"LIKE A COLLEGE-FOOTBALL SPRING SCRIMMAGE..."

post Game learned:

* Michael Jordan flu game, Pink, that's it, that's the list.

* Kevin Hart: that was an angelic rendition.
Pink: i had 20 lozenges in my mouth the whole time i was singing.
Kevin Hart: those lozenges have alcohol, right? can i have some?

* Gronk still hasn't helped the Pats to a Super Bowl chip.

* Gronk: i like chips, but i like championships more.
reporter: what are you gonna do now?
Gronk: i was thinking some sort of romance writer. i'm selling the party boat.
reporter: keep the boat, it can be your oasis, your place to get away from it all when you write.
Gronk: are you a writer or something?

* Anderson: you must have the biggest onions to try a trick play like that in the Super Bowl on 4th while ahead.
Doug: no lead is safe with the Patriots. also, it's not a Philadelphian cheesesteak without the onions.
Anderson: that was illegal formation but it was still a breathtaking play.
Doug: fake news.

* reporter: are you the worst receiver of all time?
Brady: talk to the hand.

* reporter: how do you account for all this? i mean besides religion.
Foles: Philadelphia, this one's for you. the first awning's on me.

* i want to be the guy who interviews the winning quarterback right after for those Disney ads.

* Brady: absolutely no defense in the game at all. that one move, that was it, and they made it. that strip sack will haunt me forever.
Eagles defense: come on, Tom, it's not that bad. you still have it good. join us for a celebratory sandwich, Philly-style.
Brady: what's in it?
Eagles defense: strip steak.

* Brady: nobody feels sorry for us. well, except Coach. i saw Bill crying in the foyer.

* reporter: are you gonna suddenly fall off a cliff?
Brady: nah, my wives are friends.

* Justin: the ghost of Prince came back to us! get it? with the blanket? why does everyone hate me now!?
Bieber: i'm gonna do the Half Time Show next year. no backup dancers, no band, just me on stage by myself alone spotlight on my gold teeth for 20 full minutes. we'll see how those reviews are.

* Justin: that wasn't the City of Minneapolis covering itself in purple light. that was everyone dropping their styro cup of purple drank at the same time. right into the streets like a purple-drank river. cry me a river. that song wasn't about Britney. it was about purple drank.

* Justin: there you go, kid, this selfie will stay with you forever. you'll never get more likes............wait, aren't you Backpack Kid? man, fuck this.

* the commercials were on the whole flat, lame, deadening, safe, and uninspired. they didn't really go for it, didn't get weird as in past years. most of them were promos for the Winter Olympics which while understandable blunted the proceedings. the winner for me was the suicide one. it catches you by surprise, links happy strangers together in a common terrible bond. i tried to call the number but it was busy.

* WeatherTech, why you no like rain? why you trying to protect us from rain? rain is the only thing which makes us feel alive in this cold dry world.

* here's how good an actor Eli is. Eli is actually a Shakespearean actor who trained under Martha Graham and had Michaela DePrince as a roommate. everyone is related to Prince. and that was Martha's maiden name, her surname was Manning. everyone is either a Manning, Kennedy, or Prince. see? Eli was pretending to be bad there for the joke.

* Jerry Orbach: i have no reaction to this commercial. i just want the mothership Law & Order to come back.
Eli: New York has the best hot dogs. hot dogs are sandwiches.

* those annoying Tide intervening interstitials: all that and you didn't address the elephant in the room? you should have tackled the Tide pods thing head-on, had a commercial with a dopey teen kid with tufts of hair coming out of his or her upside-down cap sprinkling detergent in his or her eggs instead of salt and an FBI Warning as the endtag.

* Kornheiser: did you know there was a Solo movie? great title, get it? solo movie.
Wilbon: another sequel? it will be as brilliantly unnecessary as Rogue One.
Kornheiser: as long as Christina Aguilera's in it i'm in the front row.
Wilbon: nobody wants to hear of your activities. full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
Kornheiser: the undiscovered country...

* no Crocodile Dundee movie? that's very cruel, i missed the Paul Hogan mania in the '80s the first time around, i was too young.

* Kurt would not be rolling in his grave. please tell me Kurt is not presently in a grave. i would have been a more well-rounded adult if i had listened in my crib to a tinny baby-song nursery-rhyme tiny-xylophone version of "Come As You Are". the Baby Mozart stuff is fine but sometimes you need alternative.

* Martin Luther King, Jr. is turning in his grave. just at the general nature of things today. and for the McRib. bring back The Boondocks! on third thought, maybe not such a good idea. Martin wasn't against Einstein, he was for Neil. he never wants Neil to retire.

