LARS VON TRIER DESIGNS THE BEST GOLFCOURSES

learned:

* it's true. that golf course in Melancholia remains the most mysterious and entrancing plot of land in cinema history. imagine using your putter to bomb a ball 300 feet and then when you go to celebrate you get stuck in a sandtrap which is really a quicksandtrap. that's what it feels like, that's what it's like, moody 3-holes and galactic 5-holes. always play golf at night. let it swallow you with its long stretches of night. not miniature golf, golf. i'm tempted to watch the masterpiece again but i'm afraid i will binge on nothing else the rest of my days. still say, pound-for-pound, edge-to-edge, best movie ever thought up.

* yeah so for last week we decided not to go with the Winona Ryder high-fashion commercial...

* i always liked Hilary Duff's big sister better. she seems somehow cooler, nicer, friendlier, less Hollwood and more Texas.

* also, this is my way of experiencing that Fault In Our Stars phenomena years after the fact. youtube personalities confound me. i was too busy with my nose to the grindstone of a book by the original Bard.

* mazda. zoom zoom. Joe Mazda.

* i feel for millennials. they can't win. if they try they're tryhards. if they laze about they're whiners.

* pink girl: i'm in a wheelchair and i'm a better dancer than you. your haircut is too Army, get yourself a Coast Guard haircut.

* woman pumping herself up in mirror: i'm gonna be the first female kickboxer to kick Conor McGregor's ass. that boy needs to get a lesson stuffed in him.

* flee that nest. things Big Bird would say.

* Llewellyn Sinclair: why you crying?
man who looks like Jesus: preparing for my big part in the sequel to The Last Temptation of Christ.

* man: that was a great big smoochable kiss, i can still taste it.
woman: you're welcome.
man: can you still like my facebook tho?
woman: good bye.
man: we're up 10 stories.
woman: our story is over. i can make the jump.
man: btw i broke my toes on the stairs climbing up here. you're too rough with your hand-dragging.

* drummer boy: am i drumming? am i doing it? is it loud and outrageous and rock n roll? am i Bonham? i have these sick heavy headphones on i can't hear a thing!

* this will be my last selfie. before i get eaten by the largest creature who will ever live in the universe. i went out Pinocchio-style. it was worth it. i'm getting mad hits on my Instagram. even tho i'm dead

* stargazer B: the stars are out tonight! look at those two collide! what's your wish?
stargazer A: those weren't shooting stars. that was the Russian Invincible hitting the North Korean missile. as a favor for and to demonstrate to the U.S.. my wish is that the planet survives a couple more years.

* Japanese sensei: i carved this entire car out of almond butter.

* this Mazda is so magical it will make you a snaking lane completely clear of traffic all for you, while everyone else toils in the back of the standstill freeway. you can speed up to clip the edges as you go 150mph on this barren lush green rocky landscape!

* janitor with grey goatee: hey, clean up the sweat of the locker room! the heroes of our school are hard at work wrestling for glory! you shuffling your socked feet on the greasy floor ain't gonna cut it.
janitor's son: did you say herpes? i agree wth that. i hope all these jocks fail.
janitor with grey goatee: these jocks pay for your McDonalds every night.
janitor's son: I SHALL DANCE!!!

* HANDS UP. still applies when you're on a deserted mountaintop.

* Conor McGregor: you impressed? impressed enough to bellend?
blonde: i dunno. i like crazy. crazy can be hot. but you're a little too crazy.
Conor: i don't know my own pushing strength.
blonde: i'm not really a blonde...

* fly like an eagle. hear that, Rory? eagles. there are no such things as good bogeys.

* is it actually possible to feel dead?

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IT'S M83 THO, CLICK HERE

happy weekend, my babies. there. right here. that pic up there. THAT is why i'm rooting for Rory this weekend. full-throated and without design. i want the lad to win. i want that G Slam for him. sponsored by Gatorade. cos he's never forgotten the collapse---both of his Masters and his wedding---these things linger on after you go to sleep. he's gotten slammed in the media, slammed on twitter, and not slammed the way he'd like in bed. this isn't about getting back even with Caroline, number of Slams since-wise. Sour Caroline or any of the tawdry headlines in the Brit press. it's about getting back with Caroline. if he wins this Masters, he's got a feather in his cap to show her when he knocks on her door late at night. they are the OTP. he should have never broken up with her, that was one of the wettest cases of cold feet ever recorded on earth. they were meant to be together, his current wife is a standin. and Rory can definitely take David Lee.......................after a few pubhops.

TMIT: LAST NIGHT'S SEX WAS HOTTER THAN A 16 BEATING A 1

learned:

1. would you rather be the smartest or hottest man/woman in the room? you need to be smart in order to determine who is the hottest. you need a measure stick with a hook to hook away the uglies. remember, lie the ruler flat against the face. the hottest person is the one who has the most symmetrical distance between the eyes...

2. do you get aroused by hearing the sexual moans and noises of ohers having sex eg neighbors or people next door in hotel rooms? at first:

CLICK HERE

that's my headcanon. it's intoxicating and seductive and prurient and informing. the thin walls of the motel are perfect acoustics for the continuing slapping of skin upon skin. but then it gets annoying. it's too noisy. i need a quiet environment to read my Gideon bible. and then i get jealous. the atmosphere becomes toxic. the couple is right there next to me on the bed rubbing my nose in it. Jen Garner with an extra layer of red hair dye and red lipstick for her smile and Captain Obvious wearing only his scruffy beard and captain's peaked cap making love. i'd like to rub my nose in it...

3. what are some small things which make your day better? the fact that i have Gina De Vecchio as my morning weekend weather anchor. starts the weekend off right from the bad mood of the week. there are no small things when it comes to Gina.

4. it's the night before Christmas and you hear footsteps on the roof---what do you do? call the police. in my case in my town i'm the police. so i climb up to the roof and Santa and i have a donut-eating contest. winner gets that last bag of Toys R Us toys.

5. what does your ideal Saturday morning look like? cartoons................well it used to be cartoons......when there were still real network Saturday-morning cartoons...............the latest Beyblade thing on CN doesn't count.

6. what does your ideal Saturday night look like? scrolling Amazon for the latest in deals. i get all my Toys R Us toys on Amazon. do you know who the head of Amazon is? Lex Luthor.

bonus: what is the craziest most outrageous thing you want to achieve? become an actor. a worldwide-famous actor. a global actor. despite the fact that i am scared of people. of all people. as an actor you have to learn to get along with many personality types---dare i say even clash and play with them. play off them, that's part of the deal, or the production is in preproduction forever. this is a problem for me. there are only so many monologues you can recite. eventually i'm gonna have to talk to a person. a stranger even. did i say global? i meant globalist.

