the new couple are waiting outside Safeway in the parking lot in Matt's truck like timid gangsters.
Matt: i can't.
Skylar: just talk to him.
Matt exits the vehicle and gingerly opens the automatic sliding doors.
Aron: i have nothing for you.
Matt punches Aron in the face with his broom. Aron's monk beard falls off.
Jen R and me at Safeway, as weekly i'm wearing Mork suspenders, Jen is in full Pam Dawber cosplay.
me: can i roll a plastic bottle of Squirt down the aisle like in the Smashing Pumpkins "1979" video?
Jen R: longer wider aisles here than in a mart.
me: what's the opposite of shit list?
Jen: sugar list.
Jennifer Pizarro in Safeway: that WARM Ned's Bookstore plastic stein you just got out of the dishwasher that you're using again immediately for your next Coke...
in the spirits aisle.
Ichiro: why didn't you vote for me? you were the lone holdout. i woulda been unanimous!!!
Derek Jeter with his hesitant handsome eyes looks at Ichiro.
Derek Jeter: .........fine. let me drink your sake first...
Ichiro: you have anime eyes. you have two glass anime eyes.
Los Angeles: the fires put a damper on things.
Less: not being able to drive a car hampered my life. i was gonna put a hamper in the back seat of my car.
Deen: don't feel alone, bud, i can't be around people. not even at funerals.
psychiatric nurse: we make the best dating-app consultants...
Linda Lavin from Alice: i wasn't Linda Lovelace from Deep Throat who got lucky with this little sitcom about a roadside Phoenix diner i found to go straight with...
Linda Lovelace: let me guess, your husband worked for CalTrans? you're lucky your car broke down on this road or you would have been just another washed-up airport lounge singer.
Linda Lavin: or a porn star who lives SOMEWHERE in Los Angeles...
Linda Lovelace: we porn stars don't live in Los Angeles, we live in Vallejo or Tracy.
Linda Lavin: LAX in the 1970s was the Hare Krishna monastery.
Flo: grits is just corn.
Gladyce: our dishwasher SMELLS!!!
Motoko Kusanagi: ...
Gladyce: don't slide the towel across the tile floor of the Treehouse bathroom after a bath BEFORE you use this same towel to dry your face...
Dirg: why do only psychiatrists follow me on Instagram?...
Bill Gates: your apple, sir? no, your Apple, Siri...
Aron in a heap on the white Safeway floor: chorizo really makes me poo.
Skylar: can i?
Matt: be my guest i guess.
as Aron lightly gets up, Skylar rolls a pack of AA batteries across the length of the unwaxed cereal aisle full of waxy cereals to the other end at Aron's feet. Aron slips on the batteries and falls over again.
Skylar: we DO sell good batteries, Aron!!! you deliberately keep them in the stockroom. people need their vibrators to work, our cucumbers are moldy. because you never change them.
Matt: now we have A batteries. A for Aron. now THAT's the washing of the feet!!!
Skylar: well that was fun. but i'm still on my shift.
Matt: i'll help out.
Skylar: frozen aisle. putting away the dragee.
Matt: what a drag. no no no, wait, move these Jordan almonds to the room-temperature aisle, we're gonna need them in our wedding.........soon...
I'm Going to Break Your Heart.
Raine Maida: why did St. Francis of Assisi flip me the bird at the front of this church?
Chantal Kreviazuk: because he's the patron saint of animals, babe.
Chantal: love is slow.
Raine: okay so when do we renew our vows?
Chantal: only after 75 years of marriage.
Raine: i spray-painted Justin Trudeau's name in red in the snow here, i want him to win after he resigns...
me: it's one thing to find your soulmate. but when you do art with your soulmate...
Jen R: do you know how to sketch?
me: only comedy.
Chantal: kiss me in the snow.
Raine: it's too cold out. we'll kiss in the taxi like that HBO show.
