ISOLATION HOTLINE: CAREGIVER STRESS

 

me: i can't tackle a grand problem such as yourself without getting in a few practice rounds first.

Olach: shoot.

me: i'll be but a moment. Line 2.........young man who got dumped by his soulmate on prom night. fuck that, WAY too thorny.

me: Line 3 i'm supposed to tell you what the song "The Riddle" by Nik Kershaw is about. no no no okay i'm done with the prep, let's just go.

Clayton Kershaw: i know what that song is about, he told me in the dugout.

Olach: let's go to this bar, the only place i'm allowed inside because they don't give a fuck here. but i've learned they're the ONLY ones who give a fuck.

me: White Russian no vodka.

Olach: will you ever acquit yourself to the taste of vodka?

me: never, no matter how much pain i'm im. 

Olach: i wandered this planet.

me: in search of meaning?

Olach: no, to warn people. global warming is global warning. your planet is doomed and no one gives a fuck. i walk along sandy beaches in my Bermuda shorts and people point and laugh at me thinking my pants are too short. it's my style, man, you can see a bit of lower leg-bone between the sock and the pant.

me: you know what? let's go with the chips after all. my dream is to eat one of those tiny bags of Picante pork rinds a day.

Olach: i refuse to eat Bombay Badboy Pot Noodle, that makes a mockery of the caste-ingrained generational poverty in India.

Lister: order a curry vindaloo and call it even.

me: i only eat smoked-gouda noodles...

Palpatine living in the bowels of the Vatican: wait, i'm still alive, right? so i can be Pope again?...

Brewster's Millions.

Richard Pryor: i can't be funny unless i take drugs.

Walter Hill: this was the only non-Western i ever directed. sorry about that. notice the Porky Pig circles? i got some cowboy meth in my pocket, reach in there...

Jen R: omg Architectural Digest!!! that magazine was so '80s!!!

Stephen Collins: wait, this is turning into a 7th Heaven table scene...

me: have you ever done that? dropped your keys in a strange man's mug of warm beer at a bar?

Jen R: thankfully i don't have to worry about you, you don't drink beer. but why does Sam Malone drink only wine?

Sam Malone: my mom taught me.

editorial: can we finally get a mayor of NYC who is NOT in the mob?...

Ross Perot: i miss straw hats at political rallies.

Richard Pryor: yeah i know, it's the New York Yankees, but remember: Reggie Jackson is an ASSHOLE.

John Candy, catcher: your wife's an ugly bitch.

Reggie Jackson at the plate: but my wife is literally your mom.

script: wait was this supposed to be a sports movie?...

Richard Pryor's Lou Gehrig speech: i thought my candidacy was a joke like Trump's candidacy...

photographer: yeah i keep my cash in tin cans. my tin cans are my phone.

Talia the cat: please let the cat out of the bag!!! how inhumane!!

Stephen King on drums.

Stephen King: "Auld Lang Syne" is a horror song.

Tovah Feldshuh: i'm the Jewish Wonder Woman...

Stephen Collins: you think i came down with the last drop of rain?.........don't answer that...

Lonette McKee: i am a BLACK goddess thank you very much...

Richard Pryor: let's be honest, ladies and germs, this movie was a mess...

The Pope: leave the gun, take the cannula...

Luigi Mangione: wait, where's my Mansion?...

Triscuits: best eaten in tracksuits.

Cecily Strong: and maternity jogging pants...

The Pope: i put on my zucchetto and eat Cheetos...   

Harlem Globetrotters: one love, fam. but Lars von Trier wanted us to be the Harlem Gloomtrotters?

Lars von Trier: no no no as a boy in Denmark i remember it different. you are the Glamtrotters from the hamlet. your mascot is a little cute fox. and you play skeeball professionally.  

Jules Smith: don't you love how the PG Tips tannin stains your tea mug so grandly?

Suzy Lu: i have bingo wings. but i don't play bingo.

Kakashi: yes you do. you play bingo wearing a Mrs. Roper caftan. i thought you were the mum to two brats...

Jerry Cantrell: bog off.

Lister: the Red Dwarf audience really wants to see how big my butt is...

Jules Smith: chatting someone up on Instagram? want to know if they're a real person? send them a postcard...

Layne Staley singing "Would?": into the breach again...

Billy Corgan: Would or Wound?...

Bowen Yang: i only said that because i need to be friends with Aimee Lou Wood...

Gabe Kotter: if it's not the Tetris pillow sliding off the bed it's the Suzy Lu pillow slipping off the computer chair!!!

Charlie Chaplin: see me on rollerskates? being a Johnny Rockets carhop is my job but i really wanted to attack the halfpipe, you know? i wanted to be the 1910s Tony Hawk...

The Pope: don't make me use this ringfinger on your stupid bearded face!!! you're gonna kiss the ring in a different way!!!

The Gorton Fisherman: the ocean is mine!!! give me back my fishsticks!!!

The Pope: prepare to endure the wrath of my Fisherman's Ring. i'm gonna slap the taste out your mouth and replace it with the taste of the sea. los pescadores!!!

Gloria Estefan: i mean i still got the perfectly globular Gloria tits, you know?...

Roger Federer at the Shel Silverstein hippie Mercedes-Benz tennis court: working a sander is much like beating Nadal on clay...

Jules Smith: you should have dated me BEFORE i got wolves...

Olach: i don't get you people. it's a clamshell but the Filet-O-Fish has no clam in it. and i know ocean stuff.

dad: that soft bouncy '80s aquamarine styrofoam... 

me: wait i get it now. i figured it out. i can be lucid when i'm not drunk. you're the Earth's caregiver.

Olach: bingo. but you know what? you have greater caregiver stress than me, you're dealing with your mom, a real person. i communicate with 300-year-old trees, they don't talk much, they're mostly wheezing...