FRESHMAN LUNCH HOUR, A LESS & DEEN STORY: ITCHY TAILBONE

 

Less: we gotta do something about our social standing at school.

Deen: we do? but it's high school, it's impossible.

Less: have you noticed where the seniors go?

Deen: and the juniors.

Less: at the lunch hour, 12 noon-1 PM, they leave the school premises and go to any fast-food joint at any nearby strip mall!!! it's not fair!!! and it's tasty. we're stuck with the cafeteria lady. who gives them a grounds pass?

Deen: upperclassmen problems. but mostly it's that they have cars. i have a car but you're too scared to drive. and being a friend is more important than being cool.

Less: we can walk!!! and PRETEND we drove to Subway.

Deen: Subway?

Less: that's where they go!!! i see all the seniors there on my unauthorized jailbreaks. isn't that lame?!!!

Subway is Subway. the seniors are there. there are a couple of cute senior girls there too i guess.

Less: whatever we do, don't make a scene. follow my lead. play it by ear.

Deen: Vincent van Gogh chewed my ear off in a dream in the boxing ring, it was a Mike Tyson revenge-dream thing. if i did that, i'd be in the school band, not with you.

before the poor boy has a chance to order the dry sub with the meatballs like chromeballs Less begins to itch like a motherfucker. the poor boy has to remove his shirt in front of everyone, lower his surf shorts, and start scratching his tailbone against the Subway countertop.

Less: *scratching longways like a log of wood* look away from the show, folks. oh FUCK.........my lower back is red now, anybody got any moist ointment?

Deen: well so much for being cool. the problem is you have to be cool for four years. that's a long wait. hey do any of you guys know if the Caliente sauce nextdoor is any good?...

Taylor Palmby: everybody has a crush on me. is it because i'm cute? no, it's because i'm your YouTube therapist who helps you with difficult feelings. it's because i live in New York City, you know? my next boyfriend is so lucky because i'll finally be fucking cured by then, you know? instead of drinking i can yell...

Cocoon: The Return.

Cocoon 2 would have been cooler.

Steve Guttenberg: my name is Tom Hanks and this is Splash...

Bastian Bux: don't worry, mom, i'm just watching an oatmeal commercial...

Bernie: like old times. i think. please let this movie be good...

Wilford Brimley: have i ever been in a sex scene? let's remedy this now...

Jessica Tandy: a Wilford Brimley mustache ride is HEAVENLY.

Jen R: remember when people asked each other "how'd you sleep?" in the '80s?...

Don Ameche: the '80s were the renaissance for old people, old people were the big stars with the rich interior lives: Cocoon, Golden Girls...

Ruby: now THESE are gilf tits. who knew Elaine Stritch was STACKED?

Jen R: "last one in is a rotten egg" only worked at an ocean, not a YMCA pool...

Wilford Brimley: you know, Bernie, you're a real downer. don't try to kill yourself while the rest of the fellas are dipping our wicks.

Jen R: omg i recognize that dude!!! the Miami Vice Scott Baio was my old AYSO coach!!!

Courteney Cox: this is why this research is so important, i'm gonna transform Matthew Perry into an Antarean so he lives forever...

Wilford Brimley: Ted Williams wasn't so tough, i stole his girl when he was at the plate. Lucille Ball, right?

Bernie: big tits can't make up for my dead wife.

Elaine Stritch: next time i kiss you i'll put on my lemon chapstick. i mean who wipes away a kiss? that is so disrespectful.

Bernie: oh i ain't so hot. and all of us at this table died 50 years ago...

Wilford Brimley: that basketball game was fun. i don't have a hip anymore but that basketball game was fun.

scientist: so this isn't a cocoon, it's a chocolate chip cookie.

doctor: your wife is pregnant!!! she's 100 tho, so, you know, i don't know.

Fred Flintstone: shall i pencil you in for Lamaze, too?...

Dawn Brooke: it has to be a natural birth or it doesn't count...

Jen R: we've all done this. struck out 3 times in a Little League game. then we go to our bed to sulk. this only happened in the '80s.

Antarean: i'm not an alien, i'm a magician...

Tahnee Welch: wanna share ourselves?

Steve Guttenberg: was your mom a Latina?

Tahnee Welch: TMI. too much sharing. sharing over.

The Vatican: everywhere you go, speakers piping in monk-chant music, all around all the squares, it's like an immersive Enigma concert...

male Holly from Red Dwarf: why the fuck did i leave the show? what the hell was i thinking? i didn't think the show would become a cult classic? COME ON, MAN. at least i got a cool epitaph out of it...

Honeytta: the Iranian jird, all those pelvic thrusts, that's how i learned to fuck.

me: beautiful, frizzy hair, teaches the kids, AND she watches Red Dwarf?!!! one date? please?

The Pope: let me get the door for you, i want to make sure you're leaving.

St. Francis of Assisi: cold.

Eva Longoria: i'm Pati Jinich but not annoying...

wifi: more precious than gold.

Catholic Church: AT THIS MOMENT we have no pope. it's scary.........and freeing...

date: the best time to go on a date is Saturday afternoon, the woman and the man are both bored at this time...

Thumbelina: one line that'll always work on me: "how about the two of us find the best ice cream in town..."

pickles: they're your salad...

Sherman Oaks Galleria: you never noticed the sunroof...

Trinity the cat: Mimsie was my mother.

Mary Tyler Moore: ...

China: if we were a democracy, we'd REALLY be kicking ass...

mom: i wish instead of my glazed eyes my eyes projected me loving glazed donuts.

me: she's a primadonna patient. a drama queen.

dad: no, she's the patient. YOU must be patient...

Taylor Fritz: i'm no boss. i simply eat the simple ingredients of honey chicken in a burrito in tinfoil. and i apply face cream before each match...

Andy Murray's brother: the daft thing is i didn't get a Chipotle patch on my tennis arm!!! i'm a walking Chipotle sponsorship!!!

Andy Murray: you have to coach mom first...

Night Court "Passing the Bar".

Goose: if Goose from Top Gun had had mozzarella sticks, Tom Cruise wouldn't have had to fish him out of the Chicago River...

Abbot Butt: i'm the new Pope's AI consultant. i know nothing about AI, i'm a monk. a digital monk. i tell the Pope that computers are evil, Sailor Moon is sinful, and Nintendo is bad. Apple, don't touch the stuff. i mean that Conclave we just had was WILD. Micronesia, who knew?...

Jen R: meet someone nice, change your life.

Deen: so bud that was a disaster. you know i'll never stop loving you, right?

Less: when you gotta go you gotta go. how did i get an itchy tailbone? i don't drive.

Deen: because you don't drive you sit in a computer chair all day...

Less: how are we gonna get through four years of this shit?

Deen: it's like a bad President.

Less: four years of being the bottom rung.

Deen: do you know how lucky you are you have me? think of all the suicides nobody knew about because they were left alone...

Less: we must forge our own path, bud. we must find a space free from peer pressure and cliques. 

Deen: a place to call our own. a place the seniors don't know about. where we can get our own little table in the dark corner.

Less: where JUST THE TWO OF US can hash out the meaning of life...

Deen sees Less rub his palms together and let out a maniacal smile he hasn't seen on his friend's face in a long time. Less's eyes are working again.

Less: GOT IT!!! the place nextdoor, follow me.

Deen: Taco Bell?

Less: Chili's.