ANDY WARHOL'S PUBLICIST: THE CONCERTS WE MISSED

 

Andy Warhol: i'm thinking back to that one summer.

Jen R: 69?

Andy: lewd. okay well maybe it was 1969, that was my fertile period. what's your one concert?

Leslie Sbrocco: Vanilla Ice, his first non-Florida event in Mississippi, those were the days. that exciting mix of dance, putting your hands behind your head, shaking your dick, rapping without a mic, and improv lyrics about my mother.

Mackenzie Phillips: for me it was personal. i was a coke fiend and i really needed help. the Wilson Phillips song "Hold On" to this day has saved countless lives, at least 30,000 would-be suicides. by the dulcet tones of my relatives' voices, rhythms, and harmonies. 

the fat one: mostly the lyrics.

Mackenzie: BUT that song didn't work on me because i was related to the singers. how stupid is that? so i dove headfirst into the street sugar in Indianapolis.

me, crying: my dad used to call me Alien. so i'd like to see Victor Wembanyama play live at Madison Square Garden at least once... 

Beyonce: what's the best concert you ever went to?

Andy: Solange Knowles. period.

Beyonce: *smirking* oh behave.

Mordecai and Rigby: if you're losing hope, if you think the only thing the country cares about anymore is how masculine you are, picture us getting a box of boba at Costco, THIS is the world you want to inhabit...

Jacques Pepin: if i knew swordfish was to be my last-ever dish, i'd've given that swordfish nose to Gene Rayburn to play with instead of that stupid little silly thin microphone.

Gene Rayburn: the nose of a swordfish is called the bill. can i call you Pepper? i was light on my toes, i coulda been an Olympic fencer...

Arsinee Khanjian: i am to Atom Egoyan what Isabella Rossellini was to David Lynch...

Mr. Kotter: if the Knicks win rename them the Kotter Knicks. i'm wearing my urban gritty mean-streets Walt Frazier fedora from Bonnie and Clyde as i play blacktop basketball at Rucker Park.

Boom Boom Washington: you'd look better with a headband, dude, white with red herringbone...

Charles Barkley: as part of the Knicks pregame i went out into the mean streets and sampled some of New York City's finest world-famous street meats.

Ranger Rick: that's raccoon. but a little white rice, a little white sauce, and it tastes like chicken.

Charles Nelson Reilly: in 1973 i was a serious actor doing SeaWorld specials with porpoises and cute summer-job girls in wetsuits. the girls like the wetsuits were slick. i was a man who didn't joke on Match Game...

Trading Places: in the '80s rich people's stuff looked like Fisher-Price toys: the car phones, the jacuzzi tub, those cute little flowers in suction vases sticking to the Rolls Royce's windows...

if you're a dude: you have a beard. that's it.

Match Game: the BLANK is always a cock.

Charles Nelson Reilly: do you know why i wear no socks? i do commercials for Macy's...

Brett Somers: do you know why you have no cock? because you wear no socks.

Charles, crying: and do you know why i visit you in the sanitarium? because i'm lonely.

Brett: because the nurse won't give you dinner in your room.  

Charles: i have to eat with the others, what a crock!!!

Danke Schoen: a German Foot Locker.

Andy Warhol: i don't know, man. i am so tired. i'm trying to do art that matters again, that haters hate again, but it's not happening. my art sucks, i suck, and my life sucks.

Jen R: but you're not gonna kill yourself, right? that is so cliche.

Andy: no, but. can you believe i'm never gonna fuck Michael Jackson? i need to get away...

an hour later Basquiat calls from the street below, he shouts at us as we're all leaning out the high-rise Factory window.

Basquiat: Andy's in the hospital.