alternate endings.

Eye: Tom Cruise is a damn good swimmer. or the Devil needs better food.

Laertus: dunno it's very confusing. it's, like, innocence and everything, but humanity can never really hold onto innocence. the Devil will always kinda win in the end. i guess i'll go with this: we are all animals.

Laertus: but the point is this: THIS FILM IS THE MOST FUCKED-UP PG MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!!

at the cons, there's a con for every stripe, every type, every flavor. Marianne mixes it with Madonna who mixes it with MC McPeepants who mixes it with Pokimane. Dirg finds himself milling amongst the crowds hungry but not that hungry. a tall woman in a tall luxurious green emerald twinkling ballroom-gown dress with huge silvery glaze wings and green polka dots for cheeks approaches him.

Gala: hello there. stranger. i'm Gala the Elf.

Dirg: nice D.Va cosplay.

Gala: thanks. i see you staring at the Jack In The Box over there. it's weird seeing a Jack In The Box completely inside a convention center.

Dirg: i want to go in, but…

Gala: there's a Starbucks right next to it if you're sick of Mountain Dew...

Dirg: it's not that, it's just...well, i don't like talking to servers---having to interact with humans---when i get my fast food.

Gala: you are so millennial i love it!

Dirg: like that black guy, famous gamer guy who offed. he couldn't help what era he was born in, he literally died by tech. he died because of all the technology surrounding him. that is so lame, i ain't going out like that...i ain't going out! poor sap, he had so much potential. he was smart and funny and handsome, he knew all the references, if he had been born in a different era he would have become the First Obama!

Gala: feeling hungry now?

Dirg: you're easy to talk to. what's your name?

TMIT: MARILYN MANSON: AARP AMBASSADOR

1. when you're old, would you rather die before or after your significant other? Marilyn Manson is 50! and Trent Reznor is a middle-aged happily-married family man. i'm getting old. i'm getting old now. i mean does it matter anymore when my heroes have lasted, survived, and won life like this?

2. would you rather live at the top of a tall apartment building, in your favorite city, or at the top of a mountain?

CLICK HERE 

3. would you rather have to sew all your clothes or grow your own food?

CLICK HERE

4. would you rather have your debt forgiven or have guaranteed good health for a decade?

i want to own Colonial Penn insurance cos that made Alex Trebek miraculously recover.

i'd rather just be forgiven.

socialized medicine in the United States, why the fuck is it so hard to do!!?

5. would you rather take a bubble bath with your boss or fuck your neighbor?

bubble bath with my boss cos that one has an emoji on Instagram...

BONUS: would you rather have the details of your financial life or your love life be made public?

girls, girlbosses, and just bosses are smart now in this age, good on Bella Thorne and Whitney Cummings and Jeff Bezos, they release their own nudes, retain their power, and sap all the power from their bullies. of course this could just all be a function of the fact that people nowadays seem to have no shame about ANYTHING anymore, but hey, whatever works, right?

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

FIT TO BE TIED

notes:

* the doctors say in order for me to stay in the locked insane asylum i gotta do some form of exercise. either Noom or Fitbit. i told him i choose the one where you do those mind puzzles but they said i have to exercise my heart so i wrote a letter to an old college flame who broke my heart and we made up. while wearing a unitard. i told them i thought staying at a funny farm would be cool like in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, i asked them where Jack is, where The Indian is. they told me Jack Nicholson hasn't worked in ages...

* COLLEGE FLASHBACKS!!! i can't take it! whenever i see those subway slots i think of Berkeley. course in my day we didn't have highfalutin gadgetry that you put your watch screen to the slot and that takes the place of the ticket you had in your smelly leather wallet. i cherished that ticket, cos i could never afford concert tickets to SP when they still had D'arcy with the apostrophe. some leaped the entire process and just jumped over the slot, they were the ones who became Olympic parkourists and trapeze artists who could kiss a woman on the downward swing or cops. BART was my best friend, even though he was a cowboy. there were always cavity searches, but in my day they were done for fun in the street...

* Cenk from Young Turks. he's still pissed his MSNBC show didn't work out. remember that period in MSNBC lore when they were trying out new hosts? like 40 different hosts? they even tried out that Martin guy who exposed Michael Jackson---if you know what i mean. i always liked that guy, loved his accent, i learned the phrase "drugs cheat" from him. he drove crosscountry just to break into Neverland with his new evidence. but then he went crazy over some pizza thing and MSNBC canned him.

* guy on date: you know we're all gonna have to eat a plant-based diet soon or the Earth will explode. it's simply unsustainable to keep breeding cattle for meat.
woman on date: is that a crack at my bald head? you think it looks like a head of lettuce?

* woman exercising: why am i sweating? i thought this was virtual!
instructor: COBRA KAI!!!

* group of runners: it's dangerous for women to run at night...unless you're in a group of kickass women Marines who've killed many enemy soldiers in war on the frontlines.

* exerciser: is this yoga? why are my pants so tight?
fellow exercise biker: cos you're sweating too much. you gotta breathe. and you gotta let your pants breathe.
male yoga-er: i'm not wearing any pants. cos i'm smarter than the average bear.

* dude with full beard in bed: what time is it? where are we? it feels like i've slept for 100 years.
wife in bed: you weren't supposed to wake up till Movember.
dude: what's that crying?
wife: that's your soul. and the baby, get up and feed her.
dude: we have a baby? last thing i remember the Dodgers won the World Series…

* dog: i pant. humans should pant, too.
male yoga-er: i pant...
dog: that's pants!

* restauranteur: does that thing predict if we're going on a second date?
Joey Greco: you don't want to know...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies.

everyone stay safe out there. i'm worried about the ancient kingdom of Atlantis...

TOMORROW: so after the whole stargazy pie this week, i decided i'll skirt the stargazing at least for one week to recover, instead i'll have a Triple Double Crunchwrap from Taco Bell instead of looking up at the stars. i really just do this for the box. you know what Oscar Wilde would say right now...

why doesn't Taco Bell serve fish tacos?

BOXED: EMBRACE THE BRACE

Marianne Williamson tiptoes on the stones of her palatial estate staircase one by one like a pro in her heels. she looks out at all the people at her beck and call eyes and mouths open waiting for her next word of inspiration, tongue thought, with baited breath and eardrums. attentive as fuck, there is silence. even though they are all at a desert.

Marianne raises her arms.

Marianne: now i know how Madonna felt. i mean Evita. oh hello, Neale.

Neale Donald Walsch tiptoes with heavy boots in black cowboy garb even though it's the desert and kisses Marianne on the tongue. Marianne responds with a heavy hug. Russell Brand looks on angrily with a scowl...or is that just how all British people look in their resting best face?

Marianne: 8 kids, right?

Neale: i'm afraid so. i had a lot of distractions during my journey. they call me The Donald.

Marianne: okay then, i won't hug you so tight.

Neale: i was right about Bump. i'm playing him in the movie. if President Bump DID do the infrastructure everyone wanted of him, those drills would have continued and i wouldn't have been able to hear that '90s payphone call which got me out of base poverty and into my radio DJ job! and my heartbreak to this day! back in my day, Amazon still sold books. and sold MY book. now they've like taken over the old Golden Age Hollywood Studio System for some goddamn reason. well looks like the party's all here! why is it that all deserts MUST have motorcycle gangs? we got that one pink chick who insists on having pink hair. Gandhi wannabe by the reflecting pool. and Pablo from the Star Wars freaks.

