VALERIE STEVENSON: YOUR HOUSE IS TOO FULL FOR ME?...

 

Valerie Stevenson finds the place. it's John Stamos's house.

John Stamos answers his front red door.

John Stamos: you come highly recommended. by Jen. did you find the place okay?

Valerie Stevenson: oh yes. on Cahuenga. i couldn't miss it. you know, John, i am so excited to be FINALLY starting my life, you know?

John Stamos: alright a couple ground rules, Jack Tripper-style. i don't mean to have a bug up my ass but a grasshopper is actually in my butt right now.

Valerie: how does that happen?

John: never go on a picnic at night. there's gonna be no hanky-panky, okay?

Valerie: oh, right. i wasn't expecting any. i mean, every artist has romantic notions of course. if you're on a successful sitcom, you're gonna date your costar, coworkers are coworkers. if you're making an album together with someone, it's gonna be Fleetwood Mac no matter what.

John: i'll let you have the air mattress upstairs alone. until the '90s start, then you can have the futon...

mom: when you get to be my age, you watch for shrinkage. no, brain shrinkage.

The Dead Zone.

Christopher Walken: *flashes Christopher Walken creepy smile* i'm gonna die? oh well, it was a good run.

Christopher: how many more episodes will i have?

doctor: the same number of episodes as Three's Company.

doctor: my name is Sam? i thought my name was doctor.

blonde girl: don't worry, i'm not one of those Sami Brady demon-child types. math is useless, right?

Christopher: private tutor, what a concept!!!

Anthony Zerbe: could you help my son? i know you have to touch his hand but he's invisible.

Martin Sheen: i know i'm Third Party but i'm Martin Sheen so i'm gonna win. my bodyguard is Norm Macdonald. yeah it's probably better to just get Jesse Jackson on your campaign staff.

Jesse Jackson: i was a Shadow U.S. Senator, both meanings.

Christopher: you like Ghost in the Shell? sorry i'm nervous. come on, son, an Indian war bonnet?...

Stillson: i can do pushups!!! government is easy. come on, everyone likes cheese.

volunteers: without us, you're nothing.

David Cronenberg: that door just closed by itself...

Martin: see i have a vision that i'm gonna be on The West Wing.

Cronenberg: Sorkin is a hack!!!

Aaron Sorkin: can't talk, i'm walking...

opponent: these are compromising photos of my ex-wife, i don't care about her.

Jen R: i am rare and radiant.

Christopher: kid, have you ever eaten LIFE cereal?

Walt: can i leave you with some literature?

Christopher: Edgar Allan Poe, not brochures.

Walt: nice to finally meet you. Sarah tells me you were her first blowjob.

Christopher: not in front of the kid. by the way, voting is useless.

boy: who was that, Johnny?

Johnny, crying: Lenore.

Christopher: THE ICE IS GONNA BREAK LIKE A KIT KAT BAR!!! 

Christopher: i only get crazy when i'm right. ironically i'm not walken without this cane...

boy: dad, i like hockey, but Atari is gonna be a revolution.

Christopher: okay you want me to prove to you that i'm psychic? did you know more coeds today are big drinkers?...

President Stillson: i'm the voice of the people and the people want nuclear war!!! why does my bodyguard look like Abraham Lincoln? 

Christopher: the rifle works better with a screw loose. when the rifle has a screw loose...

Sarah: now that i've seen the whole movie, seen his secret underhanded gangster tactics, that candidate was a scumbag!!!

David Cronenberg: my stuff is intimate yet from a faraway land. my stuff is cozy Canadian comfort.

Valerie Stevenson: *knocking on the inside door* um, excuse me, Mr. John Stamos?

John Stamos: leave me alone, i'm busy.

Valerie: it's just you have this cool empty garage here. why don't we practice our band stuff here in the garage in true '80s fashion? 

John: that's not my garage. i don't pay for that garage. the garage isn't part of the house, that's how all the houses on this block are in those cute little rows...

your hands freezing up: means no more sunburn on your neck.

Ellie Anderson: British bird.

Dutch Wonderland Inn: where i WISH i was born, then i could stay at the amusement park forever.

Walt Disney: so, um, i'm looking around this place and, copyright problems much?!!!

Off the Air: the next episode should be "Entropy"...

Super Saiyan 4: yeah but it was baby form, you know?

Hi and Lois: this is the next comic strip that needs so be turned into an adult animated cartoon...

The Clan of the Cave Bear: the '80s film, Daryl Hannah, the next PBS Saturday Night Movie...

Daryl Hannah: my name sounds like the '80s...

Rory Gilmore: i say "I love you" and you say "Back atcha"? come on, dude.

Dan Orlovsky: i use deo on my BO.

El Gordo y La Flaca: it's weird to do a show at 7PM at night...

wedding toast: bread at the wedding.

Joe Gitter: i actually have a woman's fingers. corn chowder is an AUTUMN dish, not a summer dish. there is no such thing as bacon that is too salty.

Bridget Lancaster: my boyfriend Sweaty Onions works for Meta now.

Joe Gitter: i've spent the last three hours trying to fish the fucking bay leaf out of the chowder!!! fuck it!!! just leave the fucking bay leaf in there!!!

craving pumpkins: clamoring for the next Smashing Pumpkins album ALREADY!!!

Billy Corgan: fans are a pain in my neck.

Jen R: so how's it going?

Valerie Stevenson: terribly. John Stamos gives me the cold shoulder. he ignores me. i've been there five months now and nothing. no progress on the album or the show. he's pretending i don't exist, me, a vital member of the group.

Jen: i hear weird noises at night. when i'm spying on you. for safety.

Valerie: yeah it's pretty obvious John Stamos is fucking Lori Loughlin all night long in the Full House kitchen. 

Jen: oh yeah, next to the ferns.