ANGIE IN VEGAS: TIC TACS AND CIGS

Debralee Scott: you wanna vacation in NYC?

Bart Braverman: definitely not. you wanna vacation in Vegas?

Debralee: no. we're both sick of our places.

Bart: two played-out places. how about a happy compromise?

Debralee: roller skating!!!

Bart: of the two of us only you are hot enough to do roller derby.

Debralee: i'm a woman in dire need of NOT needing kneepads when i suck. it's the '70s, you know? burn your kneepads!!!

Peter Pan: i cheat at astral projection, i use my body...

Elizabeth Montgomery: i was not gaslighting on Bewitched. witches were forced to gaslight because men couldn't accept our magic. i wiggle my nose something fierce. i wriggle my nose like a fatherfucker. i can't stop wrinkling my nose because i'm hooked on cocaine. i need help, i have a problem, and my mother just mocks me.

Endora: nice name for a cat...

Darrin: i was hooked on the good powder, too, i thought i was someone else...

zhuzh, don't judge.

7-Eleven: our stuff comes in the non-scary non-pharmacy white paper sleeve bags...

the two greet Charles Nelson Reilly at the roller rink with the lights out in mid-swing, Charles SWINGS ROUND AND ROUND AND AROUND like a mad bandit on the wood planks cutting his hand on the rusted gold railing to stop suddenly. 

Charles Nelson Reilly: fuck me. that hurts like a motherfucker. hi you two!!! have you seen my gold chain? i dropped it in the urinal.

Debralee: i gotta say, man, you look COOL out there!!! 

Bart: in that cowboy shirt, brown vest sweater, and SKINNY jeans, my man, have you lost weight?

Charles: yes but that's not a good thing. oh i love shaking my TINY little gay tushie out there, i roller like nobody's business. my skates run on pure liquid cocaine.

Debralee, cheeks rosy like her hair in the fractured rainbow disco light: you know seeing Charles SPIN like that reminded me of my dishwasher at my apartment, wanna check it out?

Bart: i could use a good rinse.

after much avoiding stepping on ferns later...

Bart: oh wow, that's a nice unit!!!

Debralee: thank you. i bet you never noticed the top rack.

Bart: what do you mean?

Debralee: the spinner at the bottom of the dishwasher spritzes out water like a lawn sprinkler, like a Slip n Slide. but there's a TINY spinner of water below the TOP rack that no one ever notices...

Bart: i'm gonna make a concerted effort to pay more diligent attention to your words from now on.

PBS: do you want your local story about people who aren't famous, people you don't know, to be given 10 minutes of precious VHS tape?!!!

Fancy Feast: the sound of an incoming message on your phone...

Bobby Driscoll in an underground restaurant: make ALL art indie.

Buddha: when it's the last week in January, it's icy-blue in the sky outside, but the temp is -30, sun shining BRIGHT, you get snow-blindness on the nape of your neck: sunburn.

Law & Order: we stole our block lettering from Re-Animator...

Weyoun: why do morgues have locked doors?...

Oscar the Grouch: you drape garbage bags over the corpses? that is so disrespectful.

Wendy Crewson: the real fantasy is a good-looking woman in a Dungeons & Dragons group so invested in her Dungeon Master's scenario...

Game Master: the devil will give you 10 gold pieces if you take your clothes off...

Wendy Crewson: and i'm a nurse, nurses aren't really into D&D, you know?...

Kurt Cobain: have you ever smoked a cigarette while playing Dungeons & Dragons in a group? the Dungeon Master of your D&D club is your high-school English teacher who never smiles and treats this like it's school. why would two frat bros be in this club?...

me: i missed that before!!!

Jen R: right? that scene flew right over your small head as a kid.

me: the D&D boy pointing his finger into Elliott's mom's butt in E.T.

Dee Wallace: you can only get 40-year-olds!!! as if that's a bad thing. the young women are the bad women!!! they got nothing to offer!!! when will these young boys realize that they yearn for their mommies in their wives? seasoned doesn't just season the Jiffy Pop on the stove.

Jen: and the existential take on Dungeons & Dragons: you can't win this game, it's like life, you can't win life.

Trump: i'm a bad movie you're forced to watch. i'm you being forced to watch Battlefield Earth and having to do a deep dive of it on YouTube...

Charles Rocket: Charlene Tilton wasn't THAT hot...

Debralee takes Bart by the hand and gingerly rolls him onto the skating rotunda as their skates are loose in their bare feet like butter.

Debralee: nice and easy, chief. here, take the mini-spray of cinnamon Binaca out of my jeans buttpocket and spray it in my mouth.

Bart: a reverse Gene?

Debralee: Rayburn is getting way too frisky, he's gonna get tripped up. i'm gonna kiss you. i like taking the lead. in kissing and rollerdancing.

Bart: now i get it, you like telling firemen what to do, that is hot. i feel your dynamic.

Debralee puts two cigarettes in her mouth and lights them with her Binaca spray, giving one to Bart.

Bart: Virginia Slims, classic.

Debralee: have you ever smoked a cigarette while rollerskating?

Bart: sure, my people do that all the time. to forget the past of tears.