Marianne: HELLO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! you know, whenever you see an infinity pool in a stone backyard, you're either at Stonehenge, Los Angeles, or at a Colorado Springs massive spiritual ritual retreat!

the audience laughs like a motherfucker.

Marianne: OKAY bye bye, i'm going in now.

Llywarch blocks the door with his hoof.

Llywarch: whenever you see on Instagram a hot babe roaming Joshua Tree desert, you KNOW that woman is an unbroke actress.

Marianne: unbroke actress?

Llywarch: an actress who has yet to experience her first big break.

Marianne: okay i was thinking something else. fuck me, are you a...…...goat man? i need to meditate harder.

Llywarch whinnies.

Eye Luggage: okay, ma'am, the McDonald's commercial.

Marianne: I'M LOVIN' IT!!!

Dirg: no way, man, NO WAY. are you kidding me? can you imagine if that were a young woman student and an old-fart professor? the elites don't want to see the common man win.

Marianne: should have been two women, but i'll take their two men. ah, takes me back to my college days...which were just right now when i met Russell Brand. it's a mystery how we met, people are still trying to figure out the power dynamic.

Laertus: i'm just trying to see this commercial in the frame of our Obec College. this would never happen here, our Professors are too surly. the struggling student goes to office hours with the prof, just the two of them all alone in his big expansive office that's almost an outdoor stage with the huge-ass open windy windows. all wooden and stature and grand of course, smelling of erudition. the boy trips over his bike chain and to break the ice offers his teach a nice hot brown bag of egg mcmuffin and fountain orange juice with ice. the juice with foam in the morning.

Eye: that is so heavenly. that's a bold student! i don't think i'd have the balls to buy my professor food like that, it's too trying to buy the Grade A, right? wouldn't the teacher be smart enough for that? or do you need glasses to see through?

Marianne: i'm thinking the reverse. cowgirl. like the professor inviting the struggling student over for office hours and he buys the young man the coffee and burger and vape smokes. plies him with fries. softens him up. his mind that is so he can learn gooder.

Dirg: you can't learn how to write a paper. it's not like math problems.

Marianne: as President i want the world to be this soft and unsuspicious. mentor and student, eating a meal together, learning together, harmonious learning from each other, it's like me and Russell Brand.

Eye: people wonder: did you do his radio show as a favor, or was it the other way around?

Marianne: this was back when we were both considering a Presidential run. we had actually met earlier...but we both forgot...cos the sex was that good. we met the day before. we met for office hours in a wooden open-air office that was way too big for two people. despite no drapes drawn the stupid students were too busy faces buried in their phones to notice anything happening in the office as they strolled past. Russell and i, it was love at first sight, not in a saying way, we both REALLY believe in such things! like actual kinetic psychic energy between our third eyes blinking in unison! Russell threw me on the desk and fucked my ass so hard i couldn't meditate in my usual yogic yonic position for weeks, i had to do it upside-down. don't worry, i only fucked the G.O.A.T.---Russell---not any goats, i'm not a Satanist, okay? i rode Russell's long hair so hard he went bald, his head hair dropped into his monk beard. i sucked his penis so hard it came out of his butt, which is the final Vedic transformation from man to god. you see those statues strewn everywhere, right? like in hotel lobbies. with the extra hands? he cummed so hard on my glistening nude body from the golden-hour university clocktower sun angle it shot off like a kind of spilled white-out liquid-paper fluid which completely covered the entire stack of midterm essay papers, so hard it loosened softened the staples on all the pages. that was when we realized we were soul mates---and that we had no idea who had which grade anymore.

Eye: so...who was the guru and who was the student?

Marianne: we forgot, we had crossed the threshold of ecstasy, gorged on guruness, forgotten our past selves, our previous roles in a society we no longer recognized. suffice to say Russ and i were joined in universal celestial union, our third eyes were one eye, our penises and vaginas were flower flutes. his long scruffy monk beard was my vag hair. we fucked up high in the sky. and had Holiday McDonald's Pie afterwards, served all year! later Russell got into some kinky stuff. he smushed a rare McDonald's mudpie in my face and said, "here's mud in your third eye." he poked my eyes with fries. he covered my entire naked body with 1000 ketchup packets' worth of ketchup all spread to every one of my limbs, he was doing this blood-bond thing cept the blood was just ketchup...

Russell: ...let's not talk about those things, dear, everyone has their own unique journey they must travel alone. i'm not lonely, let me see your phone, so you can never have this phone again, you need to get spiritual. MORE spiritual. wait, you have more followers than me? now i feel as small as The Atom.

Eye: wow. that's when you know you've got something special with someone, when you forget.

at the G7 Batman James Bond white roundtable, President Bump calmly places a call to Puerto Rico:

Bump: that Red Table was annoying anyway. lady, look, nukes or paper towels, your call.

Bump: NUKE FRANCE!

Macron: WHAT!!? NO! CALM DOWN!

Bump: what were you doing with Iran!!? France and Iran were secretly plotting without me and were gonna nuke America!

Macron: no. here, rest your big head on these Trudeau rainbow socks, they make any man calmer. see? like you're riding the NYC subway.

Bump: ahhhh, thank you. where is Trudeau anyway? where is Melania?

Macron; she's, uh, with my wife.

Bump: well then, she's the prettiest one there, prettier than Melania.

Macron: thanks, best friend.

Bump: *on unsecured batphone* you know how to play golf, Vlad?

Putin: if China invented it, then yes.

Eye: okay Fed, your turn. tennis roundup.

Federer: hi, thanks, guys. i'm really depressed. i'm just back from a job.

Laertus: oh yeah, we saw you on tv! you're a great EXTRA correspondent! you were so cute with your microphone covering your mouth.

Federer: uh, thanks, yeah i had a nice sitdown with Damian Steiner. we talked about his destination wedding in the Bahamas and Barbados, his newest knickknacks for Fall, and who we wants to win. the Election.

Dirg: bro, you should have asked Damian about the fact that the system is rigged against you winning!

Federer: i know i know, i had a golden opportunity, but i haven't been feeling myself. where i used to shine and conquer, i now retreat. i keep losing these first sets, the fire in me is gone, i'm just a sack of croaking coal out there on the court, i don't hear the screams anymore. now the screams are in my head.

Genie Bouchard: Rog, i admire you, i really do, i look up to you---not like that---but what were you doing in my room?

Federer: it's not what you think! i wasn't looking for a pick-me-up, a bad-streak-breaker. i just went into your closet to try on all your babydol tennis dresses. to see if they were a good fit for the men. we need an openly gay male tennis player on tour. to distract from my devastating losses. whoever you are, please come to me first! don't worry, i'll pay for the hotel room. look, when i said i was your brother, i meant it in the whole-of-humanity sense, we're all brothers in life.

Genie: Roger, why weren't you at the weeklong US Open festivities a week before the tournament?

Fed: what? that was a thing? why didn't anybody tell me? see these are the parties i don't go to anymore.