* Freddie sang the most macho testosterone-raging sports-fueled jock anthem of all time. think about it, now that's Viking. this man deserved a Viking funeral.

* a road is a road is an embankment up a babbling brook is a manifesto not taken...

* the new Dorito flavor is just Nacho Cheese dipped in butter. Mountain Dew Ice tastes exactly like tap water. i choose neither. i choose for Peter and Morgan to rap in their own voices.

* i am very interested in how robots go to the bathroom.

COLDER THAN A VIKING'S TIT. SUPER BOWL GAME, ANYONE CAN PLAY!!!

you know how to play. guess the score in the comments. winner gets my eternal gratitude knowing you added to the cast of dozens.

pre Game learned:

* Philly fan slamming into that subway column wasn't funny. why does only the stupid stuff go viral? will the cure for cancer go viral? this is how these things get started. this is how Tide pods happens.

* Opening Night: when Media Day gets corporatized, it is the end of all we hold dear. Pick Boy. Pick Boy. Pick Boy comparing who's handsomer, Pick Boy or Brady, this is all that matters now.

* i remember that last Eagles/Pats tilt vividly. 2004, right? simpler times. pre-Instagram. yeah Donovan McNabb threw up or something? and then he called on that phone on the field for the nurse from Animaniacs. they're reviving Animaniacs, never saw the original, i guess it was on at a bad time for me, they say i'm missing a classic, i'll never know one way or the other. TO played on a broken leg he sustained while doing shirtless pushups on his driveway. and Brady had two wives?

* Rocky obviously was from Boston. or maybe his mouth got messed up from all those fights he had to do for money.

* instead of the Halftime Show there should be an SNL skit where Maya Rudolph plays that long-suffering wife with the appropriate accent of whosever winning at the time and the fact that her husband may be a blowhard but he still gave her her babies.

* the Patriots have reached that Federer level where all the will to hate has been stripped away and there's just this eternal numbing halcyon paradise.

* Justin: Prince tribute obvi. gonna go live to Selena Gomez's room in rehab to see how she's doing, little safety check. then N Sync will make their surprise appearance, minus the Fat One, Joey is filming yet another The Hub pilot trying to revival that network back, we all want Spooksville Season 2. and Janet will close us out with her performance of Colder Than A Strong Independent Woman's Tit Except It Will Be Covered Up, Even If You're a Nasty Warlock.

* the only Skol celebrated will be chewing tobacco. in kid-friendly flavors. the NFL is for families. Truth. get rid of it once and for all, end it, 100%.

* Patriots lockerroom:
offensive line: it's colder in here than a supermodel's showing nip.
Brady: hey, that's offensive. my wife isn't that bad.

* reporter: Winter is Coming, heehee.
Brady: yeah i don't watch that show. i don't know much about pop culture. Gisele keeps the kids and me tech-free.
reporter: she's a hot milf and conscious of the slow degradation of our society? she's perfect.

* Brady: who's my man crush? it's gotta be Seth Green.
Pick Boy falls to his knees and weeps over the loss of Candace Bailey's innocence.

* reporter: why do all the Patriots date internationally-known supermodels?
Brady: we all met on AOL Instant Messenger. we were the last two groups on there.

* reporter: who's your pick for Best Picture? The Shape of Water?
Amendola: Bill doesn't let us out to see movies. although in this weather the shape of water is frozen.
reporter: see you do see movies.

* Gronk, reading: Brady's personal massager went into my butt cheeks................what? i'm showing you the reports of the Patriots' demise have been greatly exaggerated.

* Belichick: how do you get me to smile? ask me about that special This Is Us after. my Navy lacrosse buddies all gathered round the couch with a collective box of tissue and some wine, that's what i'll be doing after our win, NOT going to Disneyland.

* full disclosure, i didn't watch the Eagles Media Day, it sounded boring.

* prop-bet predictions: doves instead of a bald eagle, don't want to show favoritism, the Gatorade color will be Pineapple, right, Eli?, Steve Jobs will rise from the dead to take back his black cotton knit wool shirt from Justin, that will be the stolen jersey after the game. Steve Jobs will also announce his retirement to go to work for Samsung.

* the Dow dropped 666 points. just a correction. think of it like a hotel settling.

* you gotta admit, six more weeks of winter, a Winter Superbowl, and the Winter Olympics just four days later. it's such a proud time to be a goth.

have fun! let's reconvene on Monday when you wake me up from my coffin-shaped bed and ask me how my Taco Bell Nacho Fries were.