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

IT AND STRANGER THINGS USE THE SAME KIDS

learned:

* narrated by that grumpipuss who does A Christmas Story and just wanted a damn leg for Christmas!

* Tucci gang Tucci gang Tucci Tucci gang Tucci gang gang

* Tucci teacher: eyes up here, look at my four-eyes not my tits. learn 'em early, let's make this a Pentagon society not a Penthouse society.

* on the board: Gravity? Does it Really Exist? Was The Apple Story Apocryphal?

* teacher: i called you Ivy not Icy! you misheard. i would never impinge on every student's right to express themselves in class...........even though blue hair dye is against school rules.............hey fat kid! stop eating double-chocolate cookies in class! and take off that Green Bay Packers vest! that's even more egregious than the punk girl! how can you be a punker when you're seven years old?

* you can tell she's gonna be the leader of this ragtag group cos she's the most spoiled.

* you can't fool me, Shadow Organization, that's the same bespectacled girl with the frizzy fro from your last commercial. with the soft-down fuzzy-caterpillar Sesame Street sweater. the one who didn't know what a computer was cos she was a hipster at 7 years old.

* and....................Toph.

* teacher: your assignment should you choose to accept it...........and you have to..........is...........why do i have so many miniature globes on my desk? guys remember, Friday, due Friday, it has to be on Friday, i have my first date Friday night, get 'em in early.

* student: what's this?
another student: a tree.

* narrator: homework.................o homework how i hate you...............i hate your guts............like my ex-wife

* Parminder Nagra: what happened to me? i used to be the cute Indian girl all Indian families' Indian boys were destined to marry and help with the cooking. they said i ruined ER, i was the cause of the show cutting short when it could have coasted for 10 more years. it wasn't me, blame f**king Alexis Bledel who already had her own f**king show!

* Parminder: watermelon, egg. i use those, too.

* FMA Mart! helmed by Winry since 1873!

* wash you away in the same sink i bathe in

* Icy: ready guys?
Toph: i just planted a flag on the moon! the Earth is pear-shaped!
Hipstress: yes it couldn't be cos you're proficient in golf.

* wish a hippo would eat me...............it's not what you think

* Princess: did you just lick the watermelon junk off your screen?
Toph: don't judge me. my parents feed me, but just double-double chocolate-chip cookies.

* want to wrestle a man......................-eating shark

* ET bikes, Halloween theme song, riding in empty tin silver grocery carts wheelieing in the abandoned parking lot, these are things only '80s kids would understand.

* eat spinach and the liver of my enemies

* Toph: i'm gonna run this bike off the cliff like Slash does his axe in the Don't Cry G&R video.

* Icy: don't worry, this mattress needed to go anyway. it must be destroyed and is incapable of being salvaged. it is forever stained with the love of my brother and his girlfriend last night.

* Icy: this proves it. gravity doesn't really exist.
black kid: how much longer do i have to keep strung up and upside-down like this? it puts me in a very uncomfortable and vulnerable position. it reminds me of my favorite tentacle anime.

* garage door opens creepily.
Icy: DAD! no outside light! we were discovering our latent psionic powers in here!
Teacher Tucci: i told you, i'm late for my Friday-night date!

* Toph: quick! i'm swinging! i'll never swing again! take the shot before the rope breaks! *snap*

* team: don't look at the fact that the plastic soda bottle is floating on its own, take note of the fact that we did this as a team. teamwork 100%!

* recreating Trent's blowing jowls from the NIN "Closer" video for later reference. when they get to be Icy's brother's age.

* Toph: guys i'm dizzy................whoa....................i'm really dizzy......................really dizzy...........
Toph lies motionless facedown and doesn't get up.
Icy: his orange parka will become a collector's item. he's no doubt the favorite character on the show.

* Hipstress: GUYS STOP! MY TRAMPOLINE ISN'T WATERPROOF!!!

* Hipstress: enough with the water balloons in my face! where's my Apple Pencil?
black kid: you can't write with it. it needs to be sharpened first.
Hipstress: you ruined my ipad with your water! nothing is coming up! i can't write! black screen!
black kid: hey. you can still write but you need to load waterproof paper into it like a printer.
Hipstress: i see. i can write now. but this is a notebook. a non-electronic notebook.

* Toph: i do the sports. it's a wood tennis racquet but you gotta start somewhere.

* Princess: oh shit. the project was supposed to be on Anti-Gravity?

* Tucci: and now we have Group 3.
Icy: Group Tres, dad, remember we speak only Spanish in here.
black kid: didn't we have six in our group?

* Icy: hey, where'd my blue racing-stripe blazer go?
Tucci: had to borrow it for my date, honey.

* Icy: you okay, Toph?
Toph lies motionless and facedown.

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies. i'm loyal to Loyola. since two weeks ago.

CRONES: GERIATRIC GODDESS (III)

---------------------------------------------------

a gold train pulls up to the station at Halx. by the Secret Pink lake of fire that's a volcanic pool of one of the small mounds encrusting the village.

Jill Wine-Banks: wait we don't have a station! how did you find this place it's not on any nonmagical map!?

Sally Quinn: we don't? i always thought we did.

Kim: i dunno my father showed me. this is a cool train, huh?

Jill: get outta here!

Kim: the trains back home don't run on time like this. that gives me an idea...

Jan Russ is still scolding her stage sprites, rapping their dancing knuckles with her measure stick with the scary-looking ugly bronze hook on the end. her students are petrified which is not conducive to acting, you must let your body go slack and limp and freeflow. a trail of Sprite cans with cigarette butts stuffed inside the various wide silver lips litter the grassy circle of the outdoor performance hall.

Jan: ack. what am i to do? what do you expect of me? how do you expect me to conduct business? i can only work the talent that's recruited for me.

Jill: tell me about it, sister. speaking of, hey Gladyce, what's shakin', bacon? you don't look good without your natural roots, mama.

Gladyce's hair was the same color as Doryce's hair, down to the tone. Gladyce takes off her wreath of branches from her head and tosses the Sword of Saad like a frisbee into the lava, turning the pink lava red again.

Jill: you look sexier as a blonde, love. you're a torrid towhead again!

Doryce: why, dear?

Gladyce: magic belongs in the ground. nature is magic. feeling is human. everything is back to normal. the colors have realigned. i never wanted to trick you, dear Doryce. i love you. yes at first it was another recruiting job, but i fell in love with you from your start. i am way way older than you but you've taught me so much. what is the word beyond friend? beyond best and care and value and soul-companion and identity? you are my link and love and light. i dropped the job long ago. i like my hair ruddy, i did it cos i identify with you now, not my ancient nascent sisters. you're my tribe, my tribe of two.

