MARY ANN'S TENNIS TOWER: CAN THE SMELL OF PIZZA BE TOO MUCH?

 

dad is having a serious conversation with Mary Ann out back on the court.

Mary Ann: Mr. Me i really think your son has what it takes to go pro. i've seen Andre Agassi change in the Wimbledon dressing room, he's a weeny.

dad: it's just, i think the kid has a lot going for him, you know?

Mary Ann: yeah that's the thing, he'd have to give up college.

dad: not that he was gonna get into Princeton four-years-free because he was my son, Princeton conveniently dropped doing legacy hires after Ryan O'Neal got too big after Love Story...

me: i have no shame, i want a free ride, book or ball.

Sidney Crosby waking up to a glacial hospital bed: our Miracle on Ice was when Canada upset Antarctica...

Boyz n the Hood: but why was the decision made to let the boy live in the hood?

pops: a boy doesn't need to be a man, a boy needs his mother. 

Reva: you cute, Furious. 

Laurence Fishburne: that's the reason i did Ike Turner to your Tina.

Angela Bassett: cafe au lait with moms in my 100-story Downtown L.A. Red Shoe Diaries bank skyscraper...

Gene Rayburn crying frustrated tears: shoulda called Match Game The Loony Bin.

Jen R: okay we're in your kitchen, what's the big whoop?

Mary Ann: notice anything about the food?

Jen: Meals on Wheels paper beige trays: moussaka, bran cream, Fish Veracruz...

Mary Ann: see? you don't have to eat it all.

me: Fish Veracruz is tasty but looks disgusting. i wanna go to Tijuana for a book...

Jen: it's not moussaka unless the eggplant has lamb. got any eggplant sandwiches?

Mary Ann: this is my, uh, roommate.

Gladyce: see what i did with the chip bags in the cupboard? i put a chip clip on the bag even when it's not opened yet. 

Jen: saves time. always put a blue clip on the Cool Ranch Doritos.

Mary Ann: don't eat ALL of this sand-colored ice cream sandwich that's a huge fish. nip at it, nibble at it like a fish.

Jen: red bean paste? how can red beans taste like raspberry jelly?

Andre Agassi: i stole Pete Sampras's koi fish. i was mad that no one was respecting Las Vegas.

Pete Sampras: and then a year later there were fish as one of the slot symbols.

Major Lazer: see what we're doing here at the Olympics? we can do this at the UN, too!!!

Jack Hughes: i'm Billy Corgan with no teeth.

Billy Corgan: and hair as i played "Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness" on my junkyard piano...

Mike Eruzione: yeah i'm that guy from Monsters, Inc....

Ranger Rick in Alaska: Triscuit is short for electric biscuit. Electric Biscuit was a '70s children's show...

SuperBeets: you would not use the word arterial in natural conversation...

Lizzie McGuire: i had the best dad. he was kind, calm, and goofy because his brother sexually asphyxiated himself.

Hallie Todd: silent smirks between us as husband and wife because we knew.

Keith Carradine: not a Carradine Curse. rather, Carradines caring too much...

David Carradine holding a green hourglass bottle of soy sauce at sunrise: the spirit of kung fu heals all mental wounds. if you look, i actually was the best SNL host, i danced like a shinobi on that stage...

Meals on Wheels: imagine an ETERNAL RECESS of half-pints and half-pints and half-pints of green Clover milk that never ends.

Jen R: but you need a milk card. i got a hole punch in my pocket...

luggage carousel at an airport: it's infinity-shaped, think about it...

Tom Hanks: ...

Kelly Osbourne: i don't look like a dead body, i look like my mother. everyone had a crush on me when i was fat!!!

Mike Tyson: Mayweather-Pacquiao rematch in 2026?!!! what the fuck is the point of that?!!! it should be ILLEGAL to box if you're over the age of 35...

the '90s: life was smaller back then, more intimate.

ankh: discovered by Madonna in the '80s...

Salesforce: what if you were a cute woman with THOUSANDS of freckles on your face? agentic? 

freckles: it would have to be an Argentinian woman...

Felix da Housecat: Tom & Jerry in house form.

Jonathan Livingston Seagull: it was tough flying through that X-ray section...

Evans joins us as we make the perilous cross from Mary Ann's shade place with ferns on the outside to the corner-mall Little Caesars for our mid-practice lunch.

a Mazda almost runs us all over.

Mazda: zoom zoom, you motherfucking kids.

Evans: pizza is worth it tho. the pepperoni reminds me of my hair. 

Jen: but no hair in the pizza, right?

Evans: no, The Noid wears bunny ears as his hairnet. the pizza comes like a leg in a cool sleeve. like how i wear long-sleeved plaid grunge shirts on court.

The Noid in a Little Caesars toga and green visor serves us at the counter. 

The Noid: you've come on a lucky day!!! we have Tavern Pizza!!! this pizza will make you think you're in Medieval times.........when the portions were SMALL.

Evans: i'm sorry my good man but we pass. we came here on a mission.

Jen: yeah we gotta honor our tennis teacher.

The Noid: right, Mary Ann Caliento, who vomited all over this counter after eating one bite of our ham pizza.

Evans and Jen: one ham pizza please.

me: do i have to? i can't turn away Medieval food!!!

the three of us eat the WHOLE ham pizza and vomit all over the Little Caesars countertop in tribute to our beloved Mary Ann.