CRONES: YONIC (III)

Gladyce: your man is big on tennis i gather?

Doryce: quite. we got mutually depressed over Sandgren, it was a nice bonding moment.

Gladyce: oh yes, i was all ready over here to shoot the flags and rah-rah our country. then i had to peruse one of your gossip rags.

Doryce: we come from a bigger country. has to be. yeah, just don't offer him a pizza, he'll go ballistic.

Gladyce: such a shame. first one in many years. and the perfect name, too, Tennys.

Doryce: too much sand in his vagina. speaking of balls-out pizza, have you checked out the new Red Baron?

Gladyce: sure. in the frozen aisle.

Doryce: no i mean on the cover. the actual Red Baron. he is looking buffer, i think they got a new model. you can see his twig and branches bulging from out his beige flyer pants.

Gladyce: i'm with you, honey. that mustache is majestic, mmmmm. i want to mustache-ride him!

Doryce: other way round, dear.

Gladyce: whatever works. i want to kiss his lips, but i really just want to kiss his mustache, not his mouth.

Doryce: i get the neufchatel and the gruyere flavors. which ones are your fancy?

Gladyce: the cheese one. where do you find those?

Doryce: in the frozen section. yeah, they come in slightly different packaging, his package is altered in the cover photo on the rare boxes. one even has to cover it with his scarf it's so huge and sticking out.

Gladyce: i believe they call that photoshop. i heard that from a grandson. not my grandson, just some tiny kid walking the street at night. those pizzas scare me, they're in the shape of tombstones.

Doryce: well look alive, soldier of love! here he comes. with his flavor du jour.

Bama arrives in his Dodge Stratus by the stop, pulling up to Doryce's wiggling feet whose combed shoes dangle the bus bench. Gladyce's feet and uncut nails are in open-toed boots on the other side of the bench.

Gladyce: you set me up!

Doryce: yes! on a date! we're sisters, we share everything!

Gladyce: even this!? wow. we really are sisters now. are you the menu du jour, young man?

Doryce: not me, her. set menu. table d'hote. i'm preparing you for fancy dates, kid, if you ever want to move up in the world.

Bama: uh, si fraulein, gracias.

Gladyce: i like him already. i'm giggling like a schoolgirl.

Doryce: oh you never went to school. we're too pretty for school. have fun!

Doryce waves her bony hand. at the Y pool, seniors' night. Gladyce is in her black-and-white-striped unitard.

Bama: don't be a tard, go naked. i mean if you want to.

Gladyce: oh i hate these seniors' nights. i hate being conspicuous. i'm gonna dunk my head and never come up for breath. you look cute in your red shorts which don't quite fit you.

Bama: try the volleyball. it's weird in water. i've been doing a lot more sports even since my mom banned internet in my room. but i still sneak out and watch my watch. here. it's okay, it's waterproof.

Gladyce: honey the wave of the future passed me a long time ago. i don't "do" the internet, honeychild.

Bama: it is getting boring. what finally convinced you the internet wasn't for you?

Gladyce: Poopeez. Poopeez exists.

Bama: for me it was Tide pods.

Gladyce: ikr? can you believe young people today are so dead inside they voluntarily eat detergent to get friends? what happened to the kids?

Bama: attraction is an anomaly. i use Tide pods to wash clothes.

Bama takes out a Tide pod from his shorts pocket...

Gladyce: ...oh so that WAS a Tide pod in your pocket.

...and he removes his shorts and throws them into the pool then he removes everyone at the pool's clothes and tosses them in the middle of the pool. he dives in and begins churning the water with his muscle shins. a vortex forms.

Gladyce: well that's one way to do laundry. college kids today and their unique creative ways to do their laundry. i'm suddenly feeling very tired, think i'll take a nap. and you've just provided me the easy way out.

Gladyce falls in and rides the cylindrical tip of the vortex to the bottom of the pool.

Gladyce: hope nobody saw me, i need the peace and quiet.

she turns to her side and rests her face on her elbow. she closes her eyes and snoozes for a day straight her body never not touching the bottom concrete of the pool, lounging, lying in full chlorine water.

the tornado has long since evaporated. Bama searches frantically for his old date, his charge, even saluting his forehead to see better, but he can't locate Gladyce. he realizes awhile that he can't just be naked with just a towel round his neck out in the open like this swinging in the wind and flies.

the lifeguard's chair is lifted high up in the air and empty. nobody is occupying the lifeguard. there's a red towel on the lifeguard seat.

me, from my bedroom, rope round my neck with a whistle: insulting BOTH El Salvador AND The Netherlands on the same day!!? now it's personal.

