Jen R drives me to the America's Test Kitchen live roadshow stage show with Bridget and Julia. at the Sunset Theatre in Merced, California.
Jen R in the high rafters smoking a cigarette: this stage is too big for these two large ladies.
Jen R shouting from the rafters: hey Bridget Lancaster!!! you should've kept your Marilyn Monroe blonde hair from 2018, you were sexy as fuck back then with that hair. and Julia Collin Davison, why'd you have to badmouth my Dutch oven!!! my Dutch oven can make tender fall-off-the-bone pressure-cooker-quality beef, too!!!...
me: well, that was fun. we'll never be invited to another PBS event again the rest of our lives but that was fun.
me: i've been thinking about you.
Melissa Maker: how so?
me: every time i do the laundry and watch those four green lights on the clothes washer turn to no lights...
Melissa: that's offputting. i see you. with the double-eye emoji. i see you in your strange Instagram Stories titles...we swim to the next spa room through the underwater corridor as the Hello Meteor song "Moonwater" plays waterily in the under.
Melissa: because Lunar New Year.
Julie Patzwald: new goth-band name: Perfect Sense.
lightsaber: ...
ankh ankle tattoo: ...
Stevie Wonder: it's the key of life...
Holt Hanley: it's not water vapor on the weather map, it's Coca-Cola Classic...
now: it just became nostalgia.
Puzzle of a Downfall Child.
Faye Dunaway: this movie sounds like an Armenian rock band...
Faye: no i actually do have a headache.
Bob Ross: oh. i'll pick up some Vanquish at this new place that's opened up called Thrifty Drugstore Ice Cream...
Faye: if we roleplay as strangers the sex will be hotter because it'll be no-strings-attached.
Matt: a two-ton truck is one of those '80s anime trucks. never race on the freeway...
Faye: time for ME to shrink YOUR head, my dear psychiatrist. why do you wear tennis shorts when you're in the office?
psychiatrist: i'm a fan of Evonne Goolagong.
Faye: can i just sleep here for the hour?
Faye: why am i an actress? there's no point. no one will EVER top Marlene Dietrich in Shanghai Express. Ricardo Montalban saved me from suicide...
Joan: all dance came from fear.
Faye: are you fucking this nun, Bob Ross?
Bob slamming down his silverware: that is HIGHLY inappropriate, Faye. now i gotta squeeze you and me into my busy schedule so we can carve out a time for us to go to Confession together in the same booth at the same time.
Father Navin: Wednesday at 1 PM...
Faye: seriously, Bob, HER?!!! she looks like a reject from the set of One Day at a Time.
Faye: come on, lamp, tip over.........and fall...
Faye on the phone: if you love me you'll come right over and chase away the Communist-stalker.
Bob: but i'm in the USSR.
Faye: do you like my wedding veil?
Sia: so THIS is where i got my look from...
Maude from Harold and Maude: civil ceremony, funeral, same thing...
Mark: don't make me angry, Faye, i know a shark.
Faye: i won't answer the door, i know there's a Land Shark about.
Jen R: remember circular light dimmers?
Faye: life is a dream. but for me it was a nightmare. i feel.........burdened. have i arrived? i've waited SO LONG to arrive...
Jen R: nice touch in that beach scene with the flash of the old standing 1920s camera becoming the flash of the fired gun.
doctor: that's the tragedy of it all, doctors can't dance...
hallucination photographer at the nuthouse: Faye Dunaway is as sexy as a common tenor.
Faye: don't go, Aaron, don't leave me alone in this Whistler cabin!!! beach sand makes my skin chafe. Martin Yan doesn't know how to fish!!!
Martin Yan: yeah i do, you crazy white lady.
Faye: you're supposed to use a spear while holding your breath underwater!!! who pays the rent on this thing?
Bob: this is Marty Scorsese's summer house.
Faye: what's the point of a beach house? a beach cottage. there won't be beaches in 100 years, only Medieval stories never told...
Bob: well, MTV starts up soon, that's why.
Faye: did we have an affair, Aaron? otherwise what was the point? my entire life was in vain.
Bob: we've been married for 30 years, Lou. it's been real and it's been happy. you made the right decision, Lou. it wasn't a wasted life. we found our fate. i wanted kids but we decided not to have children because you're crazy.
Dr. Robbins: this ending made me CRY. that's all mental patients want, to know that they tried to love.
Melissa: nothing better than an early lunch in an enclosed Tomb Raider spa room!!!
me: hey, do you know what pizza pie is?
Melissa: no.
me: a whole apple pie with the crust and everything but instead of apple as the filling it's pizza inside. what i don't get are those Melissa's Crepes.
Melissa: what do you mean?
me: they are so FUCKING THIN!!! they are IMPOSSIBLE to remove from that thin tissue-paper film!!! why'd you make the crepes so hard like that?!!!
Melissa: you just need an iron.
me: i use my clothes iron.
Melissa: no, a flatiron. a flat iron, a hair iron, a crimper. like i use on my hair. don't microwave the crepes at the BOTTOM, they'll stick to the plate. cook the frozen strawberries as the base of the plate, place the paper-thin crepes OVER the hot strawberries so it looks like a strawberry pie. crimp the edges to form the crust. crimp the crepe.
Akira Kurosawa: i've reset my life 7777 times.
Hayao Miyazaki: i THINK that's unlucky...
smoke a fatty: barbecue, not a pot roach...
Wout Faes: if Gustavo Kuerten played soccer...
me: it really is a DELICIOUS thought: you available. being able to be in your world, be in your circles.
Melissa: i don't have time for romance, i'm a single mysterious mama next door.
me: yeah right. we've been doing a betting pool over at the office, the odds on who your next beau will be.
Melissa: pool, nice touch. there is no way you work. all offices would reject you.
me: i mean it's either gonna be Keanu Reeves or Justin Trudeau, right?
Melissa: i'm afraid reality will be quite bland and boring. i'll settle down with one of my nameless coworkers, that's it.
Luke Skywalker: why didn't you have an action-figure toy of my lightsaber'd-off cut-off hand?
Kenner: choking hazard.
scratching post: because cats have a lot of stress in their lives...
Suzy Lu: take a slap.
Steejo: i can't take a lap, luv, my kickboxing training turned my knees into prunes.
Kakashi: Suzy, it's weird that you say ass instead of arse...
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