FRIZZY HAIRCUT: THAT FOURTH MONTH

 

Jen and i are at church. in the front pew.

me: look at my hair.

Jen R: i THINK you need a haircut. but i'm not sure.

me: i'm becoming sick of shaving it off every three months, it's such a pain. today is the first day of my FOURTH month letting my shaggy messy fro-y hair grow out.

Jen: i'm scared of what your beard will become.

me: it ITCHES like a motherfucker!!!

we spot Kurt Cobain in the middle pew.

me: what up man.

Kurt: i'm gonna investigate the father's private quarters, the confession he gave me this morning just doesn't sit right.

Jen: what was his advice?

Kurt: he said if i dyed my hair blueberry-blue all my sins would be cleansed.

Jen: i mean a priest drunk on altar wine is just a Monday.

i step in the confessional. the booth is hot. Father Navin is perkier than normal. his eyes are completely bugged out.

me: hi man. okay show me the cut-finger trick with the Irish buzzer-whistle once more, it calms me.

Father Navin: Jesus told me you need a haircut and a job.

me: should i cut it off? it's such a pain to shampoo all the time.

Father Navin: wait.........wait a year...

Tokyo Revengers: this is your life. just plug in Gina for the girl.

B movie: filming the end of a movie is always the worst part, it's so boring...

Toxie: oh come on, why couldn't i have been in The Goonies?...

Toxie: okay i'll take Napoleon Dynamite before it's too late!!!

The Toxic Avenger: Aerobics Classes $1?

Martinelli's: apple juice for adults.

Alex Honnold: see i copied Captain Kirk climbing El Capitan but this was in the future so actually Captain Kirk copied ME because he saw me do it in the past...

Spock: is it really free-soloing without a net Flying-Wallendas-style if you have me in rocket boots ready to catch you?

Nic Cage: the reason my hair looks so good in Con Air is because i used an '80s Conair blow dryer.

Robin Williams: i had the very distinctive look of playing doctors with bushy beards. nowhere in the history of man and art do you see doctors with bushy beards like that...

Paul George: that's rough, man, i took that illegal medicine for my mental health, man...

Drake Maye: i'm not ignoring you, avoiding you, i really have a cold shoulder. my shoulder tingles on top like it's Melissa Maker visiting Chilly Willy. the strangest soothing sensation, Ben-Gay naturally being produced in my body, imagine if you will my shoulder having an enema...

Bad Bunny at the Super Bowl: i'm gonna be free-soloing it out there...

Cash Cab: After Dark: not risque, it's just Ben Bailey riding his NYC cab at night...

black tea: you're drinking a secret island poultice of a dark magic herb. black tea is the coffee of tea.

taro: Vaporwave boba. jicama juice.

Tokyo Revengers: we're tough bad-boy gangsters but we still have sense enough to wear masks during covid.

Jen R: in order for me to stop channel-surfing i need a channel ABOUT surfing...

Suzy Lu: downhome no-makeup pink-pajamas look from now on, this is the way to react to ALL anime episodes on YouTube. after all, who puts on a dress to watch cartoons?!!!

pork n beans: i mean next time actually include the pork...

Alexis Ohanian: who says nothing good happens at Waffle House?...

Kurt breaks the door down into Father Navin's private room at the back of the church with just his side.

Kurt Cobain: nice view, i've never seen THESE bushes before.

Father Navin: check my phone, it was an honest mistake.

Kurt: why is your home phone an office phone?

Kurt pushes his three favorite buttons and the message plays back in tape:

"*tone* we're sorry, your number cannot be completed as dialed..."

Father Navin: i thought i was ordering priest collars. not S&M collars. 

Kurt: but why call a 900 number?

Father Navin: 900, the year the modern Church was founded...

Kurt: look at this long blond Christ hair, you ain't foolin' nobody.

Father Navin: why couldn't i have been Father Nirvana?

Kurt: why instead of a bathroom do you have a urinal in your bedroom?

Father Navin: the Pope figured this was a way to steer priests away from the life of a toilet trader.

Kurt: come on, man, you REALLY need a vacation. from everything you have ever known. let's go see Koyaanisqatsi.

Father Navin: that movie is blasphemous. let's see Boyz n the Hood, Laurence Fishburne was so hot in that. or Skullduggery, my Canadian priests are not doing so well up there. believe me, if you can't have sex, Dungeons & Dragons is the next best thing.