Gladyce lay underwater.

CRONES: YONIC (II)

at the State of the Union, President Bump has forgotten which audience he's playing to. but he takes in the pomp and circumstances of his reign with a wry smile.

Brian Williams: *at the desk* did he actually say what the state of the union was? what word did he use? i missed that.

Nicolle Wallace: he used the word fragile which i thought was quite brave.

Chris Matthews: the Democratic response was proof that all the soul went into one ginger.

Brian: and so you just heard our family here at the desk, we're all here and extended, you can't miss that piercing voice.

in the Patriots lockerroom.

Belichick: if any of you want to take a break from this intense Super Bowl practice which will change the course of your careers, know that such practice is against league rules and subject to severe penalties and fines. you will be forced to sit in on the Committee which is redetermining what a catch is. and you will be summarily cut from the team. but i will allow it for this special occasion this time.

the team tv remains turned off. only Brady walks out of the room and watches it on his watch. he removes a hat from his locker, locks that locker, and places his keys in the hat.

Nikki Haley strolls onto the set. in intermissions everyone is friends playing a part and not enemies.

Nikki: hi Chris! did you get my invite?

Chris: thanks, babe, but i had to work.

Nikki: what did you think of the address?

Chris: Lincolnesque. only in the sense of same party.

Nikki: why is your mouth agape and your eyes wide and you can't speak?

Chris: i only came to see what those two lovebirds would do in between segments. but they fucked on air live tv under the desk when the camera panned to a guest, it was quite the quickie spectacle to behold! i came.

Nikki descends the quiet stone walkway into the evening dusk and damp grass to the back of the Capitol. the Dome is hiding the tip of the plane. before she enters Air Force Uno unaccompanied and without fanfare mics, noisily on her long heels each step of the gangplank up, she rustles something by a bush as if she's checking her purse. but she doesn't take her purse. she puts it behind her back and holds it to her butt.

Bump: i heard you coming a mile away. perhaps it's time for your noisy resignation?

Nikki: sir this is highly inappropriate. it's okay normally but this time it's me. i still would have been chosen for this position if if were Hilary, i'm that qualified. that would have been a more ideal situation for me looking back.

Bump: don't be so sure, i've heard rumors about her. she is REALLY into women's issues. stories when i still attended their parties. stories my alter-ego planted himself. how did you enjoy the speech? it was the greatest deliverance ever by an American President, got yuge worldwide ratings, biggest speech ever, never lost.

Nikki: longest speech ever. it would have gotten ratings anyway, this thing preempts everything from Nickelodeon to Persian soap operas.

Bump leans back on his airplane chair, which he has scooted to block the porthole entrance. he is so sunken into that chair his big head is lateral with the armrests. his sunken eyes twitch and twinkle with blotches of yellow. he sticks out his crooked tongue snarkily over a misplaced jaw. his tongue is coated in gold dust.

Bump: i deserve a treat after that speech. a frequent-fliers reward. i worked hard approving that speech. i made sure to un-redact every last thing that was redacted. come here and sit on Papa's lap. gimme my chocolate ice cream with caramel on top.

he begins to unbutton his pants. Nikki quickly wags her stick in front of his face. the stick has a strong oak base and two spindly limbs which branch around and form a misshapen circle of branches eating each other, melting at the edges. the light catches Bump's two lights off-guard and closes them.

Nikki: do you feel that? the soft fleshy moonlight from Mother Moon filtering into your hard caveman brow?

Bump: *covering with his hands but they're not big enough* what is that thing!?

Nikki: an uroboros of sorts.

Bump: but i'm not into pee play!

Nikki: that's not what that midget Steel says. he's a friend of mine off-work.

Bump: please stop. i can feel the pebbles of your spell counteracting the slick taste in my mouth. this is a power i have not encountered before.

Nikki: cut it out! do you not read the papers? do you not listen to the same music? we're in a different time, a new era. it would have broken open even with Hilary. let's pretend this never happened, status quo, both of us remain silenced, i keep my job, and i promise you Mueller's head on a stick. i can get it done, i just need a few agents, that shouldn't be too tough, right? from now on, work, not play.

Bump: oh yeah, the FBI is like my right arm. you bring me Mueller and you'll get promoted! the boring way! oooooooooooooooo, your orangutan is making me dizzy. i feel like throwing up.

Nikki: you needed a shakeup, sir.

