MATT AND SKYLAR: KEEP TAHOE BLUE

 

Skylar: we're gonna need snacks.

Matt: good thing we work at Safeway. my truckbed is big enough to hold our Coke. my truck's bed, i don't have a bed in the back of my truck, that would be skeevy.

Matt places a rectangular carton of 12 MINI Coke cans in the back of the truck. that's all that's in the back.

Skylar: what's this?

Matt: oh that's a 30-pound box of Tide detergent i've hooked onto the towing hook. it's my Tide tow.

Skylar: because you never know when you'll need a clean pair of drawers, that goes for both men and women. now let's get the fuck out of here.

on the wet freeway. Skylar driving. Matt in the passenger's cab seat.

Skylar chewing gum and twirling her long hair into curls: you never told me you had a son.

Matt: yeah. he lives in Alabama. or Arkansas. maybe. i don't know. i don't know if i have a son.

Skylar looking both ways before making a left turn: it's just you don't seem like the type of person who would ever have had sex, you know? the mournful loner with the salt-and-pepper hair and grey windbreaker.

Matt: this roadtrip is making me feel happy. it makes me think of my favorite song Smashing Pumpkins "I of the Mourning." play that song on the truck radio.

Skylar: that's a big ask. that's an obscure request. maybe Matt Pinfield will do it for me. yeah that's a road song if i ever heard one. it's about when Billy Corgan came back from college for the first time back to his hometown in the '90s and his street was deserted, everybody had left, abandoned him, his only friend had stolen his bike after cutting the air out of the tires, his prom girlfriend had dumped him, and he's wondering if he made the right lifepath choice.

Matt: that's why i never went to college, i chose instead to work at Safeway for 75 years. i don't want to end up in an attic.

Capp, crying: it's not the depression, it's the loneliness.

Martina Navratilova: tenniscore is women from the 1970s who worked so hard on the tennis court they had armpit stains in their tennis dresses. it's not Zendaya, they didn't give a fuck about their tennis skirts, they wore tennis pants on court. and after a close tiebreak they smoked a Virginia Slims right there on the court, flicking their ashes right into the net.

Chrissie Evert: back then all women were only interested in one thing: how to untangle their tingle.

Marcello Hernandez: somehow, i've become SNL's leading man...

BombPoppie: the other side of suicide is a reset...

Marvin Gaye: what's going on?

bassist: i'm drunk. can i play the song lying down?

Marvin Gaye: groovy bassline tho. sorry, Mick Fleetwood drank the last of the Frank's RedHot.

Frank Sinatra: that was my last bottle. but i didn't want to fight a Wookiee.

I'm Going to Break Your Heart.

Chantal Kreviazuk: let's change up the couples therapy this week, i'll be Jules, you be Greg, let's go for a wild swim...

me: i need my peaceful pair in these times of trouble and turmoil.

Kurt Cobain: okay i'm gonna need one of those acoustic guitars with the Fisher-Price Record Player ridged switches. and an electric zither.

Raine Maida: therapy is boring.

Chantal: i know, let's just write songs. bring the boy to me.

Raine: that made me cry. you can't tell because my tears are frozen. 

Chantal: why do you insist on jumping on a frozen lake?

Raine: i'm mad i never became a hockey player like every other Canadian boy.

Kurt Cobain: remember, you two, music is not about the masses.

Depeche Mode: ...

Kurt: music is about always trying to make "Burnin' for You" by Blue Oyster Cult.

Billy Corgan: but not any of my country and/or solo stuff.

Chantal: you hurt me DEEPLY when you sidestep my process.

Raine: i'm one day older than you, i'm not your boss, i'm not your French father. why are we in a church?

Chantal: the Ingmar Bergman record we're doing, remember?

Roger Goodell: i mean all i really do is give away Super Bowl tickets...

Paul Hogan and Greg Norman are sitting next to each other in the stands at the Australian Open.

Greg Norman: de Minaur's got this!!! he's gonna do what my boy Lleyton Hewitt was too small to do. Marat Safin, where is that guy?

Paul Hogan: everyone in Russia is in prison.

Greg Norman: 2, 2, and 2, what a down-under let-down.

Paul Hogan: me and God are mates. God is a woman.

Saturday Night.