Jill: who you callin' ancient?

Jan: you realize what you're doing, Glad? it's not about betraying the group. it's about you. what you're giving up. by not working.

Gladyce: i know. it's worth it. hon let's go to the doctor. that's what old people do. they go to the doctor and wait in the waiting room and have scintillating conversations about porridge and preops and postops and prunes.

Doryce: and practitioners. okay, hon. we'll make it. i'll make it for you. despite my bum wheel.

Doryce rolls one foot over the other and drags Gladyce by the leg on one leg.

they make it to the clinic which is hidden by a rock. and a doctor's-office waiting room with two seats and no receptionist/nurse. one puke-green slat bolted to the wall by a war hawk with one magazine, AARP Magazine. they get to today's weather:

Gladyce: sit down, dear. have you heard of cashewgurt? Forager brand.

Doryce: when we get through this, we'll have a cruffin together. and then Pancake Palace after.

Gladyce: oh no, dear, that's too heavy for me i'll be in postop. you can have it, though, i'll watch you eat your pancakes and load up on your daily allowance of starch and we'll recline on our booth and talk about our day and appointments.

Gladyce: it's time, they called for me did you hear it?

Doryce: no.

Doryce drops her magazine.

Gladyce puts herself on the examination table, she lies back and spreads the roll of white paper under herself. she looks at Doryce longingly and the water that had been gushing out of her eyes nonstop turns to her own blood.

Doryce: dear goddess! what can i do, Gladyce?

Gladyce smiles.

Gladyce: you're the one bleeding. you're bleeding love.

Doryce falls down on her friend. she hugs her tighter than she has ever held onto anything in her life before. her toys, her mother's hand, the wheel of her first car, her diploma which unscrolled, her first paycheck which flew out of her two cigarette fingers, Bama's burnt finger, a tree. for she had her own living tree.

Gladyce's blood fills the room. Doryce remembered to close the door. the red smashes and splishes and enters into a funnel up the redbrick chimney. it spews out in dust red ash and columns into the clouds like a volcano angry for a thousand years at not being able to blow. this orgasm is cathartic and the land soons turns green and blue again. the crones barge into the room with their battering-ram wands.

Gladyce: and for heavens sake change the name of this one-broom town. Halx is so obscene. the profanity of "half" and the "x" as if that's any way to describe women! keep it pure and profaneless. i like Hecks.

and so the village was Hecks from then after. the actresses who built the stage built the welcoming sign. they also build on Jan's orders a huge sign over the park area where Doryce and Gladyce now sit on a park bench like the one they claimed in Washington. by a similar lake. the sign reads:

BROOM LAKE NOT GROOM LAKE

Gladyce: what a brisk morning! where do you want to go to lunch?

Doryce rests her head on Gladyce's shoulder. Gladyce strokes Doryce's hair.

Doryce: can we eat at the car wash again? i like sitting down by those potted plants and talking.

Gladyce: there's a car wash here, strangely. but we have no cars.

Doryce: i see all sort of funny transport around here. old men geezers by the geysers on their way out of town sillily pushing those ridiculous bikes with the wheeljack in front as they pedal with their arms. one even looked like Richard Painter.

Gladyce: SAWD, super all-wheel-drive it's called. that Richard Painter's a stud. i love how he talks out of the side of his mouth that's so sexy.

Sally: wait what about the Stones? the Runes of prophecy? where were they? we needed three. there was Wisdom or something and Beauty.

Gladyce: you had the Power one, Sally, which was really Beauty. i had the Wisdom one. they are located in our vaginas. you have yours and i have my Rune lodged into our respective pussies. for safekeeping.

Jill: it wasn't me. i didn't switch em or nothing in each other's gash. but it all worked out. that's what they're there for.

after a few drippings, the two take them out with a sucking sound.

Sally: blessed be! no wonder i've been having a hard time thinking straight for the years after my husband died.

Jan raps Sally's knuckles.

Jan: quit being so mealymouthed! there. it worked.

Jill: yeah quit being so mealymouthed!

Jill sneaks in a soft kiss on the side of Sally's mouth.

Jill: and That Which Will Not Be Named?

Gladyce smiles showing her rotting teeth and hugs Doryce towards her.

Jill: blessed be. we really need to be out more, girls. explore the world. meet new people.

Gladyce: now if you'll excuse me i'd like some time alone with my friend.

Doryce: you seem more clearheaded.

Gladyce: expelling all that blood leaves one lightheaded.

Doryce: what should we do today?

Gladyce: nothing. we're doing it right now.

Doryce: how old are you, Gladyce?

Gladyce: oh i dunno. old. i'm old you're old. we're old.

Doryce: young people are so hard to shop for. i got Bama that Kool-Aid Fruit Punch and he had ants all over his train cabin and he had to expel himself from that train carriage.

Gladyce: you sensed that?

Doryce: i have a connection with him. i can read his mind.

Gladyce: oh i see. i'm jealous. oh Bama. he's gonna make it. you really don't want to be on that train.  this world is for the young people. it's their world now.

Doryce upskirts Gladyce and kisses her on the vagina.

Doryce: now that's something i can't do with Bama! that's something only good friends can do!

...................................

Doryce: Gladyce, dear love, i never want to move from this spot. on the bench on the beach wherever with you. is the lakewater yellow?

Gladyce: golden, dear, golden. think pond.

Doryce shivers up into her shawl and mittens.

Doryce: Gladyce, why can't we live forever? why can't we just stay here, right here, forever?

Gladyce turns to face Doryce.

Gladyce: Doryce, love dear, i will make you a promise right now that i have never promised anyone my entire life. not even to myself. my child, you and i will die together.

CRONES: GERIATRIC GODDESS (II)

______________________________

at Mara Lake Bump is fitting himself inside a wave of the indoor pool strewn with graystone gargoyles with their heads sawed off. he spots Taylor Swift emerging from the pool poolside. she wraps her new curls and new girls and new butt in a company T towel and the moment her pinky toe touches the cold stone of the pool edge roof tiles she is so startled to see Mickey she drops the towel back in the poolwater.

Taylor: look, dude, i just happen to be here when you are, it doesn't mean anything.

Bump: please stay. i brag to the media that i have friends, confidantes i challenge with my new earthshattering ideas but the only soundingboard here are these light-blue shower tiles. i feel comfortable with blondes. i see splashed all across the news this picture of this certain blonde woman with big boobs. she's everywhere. i have to check the scores on my watch to make sure my apple is set to NEWS and not NUDES. sometimes i cross my information and porn feeds.