__________________________

CRONES: YONIC

the two ladies met every time in the same place. like clockwork, but working off a sundial in a bygone area, in their heads, older than the very time it was tabulating. they knew each other's favorite places and their favorite times of day. by instinct, joined at the hip, joined at the crotch. their crotchety crotch.

Gladyce: do we even need to speak anymore?

Doryce: hells yes. who am i, your husband? how would i know what you're thinking?

Gladyce: i assumed we were mindreaders.

Doryce: yes but that's a spell which takes a spell, an awful amount of concentration. powers of perception and such, reading a person's expressions nibbled on their nosehairs. at my age my glasses wobble, can't zero in on one target long enough.

Gladyce: you mean you have a roving eye. we really should live together doncha think? do you have any other friends?

Doryce: oh no, that would spoil the fun. we need to have some surprises between us or we'd get sick of each other fast. i don't want what we've built up over the generations to be lost on a lost toothbrush.

Gladyce: you mean secrets. i'm with you, honey. our bond is the grandest edifice ever built. it's like the Taj Mahal no one else knows about. can't find it on no stinkin' travel guide. honey, you can scrape my sky any day.

Doryce: i want to scrape your pap. it's a delicate balance. the key is not to think about it too much. a miracle disrupts a rigid plan.

Gladyce: the bus is late again. time for my sex life. please expound on your date with Bama.

Doryce: i think he's too old for me. going off to college like a big man. he won't like what's in store. it's all downhill from there. the minute you adult your inner child gets burned at the stake.

Gladyce: they've had it all wrong for centuries. you're not supposed to grow up, you're supposed to grow lateral.

Doryce uses her mouth on her glasses.

Gladyce: that is so interesting right now. you're fogging up your glasses to clean them. but look out, in front of you, we're outside, do you feel that? it's the weather. it's foggy. thick as pea soup. isn't this what biddies do? the number-one topic? the weather? i'm always telling you to observe nature. you're missing out keeping insular inside your coat.

Doryce: fah. a pox on your house. that you never use. you need to look out for my left hook. i only like pea soup with ham. my cat is fine thank you very much ma'am. actually she's not. threw up. saw her vomit right in front of my eyes. see i'm observant. don't know what it is. if it's the food i'm screwed, screwed food, they only serve one brand at Rite Aid. i sonder that she's getting too much sun perched on that damn window of mine that i always have to keep draped. she takes after her mother, as all creatures eventually do.

Gladyce: wham bam. your Christmas goose is cooked. seeing your beautiful lips form that O shape and blow got my back up. thank you, my back's been killing me for ages. but now my mouth is dry and full of cotton. my tongue tried to empathize with you but couldn't muster the saliva. glands atrophy as you get older. got any gum or something?

Doryce: you're like a damn smoker. and i'm gonna treat you like one. sure, take my therapeutic gum. in my left coatpocket you malign along with the hook and thread. it's the yellowing one. i mean the yellow one, both our teeths are long gone. Juicy Fruit. i stole the last pack from the bottom, the one no one sees that ends the rectangular box. it's the perfect gum.

Gladyce: DORYCE! i'm ashamed to be associated with you.

Doryce: what? it's just gum. at my age what are they gonna do, throw a helpless granny in the slammer?

Gladyce: that's how it starts. you think it's just a harmless pack of gum but if everyone looted their pound of gum all the World Money would stop circulating.

Doryce: but that's just my point. it is just gum. this is my revenge on society for doing me wrong my whole life. *chew* and it tastes like gravel. oh great. there are two types of gum, soft and sandpaper. we got the hard expired one that crumbles into pieces upon contact with teeth, even our teeth which is itself mostly gum.

Gladyce motions to form an O with her lips...

Doryce: *points* don't you dare say karma! we control the karma.

___________________________

TMIT: KUBLER NEVER ACCEPTED ROSS

please, Roger, don't be a doper. let's not have a report from Rome 10 years after your retirement where he prefaces his remarks with, "come to find out..." just don't ever retire, you can do it! tennis balls can't be deflated, if you try it they just turn into tennis-shoe tongues. don't shred my last shred of hope for humanity. Roger makes me want to be a better man. Roger is my Helen Hunt. this is not Super Bowl Week. this is Taco Bell Nacho Fries Week.

1. i will never again__________ drop acid before a chemistry test

2. i stash _________ in my closet. hash. but only cos it rhymes.

