ROAD TO LINDY: RICHARD JENI MEETS MICHAEL JACKSON

 

Lindy Lenz: Richard Jeni is just about to jump the Neverland Ranch fence.

me: sometimes cars are good.

Michael Jackson: greetings, Jedi. i was foretold by me that you'd come here just now.

Richard Jeni: sorry for being the fence hopper, i know you like birds. i haven't been myself lately. my head is all over the place.

Michael: that is my life, too. without the voices. 

Jeni touches both of Jackson's shoulders turning him around.

Richard: listen friend, no hard feelings? it's just showbiz. i don't mean those demeaning jokes i tell about you, the stupid Jay Leno audiences are so simple they laugh at that stuff.

Michael: i get it. of course not. i love you as a brother, Rick. i know, i look like a Halloween costume all year round. don't do anything stupid, man. you know? i mean if I'M sticking around with MY mess, you have no excuse. just passing along the advice Marilyn Manson gave my daughter.

Richard: another man who's a Halloween costume all year round.

Michael: let's talk more after we ride the Ferris wheel with Oprah.

Han Solo: if you don't know what the word perfidy means, you shouldn't be fucking with Snoke, who's just a Jim Henson Muppet reject.

Kylo Ren getting rid of his wide weight: okay, pop.

Snoke: i flubbed my audition for the Saturday Night Live Muppets...

Trancers.

Jen R: the shirtless barechested '80s man in bed the morning after peeking under the covers with chagrin on his face to see if he was or was not wearing underwear...

Richard Stahl: looking under the hood.

the bums push Hap into the firing circle: it's a bum-eat-bum world.

Hap Ashby: i'm hapless. but i'm not helpless.

Hap: i want to ride my Akira scooter with the lady.

Jack Deth: why?

Hap: it'll be lighter.

Akira scooter: maximum capacity of 56 pounds.

Chinatown: we used to be the YMCA...

long second: when she doesn't text back...

Big League Chew: your Little League athletic cup from the '80s could catch a bullet.

Alfred from Batman: my final heart attack came from seeing Master Bruce on a date with Catwoman, not somebody crashing my front window to pieces.

Helen Hunt: why does every closet look like the one from Halloween?...

Alfred: a closet has vented doors to let out the STANK from your clothes, miss.

Chinatown: where you get those BIG soy-sauce packets...

Jack Deth: i had a wife. you're prettier than she was.

Helen Hunt: actually say the words "I love you" to me.

Jack: i can't.

Hap: a baseball was thrown hard at my mouth. messed up my teeth like Cassie from Skins. UCLA summer drama camp in the '80s. i don't want you seeing my butt tattoo of Monroe Ficus. can i get a spongebath from the blond SquarePants?.........wait i said that wrong...

AquaVelva: not vodka...

Jen R: the ol' belt-on-the-zipline trick...

B movies: is it a B movie or is it just dumb?...

Jack Deth: why did you stay with me?

Leena: i wanted to fuck the father on Everwood...

Jen: this is what i want for you.

me: me?

Jen: you're handsome enough to be the leading man on B movies...

Cindy Snow: wait, i never actually met Terri Alden.........except on that San Diego Zoo tram...

Madonna: it's not Borderline personality disorder...

Jack Lord: that's God's real name.

rice: only when it's orzo...

Jim Curtis: i look like Brad Pitt...

Jennifer Aniston: yes, and i'm working through that in therapy. but you're a hypnotherapist so you can help me forget that i smelled Gwyneth Paltrow's pussy with that candle.

butter knife: that steak knife you don't use...

Red Bull: can you actually open a Red Bull can with one hand using only your thumb?...

Microsoft: hack your own computer to get the password.

Melchior: Excalibur dipped in melted butter.

Teen Titans Go: our characters have the same cynical eyes as Family Guy...

Crutch: so Tracy Morgan is gonna try the Cosby Show thing again, let's see how it goes this time...

Zohran Mamdani: this campaign had electricity. affordable electricity.

winter: it's not winter until you get bags under your eyes...

Eye Luggage sucking a peppermint stalk: ...

trashman Super Mario on rounds: is that poo powder or souvlaki slivers?...

Luigi: Greek meat.

Super Mario: either way i don't wanna know...

Ann Elder: if Sharon Stone were her own hot grandmother...

Tom Brady: now i know what you're thinking. i am God but i am NOT a clone. the proof? my pretty mouth is incapable of inflating footballs. the same mouth i used to kiss Bridget Moynahan. 

Tom Brady's dog: i'm Tom Brady's dog. i'm not a copy because i'm the one alive now...

Richard Jeni caresses Michael Jackson's face with no fear.

Richard Jeni: listen buddy, you got anything for sleep?

Michael Jackson hands him a bottle of white stuff.

Michael Jackson: creamy.

Richard: don't tell me this is your...?

Michael: they call it in the underground medical community "Milk of Magnesia..."

Richard: i've been meaning to say, pal, you don't need all this stuff, this weird bed with the wires overhead. just take one Unisom at night, you know? it's the same sleep.

Lindy Lenz: in the '80s people took "sleeping pills" at night as a matter of course...