Katie Ledecky emerges her dunked head from the pool. she's been holding her breath the whole time he's been there waiting for him to leave. she no longer wears a tight swim cap of the red S it's just red. she can allow her head to breathe and let her hair down literally.

Bump: Katie Ledecky? i saw you when i was checking the scores on my apple watch. you quit? wish i could. what are you gonna do now? remain taking classes? you have two more years of eligibility. after the Olympics college is a big mouthbreathing nothingburger. what do college records mean anyway? you've won everything there is to win. you've peaked before you're 30 that's dangerous look at me. you told SVP at ESPN you were gonna pursue professional opportunities? what the hell are professional opportunities for a swimmer? what is that? is there Major League Swimming on ESPN3?

Katie: *demonstrably* no, tv, movies, commercials, cereal, stuff like that, the usual.

Bump: do WWE like Ronda. give my son a call i can fix you right up with Vince. i'll take care of it. excuse yous i gotta call. hello? Stormy? one question, what were you doing in the bathroom that whole time when you were getting ready for me? primping perfect?

Stormy: no, i was on the toilet. what do men do on the can? i was reading a particularly juicy periodical. i was catching up on the chapters i missed from Fire and Fury. a little homework to keep me abreast and know what to watch out for in our encounter. always be prepared isn't that the Boy Scotus motto? gotta go now, Spanky.

Bump: a periodical for your period? nevermind, put Anderson on. Anderson? have you fundamentally changed from bagging both broads for the same interview?

Anderson: no, sir, i love me and you should love me, too, you're the President.

Bump: i think this constitutes talking on the phone with friends. it counts. i'm going outside.

also thinking about going outside are the MSNBC crew, crewing up after late night after late night with no date night.

Brian Williams: i can't take it anymore. all i see is a neverending teleprompter of Day This and Day That. when will this nightmare end? it's like a nighttime soap that you get hooked on that you don't want to get hooked on. i hear the drums in my head. it's forced me to wear handsomeless glasses to serve as a buffer between my ears.

Chris Matthews: i hear ya, pal, i gotta get out of here. we do. we gotta get out of this room, out of this environment, and sip the outside air. i need a long tall swill of Irish breath, the green gamey stuff. it's like i can't escape no matter how far i travel by air. i can't fit anymore. there is always something i don't know. what say we two date? let's go to a concert. wanna see a movie first? how about the Lego Get Out Movie or Fileting Dory?

Brian: did you see Lawrence O'Donnell recently? his very words have spilt out from his mouth and onto the lightboard behind him. i would never want my innermost thoughts revealed and made known and highlighted like that i would die. lesgo to Lego.

Brian spreads out the weave blanket on the grass after the movie is cut short. just enough room for two. Jennifer Hudson is still singing. Chris Matthews dabs his crying eye with a napkin. Bernie Sanders is still wandering the park.

Chris: it's emotional. they just want to not get killed at school. learning is a battlefield. that's a nice pink sweater you're wearing tonight, Brian.

Brian: i like you, man, but not in that way.

Chris: let's go to the kitchen.

Brian: what? like i meant...

Chris: no. my kitchen. my clitchen. my wife threw me out. kicked me right out on my rump. i have a big butt no one sees on tv thank god. i'm a good Catholic boy from Pennsylvania. my missile and stock are genuine. i remind you of your father's smile after aftershaving.

Brian: my wife, too. let's go make a meal together. we're gonna have to learn how.

Bump is on one of the many golf courses he owns. the outing green on the 18th. by the pool. a small cyclone has begun forming waving the hedges to and fro. the hedges too dark to see, as dark-green as the putting surface. the suity spout of the cyclone lips out of the golf hole. Bump bends down to address his ball and tell it he loves it and kiss its many tiny holes when he catches the shadows of two shadow agents.

Bump: Mulder and Scully i presume? shouldn't you two disgraces be behind bars?

Scully: i'm the real Red.

Mulder: just came to serve you your paper. i can electronically give it to you if this weather keeps up. wouldn't want you to lose it.

Bump: i've already lost it.

Mulder: please we wouldn't dream of interrupting your executive time. enjoy, executive. go for the porn price, the porn suite.

Mueller: storytime ain't just yet.

Mueller's voice creeps behind the bushes dividing the A and B course. he is on the other side of the green at the tee of the 1st. the cyclone has formed into a full tornado catching all the raindrops in its mouth.

Bump: Bob? Bob is that you? how's you get on these grounds? you're fired. access denied.

Mueller: i drove myself. in my own car.

Scully: we worry about you, sir. those automatic cars are deadly. have you seen the news? a driverless crushed a poor lady. in the cold barren Arizona night-deserts. we warned about this in our techlash episode you should have been watching.

Bump: it's all over, Bob. Strzok and Page are coming for you. they'll be here any minute. a little bird named Nikki told me so. if they know what's good for her i mean him.

Mueller: don't think so, boss. let's play a round of golf for it. for your presidency.

Bump: finally. i thought nobody would ever ask. what good is golf for anyway but that?

the waterspout has become a half-hurricane sprawling and scrawling overhead blowing both of the main men's hairs but unevenly so.

Bump drops his ball on the edge. of the putting green on his keys in his upper-pantleg. he makes quite the heroic shot from there, putting it in what seems like a hole-in-one after the drop. he goes to remove the flag.

Bump smiles wickedly.

the ball rolls. and rolls into the ho.....................what? the hole is filled. it's frozen solid with ice. the ball slips and slides by.

Mueller: you were proficient in one sport growing up. i was proficient in two. i liked ice hockey, too. i went outside during winter, too.

CRONES: GERIATRIC GODDESS

at the Parade Bernie Sanders combs his hair, takes a breath, and prepares to bumrush the stage. security stops him.

Emma Gonzalez: sorry man, no adults allowed. this is of the kids, for the kids, and most importantly by the kids. it's like an episode of Degrassi, the number-one rule in that bible was never have the problem solved by an adult, the adult couldn't help and was often portayed as goofy, it had to be solved by a teen or group of teens. but thank you your distraction has given me more time to collect my butterflies.

Bernie: i will be a Saunders if it appeals to you British types. wait is this the one in London?

Bernie's hair and paper flutter away.

Emma collects her thoughts silently when suddenly JUST THEN President Bump catches Bernie's paper and proceeds with his own speech. he spends six minutes trying to dislodge the microphone from its holster but that thing is stuck to the podium. strangely there is no reverb when he talks.

Bump: you know this looks more like a March than a Parade. i stand with you today in solidarity. this is your safe space. it's a gun-free zone...

Emma: it's in March, dummy! this ain't no charity, it's real life. my friends are six-feet-under and breathless as we speak. you're standing on them!