3. are you embarrassed when strangers start talking about their sexlife to you? heavens no, i tell them to continue. tell me more. get graphic with it. give me the deets. does anyone use deets anymore? this is the only sex life i have. gossip over Golden Girls cheesecake. did you see the Golden Girls episode of Gumball? it's like that Tool song. the one that begins with V. not tool vest, that's for role play.

4. would you date someone who is celebate? monks make the hottest fuckers.

5. what percentage do each of these activities---work, play, household, sex, rest/sleep---have in your life? (must equal 100%)

work: i consider writing work, 100%
play: i consider writing also play, 100%
i also wrote a play
household: i let Rosey the Robot handle it. that's where it all started, 100%
sex: yoga is simulated sex. hey remember the old movie ratings? it was never actual sex, it was always Rated R for Simulated Sex. i suppose if it was actual sex it got the X rating. 100%
rest: truckstops have the best bacon, 100%
sleep: 0%

i'm not good at math. i was an English major.

bonus: how do you decompress at the end of each day? how would you like to decompress at the end of each day? sex with my neighbor. anime.

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

THE LOST ART OF FOREHEAD TRANS FATTY ACID

learned:

* The Truth Is In Here clogging your arteries

* i'll never forget when i met Josh Duhamel. he said that line about "cabbies" to Greenlee on General Hospital and i had my shorthand for cabernet sauvignon on dates. he taught me so many things. he taught me about cool. i knew he was going places. i knew him when he was just another unknown soap hunk. the movie-star stuff isn't really working out. come back to soaps, Duh, they need you, soaps are dying. or worse, becoming New York-regional only. we've all seen how the Transformers were never meant to be made into real-life film-set pieces. that's what the toys were for. some concepts are better left to '80s animators.

* papyrus logo

* girl: daddy! why do we eat Taco Bell every night?
Josh: this splitlevel's underwater.

* girl: i want fries!
wife: honey, Taco Bell doesn't have fries.
girl: chicken fries?
wife: Taco Bell just has steak.

* Josh: hello, facebook? my personal profile says mood: RUSSIAN.

* Mueller: quit dipping around.
Josh: you look familiar.
Mueller: i'm what the Cigarette Smoking Man would look like if he had never smoked.

* Josh: what's in this manila envelope?
coworker: the key to everything.
coworker: what are you doing?
Josh: i tried to start my car. no dice.
coworker: the key opens the flash drive.
Josh: i just heard key and drive. i know nothing of computers.

* coworker: what are you doing?
Josh: fries.
coworker: DRIVE! DRIVE!
Josh: you're making me feel like I'M the one who's crazy. this is how it starts.

* Josh: one question: what is "Mexican" spices?
Mueller: basically cayenne pepper. we're entering a new trade war over this Wall.

* wife: pour all that gooey nacho-cheese sauce all over my naked body. it won't be hot, it's from Taco Bell.

* informant: Big Fries.
Josh: explain. i'm getting wet. from the fountain.
informant: you get it now? you get the Illuminaughty symbolism? the fry with the ketchupped tip? the senators? the senators with the younger women in dazzling dresses not their wives?
Josh: are they drinking cabbie?
informant: lipsticked penises, man, lipsticked penises!

* informant: the nacho cheese is not your cheese.
Josh: Jack In The Box already used that.
informant: i got news for you. we're all in the Box.

* Skinner: he's getting close. i love when we're all in shadow like this, it hides my baldness.

* daughter: daddy, a clown gave me this fry.
Josh: drop the fry, honey. and pick up that nearby red balloon.

* Josh: wait. something is all wrong here. California's flag? California's not a real state!

* Josh: i need to bleach the red ketchup stains from my collection of white shirts before they get here!!! honey, where are the Tide pods?!!
wife: you ate them, remember?

* Comey: who is They?
Josh: Dr. They. everyone knows Dr. They.

* wife: these nacho fries are consuming you!
Josh: you look like Fergie when you make that face.

* coworker: looks like you got yourself in some hot oil, dad.
Josh: did i sleep on the company couch again?
 coworker: i'm Fergie's adult son you never met.

* clowns: we're gonna run you off the road and into a pond.
Josh: thank you, these new Taco Bell nacho fries are spicy.

* this is my life. i'm gonna try these new nacho fries the Saturday before the Super Bowl. you know they'll be off the menu by then.

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies. i'm worried. Cilic is like Roddick but taller. it still boggles me that huge servers like Dr. Ivo and Isner never do well at Wimbledon and the hard-court Slams. i feel for the women's Final in a couple of hours. one of those ladies will be heartbroken and need comforting. i'll be in the stands but i only have one bony shoulder. i'll ask the runner-up to marry me. she'll ask how much money i make. i'll say bitcoin.

