MATT AND SKYLAR: MIDDLE-AGED MIDDLE MANAGEMENT

 

Skylar is dealing with a bully at Safeway.

Skylar: this is my place of work, not a nightclub.

Aron pointing to his cheek: do you see this sprawling monk beard of mine? i'm sorry, babe, but technically that makes me your manager, you work UNDER me, you gotta do anything i say. hey, i don't write the rules, Thomas Jefferson wrote the Safeway Constitution.

Matt: yeah right, dud. and the Safeway Constitution is in a scroll in a locked vault safe in Joe's shirtpocket.

Skylar: oh thank heaven, hey Matt, an oasis of calm in the chaos. Matt is Lake Tahoe.

now Matt was not known for outbursts like this, he NEVER made a scene. Matt's voice was the low whisper of lifelong pain. his hound-dog face was so forlorn, so morose, it made Eeyore smile.

Aron: stay out of this, Matt, i have glasses, you have an L.L. Bean parka. Skylar, why are you stocking the shelves like you care? like this is your house. you know the Safeway way. we don't carry the good batteries, we don't carry AAs, we carry F batteries. SWEEP UP THIS SHIT!!!

Skylar: Aron, listen to me the way Aron from the Bible listened to his mother's burning bush: we are never going to fuck.

Aron: THE DORITOS TIP!!! 

Skylar: what?

Aron: DO IT NOW!!!

Matt comes in like a ninja, he pokes Aron's nuts HARD with the pole of his broomstick. Aron's balls are on fire. Aron crunches into a heap on the waxed linoleum floor of the Safeway.

Matt: you sweep. stock to your nuts. i'm not a fighting man. i stay in my corner. but you can't dishonor the Dorito. that Dorito triangle on the floor was so tiny it was bigger than your scruffy dick. that's a triangular mote of dust, not the holy Triforce of Zelda.

Jaleel White: watching me host a gameshow is more relaxing than yoga.

I'm Going to Break Your Heart.

Raine Maida: this documentary of our marriage is Once but in real life.

Chantal Kreviazuk: it's The Before Trilogy in real life.

me: seeing private behind-closed-doors couples therapy up close is OVERWHELMING for me because i will never SNIFF having a family of 5 like this.

Melissa Maker: isn't Canada's ice solid?

Chantal: Raine, our love is glacial right now. like this weather.

Chad Reynolds: couples therapy is so Canadian.

couples therapist: you are two musical geniuses, but to me you're just a garbage man and a maid who cleans the barmaid's house.

Raine: careful, doc, whatever you say here will become my song lyrics.

Chantal: the only time people smoke anymore is after sex...

walk-in tub: because a nursing home is too expensive...

Gladyce: the dishwasher farts when it's done.

Australian tennis fans: we ONLY like the Australian Open.

The Lipton Man: i'm a skier. imagine the fresh powder, Mount Everest but instead of the snow and the ice-glacier avalanches the mountain is covered only in iced-tea mix powder...

playing Hearts at theatre camp the summer between 8th Grade and high school: at Age 13 i learned about tricks...

Dr. Robbins filling out the forms, checking the box: there's a sameness to mental illness...

David Lynch: free to think ANY THOUGHT.........even that one...

Michael Weiss: hey don't send me any more of your reels!!! send me money.

Bjork: please rename Iceland Bjorkland. thank you.

Gary Numan: it may be 9AM to you, but it's 3PM to me...

Martin Yan: ain't got time for no sausage sides.

Lady in the Radiator: i'm the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's mom...

Skylar: thanks for this morning.

Matt says nothing. he stays stonefaced.

Skylar: hey can you help me with my checker counter? all of these drawers, which one has the key? which one has the credit-card slidebutton?

Matt: i'm not looking at your top drawer.

Skylar: come on, it's okay to sneak your peek, i'm wearing a very nice '70s brown striped shirt.