Bump: hey i'm all for the March of Dimes i like them they only ask for a dime from me.

the security along the edges is getting restless as they hold the bean shape of the children in. the soldiers wear red blank baseball caps and march to attention at the whispered command of their constitutional leader. they pull out war weapons and the kids go bonkers scurrying around tall plants and running to the hills for cover. the battlefield bleeds green.

soldiers: *in eerie airy voices* hop to. you say march? march!

they take off their sunglasses to reveal pink sunglasses and they aim their high-powered rifles at the President. red dots abound, they turn their scopes off to increase the challenge.

soldiers: hop to, Mr. President. time to leave, no adults allowed.

Bump: *hands up, high so they can see them* okay okay i know when i'm beat. i'm tired. i'm going to Mara where i can have McDonald's in donors' mansions on tablecloths that are one big long napkin in peace. i can talk policy with my friends who are all lined up by the pool with white schmutz on their noses and headjacks on and they're falling inbetween the rubber slats of their long lawn lounge chairs. they're nice and quiet when i ask for advice. they actually listen for long stretches what i have to say. i know when i'm not wanted.

Emma: but do you know when you're not needed?

Bump: i was gonna say i know where i'm not wanted.

soldiers: this is why we have crowd control. and why we are the crowd control.

Bump descends the dais under gunpoint and it takes awhile for the scared crowd to scatter back in. so the organizers declare this the breakfast break. when they return the kids seem reenergized. they've been through multiple traumas. Emma continues with her stagecraft.

she gets up and pushes the button on her phone. she's wearing ripped jeans with white threads at the knee, a shirt with a lime-green Spider-Man on it, and her legs are a little chunky. perfect for what she is about to do. she likes that the camera is gonna focus on her ass for she will not speak for six minutes. the drones are confused as they fly around her butt and silent face.

she stands there, eyes closed, not a word, and from that closed eye a lone tear rolls down her mammoth cheek on the big screen. she is a monument to courage and raw pain. she doesn't need to say anything, her face will be immortalized in protest posters and later in newspapers and finally in stone. she's so cool she doesn't need to raise her fist.

she just walks off the stage. her phone beeps at six minutes and immediately everyone in the crowd uses their phones to snap a pic of Emma's phone cos Emma's phone will instantly become a collector's item.

the first person she hugs backstage is Shepard Fairey.

Shepard: now who you gonna fuck? your motionless face just then is gonna be more famous than Obama's bald head. i'm gonna immortalize you and paint your face in rainbow colors!

Emma: i'm already Mexican so rainbow fits.

Shepard: then who you gonna fuck? your face will be plastered everywhere, on plaster coffee mugs and phone cases!

Emma: i kinda wanted to get with Ariana Grande. i wanted to get up next to her and rub shoulders with her literally but the mob onstage beat me to it. my damn stubby legs couldn't get there fast enough.

Emma's speech, or non-speech testament to the silence of death, inspires and breaks the ice and the rest of the kids have great speeches and the day is a total success.

there's the funny class-clown red-head kid who gets up there and thanks his uncle Myron but not before almost harming the cause with this speech out of the blue. and red and pale singed skin:

Red: not Gerard. i'm not a jock i'm just a student who was minding his business a month ago. teachers need to be armed........................

the kid crowd is confused and sobbing.

Red: ................with fucking books and a decent paycheck so they can feed their kids and not have to strip!

the kid crowd erupts in awkward laughter. the parents are too busy cheering and "i know that's right" nodding they forget to cover their kids' ears.

Emma: nice redheadfake there, my friend.

turns out Red's Uncle Myron was the original actor cast in the role of Ron Weasley but JK thought him too old to play the part though he was quite good and had the chops and the chips. he was 43. they couldn't fatten his face anymore with computers.

a prominent activist with a slow stumble who almost died is learning to live a second life and is noticeable for her walking cane and live frame. a girl with a boy's name, for extra authority.

Sam: i feel so nervous up here. i'm not used to the stage. all i want to do, to know i did a good job, that it was successful, is spill my guts out..........................................well i just spilled my guts out in front of a global tv audience, i barfed so messily and swirly onstage i lost 15 pounds.

Sam vomits onto Bump's shiny new spit shoes.

Sam: i thought you were gone. told to get outta here.

Bump: missed my flight.

Sam: sorry but this is your fault. i ate your frozen steaks which came in my mail last night.

Bump: you're supposed to unfreeze them first. but you ain't got no heat.

Bump tries not to look but can't keep his gaze away. at his shoes.

the March ends by having everyone join single-file in a line and storm the Capitol.

Emma: now this is what it is. no it's not a March, this is a Rally!

the Rally snakes its way like a sally onto the Mall. everyone from every walk of life celebrity and noncelebrity joins in. Emma talks with her fellow celebrities.

there's the girl from that Xfinity ommercial who wants to fuck Torin Yater-Wallace even though she's underage. and walking with her hand-in-hand is Torin Yater-Wallace.

Emma: so how are you enjoying the March For Our Lives? are you having the time of your lives?

Xfinity girl: the Ghana one was better but this was cool, too.

Emma: uh, thanks. so he's your boyfriend as you always wished?

Xfinity: yep. we made love here under the lone star and many moons last night. under the dying elm tree. under Torin's bigass warm sponsor blanket, he's a winter athlete you know.

Emma: take it from me, honey, it doesn't last forever! the Winter Olympics were amazing congratulations Torin.

Torin covers his face with his mask and acts inconspicuous and suspicious.

Xfinity girl: what my boyfriend Torin is trying to say is that he tried to watch the Paralympics, too, afterward, but Xfinity didn't carry it.

Jason from DC All-Access joins the walking line.

Jason: formerly of the job.

Emma: Inman i heard about you! what happened? and why are you here?

Jason: i'm pumping gas again. i have a Mario hat that i wear for work now. but i do it all for the love of comics. and i'm still technically a young person so these issues concern me.

Emma: i'm a technical virgin. i admire that, a geek not out for the money. but all you had to do was close your youtube channel. wasn't your DC job your dream job?

Jason: sadly, i made more money off my youtube channel than i did at that job.

Emma: next time you gotta write the comics not just critique the comics. that's truly creating content.

and the geek with glasses, the pink punk from Cambridge Analytica slides into the sway fray as well.

Emma: some in the media have branded you a traitor.

Pinko: so what? who cares?

Emma: that's what we're in now, whether we like it or not. media activism. i can't remember the last time i did homework. for school anyway.

Pinko: "My My My". if i was confused before that song took me over the top. i know who i am and that boy is scorching. so yeah i guess i tattled. i was getting sick of going to all those strip clubs. straight strip clubs throw in an Australian every once in a while. so sue me. well actually no don't sue me. who cares? Encyclopedia Dramatica needed to be shut down have you seen that vile site?