Chrissie Evert: Serena and Sharapova, the rivalry continues! the rivalry that never materialized! look on these two giants one last time, folks, it will be the last time! these two twinkling tennis titans have shared everything: the Grand Slam, money, fame, the spotlight, unfair scrutiny, drugs, clothing line, men...

at the Alvord desert, the two crones are silent eyes closed in prayer squatting yogically and yonically on the hot sand.

Fuerza: get up, girls  you've prayed your peace. i'll look after the girl. well, Jill will at HomeCountry, she'll train her up, she is our brightest prospect since you two and Merkel! she'll make a fine witch.

Gladyce: *tearing* she was trying to exceed her limits like any good spell does! one last ale for the void, no more weird Japanese drawing porn, dear.

Doryce: she'll make a killing at camp. yeah, you're right my Liegess, she'll make a fine specimen, she'll be fine in our arms, the only ones who understand her. hell, she was going at it all wrong during her short time in the Living World. she was seeing ghosts when we witches were right in front of her eyes the whole time! she didn't wear cheetah-print, she WAS cheetah-print. you know this place is a very spiritual desert, reminds me of Colorado Springs. i've been having problems cooking my European circle bacon. i use our plates to cook two filets for 4 minutes and the damn thing is so damn hot and i burn my spellcasting fingers! there's gotta be a better way!

Gladyce: use the natural sand in this desert, dear, shape and fire your sand dish here. see? it's nice and cool in the desert...…...also, we really need to get new plates, those stone plates we have leftovered from the wedding/funeral conduct too much heat!

at LUSH Madame Pons checks out Buff City Soap. online.

Sue Su walks in the store dinging the bell. she is smiling for the first time in a long time and wears a silver band around her head counting digital numbers.

they hug and embrace tight.

Pons: so glad to have you out and about on campus again, dear! outside, what a concept! of all my girls you're like a daughter to me. i know, i'm the young cool mom. i'm young but i'm desperate to be a mother. you'll never get over what happened to you, but perhaps you can move on.

Sue: i don't want to talk about it, i have a new venture which will bring me out in the open again. see? got my Instagram channel up. a couple more followers and i'll have enough money to buy a video-game chair! i can start playing video games but i need to go to the gym every day for 8 hours instead of classes so i can build up the phatness of my butt, need to get it nice and big so i can fit into the new chair.

Pons: okay, hon, just be careful, i'll be watching. you know maybe I need to get into the digital game. anyone out there looking for a naturopathic life coach?

Sue: *laughing* u know i followed your pink crystals. they'll bring me love someday i know it, it'll be one of my followers, you'll see. i am using your crystals in a special way...on my body.

Pons: yeah you young folk use Instagram nowadays to find your mate, right? perhaps....nah...

Marianne joins the podcast later in the evening. she takes food in with her inside the studio---which is a big no-no but Eye lets it slide---Marianne takes out a brandy muffin and ladyfinger from her brown bag and begins eating right next to the microphone.

Eye: never knew this was a mukbang but nice. just means more followers. what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh, about how Lily Tomlin was ripe and primed to play the part in 9 to 5 cos she was already adept at answering a telephone.

Eye: Conversations With God, go.

Dirg: have you ever smelled those books at a bookstore? they had the most lovely covers, like they were made of velvet or something.

Eye: i got them for Christmas one year. all three all cute tied in a red-ribbon bundle. on flash-drive.

Laertus: okay THIS film. THIS fucking film. blew my mind! and i'm not talking about the New Age spirituality stuff in it, that's old hat---literally---Neale's jumbled together old ancient shamanism and old-world logbooks and Hindu prereligions and Norse burial rituals to form his new mishmash philosophy, a philosophy which saved my life when i quit college the first time and slept on my stomach in my empty room back home with my parents for nine months conceiving the baby of i didn't like Marilyn Manson anymore, i couldn't like Marilyn Manson anymore if i was gonna have a healthy life.

Eye: we need to talk about that on our first date...

Laertus: no i'm talking about how this movie---which is essentially an infomercial for Neale's branch of book-series divinity---is actually a damn good movie! it really works! it has everything a good move has: pathos, humor, sexual frustration, and a guy in a neck brace walking everywhere!

Dirg: dude, i heard about the neck-brace thing, but when i actually see it, i mean that shit was funny as hell! he should have just worn that neck brace the whole movie even years later...just cos there's something about a dude with a Grizzly Adams beard and a neck brace walking around '90s Portland going on buses bus-hopping and the mountains in the background and that shit is fucking hilarious.

Marianne: sometimes i tell Neale to put the neck brace back on when he's with me...

Dirg: no but seriously, this really is a hero's tale, a Bildungsroman, coming-of-age, Campbellian Hero quest from start to finish, it shows the whole journey from being literally homeless to being an Amazon star---old-skool Amazon---and it's very well done, the script is full of crisp knowing writing. let's start with the love interest, that bitch was hot as hell, unfortunately she's just some Portland Shakespearean local theatre player actor who will never break out, she does Twelfth Night every night in Portland instead of being the Bond Girl to Black James Bond. but man, talk about taboo Iranian spiciness!

Laertus: didn't you really feel it when Neale thought after he achieved a modicum of success, got back on his feet like everyone does, by becoming a disc jockey---right, Rachel Maddow?---and then he finally thinks this babe has got to be his manna-from-heaven reward for pulling himself up by the bootstraps and not being homeless anymore, and of course Rear Window-style he sees the babe kissing on another handsome hunky soap-opera actor man---local---in the parking lot.

Dirg: and he's like, i'm sharing pizza with my homeless buddies instead, i...still like my life...yeah, that's it. what was up with Theo Huxtable as the gang leader of the homelesses at that park? like, bro, he's getting a little too comfortable in his role as park dictator. my man is too comfortable being homeless. aren't they all for social progress?

Laertus: are you talking about the brothas again? your homies? stop it. to his credit, Neale never did drugs or drunk. maybe he should have, at least for the neck pain.

Dirg: and there's always the blonde chick in beads in the trailer park cabin who's the leftover hippie all the homeless want to bang.

Eye: and the Vegas homeless tunnel-dwellers. i clicked on her porn vids so many times.

Dirg: and the bus-station girl. come on, World, Universe, America, let the old man have some fun. he makes an awkward pass at her at the bus station and she tells him, "don't get weird on me, Neale."

Laertus: he should have been like, "you haven't seen weird yet, wait till i come up with my own personal religion." guys, the age-gap thing, and you go straight in on the i-want-to-marry-you cos i'm desperate and don't have much time left and i know you from our seven bus trips cos seven is a spiritual number number. that never works, right?

Eye: pre-book deal? nah.

Dirg: he wanted to have the busstop chick's babies. she thought they were just exchanging jokes for stand-up material, but he was serious. i wish she asked him about his kids.

Laertus: Neale, don't throw the coffee at the empty window, that's no good, that's just a waste of good coffee. save your throw, throw the burger you found in the trash at that arrogant punk white-nationalist waiter.

Dirg: when Neale's doing his show, it was like a Vegas magic act, like i'm watching old '90s X Files.

Laertus: why does there always gotta be one heckler in the crowd? Neale is helpful enough to give away all the secrets, making hard complicated life easy and understandable, and the bald crowd bro in the middle-row doesn't appreciate him? that guy's a crisis actor.

