FRIZZY HAIRCUT: SHAVER SAVIOR SURFER

 

Jen R: what is the purpose of a friend?

me: a friend?

Jen: a friend is someone you tell your troubles to.

this was wisdom on the beach.

Jen: let's go surfing. 

me: i'll stick with the sticky sand in my toes.

Jen: well we'll have a gladiatorial movie between us then. 

my eyes bug out. i IMMEDIATELY run into the ocean!!!

Jen: oh shit it's the big one.

i dive deep underwater, i'm possessed, in a trance, but Nine Inch Nails "The Great Below" is NOT playing in my head. i spot what i think is an electric jellyfish.........it's an electric razor.

i fish the clunky razor out from between two kelps before it has a chance to sink out of reach...

Jen: you're a hero. do you know the DAMAGE an electric razor can cause to the ocean bottom?!!! 

me: it's a sign. from where i know not of. free the floor!!! 

Jen: that electric razor was still ON!!! 

me: i think i might have thrown my buzzing electric razor in the sea as a sign that i was letting my hair grow out and my beard get unruly.........it's okay, i just made amends for that right now.

Jen: join me in celebration as we sing just the two of us "Joy To The World."

me: Christmas, sadly, is over.

Jen: no the cool folk-rock version.

fishes in the deep blue sea: our joy is expressed by our third milky eye that doesn't blink...

fishes in the deep blue sea: we're embarrassed to tell anybody this but our eyes get watery when we're out there swimming...

blanket: not for cold, for protection...

Toto: hold the line, love isn't always on time, whoa whoa whoa. unless you're making love on a train. hold the line, love doesn't always choose sides, whoa whoa whoa. unless it's divorce court, whoa whoa whoa.

The Charismatic Voice: i was going through a bad breakup. so i hopped up on anti-depression meds and took my mom to Disneyland.

mom: smell the flowers, sad sack.

The Charismatic Voice: there are flowers in Disneyland?

mom: it ain't over till the fat lady sings.

The Charismatic Voice: i understood that only because i'm an opera singer.

mom: well, luckily for you all your fat is in your tits, from that you'll attract another man, marry Ryan Gosling, and start a billion-dollar YouTube singing-science enterprise. 

The Charismatic Voice: mouth science, mother.

mom: when audiences rain flowers down on your head after your aria, don't sniff them, the pollen will damage your vocal chords, look out for that, missy. other than that, yeah, i mean you're a real redhead!!!

ProZD: an Asian online like me shouldn't be this successful in life...

wife: ZD?

ProZD: Zero Dick.

wheelchair: the skateboard of the bike. skate culture.

Father Navin in a car touching the radio: don't mess with my priest presets!!!

Band Aid: ironically, the name fit, ALL the money from that concert was at best a band-aid over the systemic problems of poverty in Africa.

Bob Geldof: Band Aid every year. my name sounds like a wizard.

Walker: i'm one big walking tan in faded jeans.

tennis: we're always spoken about in REVERENT terms on sports shows, never as the daily scandal. that says something about our beautiful sport.

Jennifer Lopez: i'm the soccer mom of The Weather Channel...

Broly: Yu-Gi-Oh on the anabolics.

Entenmann's: EXTREMELY difficult word to spell. spelling-bee word. those tiny little chocolate donuts you forget about five minutes after eating them. we invented the see-through donut box!!!

the Stussy S: seahorse.

Roger Ebert: do you blame me for walking out on Mediterraneo? the concept offends the senses. by the way, islands aren't that great.

Carnival Cruise ships: have fun again in 2026. don't iPhone ANY of the fun you're having on our boats!!!

Shaq and Monty Python: also known as a pleasure vessel.

Stella: i should have been the couple's dog in a Red Shoe Diaries story...

Jen R: i don't know about you, but after a long hard day of surfing, i need to relax with a Super Bowl.

me: the sweat pouring down your chin onto your board?

Jen: your girlfriend works at Safeway, let's eat for free!!!

me: i wish Liza was my girlfriend. she drives by my house each morning!!! she knows where i live!!!

Liza: and what are you two lovebirds munching and sipping on this afternoon?

Jen: don't start. with him. excited for the Super Bowl?

Liza: yes. but as you can see, i'm working on a Sunday...

Jen: idea: have a 2000-INCH television screen in the middle of the grocery store!!! rotating for all the shoppers to gaze at the screen as the Super Bowl game is going on.

me: that's an aisle hazard. people would slip on their celery not watching the road as they drove their carts.

Liza: would you mind writing that IN PENCIL on a suggestion card?

Jen: these beige cards remind me of library cards.

Liza: i was deep into Ramona.

Jen: no the Dewey Decimal System library cards...

Liza: the party's almost here, would you mind getting the case of V8 Bloody Marys out of the back of my van?

as i lug the 50-pound case of silver-bullet cans of spicy vegetable juice on my scoliosis brace-fixed back i have just enough strength to turn my sweaty red open face to where Jen the painter is pointing my attention.

Jen: check this out, Liza has a bumper sticker that's Smokey the Bear with RESIST under him. Liza's so cool.