WEDDING PRACTICE: NO CHOCOLATE AT A WEDDING?

 

me: what are we doing for wedding favors? 

Jen R: can i say little baggies of pot?

me: no but i like the little baggies part.

Jen: little baggies of Tootsie Roll Pops!!! like 2 lollipops in a bag i guess. you know what i discovered recently?

me: i hate the chocolate Tootsie Roll Pops.

Jen: right? they're redundant. nobody eats the chocolate Tootsie Roll Pops, i usually put them in a BIG bag and stash them in the cupboard lost forever. but yesterday i bought a bag at Safeway and there was not ONE chocolate pop!!! the FBI is finally listening to us.

me: are you sure it wasn't a Fedco?

Kara Swisher: on my new CNN show Kara Swisher Wants to Live Forever i'm riding a motorized bicycle without a helmet to show that it's safe but more importantly the theme song's gonna be "Tomorrow" by Silverchair changing the lyrics to I wanna live forever...

Anderson Cooper: the Iranian Guard is like what the Indianapolis Colts were to Tom Brady during Deflategate...

Match Game: it is every '70s housewife's dream to kiss Fred Grandy.

Fred Grandy: i used to be cool until i ran for Congress.

Gary Kroeger: i BARELY lost to him in Iowa.

Fred Grandy: the '70s were all about house parties on boats...

Barbie: i had a creepy face when i debuted. i was like if Wilma Flintstone had angry eyes that were real.

Father Navin practicing the wedding homily: Stars Hollow has no police. let us all aspire to be Stars Hollow...

Guy Fieri catering the wedding: my middle name is Ramsay because i was BORN to be a food guy!!! i shouldn't be from Ohio, i should be from Florida, i'm the original Florida Man.

me: and what for the appetizer before the big salad?

Jen: for me or the guests? oh. chicken noodle soup, why water-down a classic?

me: WITH chicken nuggets? isn't that too much meat?

Jen: we want our wedding drapes to be PORKY after the dancing is through.

Meals on Wheels catering the wedding: no one eats the soups...

at the ring ceremony to the wedding.

Gollum: ring not rigged...

Lord of the Rings: if you like this, you won't be receiving a wedding ring in your life...

Frodo and Sam: no rings for us. we're not gay, it's one of those British male heroic friendships. 

Frodo: if anything i'm SAM'S gardener...

Olive Oyl: Popeye, why don't you have your Popeye arms anymore?

Popeye: i got spinach in my teeth. i got embarrassed. i really love your 1930s design, Olive, you're sexily slim.

Olive Oyl: i still love you, Popeye. i still love hugging you. even if my arms are bigger than your arms now.

Mary Ann Caliento: i play tennis on a island, emotionally and physically. tennis is a solitary sport, and there's only one tennis court at the back of my apartment complex...

Mary Ann: the Encino Hills are themselves an island. i'm moving in this colander i got at Fedco today into my place.

Disneyland: as long as your family hasn't left you...

Philip Bump: i need a bump of cocaine to navigate Washington these days.

Rudy Giuliani: if i had just been the nominee instead of Trump, i'd still be normal today.

Learner Tien at Indian Wells: i may still live with my parents, but i SCHOOLED Ben Shelton whose girlfriend isn't that hot.

Joe: did you wake up with a cup of coffee? why scientists say that is a bad idea.

me: and for the cake? 

Jen: get this, THREE Philadelphia Cream Cheesecakes!!! stacked. 3 of those pies on a totem.

me: that is DECADENT which is why i love it. but you know, i'm not really into cream cheese.

Jen: not even in eggs? Blanche's eggs? get your jawn together, man.

me: what is a jawn exactly?

Jen: it's like the elbow, right?