Dirg: why is the voice of God some straight white Protestant man? wouldn't it be more realistic if the voice of God was a Chinese woman?

Laertus: oh god this took me back. to yellowpads. remember yellowpads? everyone wrote on yellowpads, not just lawyers. and the scene at the seaside restaurant with the publisher and the agent, they are squabbling over whether a book is worth 1 million dollars or 100 million dollars. don't they know that soon books will be worth nothing?

Dirg: okay, and here comes the moment of truth, that very awkward scene at the Amazon Borders when the woman whose son has been killed in the drunk car accident confronts Neale and tells him God is bullshit.

Neale: what they didn't show was that i peed my pants during that in real life.

Eye: remember when Borders had that huge airy New Age Spirituality book section? always next to the brown waterfall fountain. all the soccer moms raced to that section when they dropped off the kids at the music section where you could buy a whole bundle of 10 present-day death metal albums for a dollar. sigh, i miss Borders. i miss their carpet. i need my Borders back.

Dirg: so how'd you come up with that answer that the son died early to not cause his mother more pain? you pulled that one out of your ass-penis.

Neale: made that shit up. on the spot as i went along, like Scientology. i mean it came to me. in my pants. thank god it worked. or goddess or whatever. i remember seeing James Redfield on Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher. they never asked me on that show. James tells Bill there are many bibles. James is still pissed off that his billion-seller book was a box-office bomb, he still can't explain it, his New Age can't explain that, no matter which Age circle ring era it is now, the Ninth? *hahahahaha* Celestine made me celibate.

Laertus: weren't you accused of plagiarism?

Neale: no i just forgot.

Laertus: and the final scene. so symbolic. the two Neales, talking to each other, the homeless Neale and the now business-suit-successful-man Neale, successful spiritualist swimming in knockers and pixie dust. the two paths that could have been...one did...merging...shaking hands with each other...walking and talking with each other, learning from one another.

Neale: no actually that was meant to show that there are in fact two of me and i am the clone.

Dirg: admit it, Lowkey Santa, your gonzo bonzo religion is basically the dude who couldn't fuck the babe at the radio station so he invents this thing to make him feel better to lick his wounds. that's what all religions are. and where the hell were all your kids this whole time you were struggling?!! you were always constantly alone with your demons! no help! be straight with us: are you in fact crazy? you hear the voice of God.

Neale: hey i'm but a vessel. a medium, get it? that's my choker size. take it or leave it. i choose to take it. the space vessel that is, Planet Earth will be uninhabitable soon.

Eye: thank you for coming. in. where are you staying at now, Neale?

Neale: i live on the eye of Hurricane Dorian. in a beach bungalow on the entire state of Florida. and the entire Gulf of Mexico. i'm real, i'm not a picture. i feel gray, it's not just my beard. don't worry, i fitted my garage door with a bracing kit.

Marianne: Neale hates it when i force myself into his mind and force him to role-play Kenny Rogers in bed...the sheets are all stained chicken-roasters in the morning...

Laertus: *later in the evening* are you sure about this? why are we buying guns?

Dirg: for the game, numbnuts, they're not real! we need it for the video game. i feel empty...like when a great life-changing spiritualist leaves the studio.

Laertus: yeah but i feel uncomfortable buying a Nerf gun now. at Walmart no less. can't even hold it. put it back on the rack!

Dirg: hold your jock instead. hold my jock instead, you can see it.

Laertus: you okay?

Dirg: not really. all the Jack In The Box. you know it seems like a rad concept, but actually eating a fastfood burger EVERY night fucks up your stomach. it's all rumbling inside me down there, the mass ball of fat and grease, i want to vomit it all out but my stomach is conspiring against me to keep it in.

Eye: are you still cutting off your own supply of Mountain Dew? self-enforcement, that's always the addict's cry. and crime.

Dirg: i'm not a cutter, that's weak and lame. it's just not the same playing video games with red Coke Classic. you see the giant green cases of Mountain Dew at Walmart and they're all video-game characters on the covers. you simply have to gamer with Mountain Dew. it's alright, i'll just never wash my hands again.

Laertus: so are we doing this or what. are we dancing? are we Dance Dance-ing?

Dirg: i can't move.

TMIT: EVERYTHING PAPER TOUCHES...

1. any sport, any athlete, who would you want to practice with?

Bill Tilden. he could be the spitfire revolutionary we need now in tennis in 2019, opening up more avenues for openly gay athletes, openly gay male tennis players. it's no big deal for the women---it's even expected in tennis---so why not the men? we've got to get past these hangups we have as a society, people, learn to be more European.

JJ Watt. it'd go down something like this:

me: JJ Watt, you ready to face the person who has dedicated their life to taking you down? ready to meet your rival?

JJ: let's do this!

Caroline Wozniacki steps onto the field.

JJ: come on, that's not fair.

a champion cornholer from ESPN Ocho. i would need him to help me make corn, Garrison Keillor is at my barn door constantly knocking at all ungodly hours asking me to help rehabilitate his local-theatre career.

2. list the top 3 pieces of lingerie you like to see on a woman:

kinbaku: i get so mesmerized by the intricate patterns of the rope dress i forget that it's supposed to be sexy, i just see it as geometric.

babydol tennis dresses, let's bring those back, Genie Bouchard needs to kickstart her career again

Victor's Secret?: he lost the key to the boudoir, that's what started this whole mess

3. do you pick up on subtle hints? what?

4. are you seriously expecting an honest reply to "does this make me look fat"?

yes i am. in my case i'll know you're lying to me instantly cos i'm skinny as a rail. not the best foundation to build a teetering starter relationship on. admittedly this was a tough test, we were both actors and i was wearing a fatsuit at the time for a part…

5. how offended would you be if someone called your eyebrows ugly?

very, especially considering those are my eyes not my eyebrows! my eyes are up here, buster! i slept for 2 seconds last night. literally. i aced my college essay but i picked the wrong building. the test was oral, right? i'm good at oral. in my Genetics class, my prof ordered me to provide proof from my Ancestry.com that i was who i said i was. my reply: Maybelline.

BONUS: is there ever a good time to send a dick pic?

Richard Matheson, Richard Milhous Nixon, and Burton, that's it, that's the list.

Richard Burton lived at a time when you could call a man a dick with no consequence. it was a nobler, gentler time.

and Chamberlain, i like my Catholic priests to fuck.

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

SQUIRREL GIRL, THE OTHER ONE

once upon a time, in an ancient magical park called Manhattanhenge, a young woman was sitting down on a bench. her back was killing her---she had just come from her strenuous yoga class performed outside in the sweltering heat for some reason---and just wanted a nice quiet cool spot to relax and unwind and stretch her back out for a few hours. more than anything else, she needed peace and quiet. or the therapy wouldn't stick.

this woman was surprised that nobody else seemed to be at the park.

woman: is it the recession? that old men have given up on chess and just focus now on checkers to lure in their girlfriends 30 years their juniors? nobody goes to the park anymore, the minute you try to fly a box kite it catches on fire in the atmosphere. Noah has stopped building in this heat.

a couple of squirrels approach, then a whole army.

woman: LOOK OUT, PEANUT BUTTER FALCON!!!

squirrels: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

woman: just kidding. peanut butter?

squirrels: no, peanuts, ma'am. wait, you have Peanut Butter Kit Kat? we feel there should have been Peanut Butter Kit Kats by now.

woman: here you go, here are some peanuts. why do you like peanuts so much?

squirrels: we want to go to the Little League World Series.

woman: aw that's cute, you want to run around on that field and distract the Other Team.

squirrels: no, we all want to be professional baseball players, that's why we love peanuts so much.