CRONES: RITE AID (III)

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CRONES: RITE AID (II)

me from my bedroom: causing an international incident with both El Salvador AND The Netherlands all in the same day? okay now this is personal.

________________

Gladyce: so how was it? how was your date?

Doryce: oh let me see if i recall. everything just blends together nowadays. i remember Bama was wearing a shirt...

Doryce: Bama dear, will you help me? i've got two bags here.

Bama: okay Miss Doryce, i see they're not white, they're brown.

Doryce: i wish my poo doctor would tell me that one time. you are such a dear for calling me miss. have your muscles grown since last we spoke?

Bama: just my head muscle. i'm going to college in a few weeks.

Doryce: please, darling, let's not talk about the future, all there is is now. it's not all the way there, hon, bless your heart, you're still wearing that Auburn sweater. i'd advise against that when you get up there. it hides your biceps.

Bama: Miss, why do you do your weekly full grocery shopping here at Rite Aid? this is more of a druggist's, not a grocer's. we have a few items but it's mostly candy bars to drown out the medicine taste. Safeway's just across the street.

Doryce: but who would help me there? i feel so safe in your arms.

Bama: but i've never hugged you. okay i finished loading you up.

Doryce: that sounds so filthy and lovely.

Bama: let me put them in the trunk of your car.

Doryce: please continue. except i don't have a car. those nasty government agents took my driver's license away permanently.

Bama: okay i can walk. i got trunks for legs. where do you live? i'm sure yours is the mansion on the grassy hill i curb every morning in my dewy Datsun.

Doryce: you are adorable glass. i live miles from here. now do you see how much i love you?

Bama: i can drive you, Miss. the passenger's seat is filled with 30 Caesar chicken-wing bones but

Doryce: please, my love, let's take things slow. just drop me off at the bus depot like one of your bitches you've finished with for the day. you must trust me in such matters, i have the experience and the experiences. it'll make it all the more explosive when we finally do consummate. now who do you want to win the Big Game?

Bama: Patriots vs. Vikings? what history! the first time a team gets to contest the Super Bowl in their own home stadium!

Doryce: it's gonna be cold? you're asking the wrong marm, i think everything's cold.

Bama: uh, it's gonna snow. but i think it's inside. you know how this is gonna end, right? everyone in purple shirts will be so jubilant they'll forget the Patriots are the ultimate party-ruiners. somehow, someway, the Patriots will win this impossible road game for them. but ma'am, you do remember i got a tennis scholarship, right?

Doryce: but of course! why just this time i was in line that rude Coco chick cut me off and cut me cos she was frantically looking for bananas. a search that proved fruitless. Pat Cash owes me money.

Bama: did you find everything you were looking for today, ma'am? Cocoa Puffs are on aisle...there's just one aisle. along with first-aid bandages for minor cuts. Rite Aid, we carry the best aid.

Doryce: it was a major cut. Major Grand Slam. see i know tennis. a week ago ever since i learned you like tennis. i have a lot of free time, much like a tennis player who retires. the match. congrats to Sukova. Sukova means "suck" in the old country language, trust me on that.

Bama: this is why i need to attend school. i'm happy Halep was able to gut it out. now we'll have a final where one will get their first major and one will be psychologically crushed beyond repair.

Doryce: psychology is modern magic. that Caro, she's a spitfire. she's got her shit together now, all tied up in a neat religious bow. she's gonna do it. this was all to make Rory second-guess his hasty second-guess. it's amazing what revenge can achieve. i read a lot of gossip rags, too. free time. please grant an old lady her dying wish. never change. remain my Bama boy. don't grow your hair out, leave it this short and humble and good-natured and simple.

Bama: but i need to protect my brain. long hair is in again for guys. are you watching the interview now?

Doryce: uh, no. it was never in for guys. don't let the football harden you. don't let the tennis soften you. return to me unchanged by the world. with those rippling muscles in your chin. i want you to come back still full of beef. not full of bull.

Bama: Rennae Stubbs said she wants Halep to sit on her like a chair.

Doryce: i like her. best interviewer. i knew there was a reason i liked her. Rennae, what an exotic spelling of Rennae. i like the cut of her stub.