John Belushi: they want to shave my face leaving only my eyebrows. no way, i got into this business to play Fred Flintstone. can i chuck an ashtray at Chevy Chase's head before EVERY show?

Lorne Michaels: i'm not an actor, i'm a newsreader.

Hirohito: the Mickey Mouse wristwatch leaves a permanent ring around your wrist.

Lorne on the phone: okay, Mr. Carson, you take Saturday nights and SNL gets 5 late nights a week, O'Donoghue will LOVE how much more he gets to write. 

Johnny Carson: call me John, not Johnny.

Garrett Morris: did Shakespeare have to wave around a gun onstage?

Rosie Shuster: that shirt is gonna have America licking their TV screens.

Dan Aykroyd: i'm a male strumpet, but only in the '70s. John Belushi is like if the Pope ate only granola. Lorne won't be jealous?

Rosie: the thing with Lorne is when he saw my toilet-paper tits, he only wanted to use the toilet paper.

Laraine Newman: you hurt me, Danny, we could have had something special.

Dan Aykroyd: i'm sorry, i'm too nice to be a comedian, i'm Canadian, we live in the woods to hide from the UFOs...

Chevy Chase: i whacked Uncle Miltie in the nuts with his own cane.

Milton Berle: in his defense, i'm a bigger asshole than Chevy Chase.

Gilbert Gottfried: Milton Berle had a footlong cock.

Marilyn Monroe: best sex i ever had.

Kaia Gerber: impressive but i've seen larger.........Pete Davidson.

Johnny Carson: my big penis is reserved. for Elizabeth Taylor.

Lorne: OH FUCK IT, I'LL LAY THE BRICK MYSELF!!!

Billy Crystal: okay, Lorne, you win, here's my two-minute joke: Will Smith slapping Chris Rock at The Oscars.

Gilda Radner: this ice-ending moment. but also the nostalgia of this moment. i don't want to get sick. i want to have kids with you, John Belushi.

John Belushi: only if i can eat all the Christmas presents.

Rosie: let me put this Prometheus pin that looks like a stuck pig on your lapel, Lorne...

Paul: i don't use a shovel to remove snow, i laid a plastic sheet under all of Earth's soil...

on a date with Honey at The Jesus and Mary Chain concert.

Honey: i thought this band was banned. i only like Nut Cheerios. M&Ms Fun Size pouches: sometimes it's 10 M&Ms, mostly 9 or 8, rarely is it 7...

Casper: the new trashbags look like little ghosts...

Toonami Retro block, 2025:

5PM: The Big O

5:30PM: Cowboy Bebop

6PM: The Vision of Escaflowne

6:30PM: Tenchi Muyo GXP

Kevin Conroy: do you draw Big O on black paper like B:TAS?

Roger Smith: charcoal paper...

Dorothy: Chicken a la King is actually good...

mustard: yellow is a light, not a dark, unless your mustard has seeds...

the new couple arrives at the edge of Lake Tahoe.

Skylar: isn't the Lake BEAUTIFUL?!!! shimmering, crystal, you can't see the beginning or the end...

Matt: very Zen. like all those Zen bumper stickers you put on my truck.

Skylar: blue all around. let's shower.

Matt: okay but i have to bathe in a very specific way for my age.

Matt enters the seafoam-green tile shower of the first bungalow in the forest he sees.

Matt, naked: i sure hope nobody's home. at my age when you take off your shirt you're not checking for muscles, you're checking for big brown splotchy hairy welts.

Skylar gets in the same skinny shower naked.

Skylar: okay here's the test. we're both naked but we talk to each other as if we were clothed. only looking at our eyes. we never turn on the water. save water, keep Tahoe blue.

Matt: you may be distracted by a shower sticker.

Skylar: what shower sticker?

Matt: see that sticker on the tile next to your massive sweaty left tit? oh i guess it's your right tit. i looked at them both to make sure.

Skylar: Later, Fuckers with the alien smoking bud, cute. do you want to wash my pussy out with soap? it's been bad.

Matt: that would break me, my dad told me never to dishonor soap.

Matt: this is how i learned it, you take this hunk of Coast soap here and as you're swirling your armpits with it in a counterclockwise motion you sing YOU'RE NOT FULLY CLEAN UNLESS YOU'RE COASTFULLY CLEAN!!!

Skylar: i'm here for it. who was your dad?

Matt: the Yeti.