Emma: any regrets?

Pinko: i have to poo in a black-sand basin in the Egyptian desert with Jojo. my poops get censored for some reason. the basin is connected to the Secret Pink lava lake i went there once on vacation and it was so envigorating it inspired this pink hair of mine. that's all. it's a life of hiding.

Paul McCartney slides in from New York. with his haughty gentlemanly stroll.

Paul: a friend of mine lost his precious inimitable life to gun violence. imagine the consequences we are all suffering now. just down the street from here. we are all one.

Emma: working on new music, Sir Paul?

Paul: i don't want to talk about that here. it's hard being the last surviving Beatle. it's a burden. a Beatle Burden.

Emma: what about Ringo?

Paul: oh yeah. i always forget about Ringo.

Emma diverges the group and approaches the stage again. she bows her bald head and takes a moment of silence for herself. Cameron and Jaclyn hug her from behind which startles her.

Emma: this has been crazy.

she hugs Cameron goodbye.

Cameron: i see how it is.

she hugs Jaclyn goodbye, too.

Emma: no you don't. it's not about what kind of person he or she is, it's are you a kind person? i need people now, people to hang onto. that's it, just people, doesn't matter what type. or if they are my type. this is just the beginning, the hard part hasn't started or assed itself yet. i need my people to plunge the pitfalls with me. and perk me up, ply me with coffee when i fall off my perch. i need to be single right now. i need to be alone with my thoughts. think about what i'm gonna do next. it's not gonna be any college that i recognize. justice is a lonely road. pure justice is the loneliest road. i should have went with that in my speech instead.

the kids disperse for the summer and never see each other again. sure there are plans to meet and organize at Berkeley but everyone's always too busy. they text but it's not the same, they never touch each other again. text but never touch. scroll but never slide into each other. that's the thing with singular moments in time, they're just that. never to be replicated. never to be duplicated. you better take the picture before someone takes it for you.

but one memento remains, hanging onto the moment like a stubborn sequin. Jennifer Hudson is still on that stage, freestyling her half-singing/half-spoken word poem of fire to this day. she's on her 100th verse of her life story interwoven with silk and sorrow from her street life of tragedy and triumph. the street never meets the stage, the stage merely talks about it. the stage remains raised. it's like that R Kelly song about a closet door which kept going and going and going but was never as inspired as that first verse when the door was closed and trailed off as the wet yellow newspaper headlines faded.

Jennifer Hudson continues singing her song under the D.C. moonlight. to an audience of nobody.

TMIT: VOICES CARRY

i had a blast at the retirement home this weekend! i love the grandmas! i'm a grandma-lover!

1. if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, and your future, what would you want to know? *crystal ball instagram emoji* will i be best friends with the Witch from Snow White? she's the ultimate friend-prize catch. what's her insta? you can tell she's one of those girls who grew up hard, she knew she was ugly so she had to win 'em over with her sparkling personality. her ego defense was her wicked sense of humor. her cackle is like a candied yam. she's the first one at the party with the dirty joke about the rat in her stovepipe. she's a mensch and good people, good gal pal to have around when you get in Thelma & Louise jams, she's always got that get-out-of-jail-free apple for you. look at that adorable face! i don't want to know the Evil Queen she's boring.

2. what do you value most in your sex life? stamina. it's gotta last at least 2 days. you can't describe the feeling when you reach that 25th hour, it's orgasmic. or is it only considered marathon sex if you reach the 26th hour? i like to prepare by eating two-days' worth of meals beforehand so i can go straight without stopping. a fan of sliced apples which i arrange in a fan. lay out a couple or three of my prized bronze reusable water bottles which usually end up stomping on the rosepetals. if anything it saves on clothes. you don't have to go to Macy's as often cos you don't have to wear clothes for two days.

3. what, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?: CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

4. if you had to move to a state or country besides the one in which you currently live, where would you move and why? New York City. not just cos it's "New York City" the hub of all sentient life, but because that's where my ancient ancestors come from on my Dutch side. they probably wore buckles. first i would visit the bungalow where Sid and Cassie are still shacking up in sin. prolly got some rugrats tearing up the modern art in the place. yeah i don't consider those Skins television movies that came after canon, let me have this it's my fantasy. then i'd wait in the snow in that long line for Saturday Night Live tickets outside the filthy i mean historic Studio. there i'd bump into Lin-Manuel who's waiting like the man of the people he is. Bill Hader bursts through the doors to uproarious frigid applause in his Stefon sweatshirt and character. before he can press any flesh Lin, only his best friends can call him just Lin, shoves William and confronts with "you making fun of me?!" the two engage in one of those all-out in-the-open on-the-street shouting matches that New York is famous for. there's a slo-mo ballet simultaneous tossing in each other's face with coffee. don't worry it's cold coffee they're actors not crazy people.

5. are you too nice? fuck yes. i mean fuck no it's impossible for me to be nice i'm not made of such stuff i'm a boy.

bonus: falling in love is __________ (one word only) insanity

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

THE HUMAN BOLT CUTTERS

learned:

* teacher: those saggy baggy ridiculous-looking overalls are against school-policy dress-code. detention during finals. expelled!
girl: but this is literally a Kansas farm school!

* girl: i'm one of those students who's blonde and yet not popular.
brunette with pink pants and a boyfriend: get pink pants.

* my decoder-ring and '70s striped sweatershirt indicate i'm in the Junior Scooby-Doo Mysterymobile Club at school, that's my activity. i go to all the meetings which meet here at the school 8PM on Friday nights. as of this typing i am the sole member and presidentess.

* girl: wait my locker combo was 000? come on!
janitor: yes but it was Left 0 Right 0 Left 0.

* i'm not really happy. the smileyface button on my denim vest is either Watchmen or Nirvana.

* i picked out my pink shoes to match the pink casecover of my phone. that's how much i love my phone.

* girl: why does the sticker say Space Shuttle and not Private?
Elon Musk: dammit.

* janitor: good news, you cleared away all the garbage i was sweeping. bad news, you unlocked my secret locker of student videos......................................what i'm in Student AV Club.
girl: gonna use the internet to criticize tv are we?

* girl: missed my calling. shoulda joined Gymnastics Club. we're a public school that has Gymnastics Club, think about it.
nerd: thank you for that shot of your ass. if you ask me you're wearing just the right thing.
girl: so i'm noticing a pattern. all the lockers have inside them a mini-mirror. boys and girls. vain much?
nerd: we all deal in the cocaine. you'd be surprised what we're allowed to bring to school.

