THE TEARING OF SHIRTS: THE TALKING IS THE TALKING

 

Jules Smith: *internal sigh* oh fine, so where do you want to go instead?

me: i mean, the UK is a big island, right? 

Jules: let's go to the little cinema by the babbling brook, there's always something good playing there.

me: you mean obscure.

Jules: in this case it's all the new Doctor Who episodes you've missed since the world went crazy and you lost your time.

me: works for me.

the cinema by the brook was an old war depot for the British soldiers in WWI. the lobby of the cinema by the brook is a carpet of Vaporwave purple diamond. Jules takes me to the popcorn man during the first intermission.

Jules: try this one, popcorn man.

me: whoa, i can SMELL that!!!

Jules: right? it smells like Saturday-morning cereal. it's kettle corn, but it's BUTTERY kettle corn.

me: what a concept!!!

Jules: two batches, pet. and two orange juices. orange juice has always been only British...

me: feed me, my love. feed my gob.

Jules: oh yeah, your sweet tooth. 3 root canals didn't stop your sugar habit? here, try these Compos Mentis Mentos.

we get back right as the previews are starting:

a female version of The Beatles called The Ladybugs...

Jules: The Ladybirds...

me: this could work.

Jules: it would have to be very senior very respected female rockers. Kathleen Hanna, Laurie Anderson, Kim Gordon, and Kate Bush.

Lucio Rossi: their signature song would be "Lucio in the Sky with Diamonds."

Trent Reznor: do you know how the Nine Inch Nails name came about? it was a variation on Slam Bamboo...

it's a big day in the world of tennis. Novak Djokovic has FINALLY joined the Senior League. in his first match, he sits down on his lawnchair on the tennis court with his belt loose over his fat belly and makes an old-man guzzle from his mouth. the crowd begins to boo him.

Djokovic: for fuck sake, nothing changes. is this how you treat your elders in America?

Novak starts to spit sunflower seeds he's been chewing onto the court, the ballboys have to pick up all 66 sunflower seeds before the next point can begin.

the crowd boos old-man Novak Djokovic vociferously.

after the show, many tennis fans feel worried and concerned when they see Roger Federer in the parking lot on the backbed of his red Chevy 4x4. Roger seems disoriented and slurs his speech.

Roger Federer:  i don't know how to be in America. i'm not drunk, i only drink apple juice, it's just, it's just, who am i without tennis?...

Fed fan: this wounds us, Roger, at least get back on your feet, and into some tennis shoes.

Roger: no no no, fuck sports, fuck the Olympics, i need to be the new head of the UN.

 

The Witches of Eastwick.

Jack Nicholson: let it wash over you like Washed Out.

Susan Sarandon: wait, did you or i cause the cello to catch fire?...

Cher: i'm not naked.........yet.

Cher: racing down 17 Mile Drive on our bikes at 125 mph while exchanging dialogue lines was done by ME. and Michelle Pfeiffer. this was hardcore '80s filmmaking, honey, no stunt doubles, no training wheels, no brakes, no helmets, no kneepads.

Jack: i threw Lance Armstrong and Greg LeMond off the set myself with my two bare hands.

Cher: he has the most amazing penis. it's curvy.

Sukie: that's Peyronie's disease.

Roger Federer, exasperated: i'm on the grand grounds of this estate because Jack Nicholson requested me to teach him pickleball...

Cher: i like to play tennis in overalls. and only on a court with Venus de Milos.

Cher: hey don't serve that tennis ball at my pussy, i come from the mean streets of Armenia, look at my thug face.

Avo Babian: Cher was the first Armenian anybody ever knew...

Roger Federer: i've done that butt shot.

Jack: Soundgarden "Black Hole Sun" pose...

Sukie: i'll get pregnant if i use your toothbrush.

Jack: well that's not a fun seduction. the Devil just wants a family like anyone else.

Sukie: the world is a peculiar place. women are naturally attuned to this world.

Jen R: the world is crazy, even if your father ISN'T Pee-wee Herman...

Lurch: master, may i dress as Michael Jackson tonight? it's so boring in that LONG white robe.

Jack: don't mind the camcorder, ladies, i'm doing a pilot for this thing called The Real World. don't do it, Sarah Becker. anyway, what's your dream, Cher?

Cher: snakes. but sadly there's no naked Harrison Ford. i'm in one of those gigantic busy malls with a thousand escalators...

Veronica Cartwright: of all the sins, cavorting is the worst sin. the biggest whore in this bucolic little New England town is the priest!!!

husband: she's fine, she's just sick.

Veronica: i am not against a good fuck. but only on Thanksgiving Day.

Susan Sarandon at school: that's it, play the music like this is Bull Durham now...

Clyde: Jack Nicholson ruined the wetlands for the birds, all three meanings.

Jack: spit the cherry pits into my mouth, ladies, i can take it.

husband: Felicia, you REALLY should have watched The Care Bears Movie instead of The Exorcist.

Jen R: that really is an AESTHETIC: the dark-blue mailbox set against the lush green grassy lawn.

Jack: happy birthday.........sorry, there's no way for my smile not to be creepy...

Jack: i'm freezing my nuts off out here. my tiny Robespierre ponytail has gone limp.

Jack: rotting the fruit like the Nine Inch Nails "Hurt" video, like Lars von Trier.

Cher: oh damn, i live in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride...

Jack: all '80s movies end with someone in a mental institution. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest is what really happened to me when i was living in Santa Clarita. 

Lindy Lenz: Tara Flavor was my Reseda roommate when i was on The Price Is Right!!!

Matt: call me Matteo. Matteo of the Sallow Eyes.

Skylar: having a nice boss, you, instead of a grumpy boss, that ONE thing determines one's life forever...

Skylar: guys, let's make Safeway the destination where the batteries AND the eggs are always AAA...

Jack Nicholson: ramen crumbs, Aisle 13. fuck?

Skylar: i'm taken. this is post-Weinstein.

Larry from Safeway: The Larry Lathe of Heaven. lavender trash bags? Patrick Lavender must be feeling like he's in Disneyland with the way the world is going now, just as he long-planned. yeah yeah yeah i know what that is. i know all about that. my mom showed me her '70s sci-fi paperback collection, grocery QR codes place you into Facebook Marketplace against your will. that portable outlet says HDPE, not HOPE... 

Fay Vincent: baseball acknowledges the frailty of humanity, what other sport has errors in the box score?

Mark McGwire: Fay is a man's name?

cul-de-sac: the reason your neighborhood was so quiet growing up...

Jules Smith and i exit the cinema in nature with popcorn in our mouths and space in our bellies...

me: it's been my dream to go to a matinee showing of a movie with a woman.

Jules: have faith, peach, our online dating worked.

me: but did we date? when we were texting back and forth i always wanted to type you a BIG PASSAGE where i lay out myself, where i explain my hopes, dreams, and fears of life, and show you that i was trying to conquer my demons with my writing. THAT is a real date, not moonlight pappardelle with funghi sauce.

Jules: but that's just it, luv, we were dating the whole time, EVERY TIME you texted back and i texted you back, that was our dates, that was us communicating, getting to know each other just that little bit better each day. the talking needn't be grand and philosophical, the talking is the talking, the talking is BEING THERE FOR EACH OTHER. it's the gradual forming of love.