Chantal: are you fucking kidding me right now, Raine? do you see what you have here? are you a stupid idiot? are you that dense? dense like this snowpack? that is so PETTY. you won't have a moment with me? this is a Hollywood film after all.
Raine: i'm going to break your heart.
Chantal: okay you know what, i'm not going to care for you when you get old. i'm still going to be married to you, though.
Saturday Night.
Dan Aykroyd: i'm wearing my strumpet socks.
Laraine Newman: oh, so THAT's what makes you an unrepentant strumpet.
Andy Kaufman: i saved Saturday Night Live, but i couldn't save myself...
Ralph Bakshi: seriously, why is Mighty Mouse such a thing?...
Dick Ebersol: how about an SNL sketch advertising Polaroid? no porn-chic Warhol polaroids, i promise. sorry, Lorne, i understand artistic integrity and everything, but you WILL have to incorporate corporate brands into your sketches eventually...
Lorne Michaels: for you, let's advertise licorice pizza...
Shirley Manson from the band Garbage: California is The Golden State, but curiously, i'm the only person who lives there who has both administered and taken a golden shower.
Alec Baldwin: just use all rubber guns from the start.
George Carlin in his dressing room convulsing: don't worry, it's just a coke stroke. give me some cocaine so i can calm down.
George Carlin: do you know what Saturday Night Live is? it's Lenny Bruce on TV...
Olive Garden: we got rid of the marsala so it would magically reappear on the menu three months later as a Fan Favorite...
Welsh welt: when you can't watch Premier League because you don't have Paramount Plus...
dad: remember when grammar mattered? but that was because i was alive...
Talia the cat: when i meow i sound like a little trumpet.
Spider Sama: sleeping...
Capp: the heartfelt texts are in the EARLY morning...
Greykid the cat: this room doesn't smell like cat, it smells like Maine cat or Palm Springs cat...
Jean-Luc Picard: i've been thinking about you...
promposal: this is the most important thing you will ever do...
Blake Lively: why can't we just make movies with our friends?...
Betty White: give Greenland to the Palestinians, i said that on The Golden Girls, don't let Trump take credit for that idea...
MLK: the fact that the trashmen are working this Friday means that the powers that be don't take my day seriously. i pray these garbagemen get paid double and are in a union. don't boo, vote.
Novak Djokovic: yeah, don't boo me. i won this thing 10 times. when do i get to be a tennis god? why does the world hate me?
Colin Jost: you have a punchable face.
Novak: hey is Scarlett Johansson still hot? i need her to be a tennis cheerleader for me. she can dance her routine on the sideline when i'm playing and then she dances next to me on the court when i'm in my chair reading a book.
Jurgen Klopp: my teeth are THIS WHITE because i ate a lot of marshmallow topping as a kid...
Suzy Lu: my favorite part of KFC? the comeback sauce.
Kakashi: am i making a comeback in your heart?...
Suzy Lu: no, i finished you. Yamcha's my guy now. Yamcha's gonna make a comeback. Yamcha's gonna defeat Frieza by pitching a Spirit Bomb...
Kakashi: at least Boruto is making a comeback.........but only online, not on TV...
Ben Shelton: i have one shirt: sherbet.
Matt: next?
Skylar: the Three Cs: celery, Coke, and chips.
Matt: if you run out of chips at your house eat a pouch of croutons.
Jacques Pepin: crouton.
Matt: that's not really a Fourth C, it's just replacing chips.
Skylar kisses Matt's knee.
Skylar: got ya back.
Matt: hey you like fries?
Skylar: only sardine fries.
Matt: yeah, put sardine fries in the air fryer, they turn out nice and crisp. put hot oil in the air fryer, it works. here let me help you stack these egg cartons, it takes a delicate hand.
Skylar: oh i know all about your delicate hands, studmuffin.
Matt: muffins are bakery shit, Squeaky's weird.
Skylar: i like the same shirt Squeaky wears.
Matt: hey close your eyes.
Skylar: my favorite part.
Matt: and imagine this: a hard-boiled ostrich egg...
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