STAYING IN THE DREAMWORLD: LIFE IS AN ESCAPE

 

me: i'm feeling vulnerable.

Talia the cat: why does your hair look like a cheese wedge? didn't you say?...

me: yes, i want to stay in the dreamworld.

Talia: oh my friend that is not a good idea. you'll see. that is for people who have the privilege to escape. the rest of us have jobs, families to feed. only artists can be layabouts who do nothing all day.

Jen R: lay is not the same as laze. wait till he does Lamaze.

Cindy: i'm back which means me and Jen are more like your Baltimore twinflame...

me: in my dream i'm a toddler with man legs. i don't know how to walk anymore...

Talia in a Medieval hat: picture the little spoon.........getting lodged on the side of the dishwasher because you didn't turn all spoons, forks, and knives INWARD.

Jen: like you should turn yourself.

Jen: i'm wearing a Medieval hat too but it's a chef's hat for women...

Regular Show: the name doesn't mean anything yet it fits the show perfectly. 

J.G. Quintel: The Lost Tapes is a continuation and a prequel...

Don: how can i be "back" in the prequel?

Red Shoe Diaries: the '90s were a time of abandon.

Karen Black: you can put rollers in my hair and give me glasses, Karen Black is still your mom. The Invisible Kid is if The Toxic Avenger was Rated G...

Jen R: remember those circular laundry baskets in the '80s?

me: that would be my line but my mom did my laundry.

Jen: that's Van Nuys!!! the street opposite the high school in The Invisible Kid is Gilmore Street!!!

watching a free movie: remember, THOUSANDS of people worked on that movie.

Red Dust.

Jean Harlow: a 1970s game show called Match Game where the women wear no bras you say? honey we did that in the '30s and no one batted an eye. at least during Pre-Code. Forever Young, i don't like the sound of that cemetery. why do tigers in 1930s films all speed up like they're on a fast-forward tape?...

Larry from The Three Stooges: thank you!!!

coffee: we make you poo better than prune juice.

Father Navin: if i had known, i would have never served donuts.

Michael Weiss: Instagram is not about memes, it's about checking in on your friends. 

your second-tier Instagram followers: you can't take a powder on a woman once she powders her nose...

Donna Brothers doing the on-horseback interview: your dead grandfather is.........probably listening to you right now from Heaven, what do you want to say to him? i'm retiring, i don't care anymore.

Pepper Ann and So Weird: teens in the '90s were more kind, friendly, hopeful, conciliatory, and nice.

Pepper Ann and Fi: and respectful and full of dreams.

Mackenzie Phillips: and wishful. i did this Disney show at the same time i did a sex scene for The Outer Limits...

college student Cree Summer in Pocahontas powwow robe: we were socially conscious. we were young people who knew the world had big problems and we were willing to try and fix them. at least heal them.

Veronika Słowikowska: i'm continuing in the tradition of the strangely-hot Jewel snaggletooth.

Baylen Dupree: my mom started calling me Tourette's Tits, that's when i knew i couldn't get a regular job, i had to join a TLC reality show.

SC Upstate: SportsCenter Upstate.

Chris Rock on an episode of Fresh Prince: can i just do my stand-up on the show?

Will Smith: i don't trust myself around you when you're up on a stage.

Chris Rock: PLEASE can we call the episode "Slap Happy." it won't be what people think, it'll be about hookers. Carlton's mom becomes a high-priced slapper in Bel Air and the two of us have to save her from the call-girl life.

Will Smith: so she's not out late, so she's there to tuck Carlton into bed at 5PM.

me: there's this man who hates me, owns a restaurant, so i go there and steal 8 of his plates. there's a statewide manhunt, an APB is out for me, every cop in California is chasing me down to get to those plates. i hop from city bus to city bus in Downtown Los Angeles the whole time thinking to myself, well screaming silently to myself, "WHY THE FUCK DID I TAKE THOSE STUPID PLATES?!!!"

Jen: it would have been funner if you were in that episode of Three's Company where Larry's Greek family breaks Jack's plates at the bistro. 

me: i wake up in a pool of night-terror sweat on my bed absolutely PRAISING Jesus that it was a dream, oh what a sigh of relief!!! 

Talia: see? thanks for soaking my twin Freud/Jung dream dictionaries.

Jen: the plates are the emptiness in your life? you're filling your plates with buffet food to see which one sticks.

me: the dreamworld was TOO real for me that time. i wasn't gonna get out of it that time!!! 

Jen: i know what triggered you in the good way. you heard the Air Supply song "Even the Nights are Better" in the buses. that was my doing, that's how i broke the spell.