THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA THAT NEVER WAS: SPAGHETTI COMBINED

 

Jen R: wait, i recognize that woman under the damp shower cap.

me: the lunch lady? all lunch ladies look the same, it's the dull lighting in all grey school cafeterias.

Jen: no it's Kody Cobain!!!

Kody Cobain: the gig is up. she says spitting a fly out of her mouth. please don't tell my brother i'm here.

Jen: you're the lunchlady?

Kody: i can be incognito here. valued for my food, not my name. but i'm gonna lose my job.

Kurt: how come?

Kody: because i can't make a pasta to save my life. one worthy of the kids. my spaghetti is slipshod with the whites and the reds on top, plain as a grey day.

Kurt: a plain plane. there's gotta be a way to make it spicy.

Mr. Pibb: actually a better-tasting cherry cola than Cherry Float Coke...

James Van Der Beek: well, i'm waiting for Katie Couric to arrive here so we can have that sex dream.

Alfonso Ribeiro: dance with me, Jim, it's all over now!!!

Katie Couric: i think it's time i go back to Today. it's okay for men to cry.........REAL tears...

James Van Der Beek: when i cry it's more like a puppy coughing. i actually looked good in a Wes Anderson mustache...

Bud Cort: i was the Wes Anderson vibe before Wes Anderson...

Dr. Dre: there would be no Dr. Dre without Dr. Seuss.

Rollie Wesen enters Jacques Pepin's house and takes a swing at Jacques's mantel with his baguette.

Rollie Wesen: you French faggot.

Jacques Pepin: come on, man, that was my menagerie. 

Sylvia Plath: you made me cry the same tears TWICE!!!

Jacques: you shattered my tiny little glass mongoose.

Rollie: i don't get it, is mongoose your signature dish?

Jacques: sure, you never heard of mongoose l'orange?

Boyz n the Hood: nuthin' better than this fine-ass movie.

Emma Raducanu: that's it?

Boris Becker: gimme a break, ma'am, i'm a Boris bro, they put me in a tiny jail cell and threw away the key, i had no privacy, my penis shrunk from fear.

ice sprinter: she's bleeding.........time...

Dan Barefoot: skeleton sliders are soldiers, they CRASH into a nice soft foam spongy bed mattress at the end of their run. barefoot and pregnant...

Chloe Kim: as i go through the undulations of a halfpipe, i picture myself being with Myles Garrett, ya feel me, ladies?

Katarina Wittich: witch, yes. but i'm a good witch, you can tell by my white hair. i'm a witch that deals in the nervous system, with the evolution of thought, not cheap spells.

House of Pain: now that the Boston accent is fading, are you able to understand our song "Jump Around" now?...

autism: or on YouTube when you have a dialogue scene where the two characters are played by the same person at the same time...

Jacques Pepin: look, let me show you.

Kody Cobain: oh wow, i got a real casanova in my life for the first time.

Jacques: a casanova MUST have an accent. and be an adventurer NOT in his hometown.

Bud Cort: and wear a Bud Cort coat.

James Van Der Beek: and have James Van Der Beek hair, James.

Kurt Cobain: we need help with the spaghetti, Jerry.

Jacques: right. so instead put ALL the ingredients in a big glass bowl.

Morgan from that cooking cook: notice how all the ingredients are in glass fingerbowls, that's so the home audience can see the food!!!

Kurt: do it for the kids, Pepe!!!

Jacques Pepin: right. high school kids? well combine the dark-green basil leaves from my frontyard garden and the shaved goatsmilk cheese and the honey peppercorn and the sauce, FOLD the sauce into the noodles so you're left with a BIG-ASS BALL, a red spaghetti ball sprinkled with stuck Roman cheese.

Kody: i'm gonna serve THAT BALL at lunch to curry the kids' favor.

kids: we want curry.

Jacques: the only drawback to your snack is your bowls are gonna be messy...

Jacques Pepin: and once again i prove that a Frenchman does Italian cooking better!!!