Matt: it's the bottom drawer. i have the key. wait let me reach down to reach it. i'm not looking at your bottom drawer, i swear. this damn key is rejiggering as it jangles. THERE, it's open. okay FINE, that took too long, i got a NICE BIG VIEW of your big butt. my nose entered your butt and i smelled your butt. accidentally of course. your butt is INSANE. i want to SQUEEZE your butt like Snuggle the bear's last roll of Charmin toilet paper. 

Saturday Night.

Lorne Michaels: see that fresco painted inside Rockefeller Center above the '70s lime-green lounge carpet? it depicts Fidel Castro handing the nuclear codes to JFK...

Oliver Stone: because JFK won...

Andy Kaufman by a taxi: don't worry, this isn't going to be a layered Jim Carrey performance, it's just me doing silly accents.

Lorne Michaels: Tesla invented the light bulb, Edison invented spaghetti.

Sherry Stringfield: SNL is sketch-comedy ER. i didn't leave Dr. Mark Greene, the train stalled out of frame. typical Union Station!!!

Kaia Gerber: where's Pete Davidson?...

zipper dinner: you can't eat at a nice steak restaurant until your pants are a button-fly...

Michael O'Donoghue: who was the bigger asshole, me or Chevy Chase? my assholery came from being a brilliant writer, Chevy was just a pretty boy. John Belushi was a kind humble genius.

Jim Henson: where did the '60s go? they're already gone? that's depressing. this is my light side, my dark side is Andy Kaufman. Big Bird hung himself in my dressing room because nobody really TALKED to him.

me: this pains me, but i love Jen R more than even YOU IN 1975.

Laraine Newman: should i powder my nose?

David Tebet: Gentile still means something. my last name is a Jewish month.

purchased company: Instagram friends but real. it's lonely on a Saturday night when you're talking to a giant Ticonderoga pencil. 

Hannibal Buress: remember when i was on your show?

Bill Cosby: ...

Hannibal Buress: the '90s show, not the '80s show...

Jack Tripper: Vicky and i had a daughter in Season 4. her name is Halloween Snow. i'm gonna go into the bistro and cry now...

Jen R: i need to get laid.

me: can i help?

Jen R: i'm sorry, "laid" is such an ugly word. a crude word. it doesn't fit. i'm not picturing love, i'm picturing an ostrich egg in a nest of lettuce.

Robbie Mustoe: i was in Sheffield Wednesday football club, does that impress you?

Rebecca Lowe: if you had said you were Wednesday from The Addams Family, THAT would have impressed me. i was goth in high school...

Christopher Walken: honestly DVD was the last great medium, the best medium, the only medium, there didn't need to be any more. i'm an Oscar actor. on the DVD menu you can mute the faint sound of cowbell in the background in every Severance episode...

Go See Cal: the money down is 1st down, not 3rd down. no money down.

Jerry Jones gets up on stage under his own power to accept his Academy Award for Best Actor.

Jerry Jones: the Cowboys suck shit. but i don't care anymore. this Oscar proves i am a better actor than Deion Sanders.

Aron at closing time: Skylar, i used your paycheck for today to pay for my penis bandage. 

Skylar: i get paid on Thursdays, numbnuts, both meanings of numbnuts.

Matt and Skylar outside.

Matt: what's all this?

Skylar: oh, i bought up all the chorizo pepperoni in the store because i know that's Aron's favorite. 3PM. huh. when do you stop working?

Matt: stop working? i can't afford to stop working.

Skylar: you're giving grey vibes. an aura of grey all around. ah, is this it? the famous Mattmobile!!! i see it each morning parked by its lonesome on the way other side of the parking lot in the corner.

Matt: it's just my car. an old broken-down blue Ford pickup truck with a red stripe for a cab door. i'm trying. 

Skylar: i should be going straight to school now from here. but i've lost my drive to succeed. can you give me a drive?

Matt: sure. you live around here?

Skylar: where are you going?

Matt: what do you mean?

Skylar: come on, we both need a vacation from the dead-end black hole of this place. somewhere they don't know us. can't check up on us.

Matt: Tahoe?

Skylar: you read my mind.