Squirrel Man bringing a bouquet of grapes accosts the poor woman forcefully and romantically.

Squirrel Man: this is not a romance scam. is that my heart taking a tumble in my chest or is it the stock market?

woman: hold up, do i look like a moose to you? how rude!

Squirrel Man: your face and body are fine, i'm more in it for the personality.

woman: will Chris Hayes finally wear pants tonight?

Squirrel Man: i only care about head.

woman: i get it. this was bound to happen. i have one of those faces that attracts the basement freaks. okay, so which furry convention did you crawl out of? the Seattle one? the first one? the Lisa Ling one?

Squirrel Man: furry? the only thing that gets furry on my body is my perineum when i don't wipe properly.

woman: so you're a racist, you think i'll only go for guys who are brown?

Squirrel Man: the animal kingdom doesn't recognize race. we could learn a lot from them.

woman: where are you taking me on our first date? let's go to Wendy's, motherfucker, spicy nugs are back!

Squirrel Man: you are very cruel to us. when you said nugs we thought you said nuts. we can't eat spicy foods. the last time our race ate spicy nugs we all became flying squirrels.

woman: ...and the Baconator.

Squirrel Man: stop eating meat! you're killing the planet!

woman: happy weekend, baby.

Squirrel Man: happy weekend, baby.

the woman goes to remove the squirrel head. but that's his real head...

Squirrel Man: OUCH!

woman: fuck me, it's like the Santa Claus beard thing. what are you?

Squirrel Man: Squirrel Man.

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE

BOXED: THE LIFE

Ghislaine Maxwell lowers her head into her white paper bag as the photogs descend and converge onto her back like flashing vultures.

Emma from Jeopardy: you're a bad woman!

Sinphony and Velvetta give her the Italian freda curse sign with their python-head fingers.

Chris Cuomo: i mean the word is Fredo. it's really not so big a deal. like friendo. or Fredo Rogers.

Sinphony: you will pay a million lifetimes in Hell! believe me i know Hell!

Velvetta: how could you have associated yourself with Codrus like that!?

Ghislaine: *meekly* hey i just partied with the guy. the reports of my ballbusting have been greatly exaggerated. i had no idea. i thought those were hair appointments. okay nail appointments. but not that kind of nails. have you tried the hot cocoa here? it's wonderful.

Vanity Fair blonde in a British/Australian accent: when we come to In N Out Burger, we expect coffee! and tawk! and spilling of guts! not onto the burger! that's not the secret wild-style Californian salad-pink sauce!

President Bump: i am The Son of Codrus, why don't you ask him yourself.

Emma: Ghislaine, such a lilting gaelic magical-fairy name! for such an old ogre-tree of a witch! an evil witch! one who belongs in gaol! it's one thing to be a pimp, but to be a pimpess?! for shame!

Ghislaine: okay get this girl a Maxwell coffee, something's wrong with her throat. i mean seriously, what is UP with your voice? it's the strangest voice i've ever heard in any living being of existence, including flowers. it's like a medical condition but you claim you're normal. it's like those girls who baby-voice to get laid and then forget how to speak normally again. it's like you swallowed battery acid. it's like your tongue is trolling you. your voice is slightly demonic in a sweet way. what i'm saying is YOU SOUND LIKE A REAL TREE SPRITE.

Emma: what i'm saying, madam, is I SHOULD HAVE THE NAME GHISLAINE!!! I EARNED IT!!! yes, hello, one Sprite, please.

at Obec College University, the Professor grows impatient with Dirg's raised hand:

Professor: go ahead, you mongrel.

Dirg: see that In N Out picture? that's deepfake.

at the Cave, President Bump is building a coalition:

Putin: where is this cave located again?

Bump: Greenland. which should be called Denmarkland. it's nice and cool in this cave, right? away from the heat. you know what is the leading factor of young white boys going crazy? the stifling heat of summer. people go crazy in the heat. it's not thinking ideas, it's the sun giving us too many video games and the sun is mental health. imma install a jacuzzi on the Cream House front lawn with just cold air-bubble jets. and a pelican. penguin. standee.

Putin: and there's nothing to do in summer vacation, boys get in a lot of trouble. and your best friend gets shipped off to a labor camp which messes you up for life.

Llywarch: what the fuck Putin. what was with that lawyerly Instagram notification?

Putin: hey that wasn't me. Instagram owns all the photos from everyone in the world, we use them purely for research not invasion, for our imminent invasion. all the countries. as the smart people liberal-elite college-prep college people know that was just an Instagram hoax we put out there to have some fun, to break the Greenland ice.

Bump: it's an old canard.

Putin smiles deceptively deviously.

Putin: the real hoax...is that it's not a hoax...

Linzess woman: are you crazy cos the Denmark woman who turned down your indecent-proposal proposition is a woman? cos she's a woman.

Bump: no it has nothing to do with that, not at all. what do you take me for? a man? my only concern is that she's not a golfer, you know? me and Tiger, we're different, only certain people can understand us. it takes a golfer to know a golfer. Greenland is full of golf greens. and it's the perfect crucial pivotal place spot to launch my Green New Deal.

Putin: you know Greenland is mostly ice, right? it's fertile ground to grow maraschino cherries. and for cutting black holes with saws.

Bump: that was my favorite cartoon.

Linzess woman: you know Greenland isn't as big as it looks like on globes, right? it's more the size of New Jersey, just ask Maria LaRosa.

Bump: no, she turned me down. yeah true, all globes are globalist fake news, should be flat maps.

Linzess woman: but not Mercator maps.

Bump: look, to show i have no hard feelings for this nasty woman, i'll call her right now.

a black hand in a black arm in a black suit answers the phone on the other end.

Janet Jackson: yes, you're speaking to the Queen of Greenland. yes i know you can see my smile through the phone. Greenland is autonomous you know.

Bump: yes, like i want America to be, autocratic i mean autonomous.

Laertus gets up out of his seat to address the auditorium:

Laertus: do i need to start over? the world is cracking and this ain't no earthquake. all the good souls have left us. all the good celebrities are dead. all the good rock stars went bye bye. all the reactionary writers are reading requiescat in pace recessionals. black writers weren't black enough or too real and were shunned from their communities. whom do we turn to now? why i was taken affright aback just this morning when i saw Tom Morello in a red hat...till i saw the words MAKE AMERICA RAGE AGAIN on the lip. who is our moral compass? who can speak the revolutionary words which will return us to normalcy?

Professor: ladies and gentlemen, our guest speaker for the evening, Ms. Marianne Williamson.

polite smattering applause.

Marianne: thank you, i love college campuses, education is not brainwashing. i don't have a college degree so i'm more "of the people", i'm real, i'm one of you. i'm here to provide you an alternative. alternative medicine.

Russell Brand in the audience: *hooping and hollering, hair flitting around everywhere* you go, babe! WHOOO!!!