* i miss those desks that the tabletop opens up in front of you and you can store your books and pencil-sharpeners the size of a dime in there. like a wooden backpack.
nerd: they're used as shields now.

* damn you, art class! poof away, magic hippie rainbow powder! i got a C in Art, fucked up my GPA. how is it possible to get a C in Art?

* hoverboard training.
Sarah from Super Ninja Steel: see you in August just in time to show off my summer booty.

* girl: i've never been so happy to see so many balls.
janitor winks.
the janitor and girl high-five.

* girl: what are you doing in here?
chem-lab high-school professor: cocaine. making cocaine.
girl: in that case the fire should have been higher and i really should have blown up the lab.

* girl: freeing the frogs just freeing the frogs. being humane. you don't need to cut open anything anymore you can learn it all online.
skeleton: *waves* what about me?
girl: i'd take you but i see they already cut open your skull.

* girl: and inside the magic treasure chest at the bottom of the ocean is...................a small bong. i think i'll take that cool action figure with the diving helmet and S&M chain instead, it looks collectible. can we just stop to recognize our school has a giant fish tank full of presumably illegally-caught exotic fish?

* girl: wait, that was the library? the library is three-stories tall?
janitor holds his bag of cocaine outside the library.

* girl: Bear Costume from that site where the men dance naked for clothed women at those bachelorette parties i never get invited to, Dave Grohl's bigass drum from when he was in school marching band, deflated Mickey Mouse balloons with the balloon mouse ears used as condoms, file cabinets the paper kind, jars of rancid pickles.
janitor: Pickle Rick!
girl: that's not cool anymore. the only thing cool here are the '70s hatchback cars.

* girl: my name is Kate. i'm not changing.

* text: WHERE R U?
Kate: i'm here, mom.
mom: you're gonna have to stay at your Aunt Sally's again, i lost the keys to the house.

* principal: all this commercial did was condone gang violence. who's gonna pick up all this trash?
Kate: i freed the frogs and the nerds from their lockers. it wasn't trash, it was a Ballet of Trash, it was my final exam, it was garbage. pronounced gar-BAHJ.
principal: you get an F in Art!

* Kate: oh, the movie theatre is right next to the school, that's convenient for dates. gonna go see SLC Punk 2.
punk: that was my finest gold chain of a dollar sign. now i have no money to buy you popcorn.
Kate: destroying your chain was my way of asking you out. cutting your umbilical cord. like i'm friending you in real life, unlocking you literally.
punk: gonna go get some more blue paint for my hair.
Kate: you're not a punk cos you wear blue hair-dye. and look at your fashion, your clothes are a uniform, that's not freedom, that's anything but freedom.
punk: is it punk-rock that i've fallen in love with you after this one conversation?
Kate: *speaking directly to the camera* remember those two from the end of SLC Punk? that's what SLC Punk 2 shoulda been, the continuation of THEIR story.

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies. take just one step outside the house this weekend, i promise you won't regret it...

CRONES: SMALL MOUNDS (III)

at the MSNBC Studios next door:

Brian Williams: my Friday nights are forever ruined. my eyes are so dry people think i wear contacts which i don't. when will this teleprompter nightmare end? the point of a cycle is that it's cyclical not a train trip with no ticket. the drums, the drums are in my head, banging away way after the intro. hey Chuck, you searching for a contact lens? you seem short an eyelash.

Chuck Todd: no, thanks, Brian, just putting some extra drops in my eyes.

Brian: get some sleep. you, too, Chris.

Chris Matthews: i'm always searching for that all-encompassing word to start my show. a cast spell. don't call me a moron.

Nikki Haley: i didn't!

Chris: no that was for the Tillerson show.

Nikki: are you sure you're not guilty over something, Chris? something that happened long ago? gnawing at you? in this present age?

Chris: i know what you're gonna say before you say it, that's why i'm so good. i ask the third question along the conversation first so the interviewee doesn't have time to react, i'm already three steps ahead, i already know what you're gonna say for questions one and two.

Nikki: rememeber that time long ago when we decided to just be friends? when i DEMANDED we just be friends?

Chris: i don't remember all my interns.

Nikki: a-ha! yes you do!

Chris: get me out of this, Heilemann, say something cynical.

John Heilemann: not this time, bub. i was hurt when my partner left me. for hurting me.

Chris: do you like mayonnaise? are you the mayor?

Heilemann: what? that's the other John Heilemans.

Chris: those were my two questions. we're out of time oh thank the Irish God on this St. Paddy's Rachel is up next.

Rachel Maddow is done with her show and giddy.

Rachel: i want to give you guys some backstage advice. don't worry it'll be kosher.

Emma, Cameron, and Jaclyn oblige the obliege.

Rachel: don't let anyone push you around, don't listen to anyone! you do what is right, don't let some no-line online hacks bring you down. you tell 'em what that priest told Giuliani when he was running, down in the polls, and looking for some political advice from the pulpit: fuck em. onward and forward-leaning, you'll always have a landing spot at this station.

Emma: thanks Rach. yeah i just hit 'em back on twitter with a funny meme or hilarious Moses post. except for James Woods. i don't find James Woods funny at all.

Rachel: as long as your internal workings as a group are strong, nobody can stand in your way. no internal strife hold it together. you just have to do it and not back down at the last minute cos you got bored. don't dissolve the bond and you don't dissolve the brand. go to work at the office everyday watching The Office.

Emma: good advice, solid, i'll take it to heart. um, Cameron, we need to talk.

Cameron: what's up i haven't seen you in ages i've been on the West Coast westcoastin' it.

Emma: yeah see that's the promise and the problem. i want to break up.

Cameron gives Jaclyn the look and points back and forth at both of them.

Cameron: don't tell me you two are......? that is too predictable.

Emma: well i am a 17-year-old girl. you're never here. and Rachel made me all excited when she got excited treating US as the celebrity.

Cameron: i'm busy spreading the message and the word. and not my legs! to the four corners. this is our message, remember? we still on for prom?

Emma: doesn't prom hit on the same day as the Parade?

Cameron: it's more of a March and no. there are countless proms at the end of the year.

Jaclyn: didn't we all tacitly kinda agree to all go to prom as a group?

Cameron: oh come on! fine, i'll ask Rachel to prom, she's a woman i admire greatly. that's how proms are now, right?

Emma hugs her arms around the prevailing air.

Emma: come on, guys, let's go to McDonald's for some shakes. things will look better in the morning. we need to fuel up for our sabbatical.

_______________________

at FBI Headquarters Strzok and Page dive deep underground to a smelly room with a poster on the wall that hangs folds like Finn's poster on Adventure Time.

Page, once realizing she is alone with her beau, kisses him passionately. Strzok gracefully removes her crown of the Sword of Saad.

