JONNY & LUCY: PROTECTING PBS ROWDILY

 

at Tiny Desk Concert at PBS, Jen R is trying to make up for it.

Jen R: and make up for lost time.

she takes a guitar of OLD wood from her back buttpocket and begins strumming.

Paula Kerger: what a specimen!!!

Jen: thank you. my guitar's nice too. we both have nice asses.

Paula: i recognize that red oak from my girl days as a triangle-player. my long-haired parents took me to Woodstock but i slept in the van. this is the ORIGINAL Woodstock, folks, not that MTV shit.

Paula Kerger: so before you start why don't you tell the radio audience something unknown about yourself, something unexpected that would make them go to the bathroom in excitement.

Jen R: well, Paula, i only eat 7-Eleven food. yeah. my diet is strictly french fries and Slurpees. 

Jen plugs her acoustic guitar into her cute little pink ORIGINAL Teen Titans amp and starts WAILING. she sweeps ALL the chords, all the guitar notes, and finishes with a flourish, she SLAMS the guitar on top of the hallowed Desk smashing it in a thousand shards. Paula saves the big mic at the last second tho with her keen eye and dexterity.

Paula: better concert than the Guns N Roses Riverport Riot. did the audience get all that? did you guys hear all that? this station has a reputation for mumbling...

potatoes: fills you up like peanut butter.

Mocha Mix: i change coffee. i make coffee light. i allow coffee to forget about its self...

Liam Neeson: i coulda played Fezzik. you suddenly get taller with a shillelagh in your hand...

brownies: better without the fudge.

turndown service: is that an orange mint or an alien receiver on the bed?...

Bob Ross: if i had stopped painting those goddamn clouds, there would have been no rain. no rain means my perm goes limp...

Jonny: you did us dirty, Jaleel.

Jaleel White: how so, my man.

Jonny: Fast Flips, you read the question SLOW to pause to laugh at an answer. ate up a bunch of clock.

Jaleel: that's on me, blond holmes, i'll make it up to everybody. you know your lady has that Sade vibe to her. it's in the lips, it's in the eyes, it's in the HAIR!!!

Lucy: aw that's sweet. and i do like your lips. but it ain't happening, chester. no chance. Urkel was not my favorite character.

Jaleel: what?!!! how can that be?!!! who could possibly be your favorite Family Matters character other than Urkel?

Lucy: the mother.

DVD: remember when you and your friends would sit down on a brown sofa and listen to the Director's Commentary track of a movie?...

Brooke Trantor: it's Mad Max out there. but it can still be My Dinner with Andre in here...

Kurt Cobain: Big Dumper was the name of the band before Nirvana. right before our first show...

Axl Rose: the reason i always wear shorts is i was living in Southern California...

Krillin: just chillin. but not like a villain.

Android 18: ...

Krillin: sorry, my wife...

Joe Pera: Polar Cubes for my boys...

Hallmark Channel: last year's Hallmark Experience was sparsely attended. nobody knows why. probably because it was in Colorado.

caterpillars: there was no work for us, you used CGI butterflies...

Dr. Robbins: you don't need therapy. you need Instagram memes...

Chloe Annett in Kiss Me Kate: oh no, i was Princess Leia, i am not going back to being a Bond Girl...

Jaleel White: listen Paula, we're all in this together, we're not gonna let Trump dissolve PBS.

Paula Kerger: aw that's sweet, whoever you are.

Jaleel: turn around and face the camera...

Paula: it's a good thing, too, the next PSA public service announcement i was gonna film was me saying how the Senate had in fact ended PBS and Leslie Sbrocco's tits were out of a job.

Leslie Sbrocco: my tits can never be finalized.

Jaleel: you can use the Flip Side studios to film ALL the PBS shows FOREVER!!! just be sure come Christmas you tell Ken Burns to get me some of that vintage North tobacco from the Civil War so i can send it to my neighbor.

Ken Burns: the stuff the soldiers put in their gums? i would but Fred Rogers would not approve.

Mr. Rogers: guns are bad, but if you don't save your gums, you have no noble society.