Marianne: *red-faced* shit, now i'm off-track. set. fuck. thanks, babe. damn. what was i talking about again? the game? this ain't no game. this is about depression, the one disease mankind has never cured.

Tyzik: depression means different things to different people. so now i will coalition all these into the true definition. please, attack me where i'm wrong, woman. depression is like when you get up at 5AM at the crack cos you need to catch a flight. your internal clock is off the rest of the day. you're just always tired no matter what you do. you're just not quite right, off by a few centimeters. your body clock is screwed on at a slight angle, you can see the light at the end of the runway offing, but you can't quite reach it. you wish you felt sad, because what you really feel is nothing. there's a numbing, a deadening inside you. so what do you do? you go to sleep early the next night, right? to regain and recoup what you've missed. except no matter how much sleep you get, you can't quite ever get "back to normal" when it comes to your sleep, your feelings, and your life. it's like there's this chunk of time in the ether, this chunk of clouds you'll never get back.

Marianne: exactly. in my case, i slept too much. why? cos i didn't have a boyfriend to wake up next to in silk sheets like Brandy. we drink brandy under the covers that's our little inside joke. i had nothing to live for.

Marianne's daughter in the audience wearing bermuda shorts: thanks, mom.

Marianne: but now i do: running for Woman President.

Russell Brand: *slumping back in his seat and pouting with those big lips of his* thanks, mom.

Marianne: i'll bottom-line it for you like i do at my yoga retreats in Colorado Hot Springs: don't pierce your body with any needle unless it's a tattoo or henna needle. don't sniff up anything into your nose unless it's the fresh air of Nature outside. we'll see you soon, we're gonna be okay, folks, i can feel it...…...tho admittedly this Higher Consciousness is taking Its sweet time breaking...

Emma: miss, can you show me how to modulate my voice? i want to still sound weird like you but not THAT weird.

Eye Lugage: while we have you, ma'am, let's do commercial roundup.

Professor: wait you have your podcast setup right here on your desk in the auditorium? where there are just seats and my desk? no wonder my scantrons are buggy and my slide-projector has been haywire and i can't hear myself think nor project lo these many months.

Eye: what did you think of the Coors commercial, heroine?

Marianne: LOVE IT. that's a woman! taking off her bra like that under her blouse after a hard day's work and journey into night! i am so glad and impressed Coors actually SHOWED that! you don't see Elaine Benes doing such things on commercial tv.

Dirg: thought it was disgusting, cover up woman, have some decency.

Marianne: thought it tit? this is what real women do. when i become President, i'm gonna take my bra off at every press conference, that'll make the press corps ease and they'll ask more breezy questions. picture everyone in the audience not wearing a bra.

Eye: tennis roundup. Mr. Fed.

Federer gets up to no applause. nobody has noticed him.

Federer: not the FBI, this isn't an ICE raid, hehe...…...*looks at notes* that was menat to be the ice-breaker. anyway, i don't want to talk about it. i want to TAKL it. it's not TACKLE, it's TALK weird. no more Wimbledon for me, okay? i hate that tournament. so now we have the Bronx Open, a New York tennis tournament that's not the U.S. Open. why?

Dirg: women. Carlos Ramos won't be doing Serena's matches anymore, that's sexist.

Fed: and that's it for me, folks, those were the jokes. i'm out of material.

at the Ansonia Hotel in New York to watch the Bronx Open, the crones are settling in:

Gladyce: can you believe all this glitz and glamor and ridged waffled-French-toast-flat-pancake Greek marble architecture that comes solely from Happy Days money?

Doryce: look at this spread, honey! i mean our palatial room not my spread legs. i'm so glad Fuerza lifted the ban on us! did you see her this afternoon!?

Gladyce: sure did. she made bocce fun again by dancing on the bowling lane!

Doryce: and putting all the bocce balls in her mouth, that's my kind of god! laughing is praying. want some ice cream? it's too hot to play tennis!

Gladyce goes for the drawer and rips it open at the seams.

Gladyce: oh dear. i don't seem to know my own strength. it landed on my head and i didn't even feel it. either i am stronger than i realized or i'm hiding the fact psychologically that i don't much like myself.

Doryce: it's alright, babe. just put some clear tape on the cabinet drawer to let the Mexicans know not to bother with it. don't fuck wit it. now we have a dilemma. i was gonna make the soup for us but the soup mix is behind where the drawer is. can't reach it. gotta wait for a man to come and fix the drawer.

Gladyce: right...…...so how's Bama these days?

Doryce: see, men are good for society. now we can't eat so we'll get skinnier from this.

Eye: 9 to 5, go.

Laertus: you mean the film that made Dolly Parton a star?

Dirg: her tits ayway. and made Sheena Easton irrelevant. pity, any song about a train is bound to be good.

Laertus: can we dispense with the Jane Fonda hate at the plate and concede she's a damn good actress?

Eye: up to bat, yes.

Dirg: Peter Fonda got the shaft. he was a more talented actor but she stole all his parts. and you know what twitter does to people...

Eye: this was originally meant to be a serious examination of the women's lib movement, not a comedy. or a black comedy.

Dirg: would have been funnier. black-latex comedy. Dabney Coleman, what a raw deal. that's gotta be the hardest part any actor has ever played. he is essentially the Symbol Of All Men.

Laertus: Dabney? what kind of name is that? not more uncool white guys tryna get down with the brothas, i can't take it anymore. i gotta admit, not having seen the film but hearing of it, i was NOT prepared for when it does the crazy 180 and goes down the rabbit hole into those animated and acid-fueled dream sequences! i mean Bakshi is rolling in his grave!

Dirg: MD-fueled. animated rabbit hole, still waiting for the Uncle Wiggily show. Ralph should have done those sequences, he was born for them! that'll show Disney i mean Star Wars. fractured fairy tales i believe they call them.

Eye: except Dolly should have been the one with the gun in the horror sequence. i love when Dolly is the HBIC in the next sequence, turning the tables on the boss, except she should have dragged him by the cock.

Dirg: and drug him with her lady drugs. you just love her tits. i'll never drink coffee again, how would you ever know if it's sugar or rat poison? everything's white. i have a lot of female enemies. is it true that they were gonna put Sweet N Low on the box but the sponsor backed out at the last minute? typical.

Eye: they were gonna put Roundup on the other box. there are only two things which come in yellow boxes: sugar and rat poison. RAT poison, get it?

Dirg: just proves women can't drive. and there's an inherent Geraldo bias with that Jimmy Hoffa comment. ladies, come to me next time, i know how to dispose of a dead body. and that's very unrealistic for the '70s: the teenager trying it for the first time would most likely get the marijuana from his mom, if Weeds has taught us anything. Weeds should have been on Wednesdays. none of this would have happened if these women played football in high school. life would be better if men ruled the world.

Laertus: you're the one playing yourself, bro.

Eye: OMG it was so ADORBS when Dolly tells her husband heartedly "it hurts my feelings" in her innocent southern country twang. i've never seen that phrase used in media so genuinely, it's always scoffed at. she can't help it if she's hot and the other ladies are jealous.

Laertus: what's up with Dolly's husband in this? i wanted to know more of his backstory. he doesn't seem to get involved, he's not there punching Dabney in the nose. HE's supposedly the country-music star: sexist. and typical.