________________________

CRONES: RITE AID

Sultan was where they trembled on this grey earth. where their souls resided, where they locked. they were inseparable since birth though never related. they were each other's parent, mentor, and priestess. it didn't matter their parentage or stock, it was the two of them, but the two of them, all that mattered on this forsaken rock was the two of them. what they thought, felt, and spoke was but a tip to how they rumbled inside. they wore matching sleeves but not matching vests. they were the grand dames, the grey ladies of this world no one knew about. and there wasn't gonna be a movie. they bumped all the roughs and tumbles this worrisome existence has to offer at every corner, getting more and more frightened with each turn, not through, around and off the cliff, surviving only because they bumped into each other. they needed each other not so much because it wouldn't be the same without the other, it simply wouldn't be life at all. if you were to scrutinize each of their faces you'd see no lines, no wrinkles of abuse or a subtle smash-in of bad decisions. their eyes are relatively still bright after all. no surgery, no makeup, just constant squinting. having a narrow view avoids a lot of problems down the lines. you would come to see them not as old ladies or Bavarian biddies or bloviating bluehairs, but as women of a certain age. a certain ancient age. when you had to live, you couldn't avoid it. i suppose that's the key word here. you took one look at them and recognized just how lived-in they were. how their bodies wiggled with a breadth of life, how their words shook with longevity.

Doryce: WAAAAAAAAAH

Gladyce: yes dear, we're still in WA. where we'll stay. why leave? Washington is so crisp this time of month. the apples are all dead and the pumpkins have dried up.

Doryce: there's enough orange-red in your period blood for a whole new season.

Gladyce: hush you. nature is meant to be silenced.

Doryce: don't discount me out. i'm still revving my engines for a man before i'm through. i've got a lifetime of virgin juice in my briar patch so steep the next hunk i orgasm on will be eternally covered and petrified. it'll come out of his gullet!

they both laugh. they both have penetrating laughs.

Gladyce: speaking of discounts, what's your preferred method of feminine wipe? Carefree or StayFresh?

Doryce: whichever one Bama's holding. now scoot your fat ass over so i can take a look at this miracle white ash. if i miss a snowflake i'll never see another one quite the same again in my lifetime.

Gladyce: you're the one with the fat ass. you're already seated. that's your fat ass!

Doryce takes a moment to wipe off her bespectacles, which are so small they're smaller than her pupils and might as well be contacts.

Doryce: the drug store here is a sham. always taking advantage of what they think are little old fragile helpless defenseless ladies who have just had their insurances dropped and their life savings raided. hiking up the prices in small illegible ticker print. don't they know who we are? we're the greatest generation. the last one there'll ever be.

Gladyce: oh stop your griping. though it is legitimate. that Bama must have a nice butt for football. you're always complaining how you hate it here. we really need to take the young person's advice. smell the flowers, they were here before us.

Doryce: you sure?

Gladyce: well i can't hear that well. take a moment to admire the singing snowflurries of Snohomish.

Doryce: like the song of Dolores.

Gladyce: and Lake Tye Park.

Doryce: THE Park?

Gladyce: Tye Park. so beautiful down there. the waves off the waters sparkle but they're missing something. i wish our park was like that.

Doryce: we got no lake. the only thing our muni park has going for it is that it's local. and Night Burger, have you been there lately?

Gladyce: what? you went somewhere without me?

Doryce: no of course not. i'm asking remember? that place had such character. it was falling apart and had sharp wood shavings sticking out in all the booths. that ethnic man who took your tips. the ceramic little statue man by the cash register. and that beautiful big board menu sign made up entirely of orders written in chalk. two giant flaps which folded out. that thing was so heavy i still don't how they kept it up without it falling on their exposed buttholes. i talked to the manager when they were at the temporary location. handsome fella, Burn.

Gladyce: Bama's brother.

Doryce: he was jiving me all up and down the street how the remodel was gonna blow my vagina off. well the new place looks like a dentist's office. that happens to strangely serve burgers in the waiting room. it is so damn modern with those grey severe corners the antiseptic fumes wafting off their buttholes shut my eyes before they had a chance to be gouged.

Gladyce: how are the new garlic fries tho? i forgot to order them.

Doryce: you should move to Nevada with me.

Gladyce: oh great. oh no, we are not gonna end up a cliché. we are a unique couple of birds. why are you always moving me down south? you salty or somethin'?

Doryce: garlicky.

Gladyce: patience. the bus will be here before we're dead. you packed your food for our picnic? not the picnic food mind you, i'm just talking about your food.

Doryce: yes i got my prescriptions right here by my arm. in a tiny cute white bag like they used to serve drugstore ice cream in. square scoops.

Gladyce: you pop those pills like candy.

Doryce: is ice cream technically candy? oh i hate that bus of ours. i wish the dude would just let us ride the wheelchair access lift once.