Page transformes back into Dana Scully.

Scully lifts the veil and she sees Fox Mulder in front of her again.

Mulder: i could never turn the page on what we have.

Mulder drops Scully to the ground jujitsu-style. they embrace without kissing, hugging each other's snowcoat. he careeses her blonde hair.

Mulder: what we have is so much more than a romp in the hay. it's eternal. it's caring. it's care. it's love.

Scully closes her eyes and the two lovebirds touch mouths without kissing.

all of the pencils punctured stuck on Mulder's styrofoam ceiling from the four corners drop and fall and land perfectly on Mulder's desk.

________________________

at the Library Slash Drama Complex, the stage play is about to be catharted. the stage is filled with books both meant to be read and written on with play lines. Jan Russ, the imperious blonde Australian theatre director, takes the helm and encourages her students. she slaps the floor with her wet dark-brown mile-ruler.

Russ: ladies we must use our imaginations. in the time we have left. no time to be obdurate. it's critical or we're cut cunts. hop to. you there, you, form the stage.

the rest of the team of coven double over and arch their backs to form the mounds of the volcanoes. the lead actresses try their darndest to come up with lines which are really solutions. Jill spits on the girls to mimic the imaginary lava.

Jill: i like her. she's so imprious and impolite i'm impressed! all this spit is strangely erotic.

Sally: nothing's working. wait let me try something: Hoona Igna Chowa Neha. nothing.

Jill: you're a terrible leader. let me try: Infernos! well i tried.

Sally: get some sleep, dear. things will look better in the morning.

Jill and Doryce: thank you. she was talking to me.

Doryce: i'm famished. and i need a lie-down. so does my best friend. anywhere near here?

Jill: go to Gladyce's broom shoppe! it's not far from here by broom. here, take my rustico-baked. from Evol Foods. terrible name for a food company.

Doryce: right? wow this baked-rustico is a trip, it tastes and flakes just like a cruffin. no offense but spending just these three minutes with you alone and i can already tell it's just not the same. you're not nice like Gladyce. let us go to her place.

the place is as quaint as Gladyce's manners. silver and gold brooms hang above the fireplace and lean on the four corners as the exposed-brick room is quietly kilning a pizza and chicken for breakfast.

Doryce: so this is where Gladyce finally works. you've been holding out on me, dear, you've got it made. what does she do with all these brooms?

Jill: sweep.

Doryce leaves Gladyce in the front and locks the door. she retires to the upstairs bed but she can't sleep so she goes for a midnight stroll. on the thatched roof. she has so much quiet time to think up there she starts getting ideas. she can still hear the actresses on stage singing their lines in the distance. she slips and falls upside down on a roof pebble trying to jump whilst on a broom. Gladyce wakes up just in time to stop her from CTE or a leg amputation. tis merely a knee scrape and a bruised egoess.

Doryce: i thought i could do it. guess i'm not one of you after all.

Gladyce: you're better, my dear, so much better. now give me a hug and get thee to a doctor. i mean me to a doctor.

Doryce: there's a doctor here? like a modern doctor?

Gladyce: sure. and a modern waiting room as well. but first we need to give him something to get fired up about. a cause. drop me in the mouth of the volcanoes, dear.

Doryce: *crying* i can't. you're too weak.

Gladyce: you must, love. it's the only way.

Doryce obliges, she gently drops Gladyce into the green slimey oozy lava. Gladyce seems to dissolve in it but she comes up for air after a while. Doryce hugs her friend right and tight. the two sets of small breasts push up against each other. their tits touch.

Gladyce's hair, once black like Doryce's, turns back to blonde.

CRONES: SMALL MOUNDS (II)

___________________________

at McDonald's, a roundtable is shaping. Kim sits at the kiddie table rubbing knees with the Chinese President who is at the adult McDonald's table with the serious fern in the back next to President Bump.

Chinese President: i guess you can call me Sun Sultan or something from now on, thought it's weird cos i'm still an atheist and don't claim to get this power from a descendant god or anything.

Bump: we really should try that over here. no more disruptive election cycles and endless news cycles and turnover of people and parties. it would all be so neat and simple, just let me handle it, America, and you go about your day.

Kim: i don't get it. i do exactly what you're doing, Father Chinese President, but i'm made out to be the bad guy, the spoiled out-of-control wayward son. meanwhile you do it and it's somehow all cool and Chinese. i want to be cool like you, my two dads.

Chinese President: it's the suit, son i mean Kim. i wear a suit you wear a Halloween costume. i even wear a suit at McDonald's.

a loud snorting noise crashes the drive-thru. Putin clicks his tongue.

Kim: you making fun of my language and my people?

Putin: wouldn't dream. that's my war rhino trying to find a parking space. i'm just turning the alarm off.

Bump: congratulations...........to me, i've finally found the First Pet. hello, folks, pull up a booth.

Putin slaps the hamburger bun on the pattie and smushes down.

Putin: this is not Siberian deermeat. i'll take Caspian deermeat at this point.

Squidward: we serve food here, sir.

Putin: i'm outie. see you in six years.

Bump: wait, Vlad, why do you always keep me on read? it's rude. i try to text you and...

Jared is slumped over a table in a pile of Mini Deal wrappers.

Bump: what are you doing, son? here?

Jared wakes up and the Value Meal wrappers are ketchuped and mustard'd to his face.

Jared: *scrolls his instagram* working on a bitch.

Bump: you look gaunt, sil. speak softly and carry no stick.

Jared: i can't afford to eat anymore.

Bump: have my last two fries, they're the saltiest. let me steal your instagram? i got a RSVP to RS-VIP. et al. after all, i paid for this Parade.

Avenatti: you won't be going anywhere, sir, you'll be tied up in court. i can send a racing car to pick you up.

Bump: oh hello. as i said pull up a McDonald's high-chair. the high-chair is for your lady's tits. though you are quite the natty dresser yourself, sir. see? i can look at other things, take the temperature of the room. i like you. you look like Lex Luthor, a man i admire.

Stormy Daniels: i passed.

Bump: you sure did. and i'm very particular when it comes to affairs. what is a fine woman like yourself doing in a joint like this?

Stormy Daniels: how do you think my tits got this big? it wasn't from fish. there's a steady diet of chocolate milkshakes swimming in these jugs.

Bump: i find if you bread the fuck out of the fish it's easier to swallow down.

Stormy: it's me. Stormy.

Bump: oh now i see. i knew you by a different name. when i was a different name. yeah i see you spread all across the fractured media landcape. but it's a bit much, don't you think? we don't need all the grisly details. there's only so much truth the average American josephine can handle. have my last two fries, i love them both equally, i can't choose.