Eye: take it from me, i can attest, never work in a factory 1984 open office like that. or for a boss whose office has shag carpeting.

Dirg: i feel sorry for him. he had his window shot out and nothing happened! he had to pay for the doctor in Obama socialized medicine! he was in love with Dolly, genuinely in love with her! a man can't help who he loves! besides, his wife was dumb as rocks. and wore that fur terribly. that Last Shot widening out from the square office building was stolen from Working Girl.

Eye: nah, she was just in it to drain his bank account and take as many trips as she could. smart girl. good girl. and his female spy just REALLY wanted to learn French and took the hard way. remember, there was no French In Action yet, no Mireille for all us dames to gaze at.

Eye: i WILL eat M&Ms from now on cos of this. green ones.

Laertus: i mean the S&M stuff comes as a shock. all the chains and rubber masks and whatnot.

Dirg: none of this would have happened if Dolly simply fucked the man. how did the eating schedule go exactly anyway? how did that work for months? he had 3 opportunities to escape every day, all failed? what kind of bizarre conversations did he have with these women every day? how's the weather? do they play Mouse Trap? he should have just refused to eat and go out the Epstein way.

Eye: i love how the Cowboy Savior Boss is willing to compromise EXCEPT on that pesky messy equal-pay thing, Megan Rapinoe on line one...

Laertus: that guy was The Dude before The Dude. i still have that exact problem with my home printer, can't print a damn thing. honestly i'd rather have it 10 to 6, colder weather is more conducive to good work output. and what was with that weird neon lighting in the daycare center? agent orange shit testing going on there.

Eye: why are the end credits Hot Shots Part Deux? that's all for now, folks, till next time.

the three meet up outside by the glass front door three minutes later.

Eye: next time.

Laertus: you sure about this? we need to be studying.

the three get into the car, the only car in the parking lot, twinkling in the hot night air. Dirg puts on the air conditioning by rolling down all the windows. all three shirts instantly stick to the seat padding.

Dirg: o fuck no! look at this dice! it's so hot all the fuzz has come off! are you kidding me with this schedule? the last two weeks of August are the worst, nothing's happening, nobody's around, you mean to tell me you have to start a new school, new classmates, new levels, you're a foreigner in a foreign land and on top of all that you have to do the introductions in THIS heat!!? sweltering my swag. that all combines into a melting-pot bowl of a recipe for disaster. it just amplifies and cooks the anxiety. this heat is school-shooter weather.

Dirg screeches around four corners and wrecks the neighborhood. not to mention all four tires.

Dirg: i'd slow down but there's no brake on this thing, it's a classic. see? the brake has a bra on it.

Laertus: why are you putting on a Dabney Coleman mustache on your lips with glue? to see better?

Dirg: he's my lamp. but it's a Steve McQueen mustache. look at this baby, huh!?

Eye: i'm staying in the backseat in this long bed here to keep an eye on you two boys in the front. how did anyone give you a license for anything? the insurance must be through the roof.

Dirg: i can make this a sunroof with one swipe of my leather knife. nah, it's already a leather roof and that's cool enough. my old stupid man's. it's dusty green and beige, Pinto, NOT the bean! i stole it from under his big nose, my dad is so dumb, he sleeps at night. Jack In The Box?

Laertus: uh...In N Out...uh...okay, whatever, Jack, you're driving.

Dirg: this is the life we've always dreamed about, right Larry? we're FREE! we're gonna go through the drivethru in this stylish puppy, order a Jumbo Mountain Dew, drive to Fedco---that hill is no problem to drive over---and get the newest raddest video game: Dance Dance Revolution With Guns!

Eye: that Fortnite ripoff?

Laertis: careful, dude, you don't want to upset President Bump who says these video games are the problem.

Dirg: it comes highly recommended from Takahashi, whom i haven't seen in ages.

the Pinto makes a sudden stop not from a bump but from a dead squirrel stuck in the tailpipe. Eye covers Laertus's eyes as Laertus covers Eye's eyes as they both scream but it's muffled by the closed windows as Dirg tries to remove the squirrel with his hand but the poor critter bites Dirg, tells him he's a raccoon and Dirg is racist, leaving Dirg all afright.

Dirg: it's cool, i'm fine. why does it smell worse in here than out there? i got this, i washed my hands with that icky smelly bubbly green toxic soap in the campus bathrooms.

Laertus: bro you know there's no more bathrooms on campus. and YOU personally know why.

Dirg: we'll get our late-night grub from Jack In The Box at 3AM---the only place open at that time---then drive back to my basement for some debasement: meaning we'll continue playing the video game, we'll stay up all night fueled by gallons and gallons of Mountain Dew till the sun comes up and cracks us wide open. buoyed motivated inspired and supported by Mountain Dew. not as a sponsor, Mountain Dew as spirit. MOUNTAIN DEW IS THE REAL HOLY WATER. then we'll repeat this cycle all over again the next day forever. this is living, this is adulting. wasn't it fun to wait in that long line? at Walmart? that's the most exercise we'll ever get!

Laertus: yeah i dunno, bro, i was thinking since you have a car now maybe we'd i dunno go to some parties with girls or something? or hang out with the boys? not be alone.

Dirg: i love the taste of Mountain Dew, it's so cool that drink. it's 7 Up except it contains caffeine, it's the best of both worlds.

when he drives up to the drivethru, Dirg at first is overjoyed.

Dirg: i've been waiting for this for two days!

but then he is dismayed. and angry. and aghast. he thought Mountain Dew would be clear-colored like 7 Up or Sprite but he forgot and instead it's that icky green color of the soap. he can't drink it anymore.

TMIT: PHOENIX: THE MAN AND HIS DREAM

Hollywood, here i cum!

this pic looks like the Thai monastery up in the hills i used for the background of my youtube channel...my youtube channel i say...

it's pilot season. you know what that means. lots of writing. on planes. mostly helicopters. all my best material flies out the window. i need my pilot's license. but there's no time. i need a pilot. preferably Harrison Ford.

i'm gonna make it in Hollywood...or die tryna...to be a rapper...

1. do you write/manage another blog? kinda. along with this blog i have an Instagram which i go crazy on, thank you for the free publicity. i used to think i saved my craziest writing for this blog which is relatively sparse so i can get away with more but soon my Instagram life bled into my blog life here. you know how it goes, you can't really keep the office away from your bedroom for long

2. pick 3 random blogs from your blogroll and tell us why they are on your blogroll:

Julie's cos i love you eternally like a phoenix. well more like a dove.

Cheeky Minx's cos i won't rest until Cheeky Minx is somehow on Instagram, she needs to liven that place up!

Fraulein Senorita: you know why. her last post is the greatest piece of writing i've ever experienced in one post in one sitting

BONUS: Missed Periods, please come back! O Mon Capitan your loyal students are dearth and dying without your breath! motherhood is rewarding i understand but you're gonna have bored days, too!

3. look around your blog, tell us about two pages you want us to visit:

i recently wrote something which is the most important thing i've ever written. seriously. to me and the trajectory of my life and career path. it's the chapter of the story where i write about both the Irish-tragedy tragic figure of Assumpta Fitzgerald from Ballykissangel and the crucially-monumental revelatory decision i made recently NOT to go to the monastery, my reasoning why…

4. do you have any unique interests that you have never shared before? what are they? i wanna become governor. so i can ban all plastic water bottles in my state. i wanna keep California oceans safe for all those underwater-basketweavers out there

5. what's your current obsession? boredom. really. i don't know what to do with myself when i'm bored. thing is, you can't kill boredom, you can only stay it for awhile. no matter the hugeness of the next big project in front of you, one day that project will end and you'll be bored again...

BONUS: has blogging hurt or helped your sex life? i've met all my friends cos of blogging.

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HEY KIDS! IT'S THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY OF WOODSTOCK!

notes:

* we can all agree Harry Styles should have been on Skins.

* or Les Peaux

* Phoenix: speaking French will make you even sexier.
Harry Styles: but i don't wanna. i feel i'm betraying my English roots. the Brexit thing and all.
Phoenix: listen man, Bradley Cooper was just another no-name cipher pretty boy in Hollywood till he started speaking French in interviews…

* Harry: hey kids, look how the light shimmies across the angles of this Old World medieval stone English i mean French castle that dots the Parisian landscape. this is called Manhattanhenge.
French soldier from Monty Python: i spit in your general One direction! through the slit of Manhattanhenge!

* Harry Styles: this is really making me want to sing "Castle On The Hill" for you guys.
entourage: is that one yours?
Harry: sure, i mean we all share songs in the community, there's no originality anymore, we all just steal from John Lennon and swap amongst ourselves waiting for our SNL gig. wait, do i know how to play an instrument? i forgot.

* everything else is a smell, only in France is it an odor.

* mantra from David Bowie from beyond the grave!!!

* Harry: sorry for my jumpy leg, i just got back from skiing the Alps of the Matterhorn ride.

* Harry: hey, this isn't a demonic ritual. there's no such thing as Satanism, we're just young! it's saran wrap, not Satan wrap! the Satanist caregivers/teachers at the elementary school? nothing, all a hoax.
Harry: oh yeah, Prince Harry! we should be friends obviously!
William: it's me.
Harry: damn. oh look, i do play the guitar! the folk hippie guitar. see? we millennials know our history! stop dumping on us in the British rags!

* Harry: this is my mother Ivory. get it? she tells me what to do, but she's an ASMR legend on youtube so...

* Bowie: is there a heaven?
John Lennon: Bowie, where are you?

* flower-child girl: stop pulling my arms! we had to leave the picnic so fast i put on the checkerboard picnic blanket as my dress!

* black kid: come on, man. at least let me replace Zayn.

* entourage: *hands* this is a bottle of Gucci Odor. it's odorless.
Phoenix: *gargling* wait a minute, this is mint mouthwash!
entourage: damn. we were told in our notes you were the cool director who never brushed his teeth.

* Harry: imma do the Party Monster reboot. and the Donnie Darko reboot!
Macaulay Culkin: not fair, dude. just cos i was homeless for a spell they tell me they're NOT doing the Home Alone reboot cos i'm too old for the part!
Macaulay puts Gucci Odor on his cheeks.
Mac: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Jake Gyllenhaal: shade, man, shade. get me back in the shade in a white tropical outhouse next to a palm tree, i'm not done making ASMR philosophical perfume commercials!
girl wearing rabbit head: i'm a bunny. literally. tricks are for kids.

* Cassie from Skins frolicking in the wheatfields : my hair was so blonde on the show it outshone the sun.
Phoenix: what are you chanting?
Cassie: get me the hell outta here!

* Phoenix: next shot. running a train. not what you think.

* Harry: oh come on! JRR Tolkien gets to be naked with the chick!!?
young JRR Tolkien: write a nerd book before you get with the babes. you have to actually be on Skins first, mate! or at least that American Skins on HBO.

* baldheaded chick: we worship Mother Sun. that's why i wear no sunblock on my hair…

* Cassie: hey. i like James Bond as well as the next bloke but the fossil fuels, man. gotta be freer and more spirity.

* Cook from Skins: dykes kissing? check. mudshark-jumping? check. and me in my flower pants.

* blonde: i look like that Painted Bird Russian chick from those Olympic gymnastics games in Ukraine.
entourage bangs. the drums.
The Master: yes? Bowie, what are you doing to me!!?
entourage: we gonna do that thing where we stand naked with our Sun Discs out to protest the Current Administration.

* Harry: so turns out i can't really dance. sorry. i dance like Bono. hey, no waterguns!
entourage: but they're filled with pee.
Harry: oh watersports sex? kay den.

* Harry: memory of my odor...…...i farted...

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happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: steak n eggs at Denny's. you know i've never actually had steak and eggs before. together on the same plate. for breakfast. the ad shows sunny-side-up eggs but does it still count if they're scrambled? speaking of scrambled, i just know Conor McGregor's gonna enter when i do and beat the shit out of me in front of two grandmas for the booth seat.

TMIT: AND NOW BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING

1. do you agree or disagree with the following statement? why?: sex is a difficult topic for partners to discuss, yet sex can draw couples closer together.

true. it can be an icky subject to broach. but you kinda have to if you want to ensure that you're giving your partner the juiciest pleasure possible. take me for instance:

take my wife please. just kidding. so like one day we're having a coffee at the Vanity Fair offices and she tells me she likes it only after i drink a bottle of Ensure first. she has a Jamie Lee Curtis fetish she explains and it makes perfect sense, i have that same fetish. it's these kinds of little things which strengthen our sexual bond. her Ensure is my pineapple on pizza.

all's fair and all that so she asks me. i tell her i like draw. i like the draw of a certain type of brand vape. so that's what we do, she gets me a wooden vaper that catches on fire.

2. who did you first come out to and why did you choose that person? my cat. cos my cat talks and that's fucking awesome. see all cats talk, it's just we humans never think to talk to them. also, cats will only talk when they think our response would be edifiying in some way to catkind which is almost nearly never.

i told my cat i was a sex addict and she scoffed at me and returned to her toy mouse. later, we played catch with the toy mouse. she never lost energy and my arm went out, i threw that mouse so many times in the air it turned into a toy bat...

3. has someone come out to you? what was your reaction? this was a daily occurrence in my Berkeley years. i comforted them and we went out for acai spritzers later at Krazy Klatsch on campus. there we prank-called their parents and that always made them feel better.

4. recent studies have shown that smartphones are causing decreased intimacy amongst partners. in your relationship is the smartphone a saboteur or helping hand?

i don't have a smartphone. at the Apple Store the Genius was on my (phone) case urging me to get the one with the phone included but i figured no one has ever called me my entire life so i just needed the ipad. mini.

my ipad mini allows me the helping hand i need for my hand to masturbate. and one time it came out to me by jumping out of the screen with a rapier and handlebar mustache and a Three Musketeers tricorn hat with flowing feather and buckle.

5. tell us something you do that could cause someone to say, "what will the neighbors think?":

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6. what was your most recent motivation for masturbation? meditation

BONUS: do you regularly view porn? what's regular?

you know those ipad-mini news alerts that come on your phone? well for me i get an alert whenever there's a new porn on the internet.

i miss Regular Show. how is it that there was a Steven Universe/Uncle Grandpa crossover but there was never a Regular Show/Adventure Time crossover?

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